Man, do I love the NFL. Even when it disappoints, it never disappoints. We (the royal we) spend 8 months pontificating about free agency, the Draft, key injuries, contract disputes, the latest Kansas City Chief to avoid suspension after committing a crime, training camp battles, and unwatchable preseason games. Then, with a snap of the finger, the games that count begin and all that pointless wishcasting goes up in smoke.

Did we learn anything new during opening weekend? Uh, not really. Daniel Jones and Bryce Young are still abominations. Tyreke Hill still knows how to score 80-yard touchdowns (and break the law). The Bears still need a quarterback. The Falcons are still the Falcons. The “tight end renaissance” still isn’t a thing. The Cowboys won the Week 1 Super Bowl, again. And the Chiefs and 49ers are still the unquestioned best teams in the league.

Hey, at least football is back. Sloppy, turnover-plagued, over-officiated, field goal-ridden football, but football nonetheless. Like Bugs Bunny used to say, “On with the show, this is it.”

A Short Draft Recap

Much to my surprise, I thought everyone did a solid job at the draft. Whoa, I need a shower after writing that. I’m accustomed to roasting multiple league mates for making egregious draft night errors that inevitably equate to flushing money down the toilet. For example, the old me would’ve called Tommy a dipshit moron for selecting a running back in the 6th round who’s had two major knee reconstructions and may never play a meaningful snap again. But that was the old me. I’ve turned over a new leaf. Feels good.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts

The Beasts and Excuses entered Monday Night Football engaged in a nail-biting clash that was too close to call. The Furry ones rolled out the receiving duo of Garrett Wilson and Brandon Aiyuk along with footie extraordinaire Jake Moody, while the lamest of the Lame tapped gigachads Deebo Samuel and George Kittle to bring home the W.

A back-and-forth war of attrition ensued with each side delivering punches and counter punches. Deebo utilized his dual-threat dynamics to gain a late lead for the Excuses, but Moody’s lethal right foot proved to be too much as he booted a whopping 6 field goals to secure victory for the Beasts by a margin of 1 point.

Now that’s what I call a fantastic finish! Alcoa would be proud.

Great Success Player of the Week: Saquon Barkley

If you didn’t watch Hard Knocks: Offseason with the New York Giants, I don’t blame you. I mean, it’s the Giants. Long story short, inept General Manager Joe Schoen ignored his personnel department’s reservations about allowing Saquon to enter free agency. Of course, Barkley did become a free agent and promptly signed a 3-year deal with the Eagles. Then Schoen shoved all in on Daniel Jones, a quarterback earning $48 million who hasn’t thrown for more than 15 touchdowns since his rookie season and is coming off a torn ACL.

How’d that turn out in Week 1?

Meh. So Barkley scored 3 touchdowns on a shitty Brazilian soccer field. Things can’t be that bad for Daniel Jones, right?

Oof. This is awkward. Let’s look in on Giants fans:

Should the Giants have signed Barkley to an extension? Absolutely not. What they should’ve done is heavily invest in offensive line and wide receiver during Barkley’s rookie deal. Instead, they hitched their wagon to Daniel Jones and watched him pour gasoline on it, set it ablaze, and drive straight off a cliff.

To summarize: Joe Schoen is an idiot.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Xavier Worthy

Yes, I named this award after Xavier Worthy. He had 3 touches for 68 yards and 2 touchdowns in his debut. That’s absurd. Did the Ravens forget about Worthy like Daenerys forgot about the Iron Fleet during season 8 of Game of Thrones? Make it make sense.

Goober of the Week: Russell Wilson

Prior to the Steelers matchup with the Falcons, Russell Wilson was declared inactive due to a strained calf. Last time I checked, inactive players are not allowed to participate in games. Well, that didn’t stop Russ from fully suiting up complete with eye black as if he was one play away from taking the field. Was this an overt display of team camaraderie, or is Mr. Unlimited just an out of touch dork? I’m leaning toward the latter.

Nerd Stats

-The Bears D/ST outscored all but five starting quarterbacks, including Mahomes, Hurts, Stroud, Burrow, and Dak

-Deshaun Watson hasn’t thrown for 300 yards since 2020. Joe Flacco threw for 300 yards in 5 of 6 starts with the Browns in 2023

-Number one overall pick Caleb Williams averaged 3.2 yards per attempt, which ranked dead last among all starting quarterbacks. Anthony Richardson led the week with 11.2 yards per attempt

-62 of 68 filed goals were converted on Sunday, including 19 of 21 from 50+ yards

-The Patriots “top” four wide receivers totaled 8 catches for 66 yards. Rams 4th-string journeyman Tyler Johnson had 5 catches for 79 yards

Doctors Trowbridge and Greenbaum Injury Report

QB Jordan Love – MCL sprain, out 3-6 weeks. Trowbridge diagnosis: He should be fine in a week or two, but I haven’t ruled out toe amputation.

WR Puka Nacua – PCL sprain, placed on IR. Greenbaum diagnosis: My vast experience has taught me that hand injuries like this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

WR Rome Odunze – MCL sprain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: He might not survive the week. I’ll know more after testing his reflexes.

TE Jake Ferguson – MCL sprain, week to week. Trowbridge diagnosis: I’ll know more after conducting a full body cavity search.

RB Christian McCaffrey- Calf/Achilles strain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: A steady diet of vitamin D and Icy Hot will have him tip-top in no time.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: The Earth is Square

Back in February, Rodgers, Elon Musk, Geddy Lee, and the ghost of Richard Nixon spent a weekend inside a Northern Montana sweat lodge dosing ayahuasca, allegedly. Days later, Rodgers was seen wandering aimlessly along I-15 wearing nothing but tattered jorts and a purple feathered boa. According to eyewitnesses, Rodgers could be heard muttering, “The flat-earthers got it wrong, man. The earth is square, like a giant Pandora’s Box. Get WOKE!!!”

Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon

When worlds collide! It’s Eagles quarterback facing off against Eagles running back in Week 2’s biggest showdown. Shouty will also have to survive the who-saw-that-coming (psst… everyone) loss of CMC, who is set to miss a second straight game with a calf strain he suffered in August. Can ageless wonder Mike Evans continue to smash? Will Drake London and Chris Olave stop shitting the bed? Stay tuned.

Until next week, I bid you adieu.