All posts by Scott

Michael Bay Reviews Week 3 of Fantasy Football

Before I introduce this week’s guest recapper, I feel compelled to type a few words about this pile of horseshit that Pro Football Focus masks as analysis.  Normally I wouldn’t call attention to such blatant clickbait, but it really does deserve a read, if for no other reason than to open your eyes to the ridiculous drivel Pro Football Focus refers to as “advanced stats”.

In a nutshell, Aaron Rodgers’ 24-35/333 yards/5 touchdown effort against the Chiefs on Monday Night Football was “graded” as average to below average by the P.T. Barnum algorithms and formulas PFF claims are a more accurate method to critique a player’s performance. The article is equal parts head-scratching and LOL funny. But the last paragraph is worth dissecting.

The greatness of Rodgers’ performance last night was in the intangibles. Recognizing the blitz, drawing the defense offsides, catching the Chiefs in bad situations and exploiting those scenarios with simple passes to open receivers. But you cannot — and we do not try to — quantify intangibles, or what comes pre-snap. Our system grades what can be graded — the execution of the play post-snap — and in that regard Rodgers did not stand out in the same way that his statistics did.

So, because Rodgers actually did the things he gets paid handsomely to do, he is covered in red ink? Ya know, things like diagnosing the blitz, reading the defense, drawing penalties, converting “simple” throws into touchdowns, and generally running the offense the way  it’s supposed to be run. Ya know, the kind of things guys like Eli Manning, Cam Newton, Sam Bradford, Andy Dalton, Jay Cutler, Colin Kaepernick, Andrew Luck (yeah, him too), and countless other quarterbacks struggle with every single Sunday.

The writer made a point of saying he and his brethren didn’t think Rodgers played a poor game, but that’s like spending ten minutes trashing a girl’s physical appearance, then tacking on the disclaimer, “I’d still bang her, though.”

Sure, Rodgers has been better than he was on Monday night, and yeah, he tossed a couple of errant passes. But slapping him with a negative grade because a ball “should’ve” been intercepted is much sillier than all us philistines believing a 5-touchdown game is, ya know, pretty fucking awesome.

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My guest recapper this week is iconic movie director Michael Bay. I met Michael a few years ago in the Hollywood Hills where I was totally not hiding in the trees snapping pictures of Megan Fox with a telephoto lens. Bay gave me a lift downtown and we hit if off. He used a bunch of the notes I offered on Transformers: Age of Extinction, so he’s obviously a sharp dude. Take it away, Mike (only I call him Mike).

Bad Boys

bad-boysFantasy owners who started Jamaal Charles and Randall Cobb were treated to six, count ’em six, touchdowns on Monday night. They tore shit up, which is exactly what Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are gonna do in Bad Boys III and Bad Boys IV, if I decide to lend my talent to the projects. However, I’m seriously considering kicking major ass on Broadway with a stage rendition of Transformers.

The Rock

Like my massive blockbuster of the same name, Julio Jones has been an unstoppable force. 34 catches for 440 yards and four touchdowns in three games, and he isn’t even 100%. If Julio keeps it up, he’s definitely getting an invite to my next exclusive yacht party, “Ballers Only.”

Armageddon

I’m a big fan of high body counts in my movies, so the widespread injuries inflicted throughout the league bring a smile to my face. The more shredded ligaments and shattered limbs, the better. All this season needs is a slow-motion pan of the of all the players on IR standing in front of an American flag with some lens flare throw in for effect. That’s not just epic. That’s Michael Bay EPIC!

Pearl Harbor

Just like the Japs did in WW II, the Arizona Cardinals have launched a textbook sneak attack of mass destruction. They’ve outscored their first three opponents 126-49. No team has scored more, and only the Jets have allowed fewer points. Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald are dropping some serious bombs. I’m not talking box office bombs, either. I wouldn’t know what one of those is, cuz I’m rich, bitch!

Bad Boys II

The Panthers’ dynamic duo of Cam Newton and Greg Olsen combined for 482 yards and five touchdowns against the awful Saints. I enjoy crushing at DFS and the stack of Newton-Olsen helped score me $200 this past weekend. If I tipped, that would make great tip money. Instead, I’ll probably use it to light my Cuban cigars.

The Island

matthewsJordan Matthews has 22 catches for 231 yards and one touchdown. He is the only non running back to score a touchdown for the Eagles. The rest of the team’s wide receivers have a total of 13 receptions for 122 yards. Matthews reminds me of myself. On my movie sets, I’m constantly yelling at people to work harder and be smarter. I tell ya, being an artistic master can be lonely sometimes.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Tom Brady’s season-long middle finger to the NFL is off to a rousing start. 1112 yards and 9 touchdowns in three games? That’s Bay-like success. His recent troubles with the league office Reminds me of my longstanding relationship with douchebag film critics. Pencil-necked fuckers love to cast aspersions on my movies, but the billions of dollars grossed at the box office speaks for itself. Tom Brady owns. Not on the same level as I own, but he owns nonetheless.

Pain and Gain

Da Raiders have gone through a decade of all-around futility. Botched draft picks, piss-poor coaching hires, and idiotic free agent signings turned them into the most embarrassing NFL franchise by a wide margin. But, the trio of Derek Carr, Latavius Murray, and Amari Cooper are bringing back prestige to the Silver and Black. Even Vegas is taking notice, because  Oakland is favored by 3 points in Week 4 ON THE ROAD. I used to direct shitty music videos before I became one of the most respected and lauded auteurs in the history of film, so I know pain.

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Thanks Mike. What a great guy. Can’t wait to see Transformers 5. I’ll be back next week with another guest recapper.

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Chip Kelly Reviews Week 2 of Fantasy Football

Eagles Redskins FootballBefore I introduce our special guest reviewer for Week 2 of the 2015 Fantasy Football season, I have an important public service announcement to share.

Behold! An endless sea of Golden Boys. This must be what heaven looks like. But I digress.

My guest fantasy recapper this week is Chip Kelly. I first met Chip Kelly early in 2013 while attending a benefit at Chip Kelly’s house, organized by Chip Kelly, honoring Chip Kelly, with all the proceeds going to Chip Kelly. Chip enjoys talking about himself a lot but according to him, he’s supersmart, incredibly inventive, and never wrong. Anyone brimming with that much confidence is someone I want to call a friend. Take it away, Chip.

Injuries? Big Deal

It’s football. Guys get hurt. I don’t get why people are up in arms over Romo, Brees, Cutler, and Stafford missing games. I turned Mark Sanchez into the franchise record-holder in completion percentage last year. Mark Sanchez! It you have a brilliant mind as I do, losing a starting quarterback is inconsequential.

Odell Beckham Jr? I called that

I told the world Odell Beckham Jr. was the best player in the 2014 Draft. If it wasn’t for that pipsqueak Howie Roseman, I would’ve traded LeSean McCoy, Jeremy Maclin, and the rights to Jeff Lurie’s private box to land Beckham. But noooooo, Howie had to take the walking talking railroad tie Marcus Smith. Idiot!

Let the record show

foles-stinksFoles is completing 59.3% of his passes and has lost two fumbles. Maclin has 9 catches for 109 yards with zero touchdowns. LeSean is averaging 65 yards rushing per game and hasn’t scored. It’s obvious I knew what I was doing when I kicked these clowns to the curb. Anyone who disagrees is a hater, plain and simple.

BTW, look who’s still healthy!

A twice-torn ACL? Yawn. When I was perfecting my genius in the early 2000s at football powerhouse New Hampshire, I tore an ACL showing my players how to execute a proper jumping jack. Docs told me I needed surgery, but I called bullshit. Instead, I grabbed my blender, whipped up a kale and guava smoothie, and doused my supposedly crippled knee. Two days later I was running the stairs at Cowell Stadium. Sports science, bitches!

The Ravens Defense deserves negative points

I hear some people are whining because the Ravens D finished with negative fantasy points. Boo-hoo. Do these bellyachers realize Baltimore let the Oakland “LOL” Raiders rack up 37 points and 448 yards? Not only does the Ravens D deserve negative points,  they should be forced to swim the English Channel in January wearing nothing but tighty-whities. I mean, under my tutelage in 2013, Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 touchdown passes against Oakland. The same Nick Foles I shrewdly traded away to the Rams for the Mr. Glass of Quarterbacks, Sam Bradford. Do I really need to explain this further?

Let’s talk some more about me

I feel like this recap is straying a bit too far from me and my giant brain. Therefore, allow me to steer this bus down the road that leads back to me. A few years ago while teaching a clinic on how I masterminded the greatest offense in the history of football, a small lad raised his frail little arm and queried me the following: “Chip, how did you get to be so awesome?”

After chiding the boy for not calling me Mr. Kelly, I thought long and hard about how to properly answer a question I’d heard thousands upon thousands of times. Based on his shoddy diction and prehistoric manners, I discerned this dimwitted tyke would amount to nothing in life, but I felt obliged to reward the daft urchin a pearl of wisdom that might shine a glimmer of hope on his sad, pathetic future. I answered thusly:

The only one responsible for my awesomeness is me.

The auditorium became ensconced in contemplative silence. Even though none of the faces in the crowd would dare to dream of reaching my greatness, they were nevertheless in awe of being allowed to breathe the same air that greatness breathes.

[Ed. Note: I’m have no idea what this has to do with football]

LOL Seattle and Indy

What kind of Super Bowl contenders begin the season 0-2? More like “pretenders”, amirite?

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams failed to score above 60 points? If I wasn’t preoccupied dominating the NFL, I’d show these buffoons how to properly build a championship roster. Hint: offensive lines are way overrated.

Rookie RBs FTW

If anyone knows a thing or two about running the football, it’s me. Don’t let the numbers fool ya, my rush offense is the best, not worst, in the league. At any rate, rookie backs David Johnson, Matt Jones, Tevin Coleman, and Jeremy Langford all found the end zone in Week 2. Don’t make me trade for all four, cuz I’ll do it.

 And the Week 2 MVP is…

CHIP  KELLY! I’d like to congratulate myself on the win. In case you were wondering, DeMarco Murray was a distant second.

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Gotta love Chip Kelly. The man is unflappable. I’ll return next week with another special guest recapper.

Internet Troll Reviews Week 1 of Fantasy Football

A brand new shiny football season is upon us. Praise the fossilized bones of 5000-year-old dinosaurs! Gone are those long summer days spent lounging on the porch,  glass of lemonade in hand, pontificating about Mike Trout’s WAR and Jordan Spieth’s disintegrating hairline.

Instead, we now look ahead to 16 maddening  weeks of overreaction and overanalysis about all things pro football. Every dipshit with a keyboard or microphone will be sprouting a stiffy at the prospect of heaping praise and/or guttural criticism on every NFL narrative, no matter how big or small, until a Super Bowl 50 champion is crowned next February.

I am proudly one of those dipshits. However, I can barely keep up with my grueling one-or-two-posts-per-week schedule here at Stud Running Back, so I’ve enlisted help from some of my friends. For the next three months a special guest will be tasked to recap the previous week of fantasy football drama, while I bask in the jet set lifestyle of a part-time football blogger.

Up first is an old buddy of mine, Internet Troll. I first met Internet Troll sometime around 2007 and we’ve been tight ever since. He’s an illogical douchebag with no sense of humor and a nauseating holier than thou attitude, but he means well. Take it away, pal  o’ mine.

LOL Adrian Peterson Owners!

10 carries for 31 yards. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it. When you draft a convicted child abuser and piece of human garbage like Adrian Peterson you get what you deserve. I hope your shitty little fantasy football team drowns in a sewer of rotting rats, which is exactly where Peterson should be right now.

[Ed. Note: Internet Troll can be a tad harsh]

Only Morons Draft Quarterbacks Early

Andrew Luck sucked giant purple dildos. Aaron Rodgers didn’t even throw for 200 yards. Russell Wilson was sacked six times. Peyton Manning looked like a walking corpse. HA-HA! My 5-year-old niece knows taking quarterbacks early is fucking stupid. I got Philip Rivers in the 11th round because I actually have half a brain.

If Chip Kelly Was Such a Genius…

kiko

… He would move linebacker Kiko Alonso to wide receiver.

More like Kentucky Derp Horses

If Kentucky Glue Factory didn’t leave Kendall Wright’s 16.10 points on the bench, they would’ve won. LMAO!! I started Wright and crushed. #smarterthanyou

JUST DIE ALREADY!

Because Fucktard #1 and Fucktard #2 don’t know how to milk a lead with less than two minutes to play, I lost by 2 points to the guy with Jason Witten. I hope Eli Manning is ravaged by a swarm of Japanese giant hornets then catapulted into a lake of battery acid, and Tom Coughlin chokes to death on a bucket of rhinoceros dicks.

[Ed. Note: Can’t say I disagree]

Gulfman League Amateur Hour

Three teams scored less than 70 points. I could draft better teams in a coma. NEWWWBBBSSS!!

TOLDJA!

I stole Julio Jones number five overall in my draft. He was the number one ranked player on my board. It was obvious he was going to blow up this season. 141 yards and two touchdowns. Get used to it. I’ll be laughing all the way to a championship, nerds!

Fantasy Football Is For Losers

I can’t believe anyone plays fantasy football. It’s just so pointless. I would rather read a good book or enroll in a pilates class. Fulfilling the mind, body, and spirit is a much more productive way to spend one’s time. Besides, participating in fantasy football supports the NFL — a corrupt institution owned and operated by rich white men who care more about profit margins than the young men sacrificing their health for a minuscule chance at ephemeral glory. As far as I’m concerned, fantasy football is a childish game played by small-minded people.

[Ed. Note: Ouch]

Hell Yeah CUZ FOOTBALL!

Feel Sorry For Me

I drafted Dez Bryant. And TY Hilton. And DeSean Jackson. And Andre Ellington. And Reggie Bush. Why do bad things keep happening to me? I’m such a good person. #lifeishard

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Well, that went, uh, okay? Anyway, see ya next week with another special guest recapper.

Our Long National Nightmare is Finally Over

nightmare-overTom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Tom Brady is free! Hallelujah! The prospect of not having Golden Boy on the field for four long weeks was frightening, nay, horrifying. There is no way I could realistically fulfill my duties as a sarcastic football blogger with the NFL’s matinee idol suspended. Thanks to Judge Richard M. Berman, I won’t have to. I’m of the belief that this landmark court decision should make Judge Berman eligible for induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, or at the very least canonized for sainthood.

NFL Preseason Week 3 in GIF Form

preseason

I think we can all agree that the NFL Preseason is a complete waste of time filled with laughable overreactions and devastating injuries. However, I’m equally convinced that everyone loves a good NFL GIF. Me, you, that creepy guy at work who stares blankly at the wall while eating a tuna fish sandwich, cannibals of New Guinea, everybody!

Here are a few GIFs from Week 3 of the Preseason to satisfy your hunger.

wk3-odellODB up to his old tricks. Too bad he was out-of-bounds.

wk3-smittySmitty taking a bow after being ejected for a summer scuffle. He will be greatly missed in 2016.

wk3-samEnjoy Sam Bradford’s textbook touchdown tosses while he’s still in one piece.

wk3-kirkQuick reminder to Redskins fans: When Kirk Cousins wasn’t completing 20-27 passes, he was doing this.

wk3-vickConvicted felon to soon-to-be suspended wide receiver. It’s gonna be a fun season in the Burgh.

Dwayne Bowe Continues to Troll Browns Fans

dwayne-bowe-brownsDwayne Bowe, who allegedly plays for the Cleveland Browns even though he hasn’t seen the practice field since August 5th, is a confident man. The Browns offense has looked abysmal thus far in the preseason, and “Top 5 Quarterback” Josh McCown’s two interceptions against Buffalo last Thursday night didn’t do much to ease fans’ concerns.

However, none of this bothers Bowe in the least. In a recent interview with the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Bowe uttered the following gem:

When Week 1 comes around, we’re going to show a lot of doubters how a high-powered offense really moves.”

Something tells me the likes of Brian Hartline, Andrew Hawkins, and Gary Barnidge aren’t instilling fear in defensive coordinators. Quick reminder: Bowe scored zero touchdowns last season and has 13 total scores since 2011. Probably not the best guy to be speaking about “high-powered” offenses.

Preseason Casualties

casualties-augustThe joy we all feel when the NFL returns every summer is bittersweet. The thrill of seeing our favorite team take to the field to begin its quest for glory is overshadowed by an impending sense of doom. A doom that comes in the form of injuries. Cracked bones, ripped ligaments, strained muscles, and bashed craniums are an inevitable and ghastly truth in football. The list of players to be sidelined for some or all of the 2015 season thus far includes:

  • Arian Foster
  • Shaun Suisham
  • Geno Smith (LOL)
  • Niles Paul
  • Kevin White
  • Phil Loadholt
  • E.J. Gaines
  • Demar Dotson
  • Louis Delmas
  • Kelvin Benjamin
  • Corey Peters
  • Mike Iupati
  • Adam Hayward

Then there are guys like Zach Ertz, LeSean McCoy, and Robert Griffin III who might be back for Week 1, or not. In the case of RG III, well, he had a rough night on Thursday against the Lions.

https://i1.wp.com/bloggingthebeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/RGIII-3.gif

Did head coach (???) Jay Gruden pull his “starting” quarterback after the poor bastard absorbed these brutal shots? Of course not. Instead, he left Griffin out there to suffer a concussion and dinged shoulder. Well done, Jay Gruden.

Fourth-String Quarterback Scores Touchdown… World Rejoices

Okay, now I know why the NFL scheduled Colts-Eagles for a 1pm Sunday kickoff in Week 1 of the preseason. With apologies to the PGA Championship, there is zero competition for headlines. Which set the stage for Quarterback Jesus to deliver a sermon certain to captivate football writers from across the land.

tebow-1tebow-2tebow-3Don’t go changin’ NFL Network, CBS Sports, and ESPN!

Classic Trent Richardson

classic-trichPreseason NFL football is back! And so is human cinder block Trent Richardson. Now a member of the Oakland Raiders (LMAO), T-Rich’s sterling vision was on full display during Friday night’s game against the Rams. Notice how he shrewdly ignores the wide open path to the end zone and instead elects to power the ball into a wall of 300-pound men for a gritty one-yard gain. That shows toughness. If Richardson doesn’t embody all the Oakland Raiders represent, I don’t know who does.

Gulfman League Championship Preview

championshipThe 2014 Gulfman League fantasy football season is nearly complete. One matchup remains to decide who will strap on the long, gerthy title belt and spend the next nine months pumping and thrusting in frenzied celebration. That’s right bros and broette, it’s time to get it on one last time.

In one corner we have the Skinny Petes, fresh off their stunning upset of the top-seeded Character Assassins. Now that Heisenberg and his evil blue meth are off the streets, The Petes are clean and sober and ready to seize fake football’s grandest prize. To do so, they’ll need Andrew Luck and Jordy Nelson to rebound after subpar efforts in the semifinals. Andre Johnson will be back from injury, but the venerable Case Keenum will be the one attempting to complete passes to him. Keenum wasn’t good enough to crack the Rams quarterback rotation, sooooooo good luck with that.

In the other corner we have the Weiner Dogs, the used to be old kids on the block turned new kids on the block after a decade long absence. The Dogs own the two hottest properties in fantasy: Le’Veon Bell and Odell Beckham Jr. This studly duo combined for 56.2 points a week ago, which proved crucial to staving off a furious Monday night rally by the No. 2 seed Blind Monkeys.

It’s #3 versus #4. It’s elongated K9 versus reformed drug dealer/addict. It’s ex-Colts legendary quarterback versus current Colts legendary quarterback. It’s ex-Patriots legendary kicker versus current Patriots legendary kicker. It’s Beast Mode versus ODB. It’s No. 16 on the all-time receptions list versus No. 19 on the all-time receptions list. It’s the Guardians of Peace versus Sony.

It’s quite possible this one comes down to Monday night, with Peyton Manning and his balky thigh leading the Broncos into Cincinnati for a huge AFC showdown. Pey-Pey hasn’t scored over 15 points since Week 12, and the Bengals have a solid pass defense. I don’t like Lynch against the Cardinals run defense, especially nursing a bad back. I do like Jordy Nelson to blow up on the road in Tampa. Difference-maker here will be Tre Mason smashing the pathetic Giants rush D.

And the winner is…

Dogs 102, Petes 89

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On a side note, I’d like to reveal in GIF form how I felt last Sunday after benching Jeremy Hill:

garfield_faceplantEpic DERP.