The fantasy football streets have been coated in blood, doused with gasoline, set ablaze with flamethrowers, carpet bombed, and flooded with tidal waves. As the season torturously creeps along, the number of lingering and/or catastrophic injuries continues to mount. No position has escaped unscathed.

Those fake squads fortunate enough to avoid total annihilation thus far are teetering on a razor thin tightrope strung across a muddy pit of starving Nile crocodiles. Whomever makes it to the other side can breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice, while listening to the guttural screams of the fallen as bones are snapped and limbs ripped to pieces.

It’s been brutal and unforgiving carnage. A nightmare to end all nightmares. A cataclysm so devastating that civilization as we know it hangs in the balance. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The Reaper approaches. Not even a 1000 bottles of baby oil can save us.

Sorry, that got dark. Hey, I was without internet for 2 weeks, cut me some slack. I’ll do better. On with the mildly amusing dick and fart jokes.

Tommy Boy Team of the Week: Indiana SixPence

Down goes Je Ne Saquon! The SixPence shocked the world by knocking off the league’s last unbeaten team. The backfield trio of Bijan, Mixon, and Dobbins combined for over 70 points to seal the victory, despite Dak Prescott’s laughably pathetic 7-point bed shitting performance. General Manager/Head Coach Mark Lericos was proud of his team’s effort, and was quick to defend his starting quarterback. “Dak is our leader. He’ll bounce back. I’m confident he won’t lead us to the playoffs and then monumentally choke,” Lericos said.

Kind of A Big Deal Player of the Week: Chris Godwin

11 catches, 125 yards, 2 TDs. Kneel before the one true God of slot receivers. For he is eternal. For he is the savior. Hallelujah.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Caleb Williams

282 total yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT. Sure, it was against the Jaguars, but the latest “generational quarterback talent” finally scraped the dog shit off the bottom of his cleats and played like a champion on Sunday.

Goober of the Week: Nick Sirianni

Sirianni has long drawn the ire of opposing fanbases due to his buffoonish sideline antics. Constant pandering and unearned arrogance has resulted in him becoming the league’s most hated head coach. Eagles fans tolerated his behavior in 2022 and the first half of 2023 because, ya know, the team was winning.

However, that all changed after the Eagles infamous collapse late last season when it became abundantly clear that Sirianni had no idea what the fuck he was doing. A simplistic high school-level playbook and a stunning lack of self-awareness left an indelible mark on his relationship with Jalen Hurts, and nearly cost him his job.

Flash forward to this season and, well, things have seemingly gotten worse. The hiring of Offensive Coordinator Kellen Moore and Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio was supposed to cure all of the Eagles ills. Instead, the disease of dissent has spread. A series of botched clock-management decisions, head-scratching 4th-down calls, and infantile interactions with angry Eagles fans has left Sirianni in the crosshairs of pretty much everyone.

After barely defeating the hapless Browns 20-16 on Sunday, Sirianni proceeded to spend his post-game presser taking credit for his incompetence, even admitting that he, not Fangio, made a defensive call during the game. Da faq? This birthday party clown is clearly overcompensating for the fact that he brings no discernible value to the team.

Nick Sirianni is going to get fired. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

LOL Image of the Week

Those stats seem less than ideal. Also less than ideal is Dallas being outscored 167-85 in their last four home games.

Let’s look in on Cowboys fans:

Trade Alert: Davante Adams is a New York Jet

Last Tuesday, Aaron Rodgers fired Robert Saleh. This Tuesday, Rodgers traded for Davante Adams. I’m sure everything will be fine now for the 2-4 Jets. It’s not as if they are a dysfunctional franchise that last appeared in the playoffs 13 years ago.

Here’s a live look at Davante Adams going from the Raiders to the Jets:

Trade Alert Part Deux: Amari Cooper is a Buffalo Bill

Going from Deshaun Watson to Josh Allen is like swapping a Toyota Corolla for a Bugatti Chiron.

Here’s a live look at Amari Cooper:

The Oh the Humanity Injury Report

Before I get to the soul-crushing portion of the report, some good news. Joe Mixon, AJ Brown, DeVonta Smith, Evan Engram, Romeo Doubs, and Christian Watson returned to action and all six crushed the box score. Well done, gents.

And now the sad violin:

Anthony Richardson – Week-to-week, hip. Does anyone care if he plays? I mean, he kinda sucks, right?

Derek Carr – Multiple weeks, oblique. Remember when the Saints were 2-0 and the toast of the league? In typical Saints fashion, they’ve since lost four straight.

Jordan Mason – Day-to-day, shoulder. Another week, another 49ers skill player gets hurt. Yawn.

Travis Etienne – Week-to-week, hamstring. Does anyone care if he plays? I mean, he kinda sucks, right?

Jerome Ford – Week-to-week, hamstring. Just in time for Nick Chubb to begin his comeback on a 1-5 sinking ship captained by Tuggy Watson. What could go wrong?

Rachaad White – Week-to-week, foot. In his absence, Bucky Irving and Sean Tucker combined for 197 yards and 3 touchdowns. Might as well fit White for a Cowboys jersey.

Marvin Harrison, Jr – Week-to-week, concussion. Only 17 catches in 6 games. Maybe if Marv starts playing Call of Duty, Kyler will throw him the ball more.

Chris Olave – Week-to-week, concussion. He’ll always have 2-0.

Rashid Shaheed – Unknown, knee. He’ll always have 2-0.

Dontayvion Wicks – Week-to-week, shoulder. He’ll always have Week 4.

Dallas Goedert – Week-to-week, hamstring. I’m blaming microplastics in ultra-processed foods for all these hamstring injuries.

CMC – Week-to-week, Achilles/calf. He will reportedly travel to Mars this week for treatment from the renowned Dr. Klaatu, who may or may not be plotting to destroy Earth.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Werewolves are Everywhere

A couple of years ago, I was playing blackjack at the Bellagio in Vegas. While building a decent-sized stack, I struck up a conversation with a fellow player named Lizette. Turns out Lizette was friends with Danica Patrick, who of course dated Aaron Rodgers from 2018-2020.

According to Lizette, one night in the summer of 2019, she and Rodgers were doing whippets in the parking lot behind Dino’s Famous Chicken in Los Angeles. A full moon hung brightly in the sky that night, which left Rodgers feeling very uneasy. When Lizette asked him why he was so freaked, Rodgers revealed that the city was crawling with werewolves (Rodgers referred to them as Lycanthropes but for our purposes we’ll go with the common term).

Apparently, Rodgers believes a cabal of werewolves has infiltrated society. The list of those compromised includes high-ranking members of Congress, Hollywood elites, captains of big tech, street mimes, elementary school swim teachers, and the DMV. Upon hearing this outlandish thesis, Lizette laughed in his face and called him a weirdo, but Rodgers was dead serious. “They are among us, lying in wait… preparing to strike,” he said.

Week 7 Gold Standard Matchup: Je Ne Saquon vs Weiner Dogs

Saquon will look to rebound by leaning on Lamar Jackson, the league’s top scoring quarterback. Meanwhile, the Dogs should get back newly minted Jet Davante Adams, as well as concussed rookie phenom Malik Nabers. We’ve reached the halfway point of the fantasy season, so neither team can afford to lose. Sources tell me Je Ne Saquon Head Coach Walker Griffith plans to make his players run laps barefoot on a track of hot coals while carrying bowling balls in each hand to make sure they are ready for the game.

暂时再见.