Week 4 was a someone spiked the Gatorade week. The list of oddities that unfurled is extensive but I’ll do my best to summarize the strangeness.
-Marvin Harrison Jr. actually caught a touchdown pass
-Kenny Gainwell rushed for 99 yards and 2 TDs and caught 6 balls for 35 yards
-Drake London and Kyle Pitts both caught touchdowns thrown by Kirk Cousins Michael Penix Jr.
-The Bills failed to cover the -16.5 spread against the Saints
-The Lions only scored 34 points at home (impossible!)
-The corpse of Stefon Diggs went over 100 yards
-The unbeaten Chargers had a meltdown against the hapless Giants
-Jalen Hurts went 0 for 8 for zero yards passing in the 2nd half… and the Eagles won anyway
-The Titans were shut out by the Texans, prompting this gem from Cam Ward:
-Colts receiver Adonai Mitchell fumbled through the back of the endzone to cost his team a score, and then committed an egregious holding penalty that negated a Jonathan Taylor touchdown run
-Lamar Jackson played like shit against the Chiefs — Editor’s Note: That’s completely normal
-And last but certainly not least, the paper tiger Packers and LOL Cowboys played to a 40-40 tie… and Dak didn’t choke once!
I swear it’s all true. Or maybe it isn’t. It’s not like anyone is fact checking this crap.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft
182 points? Calm the fuck down, Schrody. Save some for November when it really matters. The duo of Love/Jacobs combined for over 60 points and only that bum Chig Okonkwo failed to hit double digits. If they didn’t leave Goedert’s 19.7 points on the pine, they would’ve netted 200 for the week. Someone needs to be catapulted into a pit of Nile crocodiles for that mistake. I suggest Chig.
The Bad Mother Fucker Player of the Week: Puka Nacua
13 catches, 170 yards, 1 TD. One of my biggest blunders in 35 years of playing fake football is not selecting Puka in the 2nd round of this year’s draft. I was shocked he was still available and yet I passed on him. Whatever excuses I conjured in my mind were, in a word, stupid. Even if Stafford’s spine snaps in half at some point, the sky won’t fall. As long as Jimmy G is fed a steady diet of porn stars to bang, he’ll be ready to go. Anyway, Puka is fucking unstoppable.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Derrick Henry
8 carries, 42 yards; 2 catches, 16 yards. 2024 seems like a decade ago the way Big Dawg is playing. He looks slow, can’t stop fumbling, and brings little as a pass catcher. Even more concerning is the Ravens leaky D, which has allowed 116 points in 3 losses. Plus, Justice Hill is the preferred ‘chasing points’ back and has proven to be adept in that role. Henry often makes his detractors eat their words, but time may have finally caught up to him.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty
138 yards rushing, 1 TD; 2 catches, 17 yards, 2 TDs. After shitting the bed for 3 weeks, Jeanty erupted to such a degree that he nearly single-handedly vaulted the Raiders to victory. I say “nearly” because, well, it’s the Raiders so of course they pissed the game away thanks to another blocked field goal.
The They Don’t Even Try to Block of the Week: The Texans
Not blocking the nose tackle is a choice. I’ve always believed CJ Stroud is fool’s gold, but this is ridiculous. What the hell is he supposed to do?
The Pompeii Injury Report
The Injury Gods are being dicks this season. I mean, they’re dicks every year, but the 2025 dicks are massive. Huge dicks. Monstrous dicks. Redwood tree-sized dicks. Enormous, throbbing… you get the point.
Malik Nabers – Torn ACL, SEASON OVER. As much as I lampoon the Giants, I was looking forward to watching the Dart-Nabers connection. Alas, the Giants are a cursed franchise ensconced in misery and failure. But hey, at least they won!
Lamar Jackson – Hamstring, week-to-week. Baltimore’s upcoming schedule is sorta favorable so maybe they can survive a few weeks with Cooper Rush?
Tyreke Hill – Destroyed knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The paws have finally fallen off the Cheetah. Hill is probably a piece of shit, but man was he fun to watch in his prime.
Bucky Irving – Ankle, week-to-week. If the Bucs ever get their entire starting offense on the field together, look the fuck out. All these dudes can ball.
Jaylen Warren – Knee, unknown. The Steelers claim Warren missed the Dublin game due to a knee ailment. However, my totally reliable sources tell me Warren skipped off to London to cosplay as Ron Weasley at a Harry Potter convention. Apparently, Warren loves “The Weaz.”
Ricky Pearsall, Jauan Jennings, Brock Purdy – Stuff, whatever. All three played on Sunday and all three got hurt again. I can’t with this team anymore.
Cedric Tillman – Hamstring, multiple weeks. He’s a Browns wide receiver so he’s already been missing for weeks.
Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. Yeah, no one cares.
Joe Alt – High ankle, 2-4 weeks. I normally ignore O-lineman injuries but with Rashawn Slater already out for the year, should Alt miss significant time, the Chargers are poised to once again go full Chargers, especially after faceplanting against the Giants.
Coaching Kerfuffle of the Week: Coen vs Saleh
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Brouhaha by the Bay? Skirmish in San Francisco? Loggerheads at Levi’s Stadium? Nope. Just pencil-necked Liam Coen meagerly attempting to start shit with meathead Robert Saleh, who responded in kind with this banger:
“I will fuck your world up. You don’t wanna fuck with me. I will fucking end your fucking life.”
totally not unhinged robert saleh
A) Coen definitely shat himself.
B) Saleh has definitely killed before.
C) LOL!!!
Week 5 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Wookilars
Oh yeah, brother. I love me an elite QB/WR combo taking on another elite QB/WR combo, and this tussle fits the bill. The Ninjas boast Hurts and Jefferson while the Wooks counter with Allen and the Sun God. The winner shall bathe in the blood of the loser… wait, what? Eh, that sounds pretty extreme, but that’s what my crack research staff tells me, so I’m rolling with it. Let the bloodletting commence!
Stud Running Back 