Tag Archives: aaron-rodgers

Week 12 Recap: The Monster

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You don’t have to be an Eagles fan, a Saquon Barkley fan, or even an NFL fan to appreciate what #26 is doing in 2024. Simply put, Barkley is the fantasy MVP and real life MVP, and it’s not even close.

Will cowardly sportswriters award Barkley the MVP? Of course not. A running back hasn’t won since Adrian Peterson in 2012. Instead, they’ll give it to Josh Allen, especially if he beats Detroit in a couple of weeks. Or Lamar Jackson if he “outplays” Barkley this Sunday when the Ravens face the Eagles.

Nevertheless, the numbers tell a story of pure domination. Against the Rams, Barkley set career highs in rushing yards (255) and scrimmage yards (302). By himself, he outgained the Rams, Giants (LOL), Patriots, Colts, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals. He became only the sixth player in NFL history to have two 70-yard TDs and the first to do so in the second half.

Barkley’s 255 yards rushing on Sunday night were the most since the Chiefs’ Jamaal Charles ran for 259 against the Broncos in 2009. His 500 scrimmage yards the last two weeks are the most since Walter Payton’s 525 during a two-game span in 1977.

In the second half this season, Barkley has 920 rushing yards, a 7.9 YPC average, and seven touchdowns. He has 16 runs of at least 15 yards this year and 14 of them have been in the second half. There have been 18 runs of at least 55 yards in the second half across the league, and Barkley has FIVE of them.

Barkley leads the league in rushing with a career best 1392 yards. His 12 total touchdowns are only 4 fewer than the Giants have scored as a team. Only Barkley and Jim Brown 61 years ago have had 1300 rushing yards, a 6.2 YPC average, and 10 rushing TDs through 11 games. He also has 314 more rushing yards than any other running back in Eagles history after 11 games.

Barkley is on pace for 2,151 rushing yards and 2,548 scrimmage yards. If he gets there, both would be NFL records (with the benefit of one extra game). I could go on, but you get the point.

Let’s look in on Giants fans, shall we?

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts

The Beasts moved one step closer to capturing the New York Division in taking down the Lame Ones. Tua Tagovailoa posted his best performance of the season and appears to be getting hot at the right time. After losing to Je Ne Saquon in Week 11, Head Coach Kim Deal locked the team inside a meat locker for 24 hours to make sure they got their minds right. When questioned about her extreme methods, Deal clapped back, “We mock what we don’t understand!”

The Say Hello To My Little Friend Player of the Week: Josh Jacobs

Listen, we all know the real POTW is Saquon, but Josh Jacobs deserves a little love too. Joining Saquon, Henry, and Mixon, Jacobs has proven that running backs do matter (at least in 2024). The Packer back bullied an injury-riddled Niners defense to the tune of 109 yards and 3 TDs. Leaving the shortbus Raiders for a franchise that actually knows what it’s doing is working out great for Jacobs. Go figure.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels

275 yards passing, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. 74 yards rushing, 1 TD. Daniels tried his best to avoid being embarrassed at home, but pisspoor coaching and dogshit special teams proved too much to overcome. Damn, losing a duel to Cooper Rush has gotta sting.

LOL Image of the Week

Achane and Jonnu: 12 touchdowns. Tyreek and Waddle: 5 touchdowns. Exactly what we all thought back in August, right?

Goobers of the Week: The Cowboys and Commanders Special Teams

I could attempt to describe the absolute insanity that ensued at the end of the Cowboys-Commanders debacle, but mere words won’t do it justice. Plus, I’m lazy. Watch and enjoy (h/t Jackson Krueger Sports). Also, if you sat through this shitshow of a game from start to finish, you have my respect. But you’re sick in the head.

Nothing to See Here, Folks

Do I want to keep making fun of the Giants? Yes, yes I do. But even if I didn’t, they are leaving me no choice. If they stop being cannon fodder, I’ll lower my guns. Until such time, they are fair game.

By the way, my dream scenario is the Eagles sign Daniel Jones and start him Week 18 just so he and Saquon can destroy the Giants together. Then the circle will be complete.

The Aw Shit, Here We Go Again Injury Report

Just when you thought it was safe to feel good about your fake roster with the playoffs right around the corner, mayhem strikes again:

Gardner Minshew – Collarbone, done for season. Hard to believe investing in a journeyman backup quarterback turned out poorly for the Raiders.

Brock Purdy – Shoulder, week-to-week. He might be back this week or he could miss the rest of the season. Kyle Shanahan deserves every loss he gets for being a lying piece of shit when it comes to injuries.

JK Dobbins – Knee, unknown. There were some disturbing signs on Monday night that the Chargers might be resorting to their normal Chargers ways. Obviously a significant injury to Dobbins won’t help alleviate those concerns.

David Montgomery – Shoulder, day-to-day. C’mon, Monty. Do me a solid and sit Thanksgiving out. Enjoy some mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Gibbs can handle the backfield without you, I promise.

Brian Robinson – Ankle, unknown. Solid running back, but damn he gets hurt (and shot) a lot.

Austin Ekeler – Concussion, week-to-week. The Commanders are running out of guys at the wrong time. Their once secure playoff spot is slipping away fast.

Josh Downs – Shoulder, week-to-week. Not being able to catch any of the 10 random passes that ARich completes per game will suck.

Romeo Doubs – Concussion, week-to-week. Are any of the Packers wide receivers actually good? Bueller? Frye?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: ????????????????

We take a break from our regularly scheduled shenanigans to bring you this harbinger of doom:

Hey, rest of the NFL. How many of you would like an egotistical, gaslighting fucktard to take a flamethrower to your franchise just so he can cling to what’s left of his shrinking relevance? Browns? Raiders? Giants? Do you really want to put your front office, coaches, players, and fan bases through 12 months of agonizing torture? If the answer is yes…

Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon

The Gang will attempt to keep their playoff hopes alive in a rematch with the runaway freight train that is Je Ne Saquon. It’s Hurts vs Lamar, CMC vs Barkley, and Evans vs Irving. Weights will be lifted, laps will be run, PEDs will be injected. No excuses, no whining. Play like a champion or prepare to face a firing squad. Not a literal firing squad, although come to think of it, that would be excellent motivation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Week 7 Recap: Paper Planes

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Let’s point and laugh at the New York Jets, shall we? Sure, the Jets are low-hanging fruit, but prolonged incompetence deserves ridicule. I mean, the last time they made the playoffs, Mark ‘Butt Fumble’ Sanchez was the starting quarterback. Since that time, the likes of Geno Smith (the bad version), Ryan Fitzpatrick, Josh McCown, Bryce Petty, Mike White, and colossal first-rounds busts Sam Darnold and Zach Wilson have attempted to complete passes for the Jets.

Which brings us to would-be savior Aaron Rodgers. Setting aside his 2023 season that hilariously ended with a ruptured Achilles after 4 snaps, Rodgers was supposed to — at the very least — make the Jets a contender in 2024. Not a 2-5 laughing stock that has scored less than 20 points in 4 of 7 games. Not a 2-5 calamity that has only beaten the Titans and Patriots (who are a combined 2-11). Not a 2-5 embarrassment that has lost to Bo Nix, Sam Darnold (lol), and the corpse of Russell Wilson.

Yeah, so this team stinks. Not just a normal stink, but the kind of eye-watering gagging stink normally reserved for rotting roadside animal carcasses baking in the hot desert sun. Or the kind of stink found in the shit-strewn bathroom of an Edinburgh betting shop:

Maybe the Jets will take advantage of a soft schedule and make a playoff run. Or maybe they’ll continue to stink worse than a baby’s diaper. Either way, we’ll continue to be fed a steady diet of Aaron Rodgers’ obfuscating and gaslighting, which is all that really matters.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: The Carolina Division

In Week 7, the Carolina Division executed a clean sweep of the New York Division, going 6-0. This rare feat has never before been accomplished in the storied history of the Gulfman League. Actually, I have no idea if that’s true. But if you think I’m going to comb through the archives to fact check myself, you’re fucking insane. It sounds legit, so I’m going with it.

Jeff Spicoli’s Totally Awesome Player of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs

116 yards rushing, 2 TDs. 4 catches for 44 yards. All Gibbs needs is some tasty waves and a cool buzz and he’ll be fine. That said, he’d be even finer if David Montgomery was kidnapped by the CIA and locked away at a Black Site until January. I don’t want Monty tortured (severely) or anything like that, but his temporary absence would really help my fantasy team. C’mon CIA, stop tracking which porn sites I frequent and do something constructive with your time.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Brian Thomas, Jr.

5 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD. Trevor Lawrence still sucks. Doug Pederson is still going to get canned. But Thomas looks like a keeper. Dare I say it, he looks better than his former LSU teammate Malik Nabers. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Nabers Nation!

Goober of the Week: 49ers Kicker

The guy has one job. What are we even doing here? I had a dog that kicked better than this dolt. Enough is enough. Ban all footies!

LOL Image of the Week

Source: CBS Sports

I’m just gonna leave this here…

You’re the Best… Around?

Last year’s Super Bowl quarterbacks, Patrick Mahomes and Brock Purdy, combined for 366 passing yards, 0 passing touchdowns, and 5 interceptions on Sunday. That seems bad. In addition, this dynamic duo combined for 66 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground. That seems, uh, good?

By the way, Patty Boy has 6 TDs and 8 INTs through six games. And he’s the MVP front runner. And the Chiefs are 6-0. And everyone agrees they are still the best team in football. Man, I can’t wait for them to beat the Lions 16-12 in Super Bowl LIX. Good times.

Ezekiel 25:17 of the Week: Saquon Barkley

Who saw this coming? Oh, that’s right, everyone. Saquon Barkley returned to the Meadowlands amid a steady rain of boos and destroyed the Giants to the tune of 187 total yards and a touchdown. He averaged 10.4 yards per carry and had runs of 55 and 41 yards. And his personal guarantee ass-kicking would’ve been even more convincing if his dipshit head coach didn’t call a pair of Brotherly Shoves at the goal line.

Giants owner John Mara said the following to GM Joe Schoen during Hard Knocks this summer: I’m gonna have a tough time sleeping if Saquon goes to Philadelphia, I’ll tell you that.”

And then Schoen happily let Barkley go to Philadelphia. Let’s look in on Giants fans:

Dr. Nick’s Injury Report

Behold, your weekly dose of crippling depression!

Deshaun Watson – Ruptured Achilles, OUT FOR SEASON. I have two words for Tuggy:

Jayden Daniels – Ribs, week-to-week. Nothing to see here, folks. It’s not as if he has a history of running recklessly and fails to protect himself when getting hit. Oh wait, what’s this?

Aidan O’Connell – Broken thumb, out 4-6 weeks. No one cares.

Chris Godwin – Dislocated ankle, out for the season. He will rise again… in 2025… as a 29-year-old free agent… coming off major ankle surgery… Godspeed.

Brandon Aiyuk – Torn ACL, out for the season. Well, at least he got paid.

Deebo Samuel – Pneumonia, no timetable. Have the 49ers been eating Soylent Green?

DK Metcalf – Sprained MCL, week-to-week. Can I go one fucking week without losing a wide receiver?! Apparently not.

Mike Evans – Hamstring, at least a month. Hey look, another star wide receiver pulled a hammy. How very 2024.

JuJu Smith-Schuster – Hamstring, week-to-week. He’s old and washed up, but that won’t prevent him from winning another Super Bowl in February.

Tua Tagovailoa – Concussion, set to return. Tua is on track to play six weeks after sustaining the third major concussion of his career. What could possibly go wrong?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: UFOs are Piloted by Bigfoot

Many years ago, as the story goes, Rodgers held a youth football camp just outside Green Bay in the town of Ashwaubenon. As the camp concluded, Rodgers treated the kids to dinner at a nearby Culver’s. While the hungry campers delightfully devoured their tasty ButterBurgers and yummy frozen custard, Rodgers spun a yarn about a UFO that crashed in the forests of Western Oregon in the late 1970s.

According to Rodgers, investigators found tufts of thick brown fur inside the saucer-like craft. Deeper analysis determined the fur wasn’t animal or simian, but instead “otherworldly.” Rodgers told the wide-eyed tykes he himself conducted extensive independent research and concluded the fur belonged to the elusive Pacific Northwest legend known as Bigfoot.

Rodgers’ theory is that Bigfoot (Bigfeet?) is an alien species that has been visiting Earth for generations, gathering valuable samples from the planet’s forests, thus explaining the random sightings over the last few decades.

With their bellies filled and minds blown, Rodgers sent the impressionable young lads out into the world believing that UFOs are piloted by Bigfoot. Yeah, so that happened.

Week 8 Gold Standard Matchup: Character Assassins vs Lame Excuses

Two of the Gulfman League’s top scoring squads will draw sabers in Week 8. The Assassins will be without Nico and DK, while the Lame ones do battle sans Godwin, and likely Deebo. Aren’t injuries and hospitalizations fun? When asked about the lack of production from replacement players, Assassins Head Coach Scott Tunstall went on a bit of a tirade:

“This is why I don’t read the newspaper, because it’s garbage! Attacking a bench player for being untalented. Where are we at in society today? Come after me, I’m a man, I’M 50!! Write something about me, not a scrub who isn’t athletic or skilled. It makes me wanna puke,” Tunstall said.

Arrivederci.