We’ve reached the point in the season when the frauds begin to rear their disgusting heads. Obsequious ball-knowers, All-22 tape grinders, and Twitter analytic bros love to pretend that the likes of Sam Darnold, Jared Goff, and Justin Herbert are not only legitimate MVP candidates, but also capable of leading their respective teams to Super Bowl titles. Of course, this is utter nonsense.
- Darnold: 29/44, 279 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTS
- Goff: 14/37, 255 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
- Herbert: 10/18, 81 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT
Three huge games, three epic flops from supposed elite quarterbacks. Simps will farm excuses like bad matchup, inclement weather, and cluster injuries, but the bottom line is when it matters most, all three of these desperate to be relevant signal-callers succumb to a severe case of shrinkage.
Let’s be real. There’s a handful of quarterbacks who can win the Super Bowl and this terrible trio isn’t among them. Neither is Jordan Love. Neither is Daniel Jones. Neither is Dak Prescott. And neither is, that’s right, Lamar Jackson.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies
The Billies maintained their grip on the league’s best record by dispatching Schrody (and Quentin Jonnston’s second Blutarsky of the season). Led by Bijan “I’m Wasting my Prime in Hell” Robinson and Travis “Tree Trunk” Kelce, Dark Corner moved one step closer to capturing the Carolina Division crown.
The I’m The Juggernaut, Bitch Player of the Week: Josh Allen
317 yards passing, 3 TDs; 40 yards rushing, 3 TDs. As he is wont to do a few times each season, the reigning MVP donned his Superman cape and carried the we’re talking proud Bills to victory. And he’s probably going to have to do this a lot more considering the Buffalo defense just allowed 200 yards rushing to a pass-first Bucs team without their number one running back.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Ja’Marr Chase
3 catches, 30 yards, 1 suspension for spitting. Listen, I get that playing for the Bengals is infinite misery, but hocking a loogie on an opposing player while getting destroyed in a key rivalry game is fucking stupid. I’m sure Chase will enjoy not having to face the Patriots in Week 12, but his fantasy owners seem less than enthusiastic.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: TreVeyon Henderson
62 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 5 catches, 31 yards, 1 TD. Credit the Purdy Mouth for snagging Henderson off waivers a few weeks back. I didn’t even realize he was available, which speaks to my not-remotely-locked-in mindset. But enough about my failings. After a slow start, Hendo has the look of a league winner. His next three games are against the Bengals, Giants, and Bills.
LOL Image of the Week
It just goes to show that playcallers matter. One guy has Ben Johnson designing the offense and the other guy has Kevin Patullo.
The Rage Virus Injury Report
The injury bug continues to spread with no cure in sight.
Michael Penix, Jr – Knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The Falcons haven’t had a winning season since 2017. Also, Penix sucks.
Drake London – Knee, week-to-week. When he returns, he’ll get to catch passes from Kirk Cousins.
JK Dobbins – Foot, OUT FOR SEASON. Three teams, three significant injuries. Dobbins has had a rough go of it. He’ll make a great Commander in 2026.
Josh Jacobs – Knee, week-to-week. The Packers only reliable offensive player being hurt is less than ideal for a team with fading playoff hopes.
Calvin Ridley – Broken fibula, OUT FOR SEASON. The good news is he doesn’t have to play out the string for the miserable Titans.
Kimani Vidal – Quad, week-to-week. The Chargers are once again on the verge of going full Chargers.
Jaylen Warren – Ankle, week-to-week. Kenny Gainwell is better than Warren. Yeah, I said it.
Aaron Rodgers – Slightly broken wrist, unknown. Only Rodgers could suffer a “slight” break in his wrist. I really hope he follows in the footsteps of Brett Favre and signs with the Vikings next offseason.
Emari Demercado – Ankle, week-to-week. Do NOT sign with the Cardinals if you’re a free agent running back. It won’t end well.
Dillon Gabriel – Concussion, week-to-week. I feel bad that Gabriel got his bell rung, but it allowed us a sneak peek at the disaster that is Shedeur Sanders.
Hey, at least he didn’t sexually assault any massage therapists.
That’s My Quarterback! of the Week: Adam Trautman
How come Jalen Hurts’ teammates don’t defend him like this? Oh, that’s because they hate him with a passion even though he just led them to a Super Bowl championship. To be fair, it wouldn’t be an Eagles season without locker room strife and media manufactured turmoil.
Week 12 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Monkeys
It’s been a long season for both squads, but only the visually impaired primates have yet to notch a W. This might be their best chance get off the schneid. Stafford draws the Bucs, Henry faces the Jets, and Judkins gets the privilege of toying with the LOL Raiders. And maybe, just maybe, AJ Brown will stop whining long enough to finish running a route and catch a touchdown pass.
Stud Running Back 