About 5 minutes into the 4th quarter of the Giants-Broncos tilt on Sunday, I was prepared to declare Big Blue as a team on the rise. A team no longer the portrait of professional football ineptitude. A team no longer considered a perpetual punchline. A team no longer defined by asinine front office decisions and astounding coaching blunders. After all, they were about to defeat the defending Super Bowl champs and a stout Denver team in back-to-back weeks.
And then, well, they went full Giants.
Allowing 33 points in the 4th quarter seems bad because it is bad. Being the first team in 1602 games to lose when leading by 18+ points with 6 minutes remaining seems bad because it is bad. Missing 2 extra points in a 1-point game seems bad because it is bad.
You are what you are until you aren’t. And right now, the Giants are still a team that can’t get out of their own way. However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Jaxson Dart has some Josh Allen in him, Cam Skattebo is of a bygone era, and when healthy, Malik Nabers is a Top 5 receiver.
Moreover, it could be worse. They could be the Jets.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Lame Excuses
No flimsy justifications needed for the Lame ones in Week 7. They just flat out dominated the Monkeys, led by MVP frontrunner Patty Mahomes, OPOY frontrunner Johnathan Taylor, and back from injury CeeDee Lamb. The Excuses top the league in points scored and show no signs of slowing down. Rumor has it they enjoy humiliating opponents. I mean, REALLY enjoy it. Like in a disturbing way. One anonymous source describes them as a “team of sociopaths.” Uh, should I be scared?
The Boats and Hoes Player of the Week: DeVonta Smith
9 catches for 183 yards, 1 TD. I called out Jalen Hurts last week to figure it the fuck out and lo and behold, he did exactly that against the Vikings. AJ Brown could also be in this spot, but I’m going with Smitty because he’s easily the most undervalued wide receiver in football. The Slim Reaper set a career-high in yards, and even lobbied for moron Kevin Patullo to call the play that resulted in a 79-yard TD grab after identifying a tendency in the Vikings coverage. Shit, just make him Offensive Coordinator.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Tua Tagovailoa
100 yards passing, 3 INTs, 3 fumbles, 1 benching. Tua’s 2025 cap number is $39 million. Next season that number balloons to $56 million, or 19% of the entire salary cap. His career record is 39-30 and he has zero playoff wins. He’s careless with the football, injury prone, and enjoys throwing teammates under the bus. Yeah, he’ll definitely be a Jet in 2026.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Quinshon Judkins
25 carries, 84 yards, 3 TDs. Wait, a Browns player did something right? Say it ain’t so. Oh, it be so. Judkins single-handedly shredded the pretty porpoises and is pretty much carrying the entire offense. Not bad for a dude who didn’t sign his rookie contract until the day before the season due to assault charges that were eventually dropped. In other words, according to Johnny Law, he’s not a piece of shit. However, he’s a Cleveland Brown, so he still might be a piece of shit. Stay tuned!
LOL Image of the Week
A) The Chiefs’ ‘we’re pissed for blowing the three-peat’ revenge tour took a few weeks to get rolling but it appears to be full steam ahead, so the rest of the league should probably look the fuck out.
B) Pete Carroll needs to wash his hands of the mess that are the Raiders and retire before he tarnishes his legacy. At the very least he needs to fire Chip Kelly. Chip Dip has ruined enough teams already.
The We Got a Bleeder Injury Report
Unfortunately, it looks like both the frank and beans got caught in the zipper this week.
Jayden Daniels – Hamstring, week-to-week. It was all puppy dogs and rainbows for Daniels last season. This season, not so much as the Commanders continue to slide down the standings in the NFC.
Bryce Young – High ankle sprain, at least 2 weeks. Fire up the Red Rifle for the suddenly red hot Panthers!
Michael Penix – Bruised foot, day-to-day. You don’t say?
Mike Evans – Broken collarbone + concussion, likely done for season. Damn. The Bucs might have worse injury luck than the 49ers.
Nico Collins – Concussion, week-to-week. Considering that Nico is the Texans only good offensive player, his loss is less than ideal (analysis).
Darren Waller – Strained pec, week-to-week. Now that he’s hurt, will Waller retire from football again only to unretire from rapping?
Kendre Miller – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. The Saints are by far the best of the shitty teams. So at least they got that going for them.
Hello, Old Friend
Whoa, take it easy big fella. Celebrating is cool and everything but Rodgers is a geriatric whose bones have been severely weakened from years of injecting horse tranquilizers and ketamine. Also, I can’t believe it took me seven weeks before mentioning my favorite conspiracy theorist. Thankfully, I have atoned for this blatant miscarriage of justice.
Week 8 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Dogs
Both teams need a win to keep their dismal playoff chances alive. No Gibbs for Weiner, but Lamar should return from his bad hammy. Meanwhile, the Assassins will attempt to cobble together a lineup consisting of egregious busts and chronic underachievers. Who am I kidding, this matchup will be the equivalent of watching the 1994 Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl. If you know, you know.
Stud Running Back 