This week’s recap was delayed due to my detainment for an egging incident that took place at Nick Sirianni’s house late Monday night. I’ve been advised to say nothing. All I will say is if I did do it, I wouldn’t be foolish enough to leave an eggy glove at the scene of the alleged crime. I’ll also be dedicating all of my spare time to find the real egger.
Speaking of unsolved mysteries, let’s check in on how the Gulfman League playoff race is shaping up. Will anyone be screwed out of a berth because total points isn’t the determining metric used to qualify? Inquiring minds.
In the Carolina Division, the Billies and Excuses are sitting at 9-3 and odds are one will seize the crown. However, the 7-5 Evergreens lead the league in points scored by over 100 and have reeled off five straight wins. And the Dogs, winners of 3 in a row, are catching fire at the right time.
Meanwhile, the New York Division title is a battle between the Wookilars, Purdy Mouth, and Schrody. The Mouth hold a slight edge in points over the Wooks, but both squads are on 2-game losing streaks. Neither can ill afford another trip-up if they want a shot to achieve playoff glory.
Strap in, kids. A fantastic finish is on the horizon.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Blind Monkeys
I prognosticated last week that the unseeing simians were in a great spot to end their winless suffering, and hot damn, they did just that! Recent addition Michael Wilson continued to look way better than Marv Harrison Jr. and AJ Brown took a break from cryptic tweeting and leaking drama to Eagles “insiders” to score a touchdown. Well done, AJ. I’m sure you’ll be much happier after the Eagles trade you to the Raiders in the offseason.
The You’re a Disease and I’m the Cure Player of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs
219 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 11 catches, 45 yards, 1 TD. The great debate come draft time next summer will be which stud running back will go number one overall — Gibbs or Jonathan Taylor? Yeah, give me Gibbs all day long. Taylor is being run into the ground similar to the way Saquon was in 2024, plus he’s 3 years older. If the Lions ever get rid of David Montgomery, Gibbs will deliver a LaDainian Tomlinson type season.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Lamar Jackson
164 total yards, 0 touchdowns. Oof. Lamar has looked like shit since returning from injury. Sure, the Browns and Jets are solid on defense, but he isn’t even running anymore. If he flops against the LOL Bengals on Turkey Day, concern will continue to swell in Ravens Nation. Another postseason collapse is imminent.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty
108 total yards, 8 catches, 1 TD. Jeanty was handed a gift this week after the Raiders finally fired Chip Dip Kelly. That should’ve happened weeks ago. Correction, he never should’ve been hired in the first place. Chip Kelly is a fucking moron… and quite possibly a lizard person.
Nut Shot of the Week
As if the 49ers haven’t endured enough pain and agony this season, now they have to worry about random nut punches. This kind of testicle abuse must be banned! Oh, never mind. Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies are too busy inventing new ways to ban the dreaded tush push, which of course is a much bigger threat to player safety.
The Fury Road Injury Report
Hey, not a lot of post apocalyptic carnage on the injury front. Be thankful.
Tee Higgins – Concussion, week-to-week. The bad news is Tee will miss the Thanksgiving tilt with Baltimore. The good news is he didn’t spit on anyone before or after he was concussed.
Baker Mayfield – Shoulder sprain, week-to-week. Bucs have lost 3 straight and now Baker is banged up. We’re looking at a 9-8 NFC South Champion, which is very NFC South.
Alvin Kamara – Knee, unknown. Fun fact: Kamara has never rushed for 1000 yards in a season.
Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Wiener vs Lame
Showdowns like this are why we play fantasy football. Well, that and the opportunity to lord dominance over leaguemates after we humiliate them. If the Lame ones win, they all but assure a playoff berth. But if the Dogs break the skin and ragdoll the Excuses they will find themselves in the thick of the playoff hunt. Lamar vs Mahomes. Gibbs vs JT. Kittle vs Andrews. Sign me the fuck up!
Good luck to everyone. I’m off to watch the greatest Thanksgiving movie ever made.
Stud Running Back 