The Super Terrific Gulfman League Championship Preview… Or Something

‘Tis the season to share.

And then there were two. Is it just me, or did this fantasy football season rocket by at an exceedingly fast clip? Seems like only yesterday that Lericos was declaring his backfield of David Wilson and Trent Richardson the one to beat.

Good times, good times. Anyway, lots o’ shit went down during the last four months of pigskin paranoia that helped us reach this point. In keeping with the Christmas theme, I present the 12 Days of the 2013 Fantasy Football Season, complete with extra mirth and merry.

On the first day of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

A Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the second Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Two Megatron sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the third Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Three Brees’ TDs

Two Antonio Brown sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fourth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

17.7 points from Matt Forte

Three Rivers’ TDs

Two Dez Bryant sixers

and a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the fifth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

Five Romo TDs 

11.5 points from Matt Forte 

Three Arizona interceptions

Two Ray Rice sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the sixth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Six DeSean Jackson catches for two TDs

Five St. Louis sacks

11.1 points from Matt Forte

Three Nick Foles’ TDs

Two Vernon Davis sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the seventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Seven Seahawks sacks

Six A.J Green catches for 155 yards

Five points from Adrian Peterson (?)

28.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Matt Stafford TDs

Two Vinnie Jackson sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eighth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

(Thirty) Eight points from Megatron

Seven Jordy Nelson catches for 123 yards

Six Patriots sacks 

Five yards per carry for Zac Stacy 

Four Marvin Jones’ TDs

Three Dan Bailey field goals

Two Frank Gore sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree 

On the ninth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Nine Andre Johnson catches for 229 yards

Eight Keenan Allen catches for 128 yards

Seven Nick Foles’ TDs

Six scores from Riley Cooper and T.Y. Hilton

Five Dolphins sacks 

23.9 points from Matt Forte

Three Russell Wilson TDs

Two Kansas City D/ST sixers

And a Tom Brady scoring spree (Peyton was on a bye)

On the tenth Sunday of the season 

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Ten points from Alex Henery

Nine wide receivers with 17 or more points

Eight catches from Gio Bernard

Seven St. Louis sacks and interceptions 

Six (hundred) yards of Saints offense

Five Andre Johnson catches, two of which were scores

Four Matt Forte points (boooo!!) 

Three Tavon Austin TDs

s

Two Andrew Luck two-point conversions

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the eleventh Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee: 

Eleven x 2 = 22 points for the Bengals D/ST

Ten catches for Delanie Walker

Nine for Nick Foles’ jersey number

Eight relevant white wide receivers and tight ends

Seven kickers booting 50-yard field goals

Six quarterbacks throwing for 300 yards

Five for Meagatron’s fifth 20-point game

18.5 Matt Forte points

Three Beast Mode TDs

Two Shady sixers

And a Peyton Manning scoring spree

On the twelfth Sunday of the season

the fantasy gods sent to thee:

12 kickers with double-digit points

Eleven for Tiquan Underwood and his two TDs

Ten Brandon Marshall catches for 117 yards

Nine points each from the Arizona, St. Louis, and Denver D/ST

Eight Cam Newton carries for 51 yards and a TD

Seven for 77 from Nate Burleson

Six Packers sacks

Five Anquan Boldin catches and two touchdowns

11.7 Matt Forte points

Three Philip Rivers’ TDs

Two Jamaal Charles’ sixers

And Peyton Manning’s worst game of the year

FIN.

————————-

Championship Preview: (1) Assassins vs. (2) Steelcats

CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! Don’t look now, but it’s the New York Division Champs versus the Carolina Division Champs for the 2013 Gulfman League strap. WROWWWW!! (Debbie and Tiffany approve.) The Assassins have racked over 300 points in the last two weeks, thanks in large to Shady’s 217 yards in Week 14 and Jamaal Charles’ five touchdowns in the semifinals. Who will they start under center? Campbell? Cousins? Another scrap heap hero? It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma.

The ‘Cats have been leaning on a plethora of current and ex-Patriots in Brady, Vereen, Ridley, Corey Dillon, and Vinatieri (not positive about Dillon). Megatron is slumping, but he’s overdue to blow up against a shitty Giants D in a must-win game for the Lions. Will gritty, gutty Wes Welker pass his concussion test? Can Mike Wallace put together competent back-to-back outings? Does DeAngelo Williams fade into the ether after his best game in years? Feel the drama, yo. It’s hot. Nay, WHITE HOT!

Matchups favor the Assassins in a big, big way. However, the Steelcats — like a dirty stray — are pesky as hell. To the prediction machine!

Assassins 108, Steelcats 92

Shady shines against the Bears putrid run D. Assassins avenge a Week 8 thrashing.

————

Merry Christmas, bitches. I leave you with this.

Heh, heh, I bet she’s naughty.

Show No Mercy: Week 13 Fantasy Football Recap

givenWe’ve reached the point in the fantasy football season where all stops must be pulled out. Free agent adds must be shrewd. Lineup decisions must be precise. Foots must be firmly planted on necks. It’s all fun and games for a dozen weeks, but now shit gets serious. The playoffs are upon us. Bragging rights for the next year are on the line.

More importantly, money is about to be won or lost. Or in our case at Gulfman League, baskets of kittens and sacks of smiles, since we don’t play for, ahem, cash. Because that would be a form of gambling and gambling is frowned upon and just plain wrong. Right, folks?

Okay. Degenerates FTW! Vegas, horse tracks, poker tables, bingo halls, and pachinko parlors approve. I think we can all agree that life would be a tad bit duller without the wagering of money and material goods.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 13 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Livin’ right

doink

Here’s one of about a thousand reasons why the Seahawks are 11-1. They are lucky and good. On a personal note, this freakfest of a play cost me a W. Damn you Russell Wilson and your infinite poise!

11. Eli update

eli-huhThe Giants won, but Eli is still horrendous. Doofus tossed his 18th pick of the season. To put that in perspective, Nick Foles has 19 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Repeat, Nick Foles.

10. Wide receiver wizardry

If you participate in daily fantasy leagues and you started all three of the above gentleman, you are counting fat stacks on a beach in the South Pacific.

42 catches, 684 yards, 8 touchdowns. That’s the combined damage inflicted by this terrorizing trio on Sunday. Hooray for putrid defense and farcical rules that favor offensive players!

9. This…

walkAir conditioning must be broken.

8. Portrait of a groin shot

vernonGetting tackled by the balls cannot feel good. If anything should be flagged for Unnecessary Roughness, it’s this.

8. Bill Belichick: Motivator/prick

ridleyPatriots running back Stevan Ridley was a healthy scratch on Sunday due to a severe case of the fumbles. In a move that would make Bobby Knight proud, Bill Belichick made Ridley stand on the sideline for the entire game gripping a ball. What is this, high school? Oh how I wish the Pats would’ve lost. Listening to beat reporters pepper the “genius” with questions about Ridley’s absence would’ve been solid gold entertainment.

Reporter: Do you think not having Ridley affected the outcome?

Belichick: No. I’m never wrong.

Bill Belichick: The guy who’s lost two Super Bowls to Eli Manning.

7. Nice job, assholes

Thanks C.J. Spiller, Ben Tate, and Roddy White. Way to wait until Week 13 before doing jack squat. It’s not like owners of you pathetic losers were counting on you for the last three months. It’s always better to post your biggest numbers of the season when fake teams are out of playoff contention. A pox on the lot of you!

6. Hail to the King

peterson2peterson5. Take cover

no-u-didntNo egregious lineup blunders once again. The Armpits sat Alshon Jeffery against the 30th ranked Vikings secondary, which cost them points, but not a win. Ditto the Beasts regarding Eric Decker. The Assassins left Ben Tate on the pine, but there is no way in Hades he was going to start over Charles or McCoy. Fuck Ben Tate.

4. Catch it if you can

cooperRiley Cooper will fight every poorly thrown pass in the stadium.

3. Week 13 ballers, yo

russellDeMarco Murray (Monkeys) – Amazing what happens when the Cowboys actually give Murray the ball. Next up is Chicago’s 32nd ranked run defense. Ride him while he’s healthy.

Josh Gordon (Armpits) – Indy traded for the wrong Brown. Gordon’s back-to-back 200-yard games set an NFL record. If he has an average day, the Pits lose.

Russell Wilson (Beasts) – Does any quarterback shred defenses easier than this guy? Even Peyton and Brees are sloppy on occasion. Wilson never looks nervous and throws a pinpoint deep ball. Most importantly, he’s fun to watch.

2. ????????????????

And the Oscar goes to…

1. Two men enter…

The Assassins, Steelcats, and Beasts have all advanced to the playoffs. The fourth and final spot will be awarded to one of two teams: Monkeys (7-6) or Armpits (8-5). Sadly, they don’t  play each other in Week 14, but that only lessens the drama slightly. Here are the possible scenarios:

If the Pits beat the Copperpots, they are in, no matter what the Monkeys do.

If the Pits lose and the Monkeys drop the Talkers, it will come down to total points. As of now, the Pits own a 16.7 edge over the Monkeys.

If both lose, the Pits are in.

Whatever happens, we are staring at a fantastic finish to the 2013 fantasy football regular season. That’s Gulfman approved.

——————-

Zay gezunt, bitches. I leave you with this. 

at-the-pool-10-62ac7d48-sz500x667-animate

MVPOV.

Gone Fishin’: Week 12 Fantasy Football Recap

vacationI’m certain my tens of adoring readers will be crushed, but this week’s fantasy recap is an abbreviated one due to my deep-sea fishing excursion in the Caribbean. Sorry. but hooking a sturgeon, marlin, or ancient sea monster takes precedence over procuring animated GIFs of Tom Brady yelling at refs.

Playoffs update

Holy fucking barnburners, Gulfman League was chock-full of down to the wire duels in Week 12. Love it!

Assassins are still in, despite a loss to the Armpits, who moved one step closer to a shot at achieving fake glory.

Steelcats and Beasts had chances to clinch, but both lost. C’mon guy and gal, learn how to finish.

Monkeys, Negotiators, and Talkers are all waiting in the wings.

Everyone else is pretty much donezo.

Groin shot

rggroin

Hurts more because he has III balls. *sprays lapel flower, honks bicycle horn*

Ass shot

reid-riversUhh… your guess is as good as mine.

More ass…

summer

Sand never looked better.

And more groin…

Photoshopped. Obviously.

———————–

Full recap returns next week. Until then, here’s America’s whore sweetheart Miley Cyrus singing in front of a giant kitten.

Dark Clouds Gather: Week 11 Fantasy Football Recap

Oh no. Ominous title. Must be another thinly veiled attempt to relate real life football to the fake variety we engage in for 16 weeks every autumn. Let me guess, more blathering about catastrophic injuries? Perhaps a vitriolic (i.e. pointless) rant about the fairness of bye weeks in regards to roster continuity? Or one more dogmatic treatise singing the virtues of PPR auction leagues?

Nope. None of the above.  Actually, I just needed to seamlessly segue into a discussion about weather. Specifically, the end of the world as we know it doomsday that made an otherwise who gives a fuck matchup between the yawn-inducing Ravens and the MASH unit Bears, relevant and watchable. Rain. Wind. Hail. TORNADO!!

World renowned meteorologist and rumored cross-dresser John Cessarich once told me that tornadoes are dangerous. Nay, deadly. Don’t believe me? Behold this dark alchemy!

Witchcraft. Pure and simple. Take a gander at what that bitch Mother Nature did to Soldier Field on Sunday.

Not on the Sabbath!

Droplets of moisture that fall from the sky are the devil’s work!

But grass stains never come out!

concourse

CONCESSIONS CLOSED. HOW CAN FANS SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE WITHOUT LUKEWARM HOT DOGS AND WATERED DOWN BEER?

weather-3“Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!”

In short: Weather is hilarious (and dangerous, I guess).

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 11 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Brees bobblehead

breeshit

Available at Amazon and other fine retail outlets just in time for Christmas.

11. NBC be teasin’

qbmania

Only five days away from the greatest quarterback showdown in the history of man/earth/time. Look how stoic Pey-Pey is. His half-grin, half-sneer visage conveys the quiet confidence of a fearless leader, while also masking the inherent blockhead hickness that dwells just below the surface.

And my god. Look at Golden Boy. So brash. So focused. So debonair. It’s as if Jesus himself pulled on a Patriots jersey, gelled his hair, married a Brazilian supermodel, and became the face of UGG® for Men. Tom Brady is a gladiator for the ages constructed of steely resolve and sinewy excellence.

The anticipation is palpable.

10. You’ve been McGloined

Prior to Sunday, Raiders third-string quarterback Matt McGloin’s claim to fame was being the starting quarterback in Happy Valley when the misunderstood Jerry Sandusky was busted for “roughhousing” with young boys in the Penn State locker room showers.

Now, McGloin is waged in a heated battle with Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton for the title of gingeriest of ginger signal-callers in the NFL. Look out Andy, ’cause Matty has the chops to fool everyone into thinking he’s a legit franchise quarterback despite a painfully average skill set. Don’t think he can throw three interceptions in back-to-back games? Matt McGloin will prove you wrong. Watch and see.

9. This…

Helps winter go down smoother.

8. Dreads, anyone?

babin-hairJacksonville is terrible at football, but great at ripping dreadlocks from the heads of rookie running backs.

7. You make the call

no-callThey’re dancing. Isn’t that adorable. And in this case, illegal. No biggie, why should penalties be reviewable? That would just complicate a perfectly functioning replay system. /deletes bookie’s number from phone, moves to Papua New Guinea.

6. Rob Ford’s Week 12 picks

"Oh My God, He's Attacked Somebody!" Rob Ford Goes On Rampage

Little known fact: Infamous crack smoker/pussy hound/public urinator and sometimes Toronto mayor Rob Ford is an avid fantasy football enthusiast. Here are his picks for Week 12 studs.

Mike Vick – Anyone who uses the alias Ron Mexico to purchase herpes meds is my kind of bro. Plus, he’s done time, so he’s got major street cred. Wait, he’s hurt and on a bye? Fuck it, I’m starting him anyway. That’s how Rob Ford rolls.

LeGarrette Blount – Throws a punch like a 1940s era prize-fighter. As long as he’s ballin’, there’ll be a place for him on my team.

Brandon Jacobs – He’s a fat guy. I’m down with fat guys.

Dwayne Bowe – He and I agree that ounce for ounce, nothing beats BC Bud.

Steve Smith – Feisty, doesn’t take shit from nobody. I can relate. I once cold-cocked my campaign manager for dissing me in public. Rob Ford don’t play that way.

Justin Blackmon – Was there video of him smokin’ a dooby? I never saw one. I’m calling for his immediate reinstatement.

Rob Ford: Canadian hero.

5. Did you know…

  • That the Cowboys have allowed four quarterbacks to throw for 400-plus yards (and Brew Brees 392) this season?
  • That the Falcons have allowed three running backs to rush for 140-plus yards in the last four weeks?
  • That Tom Brady is on pace to throw the fewest number of touchdown passes in a non-injury year since he totaled 18 in 2001?
  • That LeSean McCoy is averaging 128 yards from scrimmage per game?
  • That Riley Cooper and Josh Gordon rank first and second in yards per catch for receivers with at least 30 receptions?
  • The Panthers haven’t allowed more than 82 yards to a running back since Week 2?
  • The top three scoring tight ends have combined for 28 touchdowns, while the top three wide receivers have combined for 27 touchdowns

4. Sexy time

Yummy

Hypnotic, isn’t it?

3. Week 11 ballers, yo

brownStevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Scored a touchdown against a solid rush defense, which was critical in securing a ‘Cats victory. Also lost a fumble, so Shane Vereen and Lardass Blount aren’t going anywhere.

Bengals D/ST (Beasts) – The Bengals defense bailed out shit stain Andy Dalton again. A pair of touchdowns, 3 picks, and 4 sacks is ridiculous, and Gulfman approved.

Antonio Brown (Assassins) – Based on AB’s production this season, it’s easy to see why management gave him the extension and kicked Mike Wallace to the gutter that is South Florida. Brown notched his second two-TD game on Sunday, much to the joy of the Assassins.

2. Man down

RG-down2012 seems like an eternity ago.

1. Playoff picture

fantasy-playoffsOh, how time has flown this fantasy year. The playoffs are nigh. Here’s how things look with three weeks left in the regular season.

Clinched: Assassins (9-2) – Locked down at least a Wildcard. Even if they lose the next three, they’re still in.

One win away: Steelcats (8-3), Beasts (8-3) – ‘Cats win this week, they seize the New York Division. Beasts win, they earn at least a Wildcard.

On the cusp: Armpits (6-5) – The Pits have been stinking hot of late, topping 100 points in consecutive weeks. However, they’ll likely be sweating it out until Week 14 due to a quagmire for the fourth and final spot.

Need help: Monkeys, Excuses, Negotiators, Talkers, and Massacres (all 5-6) – A five-way tie for second place in the NY Division is bonkers. I’m fresh out of mollies, so breaking down all the permutations is out of the question.

Clinging to life: Petes (4-7) – Need to win out and hope for a bunch of crazy shit to happen. Yeah, they’re donezo.

See ya in 2014: Balls (3-8), Copperpots (3-8) – So long defending champs. It’s a hard knock life sans Adrian Peterson.

——————

Tchau, bitches. I leave you with this.

poke-6-00283d4e-sz618x1100-animate

It’s artistic n shit.

The Stretch Drive: Week 10 Fantasy Football Recap

Four weeks to go in the 2013 fantasy regular season. Let the jockying for playoff positions commence! Got an obvious hole on your fake roster? Now is the time to fill it. Looking to engineer a blockbuster trade before the deadline expires? Better get crackin’. Want to issue a fatwa on Mike Shanahan? Do it, please.

A spate of injuries coupled with those annoying bye weeks has made the last few weeks and the weeks ahead challenging. Aaron Rodgers’ cracked collarbone couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not to mention Jay Cutler’s groin/ankle ailments. Or Arian Foster’s back surgery. Or Chrissy Johnson’s reliabilityectomy. Or Eli Manning’s accuracy transplant. Or… you get the point.

Odds are it will be guys like Brian Leonard, Zac Stacy, and Riley Cooper leading rosters to postseason glory, while colossal busts like Trent Richardson, C.J. Spiller, and Ray Rice are anointed pariahs by their respective owners. Of all the first-round selections in the draft, only Lynch, McCoy, Morris, Forte, and Calvin have met or exceeded expectations. Adrian Peterson has been good, just not number one overall pick awesome.

It’s been a topsy-turvy ten weeks, where Jerricho Cotchery and Eddie Royal have more points than Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith. Where Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor have outscored Tom Brady and Eli. Where Danny Woodhead has more points than Ryan Mathews. Where the Chiefs defense has more points than Victor Cruz.

In summary: Get your house in order, ’cause shit’s about to get real, brothers and sister.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 10 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Miami nice

freeincog

Only in Florida.

11. The return of Eli Face

eli-face3Just one interception for Eli? Bullshit! Wait, it was a pick-six? Okay, that’s more like it. Again, two Super Bowl rings.

10. Trolling in Atlanta

danceSeahawks fans. All they do is arrogantly flaunt their superior dance moves in the other team’s crib. Ginger with sunglasses is not impressed. Get that little bastard to a Chuck E. Cheese’s, pronto.

9. This…

uptonDancing I can endorse.

8. All hail the Jags and Bucs!

jagwin

It was bound to happen. Maurice Jones-Drew averages 2.0 yards per carry. Jordan Todman finds the end zone. Chad Henne throws zero touchdowns and 2 picks. Jaguars defense records a safety plus a strip and score. Just how Gus Bradley drew it up.

jags-winAnnnnddd Titans fan is officially on suicide watch. Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids.

https://i0.wp.com/s3.amazonaws.com/br-cdn/temp_images/2013/11/12/PennTD.gif

A fat guy TD! Totally rad, bro. Mike Glennon to Donald Penn is an unstoppable connection.

https://i0.wp.com/cdn3.sbnation.com/assets/3553847/joeagape_medium.gif

Yes you are, Joe. Could be worse. Richie Incognito could be shitting in your mouth.

7. Stud’s stat sheet

stats

  • Russell Wilson has accounted for 10 touchdowns in his last four starts. Philip Rivers has accounted for 5 touchdowns in his last four starts.
  • Reggie Bush has 2 touchdowns in his last five starts. Mike Tolbert has 5 touchdowns in his last five starts.
  • Zac Stacy has 70.7 fantasy points in his last four starts. LeSean McCoy has 44.7 fantasy points in his last four starts.
  • Antonio Gates hasn’t scored more than 7.4 points since Week 4. Julius Thomas has scored at least 9.7 points in seven of nine games.
  • Victor Cruz hasn’t scored double-digit fantasy points since Week 4.  A.J. Green hasn’t scored fewer than 11.5 fantasy points since Week 5.
  • Wes Welker hasn’t totaled more than 84 yards in any game. Alshon Jeffery has four games over 100 yards.

6. Give it up for the wide receivers

Amazing. And yet the Bungals managed to screw it up in OT. Don’t go changin’ Cincinnati.

Don’t forget about Dre.

goldenThe “Fade” executed to perfection.

5. Take cover

Make a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.

Once again, no egregious errors this week. Makes my job easier. The Pots should’ve left Aaron Dobson on the pine considering he was crushing Call of Duty: Ghosts during his bye, but even Marques Colston’s sudden reanimation wouldn’t have helped.

4. Who are those guys?

Mark Ingram ran for 145 yards? Same bag of hammers who had 50 yards on the season prior to Sunday night? Yup. Too bad he doesn’t play Dallas every week.

Who is this Bobby Rainey you speak of? I am not familiar with his work. He plays running back… for Tampa? I’ll take your word for it.

Quick, name the Miami Dolphins receiver who has scored twice and totaled over 100 yards in the same game this season? Brian Hartline? Nope. Brandon Gibson? Close, but no. Mike Wallace? Ha-ha, that’s funny. The answer is…

… RISHARD MATTHEWS! 11 receptions for 120 yards and 2 TDs. Too bad he doesn’t play the Bucs every week.

His name is Scott Tolzien. His name is Scott Tolzien. His name is Scott Tolzien. When does Aaron Rodgers come back?

3. Week 10 ballers, yo

More like Drew Ease, amirite?

Drew Brees (Negotiators) – Could’ve tossed for 500 yards if Sean Payton didn’t turn to the ground game. The Cowboys defense with a half-speed DeMarcus Ware and sans Sean Lee is downright heinous.

Ryan Mathews (Excuses) – He still kinda sucks, but Mathews’ second rushing touchdown of the year was crucial to the lame ones securing a win.

Marshawn Lynch (Petes) – My goodness, Beast Mode looked strong on Sunday. I would rather run head first into a retaining wall than attempt to tackle Marshawn Lynch.

2. An ode to Dwayne Bowe

Runs routes like a grizzly bear, has hands like a flea. 

Check out Dwayne Bowe, he smokes joints the size of a tree.

Incarcerate him now, try him later. 

‘Cause that fool Dwayne Bowe got a message for the hater. 

1. A helping hand

The astute Gulfman League owners clearly don’t need it, but I’m nothing if not generous.

Quarterbacks with easiest remaining schedule

Cutler/McCown, Keenum/Schaub, Foles/Vick

Running backs with easiest remaining schedule

Jackson/Spiller, Tate/D. Johnson, Andre Brown/Hillis, McCoy, Gore

Wide receivers with easiest remaining schedule

Marshall/Jeffery, Bryant/Williams, Nelson/Jones/Boykin, Bowe/Avery (don’t be fooled), Cruz/Nicks/Randle

————

Tạm Biệt, bitches. I leave you with this.

tumblr_mgdpn5rbgy1qfb5iyo1_1280-13b7235c-sz510x462-animate

Lucky railing.

Bizarro World: Week 9 Fantasy Football Recap

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? I can’t make heads or tails of the 2013 NFL season. Just when I think I have a leg up on the ins and outs, the fantasy gods fire a monkey wrench from upon high that drills me right upside the ol’ noggin’. I’m confused, to put it mildly.

Let me get this straight… Nick Foles threw seven touchdowns in one game? Some guy named Case Keenum outscored Drew Brees and Cam Newton? Zac Stacy was the number one running back? Fullback (what’s that?) Darrel Young scored three times? Mike James gashed the Seahawks defense for 158 yards?

Oh the humanity! Make it stop!

Riley Cooper, Jericho Cotchery, Aaron Dobson, and Marlon Brown combined for ten touchdowns? Jason Campbell was a Top 10 quarterback for the second straight week? Chris Ivory ran for 139 yards and a touchdown? Rashad Jennings totaled 176 yards? Davone Bess scored twice?

Please! Enough is enough!

Guess how many of the above group were started in Gulfman League for Week 9? Answer is two: James and Dobson. If you got it correct, slap a gold star on that big brain of yours ’cause you be smart ‘n’ stuff. Two, that’s all. With the exception of maybe Stacy, I can’t even fault anyone for leaving this motley crew on the pine. Hell, some of these clowns shouldn’t even be owned.

We have officially entered the fantasy Twilight Zone.

Oh, and Aaron Rodgers busted his collarbone, thus killing the value of all Packers receivers. Glorious.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 9 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh yeah!

12. Story time, part II

dez-baby2Baby Dez mad. Baby Dez need attention. Baby Dez take helmet off. Wah! Wah! Look at me.

dez-babyJared Allen puts Baby Dez in time out. Baby Dez sulks. Baby Dez need to punch someone. Where’s my mommy?

11. Shanahanigans update

http://thefootbawlblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/sportscrab-shanny-face.jpg

The red-faced prick is at it again. Alfred Morris was the shit on Sunday: 121 yards and a touchdown. However, he would’ve been the bomb if not for Darrel Young: 5 carries, 12 yards, 3 TDs. Is in inappropriate to suggest that Mike Shanahan be scalped? Probably, but fuck it.

10. Give it up for the RBs

gioI call this the “Giostick.”

https://studrunningback.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/7b480-mikejamesbucsjumpass.gif

Jumper from James is good!

all-dayALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Best RB ever? He gets my vote. Too bad he’s stuck on the shitty Vikings.

9. This…

beefcakeJust a hunch. He works out. #beefcakerequestfulfilled

8. Tom Brady is insensitive

https://i0.wp.com/images.ftw.usatoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/bradyhighv.gif

Is Golden Boy going full retard? Sure seems to be. Perhaps he’s overjoyed for finally tossing more than two touchdowns in a game for the first time in 2013. Or perhaps he’s just a dick. I’m leaning toward the latter.

7. The Chip Kelly Effect

https://i0.wp.com/img.bleacherreport.net/img/images/photos/002/593/356/hi-res-184416368-quarterback-nick-foles-of-the-philadelphia-eagles-talks_crop_north.jpg

The weekly circus that is the 2013 Philadelphia Eagles has been fun to follow. Being an Eagles fan, I am thoroughly enjoying the ongoing debate about whether Chip Kelly is a genius or a gimmick, whether his offense can function with or without a “mobile” quarterback, and whether or not a successful (and highly influential) college offensive system can work in the NFL, etc., etc.

I am admittedly biased, but I’m also a Philly fan, meaning I live to trash this franchise when they are deserving, and they have been more deserving than not in recent years. That said, I gave the Kelly hire a massive thumbs up. Why? Because I watched Oregon steamroll opponents from 2007-2012. Unlike his predecessor, Kelly excels at adjusting his scheme to not only fit his personnel, but also to counter what defenses are doing to attack him.

Ignore the uniformed talking heads when evaluating Kelly’s offense. Let them looks like assholes while they pontificate endlessly. I prefer to look at the numbers, as the numbers reveal the truth.

– 13th in points, 4th in total yards, 10th in passing yards, 3rd in rushing yards

– LeSean McCoy: 777 yards rushing, 320 yards receiving – 840 yards rushing, 373 yards receiving in 12 games a season ago.

– DeSean Jackson: 823 yards receiving – 2nd in the NFL. Career high in yards is 1156.

– Riley Cooper: 453 yards, 5 touchdowns – Had 5 touchdowns from 2010-2012.

– Nick Foles: 13 TDs, 0 INT, 1028 yards, 127.4 QB rating in 3 1/2 games.

McCoy and Jackson were already established stars, but Kelly has made them scary lethal. Prior to August, Cooper was famous for his use of colorful slurs at Kenny Chesney concerts, not his on field performance; Kelly has somehow made him relevant as a player. And then there’s Foles.

Do I think Nick Foles is the next Dan Marino? No. He could be the next Scott Mitchell. He could throw for 120 yards and two picks against the Packers on Sunday. But thus far, under Kelly’s tutelage, he has more touchdowns than Flacco, Eli, and Big Ben, and as many as Brady and Luck. And he’s done it in 3 1/2 games, counting the steaming dump he dropped versus Dallas.

Point is, Kelly is working with virtually the same group of offensive players (minus Jeremy Maclin) that Andy Reid had in 2012. Reid’s offense ranked 29th in scoring and 15th in yards. Kelly does have the benefit of a healthy offensive line, which can’t be overlooked. But it’s apparent he is more adept at getting the ball in his playmakers’ hands in a variety of places on the field than Reid.

Nine games into his pro coaching career and Kelly is making significant waves. Imagine what he can do when he has his roster, not the 4-12 one he inherited. He still has much to learn, but I have a feeling he’ll figure out the pro game sooner than later. This ain’t darts.

https://i2.wp.com/gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/its-science-anchorman.gif

6. The header curse

doug-martinNotice who’s gracing the Stud Running Back header this season? That would be a pair of first-round duds, Doug Martin and C.J. Spiller. 2012 featured Ray Rice and LeSean McCoy. Rice was awesome and won a Super Bowl, but Shady sat out four games concussed and saw his TD total plummet from 20 to 5. In 2011, Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster got the nod. The former blew out his knee in Week 1, while Foster missed three games with a bum ankle. I have no idea which lucky candidates will adorn the 2014 header, but draft at your own risk.

5. Take Cover

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2830844160/hBD3717C0/

Make a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.

The Armpits started Golden Tate who was facing Darrelle Revis. Tate scored 2.9 points. On the Pits bench sat Alshon Jeffery and Andre Johnson. Jeffery scored 12.1. Andre scored 40.9. Either receiver would’ve turned a 0ne-point defeat into a victory.

It’s tough to sit Jamaal Charles or LeSean McCoy, but the Assassins strongly considered swapping out Shady for Giovani Bernard. In the end, they rolled with the Eagle and lost. Needless to say, Gio’s 23.8 points were missed.

Petes started the Broncos defense. Unfortunately for them, the Denver D was sipping Mai Tais on a beach during their bye.

https://i1.wp.com/www.troll.me/images/creepy-willy-wonka/oh-well-thumb.jpg

4. To run or not to run

When Nick Foles fires seven touchdowns and Case Keenum chucks it for 350, it’s safe to say the NFL is a passing league. Duh. But how does run/pass ratio equate to winning and losing? Inquiring minds (or me, anyway) want to know. Let’s find out, shall we.

The Niners, Seahawks, and Panthers rank one, two, three in run/pass, meaning they tote the rock the most. This trio has a combined record of 19-6. The bottom three in run/pass are Cleveland, Dallas, and Atlanta, with a combined record of 11-15.

That’s somewhat revealing, but doesn’t tell the whole story. What about balance, Mr. Miyagi? Is balance really the key to great success, or is it bullshit propaganda fed to the football viewing masses by rub-some-dirt-on-that-concussion era analysts?

Removing the top and bottom ten teams in run/pass ratio leaves us with a dozen teams: Indy, New England, Cincinnati, Washington, Houston, San Diego, Tampa, Chicago, Denver, St. Louis, Baltimore, and Minnesota. Their combined record is 47-52. Of those twelve, six are worthy playoff contenders. Seems about right.

The top 10 in run/pass includes the aforementioned Niners, ‘Hawks, and ‘Cats, plus other playoff contenders like the Jets, Packers, Titans, Chiefs, and Eagles (wishful thinking). The bottom 10 in run/pass includes contenders Detroit, New Orleans, Dallas, Cleveland, and Miami.

At this point, New Orleans and Detroit offer the best hope for a pass-happy team to hoist Lombardi. All the other likely champs are either run-heavy or relatively balanced.

By the way, last year’s Super Bowl participants, San Fran and Baltimore, finished 3rd and 15th in run/pass ratio, respectively. By contrast, the 2011 Super Bowl teams, Pats and Giants, finished 22nd and 26th in run/pass, so all my speculating amounts to jack squat.

3. Week 9 ballers, yo

Stevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Six touchdowns in his last four after being a non-factor for six weeks. Shane Vereen’s return could either help or hurt him. Regardless, he was a stud in Week 9.

Mike James (Beasts) – Still hasn’t found the end zone, but he’s looked more spry than Doug Martin did pre-injury. Plus, Mike James is to jump-pass TDs what Justin Bieber is to future heroin habits.   

Matt Forte (Excuses) – I love Matt Forte. Guy has helped win me at least two fake championships. But on Monday Night, I loathed him. The bastard single-handedly chiseled away my 20-point lead. Screw you Marc Trestman for knowing how to properly use a dual-threat running back!

2. Destroy all kickers

Seems like an ideal time to spew my annual rant about banning kickers from all forms of football. Spare me the argument about losing the “excitement” and “drama” of the kickoff. Don’t care. Spot the ball at the 20 or 25 and be done with it.

But Josh Cribbs and Devon Hester won’t have jobs! First, they could still return punts. Punting is and always will be integral to football. Besides, what’s better than watching a punter get plowed over by an overeager safety or linebacker? Second, learn how to run routes, return “specialists.” DeSean Jackson and Wes Welker have no problem handling double-duty, so everyone else can get to work or get to steppin’.

An increase in fourth-down attempts would be welcome. Did you see Marc Tretsman go for it on his own 32 on Monday night? That took massive stones and ended up paying off, because da Bears converted and killed the clock with an 80-yard, 18-play drive. Of course, they ended up booting a field goal to extend their lead, but eliminate kickers from the equation and they either plunge in for another touchdown (yay for fantasy!) or hand the ball to the Pack with scant time left and a long way to travel for a winning touchdown.

Do dopes like Randy Bullock from the Texans really deserve jobs? Fatboy shanked THREE field goals on Sunday night, including the potential game-tying kick. Houston would’ve been better off putting the ball back in Case Keenum’s hands on all of those failed drives.

Ultimately, kickers just muck up the works. They also make head coaches strategically lazy and passive. Ron Rivera was Mr. Conservative entering 2013, and his gig was in jeopardy because of it. Now all he does is go for fourth-downs, which has helped turn the Panthers into legitimate NFC contenders.

To sum up: kickers suck.

1.Bold prediction

I take pleasure in hammering The Negotiators whenever possible, but it’s never (usually) meant to be malicious. It’s because some of their moves are downright vexing. That said, they aren’t complete buffoons. I praised them for drafting Eddie Lacy and T.Y. Hilton, and both guys are in prime position to be beasts down the stretch. The Packers have to lean on Lacy with Rodgers out, and Reggie Wayne’s season-ending injury opened the door for Hilton to become Luck’s go-to guy. Also, Alfred Morris is looking studly of late. It pains me to write this, but IF Danny Amendola stays healthy, the Deal Makers might end up being the team to beat in Gulfman League.

I’m serious.

No, I’m not high.

I’m sensing sarcasm.

Oh, never mind.

——————

 नमस्ते, bitches. I leave you with this.

twincitietwins1

Nice to see sisters that get along.

Doh! Week 8 Fantasy Football Recap

Damn Sealions

[via]

Poor, poor Dallas. They were oh so close to victory in Detroit on Sunday. It was there for the taking, like a ripe Golden Delicious apple waiting to be plucked from the tree of goodness. So much so that premature ejaculator/color analyst Brian Billick declared the Cowboys winners with a little over a minute remaining. Dipshit that he is, Billick neglected to factor in, A) the Cowboys’ penchant for late-game collapses, and 2) MEGATRON.

The first omission is somewhat excusable. I mean, Tony Romo wasn’t directly involved in the eventual outcome. In fact, Romo handed his defense a 30-24 lead with 1:02 left to play. There would be no fumbled snap or ill-advised chuck into double coverage. Nope. All Romo had to do was kick back on the sidelines and watch his defense bring home the W.

One small problem. Said Dallas defense had been ravaged all afternoon by the Matt Stafford-to-Calvin Johnson combo. Wait, ravaged doesn’t adequately describe it. Eviscerated sounds better. Nah, still not good enough. In keeping with the fish theme, I’m gonna go with gutted. Yeah, that’s a keeper.

So, it was a gutted defense versus an otherworldly wide receiver with 62 seconds remaining. What could possibly go wrong? There’s no way the ‘Boys’ brain trust would allow the guy with 12 catches for 290 yards to torch them. Not again. Well, at least not more than once. Cue the thunder. We all know how this tale of terror ends.

Six plays, 50 seconds. Lions 31, Cowboys 30. Ta-da! Hey, it could worse, Dallas. You could be one of the other NFC East turds.

Think your fantasy team is on the fast track to champagne wishes and caviar dreams? Think again. Down in the dumps because you believe your fake franchise is destined to miss the playoffs? Lift that chin up. The winds of change never stop blowing. Fortunes can be reversed for better or worse in one fell swoop. It is known.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 8 fantasy football 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Gather ’round for story time, kids

dezThe day started off swell for baby Dez. Look at me. I catch ball good. 

dez-madThen the worm turned when baby Dez took umbrage to being shown up by Calvin. Me not getting ball enough. Me go pout in da corner. WAH! WAH! 

dez-wittenJason Witten, a man, grew tired of baby Dez’s bellyaching. Hey fucktard! I’ll give you something to really cry about if you don’t stop acting like a punk pussy!

And the Cowboys lived unhappily ever after. The end. (Actually, Dez was shouting “positive” things on Sunday, but that makes story time a thousand times less interesting.)

11. It’s raining frogs

Frogs

Quarterback A has the following stats through 8 games: 55.7%, 1824 yards, 9 TDs, 6 INTs, 74.9 QB rating

Quarterback B has the following stats through 8 games: 65.6%, 2249 yards, 16 TDs, 7 INTs, 99.0 QB rating

Quarterback A is Tom Brady. Quarterback B is Andy Dalton.

10. Halloween costume suggestion

Got a kid? Dress the little tyke up as Andy Reid this Halloween and be treated to a sack full of BBQ ribs, a guide to clock management, and Parenting for Dummies. It’s a win-win!

9. This…

spongebobAbsorbent and yellow and porous is she…

8. Bend over

Week 8 in the NFL and Week 8 in Gulfman League had something in common: blowouts. Eight of 13 pro games were decided by double-digits, including 32- and 40-point wins by San Fran and Cincinnati, respectively. Our little dog and pony show league featured four obliterations, including the Steelcats pummeling of the previously unbeaten Assassins (I take pride in losing in grandiose style).

Bye weeks and injuries are rearing their ugly heads like nobody’s business. With Denver, Detroit, and the 49ers off in Week 9, we might be looking at more lopsided results. Wait, no Pey Pey? No gritty, gutty Wes Welker? No Eric “Don’t Call Me Ed McCaffery” Decker? No Bush? NO MEGATRON? We riot.

In other news, the Jaguars are also off.

7. London Part Deux

londonHello, American lords and ladies. London calling. We rather enjoyed hosting your football match this past Sunday. It provided a welcome respite from our normal routine of Mr. Bean marathons and self-satisfied mockery of the daft twits running your pathetic “democracy.” Even the Queen Mum took time out from waiting to die to watch the tattooed fellow of indiscernible ethnicity run for one those touchdowns. She was quite taken by his long strides and sculpted physique. He reminded her of a young chap she met during the War, whilst a member of the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service. The tall, lean, swarthy mechanic responsible for her sexual awakening,. Oh dear. Clearly I have revealed too much. That third glass of brandy was a mistake. Nevertheless, we look forward to your pigskin returning to the Monarchy in 2014. By the by, aren’t our hats posh?

london-2

6. WWE tackle of the week

cruz-slamI was torn here. As a long-suffering Eagles fan, I relished Bradley Fletcher and Nate Allen suplexing Salsa Man to the turf. On the other hand, as a Cruz owner, I can ill afford to lose his sterling weekly stat line of 6-8 points with no touchdowns.

5. Stud’s stat sheet

stats

  • LeSean McCoy has rushed for 5 touchdowns in his last 20 starts. Andrew Luck has rushed for 8 touchdowns in his last 20 starts.
  • Peyton Manning has 29 touchdowns. Two more than the Eagles, Ravens, and Steelers combined.
  • Marvin Jones has 7 touchdowns on 24 receptions. Antonio Brown has two touchdowns on 56 receptions.
  • Andre Ellington has 333 yards on 43 carries. Rashard Mendenhall has 281 yards on 92 carries.
  • Tony Gonzalez has 5 catches for 56 yards without Julio Jones and Roddy White in the lineup.
  • The Redskins rank 31st in NFL defense. The Redskins rank 4th in fantasy defense.

4. Sad but true

sad-but-true/weeps softly into tattered Donovan McNabb jersey.

3. Week 8 ballers, yo

mega

I’ll crush you with my bare hands!

Marvin Jones (Beasts) – Not only did the Furry ones have the wisdom to pluck Jones from the scrap heap, but they started him to boot. Four touchdowns and 36.2 points moves them to 5-3. That’s Gulfman approved.

Golden Tate (Armpits) – Golden is, well, golden on Monday night. He “robbed” the Packers in 2012, then pillaged the Rams in Week 8 of 2013 for 93 yards and a pair of scores.

Megatron (Steelcats) – The one, the only. Calvin’s 329 yards were 194 more than Seattle gained as a team on Monday night. Let that sink in. Oh, he was stopped inside the five three times, too.

2. GO TEAMS!

For the second time in three weeks, no lineup gaffes. Pandora’s Box gift cards for everyone!

1. It’s officially time to panic

Tom Brady – Peyton has nearly twice as many fantasy points as Golden Boy. Mike Vick, who has missed two full games and parts of two others has only 3.3 fewer points. Don’t fret, though. Brady’s life is still awesome. He’ll be just fine. (See below.)

Ray Rice – Can’t trade him because he won’t fetch fair value. Only recourse is to keep him on the pine until he bounces back. Bottom line: he looks like a casualty of the lengthy Super Bowl run.

Darren Sproles – Posted a goose egg in Week 8. Like teammate Marques Colston, he’s just not as involved in the Saints attack this season. Odd.

Hakeem Nicks – Slow, disinterested, bad hands. Some receiver-needy team will throw cash at this dud in the offseason and immediately regret it.

Mike Wallace – Speaking of $50 million regrets. Hasn’t scored in six weeks and drops at least one gimme every Sunday. Perhaps the season-ending injury to Brandon Gibson will help. Nah, Wallace just stinks.

Dwayne Bowe – Gets more useless by the week. The schedule is favorable down the stretch, but his quarterback is still Alex Smith.

————

Farvel, bitches. I leave you with this. Golden Boy and his lady dressed for Halloween. Adorable.

halloweencity

No shortage of courage here.

Maximum Carnage: Week 7 Fantasy Football Recap

body-bagBrutal. Absolutely brutal. If you escaped this past Sunday’s mass destruction unscathed, consider yourself charmed. In another league, I lost four starters before the day was done. Needless to say, it ended up being a throttling of epic proportions as my fake roster was bent over a pommel horse and buggered repeatedly.

Here’s a rundown of the casualties from the Week 7 fantasy apocalypse:

  • Doug Martin – Torn shoulder labrum. Or maybe not according to the well-oiled machine that is Bucs’ upper management. Piece of advice: 0-6 teams going nowhere with a walking dead head coach shouldn’t risk further damage to their franchise running back. Put Dougie on the shelf.
  • Jay Cutler – Out at least four weeks with a ripped groin. I was reminded of the following childhood limerick as I watched Cutty exit the field with a noticeable limp: When you’re sliding down a rail and your balls hit a nail, that’s a rupture.
  • Reggie Wayne – Torn ACL. Done for the year, and maybe his career. Rehab at age 35 is a bitch. Way to hang your number one receiver out to dry with a shitty throw, Andrew Luck. Blaine Gabbert would at least have the courtesy to throw a pick.
  • Arian Foster – Hoo-boy! Owners were not pleased with this one. Foster’s tender hammy flared up in the first quarter and he spent the remainder of the game in street clothes. That stings.
  • Ben Tate – Foster’s backup has four broken ribs. He says he’s fine. Uhh, okay.
  • Jermichael Finley – Not even joking. He looked dead on the field after a vicious helmet-to-helmet collision. Good news is he’s up and walking, despite a bruised spinal cord. He’d be smart to hang it up for the rest of 2013, if not for good.
  • Sam Bradford – Done for the year with a torn ACL. I blame myself for pointing out how well he was playing in last week’s recap. An already dysfunctional offense just went Cuckoo’s Nest. Unless they sign… drum roll… QUARTERBACK JESUS!!!

tebow-angel

  • Nick Foles – After watching Sick Nick misfire horribly for three quarters, one might think he was concussed before the game. No, it happened early in the fourth quarter. The job of saving Eagles football now falls on the brittle shoulders of a USC quarterback, Matt Barkley. Yeah, this will end well.
  • Trent Richardson – Didn’t suffer an official injury, but might as well have. A cinder block on roller skates can average more yards per carry than this lump of shit.

Good grief. Stop the madness, please! When you’re starting guys you didn’t know existed ten days ago, there’s a problem afoot.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 7 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Vontae Davis is the best

Golden Boy is so awesome and dreamy, teams he doesn’t even play are preparing for him.

11. Specter of Shanahanigans returns

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If you haven’t dabbled in weekly fantasy leagues, you really should. They are a lotta fun and a great way to make some easy money when you hit. Anyway, I started Alfred Morris in a couple of leagues knowing full well that if the decimated Bears defense can be gashed by tub of guts Brandon Jacobs, a legit stud like Morris would feast. I’m an idiot, because I didn’t take into account Mike Shanahan, who is notorious for futzing with his backfield rotation. Morris finished with 95 yards on 19 carries. Roy Helu finished with 41 yards on 11 carries… WITH THREE TOUCHDOWNS. Fuck you, Mike Shanahan.

10. Let’s pay tribute to the 7-0 Chiefs

alex-smithAlex Smith: The Prestige!

https://studrunningback.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/20f9a-bowecharlescelebrate.gif

This GIF has nothing to do with Jamaal Charles being the quintessential Stud Running Back. Look closely at the world’s greatest neckbeard in the background. It’s a glorious portrait of modern-day lycanthropy.

reidWhen Kansas City wins the Super Bowl 5-3 over Seattle, I will use all the resources at my disposal to cast Andy Reid on Dancing With the Stars.

9. This…

https://i1.wp.com/i111.photobucket.com/albums/n131/Nicnever/Jessica%20Biel/Biel__Summer__004.gif

DAMN YOU TIMBERLAKE!

8. Twitter loves Jay Cutler

vag

Oh, Cutty haters on Twitter. You complete me.

7. Justin Blackmon: Enemy of stadium security

blackmonThis is mesmerizing. I love how he stands over the poor schlub after trucking him as if to say, “Don’t be gettin’ in my way, bitch.”

6. Better recognize

Your boy Calvin is back! Doing what he does best. Humiliating professional defensive backs with his feats of athletic superiority. That’s TRIPLE COVERAGE by the Bengals. Megatron don’t care. 9 catches, 155 yards, 2 TDs. Deal with it. And I get to face him in Week 8. Yay me!

5. Take cover

Starting Trent Richardson didn’t cost the Talkers a W, but it sure as hell could have. How do I put this? Richardson is basically a drunken circus clown masquerading as an NFL running back. He’s a slow, injury-prone fumbler who isn’t worth a 5th round draft pick, let alone the first-round pick Cleveland duped out of Indy.

He’s only slightly better than Mark Ingram and deserves to be benched or dropped in all formats. I have no idea why so-called fantasy “experts” talked this cloud of dirt up all summer. He’s eclipsed 60 yards rushing SEVEN times in 22 career games. Jamaal Charles has done that six times already this season.

Cecil Shorts is average at best, but he was a safer bet to do damage against the horrendous Chargers secondary than Kenbrell Thompkins against the Jets. Balls dropped the ball.

4. When worlds collide

The undefeated Assassins are taking everyone’s best shot. This week the surging Steelcats, winners of three in a row and leaders of the New York Division, will strap into their Proton Packs and get medieval all over the league leaders in points. Leading the assault is the deadly receiving duo of Wes Welker and Calvin Johnson, who draw the dreadful Redskins and enigmatic Cowboys, respectively. The Assassins will continue to lean on Charles and McCoy, as well as a voracious Chiefs defense facing the always generous Brandon Weeden Jason Campbell.

This one could get nasty. It’s a couple of Gulfman League vets going toe to toe in the squared circle. An age-old rivalry dating all the way back to 1998, when Y2K hysteria was heating up, Will Smith was “Gettin’ Jiggy With It,” and Bill Clinton was receiving blowies from tubby interns inside the oval office. Ahh, those were the days. I digress.

Jason Witten goes off and Steel City springs the upset. /NOOOOOO!!!!

3. Week 7 ballers, yo

Fred Jackson (Massacres) – Because C.J. Spiller has the durability of a light bulb, Jackson has once again taken the reins in Buffalo. His 14.5 points were key to the Massacres securing a victory.

Jacquizz Rodgers/Harry Douglas (Excuses) – They might be unheralded, but these fill-in Falcons combined for 39.1 points against Tampa. The win keeps the bottom-feeding Lame ones alive in the NY Division.

Eddie Lacy (Negotiators) – Finally, an Alabama running back who can actually play. Lacy has been punishing defenders for the last three weeks, and the schedule is about to get very enticing (Vikings, Bears, Eagles, Giants).

2. Then and now

Welcome to the buffet, we’ve got buns and wings!

2013 has seen several players reach new heights of awesomeness. Such as:

  • Philip Rivers is completing 73.9% of his throws. The highest percentage he’s ever reached is 66% in 2010.
  • Jamaal Charles has 8 touchdowns in seven games. That’s two more than he had in all of 2012 and the same number as 2009 and 2010. Who says Andy Reid doesn’t know how to use running backs as dual-threat weapons? Not Brian Westbrook.
  • Matt Forte has 6 touchdowns in seven games. That’s the same total as 2012 and one more than 2011. Marc Trestman’s CFL knowledge is Zen-like.
  • Danny Woodhead has 86 touches in seven games. He had 116 in 2012. Mike McCoy knows a useful tool when he sees one. Woodhead looks like the kid in shop class who always had cigarettes and was a master at crafting wall sconces.

  • Eric Decker has 624 yards receiving in seven games. He had 1064 yards in 16 games last year.
  • Antonio Brown has 47 catches in six games. He had 66 in 2012 and 69 in 2011.
  • Last year around this time, Julius Thomas was sitting on his couch playing ColecoVision. Now he’s averaging a touchdown every five catches. It should be mandated by Führer Goodell that every starting tight end be a former college basketball player.

1. Moronic Coaching 101

Forget fantasy for the briefest of moments (even though the following diatribe certainly pertains to the subject). If you watched the Monday Night debacle between the Vikings and Giants you were unfortunate enough to witness one of the truly terrible coaching jobs in recent memory. Leslie Frazier, who won’t be manning the Minnesota sidelines in 2014, decided the best way to beat the 0-6 Giants and their 31st ranked defense was to have Josh Freeman throw the ball 53 times.

The same Josh Freeman who was jettisoned from the horrid Bucs on October 3rd and signed four days later by the equally atrocious Vikings. The same Josh Freeman with a 45.7% completion percentage. The same Josh Freeman who had one quality season back in 2010. Obviously the Vikings know a thing or two about bust franchise quarterbacks since they had two on their roster prior to adding Freeman. Why not toss the new kid into the fire that is Monday Night Football? He can’t be that bad, right?

Wrong. He’s worse. Sure the Giants were crowding the box to ensure Adrian Peterson had little room to maneuver. But all it takes is a sliver of an opening for the best running back in football to take it the distance. It was a ten-point game entering the fourth quarter and yet Peterson was handed the ball 13 times. 13 TIMES to the guy who ran for, what was it? Oh yeah, 2097 yards in 2012. Frazier pretty much put wagon wheels on a Formula 1 car. I mean, fresh from the scrap heap Peyton Hillis ran for more yards than AP. That’s inexcusable and embarrassing. 

Congratulations, Leslie Frazier. You sir have no business calling yourself an NFL head coach. You sir have cemented your future firing, either in the coming weeks or after the 3-13 season is mercifully over. You sir will be coaching the Jaguars secondary in 2014. You sir forgot that football is a simple game made exceedingly complex by guys who think they are smarter than everyone else.

————–

Ma’a Salama, bitches. I leave you with this. 

hot-girl-31-96ebb694-sz481x720-animate

Excellent logo placement.

The Trigger Effect: Week 6 Fantasy Football Recap

triggerIt happened almost exactly one year ago. A still feeling his way back from reconstructive knee surgery Adrian Peterson ran roughshod over the Arizona Cardinals to the tune of 153 yards. What transpired in the following weeks was one of the greatest displays of domination ever by an NFL running back.

Seven consecutive 100-yard games and eight of nine overall amassed 1445 yards. When the proverbial smoke cleared, Peterson was 9 yards shy of the single-season rushing record held by Eric Dickerson. A mere nine months removed from suffering a shredded ACL and MCL, the man known as “All Day” made countless naysayers (myself included) look like ass eating dipshits.

What occurred on that October Sunday in the Metrodome to catapult a pedestrian season into the stuff of legend? Why did it suddenly click? Is there a reasonable medical explanation? Did A-Rod slip Peterson some magic juice? Nobody really knows, not even Adrian. It’s just one of those sports things.

Every fantasy football season is chock-full of vexing conundrums and unsolved mysteries that drive even the most crafty of owners bonkers. Take 2013 for instance.

Who knew Peyton Manning would throw for 7 touchdowns on opening night to trigger a potentially record-setting offense? Who knew six sacks and a pick-six versus Jacksonville on the first Sunday would trigger a punishing Chiefs defense? Who knew the Lions offense would trigger a Reggie Bush revolution? Who knew the opening half of the Chip Kelly era would trigger career seasons for both LeSean McCoy and DeSean Jackson?

https://i1.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mazrps3r7n1r49x5ro1_500.gif

Listen, we all volunteer to board the insane train every September, fully aware that the next 16 weeks will be frustrating, maddening, laughable, and at times just downright stupid. But it’s also a whole lotta fun. Remember that the next time Jimmy Graham and those of his ilk drop a liquid deuce all over your fake roster.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 6 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. Triage barrage

cobbAn injury bug the size of Gregor Samsa descended upon fields and stadiums this past weekend, leaving a swath of broken bodies in its wake. Yay broken bones and strained ligaments!

  • Randall Cobb – Out 6-8 weeks with a busted fibula.
  • Jimmy Graham – MRI on his foot. On a bye. Should be okay for Week 8.
  • James Jones – PCL sprain. Is considered “mild.” However, ex-Colt Anthony Gonzalez missed half a season a few years back with a similar ailment.
  • DeMarco Murray – Finally! Took you long enough Mr. Unreliable.
  • Cecil Shorts – Doesn’t Cecil Shorts sound like the name of a character in a Coen Bros. movie? Anyway, he has a bad shoulder.
  • David Wilson – Won’t need neck surgery. Still sucks.
  • Danny Amendola – Concussed. That makes two injuries in six weeks. Impressive even for him.
  • Matt Schaub – Got his ankle mangled. Was booed by Texans “fans.” Next stop, Jacksonville.

11. Tom Brady is better than you

tom-brady-sweaterAlright, Golden Boy is just trolling us all at this point. Dude fires his 178th (thereabouts)  game-winning last-second touchdown and then dons a sweater that wheelchair-confined  grandmothers in overflowing adult diapers wouldn’t be caught dead in sprawled across the nursing home floor. I’m a paisley ascot away from my hatred for Brady morphing into undying respect, and this saddens me greatly.

10. Rob Ryan Face wins the week

rob-ryanSee what you did to poor Rob Ryan, Golden Boy? You shattered his dreams with your late game heroics. Now he’s a shadow of his overrated self. What do you mean a soft Cover 4 zone isn’t the way to stop Tom Brady? That’s crazy talk.

9. This…

slapIs that a Yamaha YZ250F?

8. Fantasy vs. reality

Wanna know how little the quarterback position means in fantasy leagues that reward only three (didn’t it used to be four?) points for passing touchdowns and don’t penalize for picks? That guy up there is ranked 11th in scoring. Yeah, Sam Bradford. Doesn’t exactly conjure images of Montana or Unitas. That said, ol’ Sammy has tossed 13 touchdowns to only three interceptions and has accumulated more points than Tom Brady, Colin Kaepernick, and Big Ben (the quarterback, not the clock tower). Oh sure, having Peyton or Brees would be super terrific, but you can survive with guys like Thad Lewis, Mike Glennon, and Nick Foles if necessary (see Week 6 leaders for proof).

7. 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 (Wes Welker)

brady-hanging

Nobody leaves Tom Brady hanging!

The Patriots just beat the previously unblemished Saints to move to 5-1. All is well in the land of chowder. Right? Maybe not. The offense ranks 22nd in scoring, which is subpar in the age of air superiority. The three gents pegged to “replace” Wes Welker — Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, and Austin Collie — have combined to catch 59 balls for 594 yards and two touchdowns. On the surface, not terrible. Especially if you ignore Amendola’s encyclopedia-sized medical history and the fact that Collie is one headshot away from forced retirement. Hey, what’s that Welker guy up to? Not much, just leading the league with eight touchdowns. Bah, who needs that kind of production? After all, Gronk is coming back, umm, is it this week? Next week? 2014? Anyone? 

6. Stud’s stat sheet

  • Jay Cutler has topped 260 yards four times in six starts. He topped 260 yards three times in all of 2012.
  • Eli Manning and Carson Palmer have combined to throw 26 interceptions. Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor have combined to throw 15 interceptions.
  • Knowshon Moreno has scored seven times in six games. He scored five times in 2011 and 2012.
  • LeSean McCoy has 630 yards rushing in six starts. He had 840 yards rushing in 12 starts a season ago.
  • Justin Blackmon and Keenan Allen have totaled 34 receptions for 548 yards and three scores in the last two weeks. Victor Cruz and Andre Johnson have totaled 19 receptions for 243 yards and zero scores in the last two weeks.
  • Joseph Fauria and Lance Kendricks have eight touchdowns on 23 catches. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen have three touchdowns on 59 catches.

5. Take cover

Congratulations, Gulfman Legaue owners! No one made an egregious lineup error that cost them a would-be win. HOO-RAY! I could’ve been a prick and chastised the WTalkers for sitting Michael Floyd, or the Balls for rolling with Cecil Shorts rather than Kenbrell Thompkins, but that would asinine. Keep up the quality decision-making. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy this segment (as much as I should).

4. Unstoppable force meets immovable object

hulk-supeFitting that the halfway point of the 2013 fantasy season features the much anticipated faceoff between the Gulfman League’s two highest-scoring teams: 6-0 Assassins at 4-2 Talkers. Oooooh this one should be a doozy!

Vick fill-in Nick Foles lit up the Bucs in Week 6 and has another tasty matchup against a depleted Dallas defense Sunday at the Linc. Dez Bryant will assuredly eviscerate the Eagles creampuff secondary, but Arian Foster draws a stout Chiefs D, and the venerable Jimmy Graham is on a bye.

The Assassins will once again ride the vaunted backfield duo of Jamaal Charles and Shady McCoy, who rank 1 and 2 in RB scoring. In addition, Victor Cruz looks to shake off two down weeks against the very forgiving Vikings. Will rookie sensation and recent free agent hire Keenan Allen get his first start? Stay tuned.

Tough one to call. Assassins can’t win ’em all (BOOO!!). Blabber Mouths by 8.

3. Week 6 ballers, yo

justin-blackmonA.J. Green (Armpits) – Welcome back to fantasy relevance, Mr. Green. After four straight sub 100-yard efforts, the Bengals beast came up huge with 103 yards and a trip-six.

Stevan Ridley (Steelcats) – Welcome back to fantasy relevance, Mr. Ridley. Scored his first two touchdowns of the year and rolled up 96 yards in helping the ‘Cats win their second straight and move into a three-way tie for first in the New York Division.

Justin Blackmon (Copperpots) – 14 grabs for 190. Dude is a monster, even with the horribly ineffective Chad Henne under center.

2. Bucs fans never disappoint (unlike their team)

tebow-tampamrsaBible-beating quarterbacks and staph infections go together likes peas and carrots.

1. Rain fire on them

rain-fire

Matt Ryan – Life without Julio Jones and a healthy Roddy White isn’t going to be pleasant.

Rashard Mendenhall – When the fuck will Bruce Arians admit this clown is useless and hand the job to Andre Ellington?

Trent Richardson – 35-year-old Edgerrin James can hit a hole quicker than this stiff.

Marques Colston – 2.7 points in his last two games. Hasn’t scored a TD since Week 1. Has zero 100-yard games. Punt.

Dwayne Bowe – Alex Smith = wide receiver poison.

—————-

Auf weidersein, bitches. I leave you with this.

https://i0.wp.com/chicago.barstoolsports.com/files/2013/10/girls-bottoms-9-12-0250-e49ea40a-sz499x721-animate.jpg

I’ll be back..

Expect the Expected: Week 5 Fantasy Football Recap

reallyWho saw this coming? The more things stay the same, the more they, well, stay the same. At least in the world of pro football, and for our purposes here at Stud Running Back, Fantasy Football. As if etched in stone by the fantasy gods themselves, the following commandments were written in Week 5.

1) Mike Vick suffered his annual injury.

2) Tony Romo threw a catastrophic interception that led to a Cowboys defeat.

3) Ryan Mathews exited with a concussion after three carries.

4) The Detroit Lions discovered life without Calvin Johnson is dark and foreboding.

5) Matt Schaub did this…

week5… again.

6) Brandon Jacobs did this…

jacobs… again.

7) Like of a plague of starving gnats, a reeking of awfulness Blaine Gabbert swarmed upon the Edward Jones Dome on Sunday, firing a pair of ghastly interceptions before mercifully leaving with a shredded hamstring.

8) Eli Manning did this…

eli-derp… again.

9) Peyton Manning did this…

pey-pey… and discovered one more way to thoroughly embarrass a professional defense.

10) The great and powerful Levine Toilolo, not Julio Jones, Roddy White or Tony Gonzalez, scored a touchdown on Monday night. And fantasy owners rejoiced.

What time is it? Time to pop open your Week 5 fantasy recap 12-pack. Oh, yeah!

12. The evolution of Eli Face

eli-face2eli-sad12 picks. 2 lost fumbles. In five games. Owns two Super Bowl rings. The scientific community remains baffled.

11. Deal of the century, or something

A blockbuster mid-season trade in Gulfman League? Unheard of! Sensing an impending collapse, the Bourbon Balls fired their drunken GM, who was recently caught in a compromising position at a rest stop off I-75, and made the unilateral decision to flush away half of their woefully underachieving roster. Looking to bolster their already scintillating squad, the Talkers eagerly opened wide and allowed the Balls to dip into their gaping pool of talent. When the coupling concluded, a five-for-five swap was agreed upon.

Forget about the trash, and there’s a lot of it stinking up this transaction. This trade basically boils down to Dez Bryant for Reggie Bush. By my calculation, the Balls got shaved in this one. Thanks for making the league’s highest-scoring team even better. Dick.

10. Falcons jest

Things for the 1-4 Falcons aren’t about to get any easier. They don’t face a defense ranked outside the Top 10 until Week 13 at Buffalo. Julio Jones is likely doneski for 2013. Roddy White now has a tight hamstring to go along with his slow-healing high ankle sprain. Nobody knows when the hell Steven Jackson is coming back or how effective he’ll be when he does. Downgrade the entire offense. RIP Dirty Birds. Tony G shoulda stayed gone. At least the Thrashers look good… oh, never mind.

9. This…

Halloween is coming up. Think I’ll go as the Big Bad Wolf.

8. All-Dollar Menu Team

Mmm, McChicken.

Like my Uncle Pete used to say before he was hauled off to the pokey for running Ponzi schemes, fantasy titles are won and lost in the middle to late rounds. These fellas were drafted well below their current ranking, so pat yourselves on the back, fantasy fortune tellers.

Mike Vick (9th round, Talkers) – We all knew the gravy train would derail at some point. Congrats to those of you who had Week 5 in the Vick Injury Pool.

Jay Cutler (13th round, Bourbon Balls) – All Cutty needed was a brilliant CFL mind to resurrect his downward spiral career. If only the Bucs had hired John Hufnagel instead of Greg Schiano, Josh Freeman would be sitting pretty.

Jamaal Charles (2nd round, Assassins) – Leads all running backs in scoring. Let me repeat my sentiments from back in August: How the fuck does this guy slip to 15th overall?

Knowshon Moreno (Undrafted) – Dude was a sliver away from being cut in the offseason. Now he’s the number six runner. Gotta love Merica, land of second chances.

Fred Jackson (13th round, Massacres) – He’ll eventually break a bone or tear a ligament, but at present Mr. Jackson is outscoring C.J. Spiller by nearly 30 points.

DeSean Jackson (6th round, Massacres) – I passed on him twice because every year I’ve owned him he plays like a rotting corpse. Damn you Chip Kelly for knowing how to properly use a speed receiver!

Alshon Jeffery (8th round, Armpits) – Steal of the draft, lady and gents. Has more scratch than Marshall, Megatron, and A.J.

Jordan Cameron and Julius Thomas (Undrafted) – Only the venerable Jimmy Graham is better than this dynamic duo. By the by, Graham has 17 more points than number one wideout Dez Bryant.

7. Tom Brady is better than you

brady-dressSweet baby Jesus, what in holy Hades has gotten into Golden Boy? His haircut is straight outta MTV’s Buckwild, but his wardrobe belongs to an English Lit professor from a small northeastern Liberal Arts college. I’d like to believe this is Gisele’s handiwork, but considering Tommy is the face of Uggs for Men, it’s obvious he’s wholly responsible for his escalating douchiness.

6. Injury reports are for pussies

https://i0.wp.com/a.espncdn.com/photo/2013/1006/nfl_u_johnson_gb1_576x324.jpg

The Steelcats dropped the Massacres despite starting not one, but TWO players who didn’t even suit up. Stevan Ridley and Calvin Johnson looked awesome standing on the sidelines. Whatever. Who needs those clowns when Tony Romo is raining 500 yards and 5 touchdowns on Denver?

5. Take cover

no-u-didntMake a lineup blunder that defies explanation and causes you (or me) to lose and I will mock you (or me) unmercifully. Don’t like it? Tough turkey.

The Massacres decided to step into the quagmire known as the Patriots backfield, which of course ended badly. Brandon Boldin netted 6.4 points. Fred Jackson’s 21.3 points on Thursday night would’ve been helpful.

The Negotiators dusted off Doug Baldwin — who apparently plays for Seattle — and sat T.Y. Hilton. With Richard Sherman shadowing Reggie Wayne, Hilton eviscerated the rest of the ‘Hawks secondary for 140 yards and two scores. Doug Baldwin totaled 80 yards, which is respectable for Doug Baldwin because Doug Baldwin sucks.

The Pots could’ve started either Justin Blackmon or Denarius Moore and won. Instead, they rolled with Tavon Austin and lost.

oprahHakeem Nicks is human garbage, but sitting him against the worst secondary in football is inexcusable. Let me reiterate my advice from Week 2: START ALL RECEIVERS WHO PLAY THE EAGLES. The Petes should know better.

4. Let’s point and laugh at the Jaguars

http://sinfl.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/jacksonville-jaguars-nfl-training-camp-2013-blaine-gabbert.jpg?w=600&h=425

The following players have scored as many or more touchdowns than the Jaguars: Jamaal Charles, Adrian Peterson, Knowshon Moreno, Wes Welker, Dez Bryant, Eddie Royal, Jimmy Graham, Julius Thomas, and Jordan Cameron.

The offense is averaging 2.04 points per game.

They are 28-point underdogs to Denver on Sunday. That’s the largest spread in NFL history.

3. Week 5 ballers, yo

romo

Nobody saw that interception, right?

Tony Romo (Steelcats) – Before Tony Romo did what Tony Romo was born to do (i.e. monumentally fuck up), Romo was killing it. If the ‘Cats roll with Brady, they are 2-3 not 3-2.

Terrance Williams (Monkeys) – Sticking with the Cowboys theme, the Monkeys plucked another gem from the scrap heap in Williams, who racked 151 yards and a trip-six. That’s Gulfman approved.

Alshon Jeffery (Armpits) – The velvet fog could’ve started Andre Johnson, but gave the nod to Alshon.

good-call2. Big bro > little bro

wedgie

This seems fitting right about now.

1. It might be time to panic

https://i1.wp.com/www.rantsports.com/nfl/wp-content/slideshow/2013/09/2013-nfl-pick-em-week-5/medium/Colin-Kaepernick16.jpg

Colin Kaepernick – Since Week 1, Kaep has yet to top 15.4 points. His receivers blow and he’s not running very much. Geno Smith has netted 20 more points. Look elsewhere.

David Wilson – Pus has more value.

Maurice Jones-Drew – Pray he gets traded to New England or New Orleans.

Larry Fitzgerald – Up next, Niners and Seahawks. Hoo-boy!

All Rams not named Austin Pettis – Brian Schottenheimer has zero understanding of 21st century offensive football.

Eddie Royal – It was fun while it lasted. Get thee to a bench.

———————

再見/再见, bitches. I leave you with this.

workout

Don’t act like you’re not impressed.