Author Archives: Scott

Week 3 Recap: Trampled Under Foot

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You know some shit went down when I’m dedicating time to talk about kickers. Anyone who has taken a cursory glance at these recaps is well aware I despise footies. I loathe them with every fiber of my being. They are, without question, a blight on the NFL and the world at large.

Despite my best efforts to cast out these demons, they still remain, like an incurable plague sweeping across the league. An evil presence whose sole reason for existing is to fuck up my football viewing experience. If it were socially acceptable to burn them at the stake, I would do so without remorse. Instead, I get to spew bile and vitriol as I detail how this scourge ruined Week 3.

Our descent into the abyss begins with the monumentally stupid Atlanta Falcons. Ya see, the Falcons cut Younghoe Koo after he missed a Week 1 kick that would’ve sent the game into overtime versus the rival Bucs. Okay fine, Koo sucked. His replacement, Parker Romo, would proceed to go 5-5 in a Week 2 victory over the Vikings. Problem solved, right? WRONG. Romo lived up to his shrivels in the spotlight last name by going 0-2 as the Falcons were humiliated 30-0 by the — checks notes — Panthers?!

Don’t go changin’, Falcons.

The Packers pulled a Cowboys and anointed themselves Super Bowl Champions after a 2-0 start. As punishment, Brandon McManus had his potential game-winning field goal blocked by the Browns, who rubbed salt in the wound by booting a 55-yarder to secure the win as the clock struck zero.

The Bucs rode the footie rollercoaster on Sunday too. Chase McLaughlin hit a quintet of field goals, including the game-winner as time expired, but also had one blocked and returned for a touchdown. Lucky for Tampa they were playing the Jets, who of course squandered the kick-six because they’re the Jets.

However, the coup de grâce of kicking calamities came courtesy of the Los Angeles Rams’ Joshua Karty.

Pathetic, bum kicker. Truer words have never been typed. Karty had another kick blocked earlier but this one sealed the Rams collapse after building a 26-7 lead early in the second half. And yes, I’m aware the protection was garbage, but I refuse to grant any footie a reprieve, no matter how compelling the evidence presented.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Weiner Dogs

The tubular canines rode the dynamic duo of Lamar/Gibbs to victory, but also got a D/ST performance for the ages from the Vikings that included 2 TDs, 2 INTs, 5 forced fumbles, and 4 sacks. Jesus H Christ, it’s as if they were playing a high school team! Or, ya know, the Joe Burrowless Bengals.

The There Can Be Only One Player of the Week: Caleb Williams

19-28, 298 yards, 4 TDs. The latest generational quarterback prospect actually looked good on Sunday. I’d love to give Caleb all the credit but the Cowboys LOL defense really made things easy for him:

Is that bad? Seems bad.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Russell Wilson

After lighting up the LOL Cowboys in Week 2, Mr. Unlimited crashed back down to earth against the Chiefs, tossing for a pathetic 160 yards and 2 interceptions. The following series is vintage New York Giants football:

And right on cue, rookie Jaxson Dart has been named the starter. Why did it take 3 weeks?

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Omarion Hampton

70 yards rushing, 1 TD; 6 catches for 59 yards. I’d like to thank Omarion for saving his rookie breakout game for the week I benched him. I feel great. No really, I couldn’t be happier for the kid. I’m not the slightest bit mad. Nope, not at all.

WTF Throw of the Week: Cam Ward

This was Ward’s first pass of the game. I get he’s a rookie but holy shit that was awful.

Head Coach Bludgeoning of the Week: Dan Quinn

First we have Chiefs players taking each other out, now we have backup quarterbacks targeting their own head coaches.

That’s clearly elder abuse. If I were Quinn, I’d trade Marcus Mariota to the Browns as payback.

The Overlook Hotel Injury Report

And I thought last week was a blood bath.

CeeDee Lamb – High ankle sprain, 3-4 weeks. Things continue to spiral in Big D. At this point, it’s just sad. Hilarious, but sad.

James Conner – Broken ankle, SEASON OVER. A severe ankle injury for a 30-year-old RB likely ends his career. Too bad, I’ve always liked Conner.

Najee Harris – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. First a fireworks-related eye injury, now an Achilles tear. The Chargers need to banish Najee to the hinterlands. The last thing they need after a 3-0 start is a bad luck charm limping around the locker room.

Tyrone Tracy – Shoulder, week-to-week. I predict Tracy will leave via free agency in 2 years and instantly become an MVP candidate with his new team. Hey, it’s worked for Saquon and Danny Dimes.

Mike Evans – Hamstring, week-to-week. Evans ranks 9th on the all-time receiving touchdowns list with 106. Remember when he made Johnny Manziel look competent? Good times.

Terry McLaurin- Quad strain, unknown. The Commanders roster is comprised of 30 guys that are 29 or older. Injuries are already starting to pile up. By December, this team is going to be a full blown MASH unit.

Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week

“You’ve got to have something that comes your way that’s really special,” Jones said. “And if you’ve got the currency to do it, which in this case it would be draft picks, we’ll do it.”

Jerry Jones on using draft picks from micah parsons trade

Something “special” like say, I dunno, Micah Parsons? I hope Jerry lives to be a 1000 years old.

Week 4 Gold Standard Matchup: Purdy Mouth vs Wookilars

Grab the popcorn for this New York Division battle. It’s Josh Allen taking on Kyler Murray! Hmm… that’s a huge mismatch. Okay, we also have the Sun God throwing down with Jamar Chase! But Chase has Jake Browning as his quarterback. Umm, that’s not great either. Hold on a second, JSN faces off with Waddle, and Kraft duels Njoku! Okay, that levels the playing field. Whew! Bottom line: I promise this will be a fantastic matchup. It won’t be one-sided at all. Trust me.

Week 2 Recap: All Guns Blazing

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Now that’s more like it! After pretty much the entire league faceplanted in Week 1, nine teams topped 30 points in Week 2, including the Ravens and Cowboys who hit 40, and the once-again mighty Lions who registered a whopping 52 against the LOL Bears. Despite my pathetic fake team not taking advantage of this scoring bonanza, I consider this a massive win.

However, not everyone was cooperative in Week 2. The Chiefs, who have no receivers, and the Eagles, who have no idea how to use receivers, played 4 quarters of flaccid football, while the Falcons and Vikings tucked their nuts to kick 7 field goals in a Sunday night game that should be fired into the sun.

Not to be outdone, the officials once again reared their ugly heads and unleashed a monsoon of yellow that would make Big Bird proud. To no one’s surprise, the most egregious offenders were the Giants, because of course. Big Blue was flagged 14 times for 160 yards. I mean, what exactly is Brian Daboll teaching these morons anyway?

Chef’s kiss, Giants. Your tomfoolery is a sight to behold.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: We’re Not Xavier Worthy

The defending champs shook off an opening week loss by edging the Evergreens thanks to Jakobi Myers being the only Raider to do a fucking thing on Monday Night Football. With starting quarterback Brock Purdy sidelined, the Worthys called upon their fedora-wearing backup to lead the squad to victory. His name… Indiana Jones:

Courtesy @AlecUsleaman

It’s still early, but the Danny Dimes redemption arc is coming into focus. And I for one am here for it.

The I Drink Your Milkshake Player of the Week: Amon-Ra St. Brown

9 catches, 115 yards, 3 TDs. The Sun God burned the LOL Bears so badly that Ben Johnson begged (allegedly) Dan Campbell to hire him back as offensive coordinator. I think we all take St. Brown for granted while we fawn over Chase, Jefferson, Lamb and new kids on the block like Nabers and Puka. This dude has 25 regular season touchdowns since 2023, tied with Chase, and more than Jefferson and Lamb.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Justin Fields

I knew Week 1 was a mirage but damn, I figured he would make it to October before imploding like the OceanGate submarine. Welp, I was wrong. Prior to exiting the game with a concussion, Fields was 3-11 for 27 yards with 2 fumbles and 2 sacks taken. At least he didn’t throw a pick. That’s good… right? Yeah, I’m fucked with this waterhead as my quarterback.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Tetairoa McMillan

6 catches, 100 yards. Egbuka last week, T-Mac this week. The 2025 wide receiver class is shaping up to be a good one. Sadly, as long as he’s saddled to Bryce Young, McMillan’s upside will be capped. The less sadder part is the Panthers would be worse off if they kept that 2024 first-round pick and drafted Caleb Williams. Small victories.

LOL Image of the Week

Happy Birthday to Captain Tuggy, the man responsible for torpedoing a once beloved franchise. To be fair, he’s only the latest atrocious quarterback to wreck the Browns. But at least the likes of Brandon Weeden and DeShone Kizer didn’t become the poster boy for massage parlor perverts.

The Like Lambs to the Slaughter Injury Report

Good lord. I usually pen this section with an ounce of demented glee, but even I’m struggling to find any sort of humor from this carnage.

Joe Burrow – Turf toe, 3 months. I blame the skinflint owner who won’t even hire an actual General Manager, which is why players are constantly forced to hold out for fair compensation. A real GM might even notice the offensive line has been a fucking abomination for over a decade. Burrow deserves better.

That said, I know one person who’s celebrating:

J.J. McCarthy – High ankle sprain, 2-4 weeks. The classic injury to insult. McCarthy was abysmal on Sunday night, netting 3 fumbles, 2 interceptions, and 6 sacks taken. I’m getting strong Zach Wilson vibes from the lad. On the plus side, Carson Wentz is back!

Jayden Daniels – Knee sprain, might miss a week. A lot went right for Daniels as a rookie. However, he is quickly learning that life comes at you fast in the NFL. He’ll probably be fine, but the team around him is beginning to fall apart.

Austin Ekeler – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. Pour one out for the poor man’s Brian Westbrook. I bet the Commanders wish they didn’t trade Brian Robinson to the Niners.

Jayden Reed – Broken collarbone, 6-8 weeks.The Packers wide receiving corps is comprised of various iterations of Mr. Glass.

Aaron Jones – Hamstring, IR for a month. Jordan Mason owners rejoice!

Justin Fields – Concussion, week-to-week. See Loser of the Week.

Mike McDaniel’s I’m Going to get Fired Soon Quote of the Week

The latest boy genius fed to the NFL coaching grinder knows what’s coming. It’s not a matter of if, but when. His nebbish sarcasm will be missed.

Week 3 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs ThrillBillies

This tussle for first place in the Carolina Division might get heated. The Lame ones are known to utilize annoying diversion tactics to psych out their opponents. Meanwhile, the ThrillBillies, well, let’s just say they have a reputation for doing whatever it takes to get the W. Watch your back, Patrick Mahomes.

Week 1 Recap: Here I Go Again

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Now it begins…

The 2025 NFL season is upon us. Get ready for 4-plus months of nerve-racking ordeals, humiliating downfalls, asinine punditry, conspiratorial injustices, soul-crushing indignities, laugh-out-loud buffoonery, and slightly elevated dick and fart jokes… and some football, I guess.

I’m not really sure what I witnessed during the Week 1 slate of games, but I gather it wasn’t the pristine product that Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies envisioned after they spent the offseason coping and seething that the Philadelphia Eagles ruined the first ever Super Bowl Era three-peat.

Nevertheless, Week 1 was a genuine shitshow, jam-packed with a staggering amount of incompetence. With the exception of the Bills, Ravens, and Packers, the entire league needs to be put in timeout wearing a giant dunce cap while Nurse Ratched whacks its knees with a riding whip.

Wake up, assholes. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through a season. Unless you’re the New York Giants.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Character Assassins

Hey, that’s me! The Assassins topped the week in scoring led by… checks notes… Justin Fields? That’s right, the former Bear/Steeler was finally allowed by the new Jets regime to, ya know, play to his strengths, utilizing his big arm and shifty legs to slice and dice the vaunted Steelers D. I’m under no illusion that Fields will continue to drop 30-point bunker busters, but for one week he looked the part of a legit star quarterback. As an added bonus, I wiped that pig-squealing grin off the Purdy Mouth.

I’m Your Huckleberry Player of the Week: Josh Allen

Well, well, well. Still think Lamar Jackson deserved the MVP over Josh Allen? Hailee Steinfeld’s better half went nuclear Sunday night, totaling 424 yards and 4 TDs, while leading four scoring drives in the 4th quarter to overcome a 15-point deficit to the rival Ravens. Bills Mafia is once again pounding the table that the Bills are Super Bowl bound. What could go wrong?

The It Sounds Made Up Shocker of the Week: Daniel Jones

With the stink of the Giants fully cleansed, Danny Dimes led the Colts to a blowout win over the pretty porpoises, accounting for 3 scores and more importantly, ZERO turnovers. Next week he faces the Broncos defense, so there’s a decent chance I’ll be fitting him for a big fat pumpkin costume soon.

The Lives in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bryce Young

Number 1 overall pick Bryce Young on Sunday:

The look on that kid’s face encapsulates what it’s like to be a Panthers fan.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Emeka Egbuka

4 catches, 67 yards, 2 TDs. Are the Bucs 3D printing All-Pro wide receivers? Egbuka lived up to the preseason hype by torching the latest version of the Falcons dreadful secondary. Chronically injured Chris Godwin is allegedly returning at some point this season, but if I were him I’d be a bit concerned, especially since the Bucs moved his locker to the basement and scheduled a meeting with the Bobs.

Trade Alert: Tank is an Eagle!

Howie Roseman is contractually obligated to make a trade every seven days or the football Gods will smite him where he stands. Anyway, Tank Bigsby was good in 2024 and his addition moves the Eagles one step closer to recreating the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

LOL Image of the Week

T-Law is the master of painfully average games where he sails passes to wide-open receivers and forces errant throws into traffic. Lest we forget, Brian Thomas didn’t become a target hog last season until Mac Jones (lol) took over. Maybe year 5 will be Trevy’s “breakout.” Or maybe he’ll continue to be the most protected and overrated player in the league. My money is on the latter.

The Red Wedding Injury Report

Is that “The Rains of Castamere” I hear playing? Yes, yes it is.

George Kittle, Brock Purdy, Jauan Jennings – Various ailments. Just like in 2024, pretty much every 49er should be considered week-to-week. And yes, this includes CMC, who to his credit looked spry in Week 1, but we should know by now how his story ends.

Xavier Worthy – Dislocated shoulder, unknown. Remember last season when Patrick Mahomes took out Rashee Rice’s knee? Well, not to be outdone, Travis Kelce took out Worthy’s shoulder on a botched crossing route. Is Andy Reid issuing bounties on his own players?

Drake London – Shoulder, day-to-day. You either hate the Drake or you love the Drake. I’m not sure which side I fall on, but he plays for the Falcons, so it’s a near lock he ends up being a disappointment.

Brock Bowers – Knee, day-to-day. Bowers says he’s fine, but he plays for the cursed Raiders, so he might want to sacrifice a chicken or at the very least burn some incense in his locker.

Evan Engram – Calf, unknown. Engram plays for the Broncos? I thought he retired 2 years ago. At any rate, he pulled a calf muscle so maybe he should retire for real if for no other reason than to make me look like less of an idiot for not knowing he was still in the league.

Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week

“This gives us a chance to be a better team than we’ve had the last several years.”

Jerry Jones, after trading michael(?) parsons

Jerry is the gift that keeps on giving. In this case, he gave an NFC rival one of the best defensive players in the league, and in return received an aging defensive tackle and a pair of late first-round picks. Well done, sir.

Let’s look in on how Micah did with his new team (WARNING LOUD AUDIO):

And the rest of the NFL’s reaction to the trade:

Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Wookilars

First place in the New York Division is on the line when the league’s top two scoring squads enter the arena. Week 1 darlings, Justin Fields and Josh Allen, will look to continue their hot starts, while Saquon and Kyren hope to improve on underwhelming opening outings. But this one might come down to Terry ‘Pay Me For Being Good Not Great’ McLaurin and Jaylen ‘I Excel at Dropping Easy Passes’ Waddle. If one of these two can pull their head from their ass and actually earn their money, it would really help.

Closing Time

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The 2024 Gulfman Fantasy Football League is officially over. And to no one’s surprise, Je Ne Saquon are the champs. Congratulations to Walker! His fake team comprised of, dare I say, stud running backs was the one to beat from the jump. Barkley, Kamara, Irving, and when it mattered most, Jonathan Taylor, sledgehammered their collective way to a title that was never really in doubt.

While Walker celebrates with Brazilian hookers and Colombian blow (allegedly), the rest of us must settle for consolation prizes or concoct a Hawk Tuah Girl pump-and-dump crypto scam to pay for entry fees. Either way, we have 8 months to lick our wounds and devise plots and schemes to usurp the king.

For example, I think Woody Johnson’s ingenious “Madden” system is the way to go. Who needs washed-up fantasy experts, annoying analytic nerds, and grizzled ball-knowers to draft guys when you can rely on the player rating system from a video game franchise that peaked 20 years ago? All these fools clowning on Woody are just jealous of his psychotic unorthodox leadership skills.

I leave you with this joyful display of incompetency brought to you by none other than the New York Football Giants.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Until next season…

Week 13 Recap: Wild Horses

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The 2024 Gulfman Fantasy League has officially come down to the wire. What’s in store for the final week of the regular season reminds me of the finish at the 2024 Kentucky Derby when Mystik Dan edged out Sierra Leone and Forever Young. If you know, you know. And if you don’t know, what’s the matter with you? Start watching the ponies you plebs!

Anyway, what we have here is 7 teams vying for 3 playoff spots, with a pair (Furry Beasts, Indiana SixPence) of 8-5 squads, four (Character Assassins, Weiner Dogs, Cycle Ninjas, Shouty’s Gang) 7-6 teams, and one (Blind Monkeys) at 6-7. I’m no Will Hunting so I’m not going to run through all the permutations but safe to say, you really want to win in Week 14 (analysis).

Even if you weren’t fully engaged in the weekly machinations, it turned out to be a helluva season. A season Gulfman would be proud of, which when all is said and done, is all that matters. So, even if you don’t end up advancing to the playoffs, give yourself a pat on the back for contributing to the fun.

Also, I’d like to offer a special thanks to everyone who read these haphazard recaps. Whether you found my ramblings mildly amusing or wholly pointless, I tip my hat to you. Especially Lericos, who had to put up with me constantly (and happily) disemboweling the bloated corpse of the Dallas Cowboys.

I’ll be in Vegas next Monday torching my life savings on Saquon MVP bets, so there won’t be a Week 14 recap. Good luck to those fighting for the playoffs. I’ll be back for a postseason review (unless I win MegaBucks and fuck off to Bora Bora).

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Cycle Ninjas

The Ninjas blasted their way into playoff contention by blowing out the Lame ones by 58 points. Jayden did his best Josh Allen impression, Tyreke Hill finally woke up from a coma to post his best score since Week 1, and the Seattle defense had the pleasure of pick-sixing Aaron Rodgers. Next on the Ninjas hit list are the SixPence, who are rumored to be involved in human trafficking. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. That’s just what I’m hearing.

The Welcome to the Party, Pal Player of the Week: Russell Wilson

414 yards, 3 TDs. Is this 2020? Are we living in a simulation? Does the NFL actually script games? I have no explanation for Mr. Unlimited’s performance on Sunday. Wait, yes I do. He played the Bengals. Mystery solved.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Brock Bowers

10 catches, 140 yards, 1 TD. The dude has more receiving yards than Amon-Ra St. Brown and CeeDee Lamb. He’s the best tight end in football and he plays for the Raiders. Bowers is like a luxury mansion located in the Belmont neighborhood of Detroit.

LOL Image of the Week

Via @adamlevitan on X

Kirk Cousins’ the last 3 games: 0 TDs, 6 INTs, 4 fumbles, 7 sacks taken, 0-3 record. Unlike previous seasons, Cousins’ current meltdown has been gradual rather than immediate. Quick reminder, he will count for a fully guaranteed $40 million on next year’s salary cap and has a NO-TRADE clause in his contract. The Falcons are a hilariously horrendous franchise.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Goober of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs

Gibbs decided to celebrate Detroit’s Thanksgiving day victory over the Bears by posting a picture of fellow running back Jermar Jefferson standing in front of a whiteboard that revealed the Lions protections and audibles. I’m not a coaching terminology expert, but this seems less than optimal. Either Gibbs devised an elaborate scheme to fool future opponents or he’s a moron. I’m leaning toward the latter.

Takedown of the Week: Derrick Henry

That would be 6’0″ 198 lb rookie Cooper DeJean piledriving 6’3″ 250 lb grown-ass-man Derrick Henry. In a word: textbook. You love to see it, unless you’re Derrick Henry. He probably wasn’t a fan.

The Hand the MVP to Josh Allen Play of the Week: Josh Allen

Gotta give credit to the Buffalo Bills social media team. This is spectacular. Yes, I’m fully aware that this play cements Josh Allen as the 2024 MVP. To my fellow Saquon truthers, it was fun while it lasted.

The Not Like This Injury Report

It’s time to pour one out for one of the greatest fantasy football players of all time… and some other guys I guess.

CMC – PCL, out for season. CMC’s season-ending injury seemed inevitable. He looked cooked since returning from an Achilles/calf injury, although did show some bounce in the Buffalo snow before exiting with a dreaded PCL injury. He turns 29 next June and has missed 35 games since 2020. I’m sure fantasy pundits will once again drink the Kool-Aid and talk themselves into ranking McCaffrey as a first-round pick in 2025. Don’t fall for their bullshit.

Jordan Mason – High ankle sprain, IR – The Super Bowl losing team hangover has struck hard yet again (see 2023 Eagles).

Trevor Lawrence – Concussion, unknown. Lawrence had no business playing on Sunday. But he did and suffered a brutal concussion as a result of a dirty hit that would make Chuck Cecil and Andre Waters smile.

Ladd McConkey – Knee, unknown. Jim Harbaugh says Ladd is “working through a couple of things” regarding his ailing knee. That’s coachspeak for “he’s not going to play this week but I’m going to lie cuz reasons.”

Taysom Hill – Knee, out for season. Two weeks after playing the game of his life, Taysom had his left knee obliterated by a low-hit cheap shot. Not great, Bob!

Dallas Goedert – Knee, week-to-week. I’m fairly certain it’s against league rules for Goedert, AJ Brown, and DeVonta Smith to be on the field at the same time. The moon will crash into the earth, or some such shit, if they are.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Taylor Swift is a Martian

Brace for impact, folks. For the first time since I’ve been unearthing these conspiracy theories, I’m in lockstep with Rodgers. (Well, that’s not entirely true. Squirrels are for sure KGB spies but I digress.) Think about it, if a martian wanted to infiltrate human society what better identity could they assume than a semi-attractive international pop star? And of course, what better romantic partner could they select than a meathead football player employed by the best team in the NFL? It would also explain why “Taylor” dislikes Elon Musk so much. She’s terrified he’ll use SpaceX to colonize Mars and expose her duplicity. It’s so obvious!

Week 14 Gold Standard Matchup: All the games

Four of the six matchups carry playoff implications, which is how it should be. However, the last Bye Week of the season may prove to be a deciding factor in who secures a postseason berth. The following players will be riding their couches in Week 14: ARich, JT, Pittman, Rhamondre, Jayden, BRob, McLaurin, Lamar, King Henry, Bo Nix, Sutton, Nico, and Mixon.

Yeah, so this should be fun.

Week 12 Recap: The Monster

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You don’t have to be an Eagles fan, a Saquon Barkley fan, or even an NFL fan to appreciate what #26 is doing in 2024. Simply put, Barkley is the fantasy MVP and real life MVP, and it’s not even close.

Will cowardly sportswriters award Barkley the MVP? Of course not. A running back hasn’t won since Adrian Peterson in 2012. Instead, they’ll give it to Josh Allen, especially if he beats Detroit in a couple of weeks. Or Lamar Jackson if he “outplays” Barkley this Sunday when the Ravens face the Eagles.

Nevertheless, the numbers tell a story of pure domination. Against the Rams, Barkley set career highs in rushing yards (255) and scrimmage yards (302). By himself, he outgained the Rams, Giants (LOL), Patriots, Colts, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals. He became only the sixth player in NFL history to have two 70-yard TDs and the first to do so in the second half.

Barkley’s 255 yards rushing on Sunday night were the most since the Chiefs’ Jamaal Charles ran for 259 against the Broncos in 2009. His 500 scrimmage yards the last two weeks are the most since Walter Payton’s 525 during a two-game span in 1977.

In the second half this season, Barkley has 920 rushing yards, a 7.9 YPC average, and seven touchdowns. He has 16 runs of at least 15 yards this year and 14 of them have been in the second half. There have been 18 runs of at least 55 yards in the second half across the league, and Barkley has FIVE of them.

Barkley leads the league in rushing with a career best 1392 yards. His 12 total touchdowns are only 4 fewer than the Giants have scored as a team. Only Barkley and Jim Brown 61 years ago have had 1300 rushing yards, a 6.2 YPC average, and 10 rushing TDs through 11 games. He also has 314 more rushing yards than any other running back in Eagles history after 11 games.

Barkley is on pace for 2,151 rushing yards and 2,548 scrimmage yards. If he gets there, both would be NFL records (with the benefit of one extra game). I could go on, but you get the point.

Let’s look in on Giants fans, shall we?

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts

The Beasts moved one step closer to capturing the New York Division in taking down the Lame Ones. Tua Tagovailoa posted his best performance of the season and appears to be getting hot at the right time. After losing to Je Ne Saquon in Week 11, Head Coach Kim Deal locked the team inside a meat locker for 24 hours to make sure they got their minds right. When questioned about her extreme methods, Deal clapped back, “We mock what we don’t understand!”

The Say Hello To My Little Friend Player of the Week: Josh Jacobs

Listen, we all know the real POTW is Saquon, but Josh Jacobs deserves a little love too. Joining Saquon, Henry, and Mixon, Jacobs has proven that running backs do matter (at least in 2024). The Packer back bullied an injury-riddled Niners defense to the tune of 109 yards and 3 TDs. Leaving the shortbus Raiders for a franchise that actually knows what it’s doing is working out great for Jacobs. Go figure.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels

275 yards passing, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. 74 yards rushing, 1 TD. Daniels tried his best to avoid being embarrassed at home, but pisspoor coaching and dogshit special teams proved too much to overcome. Damn, losing a duel to Cooper Rush has gotta sting.

LOL Image of the Week

Achane and Jonnu: 12 touchdowns. Tyreek and Waddle: 5 touchdowns. Exactly what we all thought back in August, right?

Goobers of the Week: The Cowboys and Commanders Special Teams

I could attempt to describe the absolute insanity that ensued at the end of the Cowboys-Commanders debacle, but mere words won’t do it justice. Plus, I’m lazy. Watch and enjoy (h/t Jackson Krueger Sports). Also, if you sat through this shitshow of a game from start to finish, you have my respect. But you’re sick in the head.

Nothing to See Here, Folks

Do I want to keep making fun of the Giants? Yes, yes I do. But even if I didn’t, they are leaving me no choice. If they stop being cannon fodder, I’ll lower my guns. Until such time, they are fair game.

By the way, my dream scenario is the Eagles sign Daniel Jones and start him Week 18 just so he and Saquon can destroy the Giants together. Then the circle will be complete.

The Aw Shit, Here We Go Again Injury Report

Just when you thought it was safe to feel good about your fake roster with the playoffs right around the corner, mayhem strikes again:

Gardner Minshew – Collarbone, done for season. Hard to believe investing in a journeyman backup quarterback turned out poorly for the Raiders.

Brock Purdy – Shoulder, week-to-week. He might be back this week or he could miss the rest of the season. Kyle Shanahan deserves every loss he gets for being a lying piece of shit when it comes to injuries.

JK Dobbins – Knee, unknown. There were some disturbing signs on Monday night that the Chargers might be resorting to their normal Chargers ways. Obviously a significant injury to Dobbins won’t help alleviate those concerns.

David Montgomery – Shoulder, day-to-day. C’mon, Monty. Do me a solid and sit Thanksgiving out. Enjoy some mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Gibbs can handle the backfield without you, I promise.

Brian Robinson – Ankle, unknown. Solid running back, but damn he gets hurt (and shot) a lot.

Austin Ekeler – Concussion, week-to-week. The Commanders are running out of guys at the wrong time. Their once secure playoff spot is slipping away fast.

Josh Downs – Shoulder, week-to-week. Not being able to catch any of the 10 random passes that ARich completes per game will suck.

Romeo Doubs – Concussion, week-to-week. Are any of the Packers wide receivers actually good? Bueller? Frye?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: ????????????????

We take a break from our regularly scheduled shenanigans to bring you this harbinger of doom:

Hey, rest of the NFL. How many of you would like an egotistical, gaslighting fucktard to take a flamethrower to your franchise just so he can cling to what’s left of his shrinking relevance? Browns? Raiders? Giants? Do you really want to put your front office, coaches, players, and fan bases through 12 months of agonizing torture? If the answer is yes…

Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon

The Gang will attempt to keep their playoff hopes alive in a rematch with the runaway freight train that is Je Ne Saquon. It’s Hurts vs Lamar, CMC vs Barkley, and Evans vs Irving. Weights will be lifted, laps will be run, PEDs will be injected. No excuses, no whining. Play like a champion or prepare to face a firing squad. Not a literal firing squad, although come to think of it, that would be excellent motivation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Week 11 Recap: Cat Scratch Fever

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I’ve been so preoccupied gleefully dunking on the Cowboys, Giants, and Jets that I’ve failed to recognize the juggernaut steamrolling the NFL known as the Detroit Lions. Well, it’s time to remedy this egregious oversight. The 2024 Lions are a thing, ya know, until they aren’t.

On Sunday, Detroit dropped 52 points for the second time this season in dismantling the flaccid Jags. They outgained them 645 to 170 — the third largest difference in total yards in NFL history, and the biggest since 1979. They also converted 38 (LOL) first downs.

A week removed from tossing 5 interceptions, Jared Goff threw for 412 yards and 4 touchdowns. In addition, ARSB scored a touchdown for the 8th straight game, Gibbs and Monty combined for 218 total yards and 3 scores, Jameson Williams caught 4 balls for 124 yards and a touchdown, and the defense held a broken Jags offense to 6 points.

The Lions lead the league in points scored and rank 4th in points allowed. After the refs fell asleep at the wheel and allowed the Chiefs to actually lose, the Lions are now the betting favorites to win the Super Bowl. Their upcoming schedule features games against Green Bay, Buffalo, San Francisco, and Minnesota, but it’s unlikely they’ll be underdogs in any of those matchups.

All that’s preventing the Lions from playing in February is some sort of epic collapse reserved for cursed teams that have never advanced to the Super Bowl. What are the odds of that happening?

Playoffs?!

Shutup, Jim Mora. We’re talking about playoffs whether you like it or not! Congratulations to Je Ne Saquon for capturing the Carolina Division and securing a playoff berth. After curbstomping their way through the season, they are the clear favorites to win it all, thanks to the fake MVP Lamar Jackson and the real MVP Saquon Barkley.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

The worst team in the league dropped 208 points? Where the hell did this come from? It reminds me of last season when the Raiders decapitated the Chargers 63-21, prompting the Chargers to fire head coach Brandon Staley 12 hours later. If I were Brad, I’d turn off my phone and hide out in the team facility’s broom closet for a couple of days. They can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

Are You Not Entertained Player of the Week: Taysom Hill

Before the Saints-Browns game kicked off on Sunday, Taysom Hill grabbed a mic, walked to the 50-yard-line of the Superdome, removed his helmet, and uttered the following:

My name is Taysomus Shawnimus Hillius
Commander of the Armies of the NFC South
General of the Saints Legions
Loyal servant to the true head coach, Darren Rizzi
Father to a murdered season
Husband to a murdered franchise
And I will have my vengeance -- in this life or the next

Then he took the field and ran for 138 yards and 3 touchdowns, caught 8 passes for 50 yards, and for shits and giggles, committed two turnovers. If that doesn’t perfectly encapsulate the Taysom Experience, nothing does.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Bo Nix

28/33, 307 yards, 4 TDs.

  • Quarterback A: 2338 yards passing, 68.7% completion percentage, 10 TDs, 3 INTs, 482 yards rushing, 4 TDs
  • Quarterback B: 2275 yards passing, 65.5% completion percentage, 14 TDs, 6 INTs, 295 yards rushing, 4 TDs

Quarterback A has been crowned Rookie of the Year and hailed the greatest signal-caller since Patrick Mahomes. Quarterback B has been ignored by the pundits and ridiculed for being “too old” after spending five years in college.

Unlike narratives, numbers don’t lie.

Resurrection of the Week: Anthony Richardson

Left for dead three weeks ago, Anthony Richardson reclaimed his starting role and tossed for 272 yards and scored a trio of touchdowns on Sunday. He still fumbled twice (losing one), but it was more than enough to notch the win. That’s the good news. The bad news is he beat the laughingstock Jets. The even worse news is he plays the Lions next. Godspeed ARich.

Daniel Jones: 2019-2024

Via @adamlevitan on X

It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I report the untimely benching of our dear quarterback calamity Daniel “Dimes” Jones. Excuse me, I need a minute…

Now that I’ve collected myself I’d like to bid a fond farewell to my absolute favorite first-round bust. Evidently Jones’ career record of 24-44-1 wasn’t good enough to keep his starting job. Adding insult to insult, he was also demoted to third string.

How can I go on? I’m so despondent, I’m not even sure I can continue writing this blog. It seems like only last week Jones was throwing horrific interceptions and missing wide open receivers. Oh, that was last week.

All I can do now is patiently wait until the Browns trade for Jones and sign him to a $200 million extension. Until that day arrives, I’ll always have this:

Rest easy, old friend. Your legacy lives on.

LOL Image of the Week

Source: Fantasy Life

Bless the Giants. They just can’t get out of their own way. Here’s exclusive footage of DeVito arriving at Giants practice today:

LOL Image of the Week: Part Deux

Only nine days until Giants at Cowboys on Thanksgiving! LET’S FUCKIN’ GO!!!!

Goober of the Week: Evan McPherson

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, kickers have one job. And that job isn’t shanking two field goals in a primetime defeat that severely damages a team’s chances of making the playoffs. BAN. ALL. FOOTIES.

The Puppy Sliding Down a Rainbow Injury Report

Wait, what’s this? Two consecutive weeks with NO significant injuries? Praise the Fantasy Gods!

Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. If Mooney played for either the Chiefs or Chargers, he’d be a 1200-yard, 8 TD guy. Instead he’s had to suffer through garbage Bears quarterbacks and Kirk “Defcon 1” Cousins.

Alexander Mattison and Zamir White – I’ve been told these gentlemen are running backs for the Raiders, but I can neither confirm or deny.

George Kittle and Brock Purdy – Again, every 49er from now until the end of the season should be considered week-to-week.

Jake Ferguson – Concussion, week-to-week. Grab a lifeboat while you can, Jake. The ship is sinking fast.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: He’s Been Poisoned!

Aaron Rodgers has a simple explanation for his poor performance in 2024 and you guessed it, nefarious forces are to blame. Chatter out of the Jets locker room is that Rodgers has been telling anyone who will listen that either the CIA or a foreign intelligence agency poisoned him over a month ago in an effort to torpedo his season.

An inside source revealed a conversation between Rodgers and backup quarterback Tyrod Taylor in which Rodgers said the following: “Be ready, Ty. I think they got me, brother. By got me, I mean injected me with slow-acting poison. I could pass out or drop dead any minute. I dunno who ‘they’ are but I have a few ideas. But you gotta keep this between us. They might come for you next.”

Taylor left the conversation rolling his eyes and mouthing, “He’s insane.”

Week 11 Gold Standard Matchup: Indiana SixPence vs Weiner Dogs

Playoff spots are on the line as divisional play resumes to close out the Gulfman League regular season. Both squads must endure bye week blues with Bijan, Breece, Davante, Engram, and Chase Brown all unavailable. Oof. Aren’t bye weeks awesome? It’s not at all frustrating trying to replace half your roster in a week. Anyway, good luck with that, fellas.

Até a próxima vez.

Week 10 Recap: Send in the Clowns

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The quarterback clown car was overflowing with floppy shoes and bicycle horns in Week 10. I should’ve known after Burrow and Lamar combined for over 700 yards and 8 touchdowns last Thursday night that the Sunday slate was going to be a cavalcade of ineptitude. Plug those red noses, folks.

Daniel Jones – 190 yards, 0 passing touchdowns, and 2 interceptions against the Panthers is the most Daniel Jones stat line ever. So is not throwing to a completely wide open receiver.

Jared Goff – That sound you hear is Goff’s MVP odds imploding into a cloud of dust. Five interceptions, really? The Lions are very good, but Goff’s penchant to go full Jay Cutler is concerning.

CJ Stroud – A pair of bad interceptions and 4 sacks taken. I’m beginning to think Nico Collins is more responsible for Stroud being crowned than Stroud himself.

Sam Darnold – Looks like ol’ Sammy is seeing ghosts again. Lucky for him, the Vikings defense bailed his sorry ass out. An in-season benching is very much in play.

Joe Flacco – Joey boy has tossed 4 picks and lost 2 fumbles in back-to-back losses since replacing Anthony Richardson. The Colts braintrust fucked themselves.

Mac Jones – 111 yards passing, 2 interceptions, 1 lost fumble. He did rush for the Jags only touchdown, so there’s that.

Cooper Rush – Atrocious O-line. Zeroes at RB. CeeDee lost a ball in the sun. I get it. It’s not all Cooper’s fault, but 45 passing yards and a pair of lost fumbles is pathetic.

Aaron Rodgers – “Led” the offense to 6 points, threw for 151 yards, and lost a fumble against a Cardinals defense that had allowed double-digit points in 53 straight games (LOL). On a related note, let’s see how Mike Williams is doing in Pittsburgh:

Caleb Williams – 120 yards passing and NINE sacks taken. Yes, the freshly fired offensive coordinator was a donkey, but Williams is giving me Zach Wilson vibes.

Bryce Young – 126 yards passing against the Giants. The Panthers have won two in row with Young, so there’s a non-zero chance they will pull a Giants and convince themselves they can win with Young in 2025. Spoiler: they can’t.

Trey Lance – Replaced Rush in garbage time and went 4 for 6 for 21 yards with an interception. Lance is a trainwreck, but he can run and will be much more entertaining to watch than Rush.

Will Levis (yes, THAT Will Levis) looked like Joe Montana compared to these bozos. No wonder running backs are dominating fantasy.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Indiana SixPence

Ahhh, sweet revenge for the Hoosiers. The rematch of last year’s championship tilt was a one-sided affair as the SixPence crushed the Assassins thanks to Bijan, Pickens, and the god damn Dolphins footie. Head Coach Mark Lericos was heard shouting “SUCK IT, ASSASSINS!” as he ran through the locker room after the game. It’s abundantly clear that once the stink of Dak Prescott was removed from the equation, good fortune was all but guaranteed for Indiana.

Wooderson’s “Alright, Alright, Alright” Player of the Week: Ja’Marr Chase

11 catches, 264 yards, 3 TDs. Ja’Marr Chase cut through the Ravens secondary like a combine slashes through a corn field. If Baltimore used 15 guys on defense it wouldn’t have mattered. Chase made history by becoming the first player to notch multiple games of 250+ plus yards and 2 scores. In addition, it was his third career 200-yard game to go along with a pair 190+ yard games. And he’s only 24. All due respect to Justin Jefferson, CeeDee Lamb, and anyone else of their ilk, but Chase is in a class by himself.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Bucky Irving

73 yards rushing, 1 TD, 3 catches 14 yards: The 2024 running back class has been total ass with the exception of Irving (and Ty Tracy). Irving leads the team in rushing and has helped make the Bucs one of the toughest outs in the league. At 4-6, they are far from dead. The rest of season schedule has them facing the Giants, Raiders, Chargers, Cowboys, Saints, and Panthers twice.

LOL Image of the Week

Photo by Ella Hall/Getty Images

I’d like to publicly apologize to Marquez Valdes-Scantling for besmirching his hyphenated last name last week. After catching 3 passes for 109 yards and 2 TDs to help upset the Falcons, Valdes-Scantling has restored honor to his hyphenated last name and made me look like a dumbass (I’m used to it).

Goober of the Week: Jerry Jones

Speaking of dumbasses. Another humiliating Cowboys home loss means more hilarious postgame comments from Jerry “All In” Jones. When asked about closing the shades (which do exist) in the stadium after CeeDee Lamb blamed the sun for missing a potential touchdown catch, Jerry got mega triggered:

“Well let’s tear the damn stadium down and build another one?” Jones sarcastically responded. “Are you kidding me? By the way, we know where the sun is going to be when we decide to flip the coin or not. We do know where the damn sun is going to be in our own stadium.”

Are you sure, Jerry? Kinda sounds like you don’t know. Let me help you out:

Source: Jeffrey McWhorter/AP

Here’s the official response from the other 31 teams:

Quarterbackin’ Ain’t Easy of the Week: Kyler Murray

Gawd! That looks like a lion taking down a gazelle. As awesome as that hit was, Kyler still carved up the Jets because the Jets are an abomination.

They Are Who We Thought They Were!

A FRAUD ALERT has been issued for the following teams:

New York Jets – What more needs to be said about the Jets? They are an overhyped embarrassment with a dipshit owner and a washed weirdo playing quarterback. Let’s look in on Robert Saleh:

Chicago Bears – New “generational quarterback talent,” same results. The Bears have scored 27 points in their last 3 games. This franchise is a disaster.

Atlanta Falcons – Losing to the team that just fired their head coach after they lost 7 straight games is pure Falcons. The annual Kirk Cousins primetime meltdown is imminent.

Denver Broncos – They’ve beaten the Bucs, Jets, Raiders, Saints, and Panthers, and have lost to the Seahawks, Steelers, Chargers, Ravens, and Chiefs. Sean Payton definitely has the Broncos overachieving, but this low on talent team is the definition of a pretender.

LA Rams – “Genius” Sean McVay settled for 5 field goals, including 2 inside the Dolphins 20-yard line on Monday night. And the Rams lost. If that kind of cowardly coaching can’t beat Miami, it sure as shit won’t beat elite teams.

Toilet Clogging of the Week: Darren Rizzi

Saints interim head coach Darren Rizzi had quite an eventful start to his NFL coaching career:

“This is how my day started,” Rizzi said. “I get down to the Superdome. I go in the head coach’s locker room, which I’ve never used before. So here I am, early in the morning, I go to the bathroom. This is how my day started. I clogged the toilet. I’m like, ‘This is gonna be a crappy day.’”

Rizzi, my man! You gotta lay off the gumbo the night before the game. Trust me, it’ll get you every time.

The Hallelujah Injury Report

Praise the fantasy football gods for sparing us significant injuries this week. We deserved a break from the carnage:

Trevor Lawrence – Shoulder, likely out for season. Not having to play for this abysmal Jaguars team is a blessing in disguise.

Sam LaPorta – Sprained shoulder, day-to-day. Just when he started to score touchdowns, he gets dinged.

Dalton Kincaid – Knee, week-to-week. He’s been largely useless along with rest of the Bills pass catchers.

Najee Harris – Ankle, day-to-day. Najee still sucks so any sort of ailment only serves to further diminish his value.

Aaron Jones – Chest, day-to-day. He should be fine, but he’s still tied to the albatross that is Sam Darnold.

Tank Bigsby – Ankle, week-to-week. It’s the Jags, nobody cares.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Squirrels are KGB Spies

We’re so back! After last week’s “redacted” kerfuffle, the conspiracy theories return better than ever. Today’s possibly-true-but-maybe-not insanity comes to us from a young Manhattan mother who alleges to have had a strange encounter with Rodgers in Central Park last summer.

According to her, she and her daughter were seated on a bench feeding sunflower seeds to a squirrel when Rodgers approached them with a dire warning. “Be careful, ladies. You might not be aware of this, but squirrels are Russian spies. Their cute little eyes are actually tiny cameras that feed directly to the Kremlin. You won’t hear that on CNN, but it’s all true,” Rodgers said.

Week 11 Gold Standard Matchup: Je Ne Saquon vs Furry Beasts

The league’s top two teams put on the gloves for a good old-fashioned back alley donnybrook in Week 11. It’s a brouhaha for the ages as silky smooth Saquon Barkley faces off against battering ram Derrick Henry to lay claim to the title of fantasy football’s top dawg. It’s Hagler vs Hearns. It’s Godzilla vs Mothra. It’s Harry Potter vs Voldemort. Let’s get it on! By the way, the loser gets tossed into a pool of sharks with lasers.

Audi 5000.

Week 9 Recap: 1979

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Boomer ball is back! That’s right ground-and-pound fans, 2024 fantasy football has officially been commandeered by running backs. I initially thought this was an early season anomaly impacted by the glut of wide receiver injuries and newfangled defensive schemes designed to throttle passing, but I’m ready to wave the white flag of surrender.

Nine teams are averaging over 130 rushing yards per game, and seven of those nine are averaging over 150 yards per game, with the Ravens leading the way with 192 (WTF?!). To put that in perspective, Baltimore led the league in 2023 averaging “only” 156 yards per game.

Adding fuel to this blazing inferno, running backs are also stealing receiving yards at an increased rate. Here’s what RBs did in Week 9:

  • Saquon Barkley – 199 total yards, 3 catches, 2 TDs
  • Derrick Henry – 133 total yards, 1 catch, 2 TDs
  • Devon Achane – 121 total yards, 8 catches, 2 TDs
  • JK Dobbins – 105 total yards, 2 catches, 2 TDs
  • Chase Brown – 157 total yards, 5 catches, 1 TD
  • Alvin Kamara – 215 total yards, 6 catches, 0 TDs
  • Chuba Hubbard – 72 total yards, 2 catches, 2 TDs
  • Rico Dowdle – 107 total yards, 5 catches, 1 TD
  • Joe Mixon – 106 total yards, 1 TD
  • Tony Pollard – 154 total yards, 3 catches, 0 TDs
  • James Conner – 119 total yards, 3 catches, 0 TDs
  • Bijan Robinson – 145 total yards, 7 catches, 0 TDs
  • Kareem Hunt – 117 total yards, 1 catch, 1 TD

Welcome back to 1979, when running backs ruled the NFL, gas prices were sky high, and inflation was out of control. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Weird.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Dreaded Wookilars

A huge win for the Wooks that keeps them alive in the playoff hunt. Josh Allen did Josh Allen things, and last-minute fill-in Austin Ekeler channeled the 2022 version of himself to help put the squad over the top. Head Coach Tommy Buko gave a rousing postgame speech, but was unavailable for comment because he passed out in the showers after shotgunning 36 PBRs.

Cool As Ice Player of the Week: Jaxon Smith-Njigba

7 catches, 180 yards, 2 TDs. Smith-Njigba torched the Rams (albeit in a losing effort) and brought honor to the the hyphenated last name community. Much better than Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who has brought nothing but shame to the hyphenated last name community.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Brock Bowers

5 catches, 45 yards, 1 TD. Considering Bowers has had to suffer through the three-headed beast of Gardner Minshew, Aidan O’Connell, and Desmond Ridder, it’s a minor miracle he’s been so good. Bowers leads all tight ends in receptions and yards. Sadly, he’s stuck on the Raiders, who will inevitably ruin his career by continuing to employ shitty quarterbacks and half-witted head coaches.

LOL Play of the Week/Year/Decade/Century/Millennium

In my 40 years of watching football, I can’t recall ever seeing a running back execute a sick spin move followed by a backwards hurdle. Walter Payton and Barry Sanders did some crazy shit in their day, but this is on another level.

It’s been a couple of weeks. Let’s look in on Giants fans to make sure they’re okay:

Goober of the Week: Jermaine Burton

Source: WLWT

Meet Jermaine Burton, Bengals rookie wide receiver and November cover boy for Immature Asshole magazine. Burton overslept and missed practice on Saturday. As punishment, the Bengals made him a healthy scratch for Sunday’s game against the Raiders. Giving zero fucks, Burton arrived at the stadium wearing his jammies and slippers. I’m sure that went over great with his teammates.

GTFO Catches of the Week (Year?)

#1 Garrett Wilson:

#2 DeVonta Smith:

#3 Drake London:

#4 Jahan Dotson:

#5 Demarcus Robinson:

Trade Alert: Mongo is a Cowboy!

Holy shit, what a move by the Cowboys! This guys knocks out horses!

Wait… I’m being told I have the name wrong. It’s Mingo not Mongo. Dallas acquired Panthers wide receiver Jonathan Mingo in exchange for a 4th round draft pick. He has 55 career receptions and… [checks notes]… 0 career touchdowns.

What’s Dak Prescott think about the trade?

Trade Alert: Mike Williams is a Steeler

Source: Al Pereira/GettyImages

From Aaron Rodgers to Russ Wilson. I’m not sure if that’s an upgrade or a downgrade.

The 20-Car Pileup Injury Report

Will it ever stop? No, no it won’t.

Dak Prescott – Hamstring, multiple weeks. Is he playing like trash? Yes. Does he deserve to be asked to drag this piss-poor coached and managed team through a lost season? No.

Caleb Williams – Ankle, day-to-day. Maybe remove your “generational quarterback” from a blowout loss so he doesn’t get hurt on the meaningless final play.

CeeDee Lamb – AC joint sprain, week-to-week. The hits keep on coming for Dem Boyz.

AJ Brown – Knee, day-to-day. The Eagles lie about injuries, so AJ probably misses the Dallas game so he’s ready for Washington on a short week.

Drake London – Hip, day-to-day. Hey Drake, stop doing falling headstands to celebrate touchdowns.

Chris Olave – Concussion, no timetable. That’s two concussions in less than a month. The Saints have lost 7 straight and just fired their head coach. Maybe Olave should sit the rest of this one out.

Zeke Elliott – Not All In, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Zeke has been washed since 2020, but it took the Cowboys until now to figure that out.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Redacted

I had a real humdinger from Rodgers regarding the 2024 election results, but the feds swooped in and redacted the whole damn thing. Guess Rodgers hit a little too close to home. Welp, you’ll just have to take my word that it was a doozy:

Week 10 Gold Standard Matchup: Furry Beasts vs Blind Monkeys

Buckle up, kids. Running back power will be on full display as the Beasts’ Derrick Henry and Chuba Hubbard take on the Monkeys’ Aaron Jones and Kyren Williams. Playoff positioning is at stake, so every point counts. Can Cade Otton prove he wasn’t named after an Elmore Leonard character? Will Patty Mahomes injure another of his own wide receivers? All will be revealed in Week 10.

Pe mai târziu.

Week 8 Recap: Season of the Witch

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Lock your doors, grab a crucifix, and crawl under the covers. It’s time for the Halloween edition of the Gulfman League recap. Considering the 2024 fantasy football season has been comparable to a bloody slaughter at Camp Crystal Lake, it’s only fitting to pay homage to All Hallow’s Eve and its many frightening trappings.

Just how terrifying has this season been? Let’s crack open the Necronomicon to find out. Fourteen of the top 36 draft picks have missed at least one game. Hollywood Brown, Rashee Rice, Chris Godwin, Brandon Aiyuk, Stefon Diggs, Rashid Shaheed, and Christian Kirk are all out for the season.

Meanwhile, CMC, AJ Brown, Jonathan Taylor, Puka Nacua, Isiah Pacheco, Davante Adams, Mike Evans, Ken Walker, Nico Collins, Joe Mixon, Malik Nabers, Jordan Love, Devin Singletary, Evan Engram, Tee Higgins, Keenan Allen, Derek Carr, Jordan Addison, David Njoku, and Dallas Goedert have all missed multiple games.

And it’s only Week 8. How much more can we possibly endure? I have no idea what unspeakable horrors await us in the second half of the season, but I imagine they won’t be pleasant. Hopefully, we won’t be subjected to anything as scary as this monstrosity:

Freddy Krueger’s Dream Team of the Week: Shouty’s Gang

Don’t look now, but Shouty has reeled off five straight wins, despite getting jack squat from first overall pick Christian McCaffery. General Manager/Head Coach Todd Gladfelter remains unbothered by CMC’s prolonged absence. “When you have Baker Mayfield and Daniel Jones, you don’t need CMC,” Gladfelter said.

Hannibal Lecter’s Favorite Player of the Week: Jalen Hurts

236 yards passing, 1 TD. 37 yards rushing, 3 TDs. Hurts is feeling great after dominating the Bengals, but he won’t be feeling so chipper after Hannibal kidnaps him, amputates his leg, and then serves said leg for dinner. I hear Chardonnay pairs nicely with baked leg. Also, don’t befriend cannibals. It never ends well.

Chucky’s Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels

Nursing dinged ribs, Daniels outdueled fellow rookie Caleb Williams by doing this on the final play of the game:

See the idiot in the lower left corner taunting Commanders fans WHILE Daniels was running around? Well played, sir.

Let’s look in on Bears fans:

Trick or Treat Midseason All-Star Team

We’ve reached the midway point of the 2024 fantasy football campaign, so it seems like an opportune time to call attention to the players who have earned a sack full of delicious candy, and those who deserve to have their arms bitten off before being dragged into the sewer by a deranged killer clown.

The Treats:

QB – Lamar Jackson: The beauty of owning Lamar in fantasy is you get to revel in all his glorious regular season passing and rushing production without having to suffer through his annual postseason collapse. He’s topped 23 points or more in 7 of 8 games, and leads all players in fantasy points with 225.

RB – Derrick Henry: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” Me today: “What kind of moron thought Derrick Henry was dust? Couldn’t have been me.” Big Dawg has 946 yards rushing and 11 total touchdowns in 8 games. Fuck me.

RB – Joe Mixon: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” You get the picture. Mixon narrowly beats out Saquon because he’s rushed for over 100 yards in the four games he’s started and finished. Didn’t see that coming.

WR – Ja’Marr Chase: One of the few bright spots at a position that has been decimated by injuries. Leads all wideouts in yards receiving and touchdown receptions. I have a message for Bengals owner Mike Brown. PAY THE MAN, YOU PENNY-PINCHING PRICK!

WR – Brian Thomas, Jr: Justin Jefferson and CeeDee Lamb are supposed to be awesome. But a Jaguars rookie who was considered the 4th best wide receiver prospect in the 2024 class? Not so much. He’s averaging 17.3 yards per catch and has scored 5 touchdowns.

TE – George Kittle: The last 49er standing. Unlike his brittle teammates, Kittle plays through his bumps and bruises and delivers the goods. 503 yards and 6 touchdowns are easily the best numbers from a position that has yielded mostly dogshit thus far.

The Tricks:

QB – Anthony Richardson: When Richardson actually plays, he’s been laughably pathetic. He’s completing 44.4% of his passes with 4 TDs, 7 INTs, 6 fumbles, and only 1 rushing score. He’s not just bad, he’s historically bad. And he was just benched in favor of Joe Flacco. Stick him in an iron maiden filled with starving rats.

RB – CMC: He might be back in Week 10 following the 49ers bye. Or he might not play a down this season. Who the hell knows?! The fact that Shouty’s Gang is 5-3 without him is impressive. That said, CMC should be dragged to hell by the Cenobites for boring the piss out of us with his never-ending saga.

RB – Travis Etienne: He’s essentially been replaced by Tank Bigsby. Maybe he’ll get traded to a fake contender like the Cowboys and regain relevancy. Until then, lock him inside the Amityville house and throw away the key.

WR – Chris Olave: The 13th wide receiver drafted ranks 52nd in wide receiver scoring. Olave is a perfectly cromulent player but nowhere near elite. Toss him in a river populated with flesh-eating piranha. If he’s a fast swimmer he might escape with superficial wounds.

WR – Jaylen Waddle: Without Tua, utterly useless. With Tua, borderline useless. Waddle is sentenced to stand in front of a mirror and say “Candyman” five times. That’s a less severe punishment than his fellow Alabama wide receiver teammates have received. Henry Ruggs is in prison for driving drunk and killing a woman, Jameson Williams is serving a suspension for juicing, and Jerry Jeudy is a Cleveland Brown.

TE – Sam LaPorta: 18 catches and only 1 TD in 7 games is not 3rd round material. Maybe if he switches to fullback he’ll actually be worth a damn. Chain his ankle to a bathroom pipe and leave him a hacksaw. That’ll teach him a lesson.

Chainsaw Massacre of the Week: Detroit Lions

The Lions carved up the Titans worse than Leatherface hacks up stranded teenagers. I’m not even sure how a modern NFL team scores 52 points with only 94 yards passing, but here we are. Add it to the expanding list of weird shit that is defining the 2024 season. David Montgomery ran and threw for a touchdown, Kalif Raymond scored on a 90-yard punt return and caught another touchdown on the ensuing drive. I think I saw Barry Sanders punch one in for good measure. For their efforts, the Titans will be burned at the stake while being pummeled with rocks.

Dead Rising of the Week: Jameis Winston

The Jameis Experience is back! Just when you thought the crab thief was out, the perpetually dysfunctional Cleveland Browns pull him back in. The man responsible for the magical 5000 yards, 33 TD, 30 INT 2019 season returned under center and mowed through the Ravens like Michael Myers mowed through the town of Haddonfield. 334 yards, 3 TDs, and shockingly, only 1 turnover. He’ll no doubt be benched at some point in the near future, but until that day arrives we can all sit back and enjoy the show.

Unsolved Mystery of the Week: The O-Lineman Dive

Why did Bears offensive coordinator Shane Waldron call an O-Lineman dive at the 1-yard line (that resulted in a catastrophic fumble) rather than hand the ball to an actual running back? Pundits and scholars are dumbfounded. Was it a simple lapse in judgment or was something more sinister at play?

Trade Alert: Diontae Johnson is a Raven

Source: Bob Donnan-Imagn Images

I’m sure Johnson will love getting 3 targets while Derrick Henry and Lamar run for 200 yards. Unless he can play cornerback, this trade makes zero sense.

The “Not the Bees” Injury Report

For the love of God, make it stop!!!

Jordan Love – Strained groin, week-to-week. Maybe the Packers can trade for Aaron Rodgers.

Drake Maye – Concussion, week-to-week. If I were Maye, I’d keep “failing” the concussion protocol test until January.

Stefon Diggs – Knee, out for the season. Welp, looks like Joe Mixon will be getting 40 carries per game.

Tee Higgins – Quad, day-to-day. Bengals with Higgins, 3-2. Bengals without Higgins, 0-3.

Christian Kirk – Broken collarbone, out for season. Not having to finish out the Jaguars season seems like a win.

Gabe Davis – Shoulder, week-to-week. Does he really want to come back? Probably not.

Brian Thomas, Jr – Chest contusion, day-to-day. For those keeping score at home, the Jaguars top three wide receivers all suffered injuries on Sunday. Did someone open an umbrella in the locker room before the game?

Tyrone Tracy – Concussion, week-to-week. Playing for the Giants must be like living in a zombie apocalypse. There’s no escape.

Jordan Mason (shoulder) and Deebo Samuel (oblique) – I’m sick and tired of tracking all the 49ers injuries. From here on out, let’s just assume all of their RBs and WRs are week-to-week.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Halloween is a Covert Op

After hearing for years through the NFL grapevine that Rodgers wrote a wackadoo Halloween manifesto, a deeply embedded source recently sent me the following, which may or may not be a section of the manifesto in question:

You might believe Halloween is a fun night for children, or another excuse for adults to party, but it’s not. In reality, it’s a government op. A massive coordinated effort to spy on Americans and keep them in check. The CIA, FBI, NSA, Homeland Security are all in on it. They lace the candy with mind-altering sedatives that suppress critical thinking. It’s not a sugar coma, it’s a thought coma. Costumes are outfitted with tiny cameras that record home addresses and download them to a central database. You think trick or treaters are just kids in masks? Well, they aren’t. One out of ten is a CIA asset tasked to infiltrate neighborhoods and quell dissent. This covert campaign is even more widespread during an election year. Stay diligent. Be aware. Trust no one.

Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Indiana SixPence

SixPence looks to snap Shouty’s win streak and stay alive in the playoff hunt. It’s Hurts versus Dak, Robinson versus Robinson, and Tucker versus Seibert. When asked about a possible quarterback change, Indiana Head Coach Mark Lericos once again rushed to the defense of choke artist Dak Prescott. “Listen, we’re all in with Dak. Yes, he’s been heinous, but he’s working through it. What part of ALL IN do you not understand!?”

Farvel for nå.