Now that’s more like it! After pretty much the entire league faceplanted in Week 1, nine teams topped 30 points in Week 2, including the Ravens and Cowboys who hit 40, and the once-again mighty Lions who registered a whopping 52 against the LOL Bears. Despite my pathetic fake team not taking advantage of this scoring bonanza, I consider this a massive win.
However, not everyone was cooperative in Week 2. The Chiefs, who have no receivers, and the Eagles, who have no idea how to use receivers, played 4 quarters of flaccid football, while the Falcons and Vikings tucked their nuts to kick 7 field goals in a Sunday night game that should be fired into the sun.
Not to be outdone, the officials once again reared their ugly heads and unleashed a monsoon of yellow that would make Big Bird proud. To no one’s surprise, the most egregious offenders were the Giants, because of course. Big Blue was flagged 14 times for 160 yards. I mean, what exactly is Brian Daboll teaching these morons anyway?
Chef’s kiss, Giants. Your tomfoolery is a sight to behold.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: We’re Not Xavier Worthy
The defending champs shook off an opening week loss by edging the Evergreens thanks to Jakobi Myers being the only Raider to do a fucking thing on Monday Night Football. With starting quarterback Brock Purdy sidelined, the Worthys called upon their fedora-wearing backup to lead the squad to victory. His name… Indiana Jones:
It’s still early, but the Danny Dimes redemption arc is coming into focus. And I for one am here for it.
The I Drink Your Milkshake Player of the Week: Amon-Ra St. Brown
9 catches, 115 yards, 3 TDs. The Sun God burned the LOL Bears so badly that Ben Johnson begged (allegedly) Dan Campbell to hire him back as offensive coordinator. I think we all take St. Brown for granted while we fawn over Chase, Jefferson, Lamb and new kids on the block like Nabers and Puka. This dude has 25 regular season touchdowns since 2023, tied with Chase, and more than Jefferson and Lamb.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Justin Fields
I knew Week 1 was a mirage but damn, I figured he would make it to October before imploding like the OceanGate submarine. Welp, I was wrong. Prior to exiting the game with a concussion, Fields was 3-11 for 27 yards with 2 fumbles and 2 sacks taken. At least he didn’t throw a pick. That’s good… right? Yeah, I’m fucked with this waterhead as my quarterback.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Tetairoa McMillan
6 catches, 100 yards. Egbuka last week, T-Mac this week. The 2025 wide receiver class is shaping up to be a good one. Sadly, as long as he’s saddled to Bryce Young, McMillan’s upside will be capped. The less sadder part is the Panthers would be worse off if they kept that 2024 first-round pick and drafted Caleb Williams. Small victories.
LOL Image of the Week
Happy Birthday to Captain Tuggy, the man responsible for torpedoing a once beloved franchise. To be fair, he’s only the latest atrocious quarterback to wreck the Browns. But at least the likes of Brandon Weeden and DeShone Kizer didn’t become the poster boy for massage parlor perverts.
The Like Lambs to the Slaughter Injury Report
Good lord. I usually pen this section with an ounce of demented glee, but even I’m struggling to find any sort of humor from this carnage.
Joe Burrow – Turf toe, 3 months. I blame the skinflint owner who won’t even hire an actual General Manager, which is why players are constantly forced to hold out for fair compensation. A real GM might even notice the offensive line has been a fucking abomination for over a decade. Burrow deserves better.
That said, I know one person who’s celebrating:
J.J. McCarthy – High ankle sprain, 2-4 weeks. The classic injury to insult. McCarthy was abysmal on Sunday night, netting 3 fumbles, 2 interceptions, and 6 sacks taken. I’m getting strong Zach Wilson vibes from the lad. On the plus side, Carson Wentz is back!
Jayden Daniels – Knee sprain, might miss a week. A lot went right for Daniels as a rookie. However, he is quickly learning that life comes at you fast in the NFL. He’ll probably be fine, but the team around him is beginning to fall apart.
Austin Ekeler – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. Pour one out for the poor man’s Brian Westbrook. I bet the Commanders wish they didn’t trade Brian Robinson to the Niners.
Jayden Reed – Broken collarbone, 6-8 weeks.The Packers wide receiving corps is comprised of various iterations of Mr. Glass.
Aaron Jones – Hamstring, IR for a month. Jordan Mason owners rejoice!
Justin Fields – Concussion, week-to-week. See Loser of the Week.
Mike McDaniel’s I’m Going to get Fired Soon Quote of the Week
The latest boy genius fed to the NFL coaching grinder knows what’s coming. It’s not a matter of if, but when. His nebbish sarcasm will be missed.
Week 3 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs ThrillBillies
This tussle for first place in the Carolina Division might get heated. The Lame ones are known to utilize annoying diversion tactics to psych out their opponents. Meanwhile, the ThrillBillies, well, let’s just say they have a reputation for doing whatever it takes to get the W. Watch your back, Patrick Mahomes.
Stud Running Back 