The quarterback clown car was overflowing with floppy shoes and bicycle horns in Week 10. I should’ve known after Burrow and Lamar combined for over 700 yards and 8 touchdowns last Thursday night that the Sunday slate was going to be a cavalcade of ineptitude. Plug those red noses, folks.
Daniel Jones – 190 yards, 0 passing touchdowns, and 2 interceptions against the Panthers is the most Daniel Jones stat line ever. So is not throwing to a completely wide open receiver.
Jared Goff – That sound you hear is Goff’s MVP odds imploding into a cloud of dust. Five interceptions, really? The Lions are very good, but Goff’s penchant to go full Jay Cutler is concerning.
CJ Stroud – A pair of bad interceptions and 4 sacks taken. I’m beginning to think Nico Collins is more responsible for Stroud being crowned than Stroud himself.
Sam Darnold – Looks like ol’ Sammy is seeing ghosts again. Lucky for him, the Vikings defense bailed his sorry ass out. An in-season benching is very much in play.
Joe Flacco – Joey boy has tossed 4 picks and lost 2 fumbles in back-to-back losses since replacing Anthony Richardson. The Colts braintrust fucked themselves.
Mac Jones – 111 yards passing, 2 interceptions, 1 lost fumble. He did rush for the Jags only touchdown, so there’s that.
Cooper Rush – Atrocious O-line. Zeroes at RB. CeeDee lost a ball in the sun. I get it. It’s not all Cooper’s fault, but 45 passing yards and a pair of lost fumbles is pathetic.
Aaron Rodgers – “Led” the offense to 6 points, threw for 151 yards, and lost a fumble against a Cardinals defense that had allowed double-digit points in 53 straight games (LOL). On a related note, let’s see how Mike Williams is doing in Pittsburgh:
Caleb Williams – 120 yards passing and NINE sacks taken. Yes, the freshly fired offensive coordinator was a donkey, but Williams is giving me Zach Wilson vibes.
Bryce Young – 126 yards passing against the Giants. The Panthers have won two in row with Young, so there’s a non-zero chance they will pull a Giants and convince themselves they can win with Young in 2025. Spoiler: they can’t.
Trey Lance – Replaced Rush in garbage time and went 4 for 6 for 21 yards with an interception. Lance is a trainwreck, but he can run and will be much more entertaining to watch than Rush.
Will Levis (yes, THAT Will Levis) looked like Joe Montana compared to these bozos. No wonder running backs are dominating fantasy.
Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Indiana SixPence
Ahhh, sweet revenge for the Hoosiers. The rematch of last year’s championship tilt was a one-sided affair as the SixPence crushed the Assassins thanks to Bijan, Pickens, and the god damn Dolphins footie. Head Coach Mark Lericos was heard shouting “SUCK IT, ASSASSINS!” as he ran through the locker room after the game. It’s abundantly clear that once the stink of Dak Prescott was removed from the equation, good fortune was all but guaranteed for Indiana.
Wooderson’s “Alright, Alright, Alright” Player of the Week: Ja’Marr Chase
11 catches, 264 yards, 3 TDs. Ja’Marr Chase cut through the Ravens secondary like a combine slashes through a corn field. If Baltimore used 15 guys on defense it wouldn’t have mattered. Chase made history by becoming the first player to notch multiple games of 250+ plus yards and 2 scores. In addition, it was his third career 200-yard game to go along with a pair 190+ yard games. And he’s only 24. All due respect to Justin Jefferson, CeeDee Lamb, and anyone else of their ilk, but Chase is in a class by himself.
We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Bucky Irving
73 yards rushing, 1 TD, 3 catches 14 yards: The 2024 running back class has been total ass with the exception of Irving (and Ty Tracy). Irving leads the team in rushing and has helped make the Bucs one of the toughest outs in the league. At 4-6, they are far from dead. The rest of season schedule has them facing the Giants, Raiders, Chargers, Cowboys, Saints, and Panthers twice.
LOL Image of the Week
I’d like to publicly apologize to Marquez Valdes-Scantling for besmirching his hyphenated last name last week. After catching 3 passes for 109 yards and 2 TDs to help upset the Falcons, Valdes-Scantling has restored honor to his hyphenated last name and made me look like a dumbass (I’m used to it).
Goober of the Week: Jerry Jones
Speaking of dumbasses. Another humiliating Cowboys home loss means more hilarious postgame comments from Jerry “All In” Jones. When asked about closing the shades (which do exist) in the stadium after CeeDee Lamb blamed the sun for missing a potential touchdown catch, Jerry got mega triggered:
“Well let’s tear the damn stadium down and build another one?” Jones sarcastically responded. “Are you kidding me? By the way, we know where the sun is going to be when we decide to flip the coin or not. We do know where the damn sun is going to be in our own stadium.”
Are you sure, Jerry? Kinda sounds like you don’t know. Let me help you out:
Here’s the official response from the other 31 teams:
Quarterbackin’ Ain’t Easy of the Week: Kyler Murray
Gawd! That looks like a lion taking down a gazelle. As awesome as that hit was, Kyler still carved up the Jets because the Jets are an abomination.
They Are Who We Thought They Were!
A FRAUD ALERT has been issued for the following teams:
New York Jets – What more needs to be said about the Jets? They are an overhyped embarrassment with a dipshit owner and a washed weirdo playing quarterback. Let’s look in on Robert Saleh:
Chicago Bears – New “generational quarterback talent,” same results. The Bears have scored 27 points in their last 3 games. This franchise is a disaster.
Atlanta Falcons – Losing to the team that just fired their head coach after they lost 7 straight games is pure Falcons. The annual Kirk Cousins primetime meltdown is imminent.
Denver Broncos – They’ve beaten the Bucs, Jets, Raiders, Saints, and Panthers, and have lost to the Seahawks, Steelers, Chargers, Ravens, and Chiefs. Sean Payton definitely has the Broncos overachieving, but this low on talent team is the definition of a pretender.
LA Rams – “Genius” Sean McVay settled for 5 field goals, including 2 inside the Dolphins 20-yard line on Monday night. And the Rams lost. If that kind of cowardly coaching can’t beat Miami, it sure as shit won’t beat elite teams.
Toilet Clogging of the Week: Darren Rizzi
Saints interim head coach Darren Rizzi had quite an eventful start to his NFL coaching career:
“This is how my day started,” Rizzi said. “I get down to the Superdome. I go in the head coach’s locker room, which I’ve never used before. So here I am, early in the morning, I go to the bathroom. This is how my day started. I clogged the toilet. I’m like, ‘This is gonna be a crappy day.’”
Rizzi, my man! You gotta lay off the gumbo the night before the game. Trust me, it’ll get you every time.
The Hallelujah Injury Report
Praise the fantasy football gods for sparing us significant injuries this week. We deserved a break from the carnage:
Trevor Lawrence – Shoulder, likely out for season. Not having to play for this abysmal Jaguars team is a blessing in disguise.
Sam LaPorta – Sprained shoulder, day-to-day. Just when he started to score touchdowns, he gets dinged.
Dalton Kincaid – Knee, week-to-week. He’s been largely useless along with rest of the Bills pass catchers.
Najee Harris – Ankle, day-to-day. Najee still sucks so any sort of ailment only serves to further diminish his value.
Aaron Jones – Chest, day-to-day. He should be fine, but he’s still tied to the albatross that is Sam Darnold.
Tank Bigsby – Ankle, week-to-week. It’s the Jags, nobody cares.
Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Squirrels are KGB Spies
We’re so back! After last week’s “redacted” kerfuffle, the conspiracy theories return better than ever. Today’s possibly-true-but-maybe-not insanity comes to us from a young Manhattan mother who alleges to have had a strange encounter with Rodgers in Central Park last summer.
According to her, she and her daughter were seated on a bench feeding sunflower seeds to a squirrel when Rodgers approached them with a dire warning. “Be careful, ladies. You might not be aware of this, but squirrels are Russian spies. Their cute little eyes are actually tiny cameras that feed directly to the Kremlin. You won’t hear that on CNN, but it’s all true,” Rodgers said.
Week 11 Gold Standard Matchup: Je Ne Saquon vs Furry Beasts
The league’s top two teams put on the gloves for a good old-fashioned back alley donnybrook in Week 11. It’s a brouhaha for the ages as silky smooth Saquon Barkley faces off against battering ram Derrick Henry to lay claim to the title of fantasy football’s top dawg. It’s Hagler vs Hearns. It’s Godzilla vs Mothra. It’s Harry Potter vs Voldemort. Let’s get it on! By the way, the loser gets tossed into a pool of sharks with lasers.
Audi 5000.
Stud Running Back 