The Dallas Cowboys are the gift that keeps on giving. One week after blowing out the Browns on the road, the artists formerly known as “America’s Team” returned to Texas for their home opener. Dak and CeeDee both got paid. Jerry Jones just celebrated his 812th birthday. Things were looking up in Big D. A 2-0 start was in their grasp.

All dem boyz had to do was beat the Saints. Yeah, the Saints crushed the Panthers in Week 1, but that was the Panthers, the league’s official doormat. No way they were going to march into Jerry World and snap the Cowboys 16-game regular-season home winning streak. Not with doofus Derek Carr and washed Alvin Kamara. Not as 6-point underdogs. Not gonna happen.

Final Score: *Saints 44, Cowboys 19

Alright, let’s settle down. There’s a logical explanation for this appalling turn of events. The Cowboys players and coaches were obviously exhausted from the Week 1 Victory Parade. All that nonstop celebrating and carousing must’ve tuckered them out. Who among us can’t relate?

So they were a little off their game, no big deal. I have faith the Cowboys will rip off 3 straight wins which will be more than enough to convince their delusional fan base the Super Bowl train is back on the tracks.

*Note: The Saints might actually be good

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Lame Excuses

After their excruciating 1-point loss in Week 1, the Excuses rebounded by obliterating the Ninjas by 54. The lamest of the lame netted a league-high 166.7 points with all 9 positions scoring in double digits. Head Coach/General Manager Lee Brown credits an intense regimen of freebasing cocaine and vodka IVs for his team’s success. “That’s how champions are made,” Brown said.

WOOOOOOO!!! of the Week: Alvin Kamara

After racking 180 total yards and 4 TDs on Sunday, Kamara took to the mic:

“I’m Alvin Kamara! The stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun! All the women want to be with me, all the men want to be like me. If you don’t like it, learn to love it!”

Offseason reports of Kamara’s demise appear to be fake news.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Marvin Harrison, Jr.

Week 1: 1 catch, 4 yards. Catapult him into the sun.

Week 2: 4 catches, 130 yards, 2 TDs. Fit him for a gold jacket.

Premature panic-button-pushers take note.

Goober of the Week: Will Levis

Will Levis attempts a lateral. Hilarity ensues.

A Tale of Two Kickers

Did anyone watch the Giants-Commanders game? Nobody? Well, I sure as hell did. And let me tell you, it was all I hoped it could be and more. Sit back and relax ladies and gents while I tell the tale of two kickers.

Giants footie Graham Gano entered Sunday’s fray with an ailing groin. Head Coach Brian Daboll was well aware of this, but rather than call up a kicker from the practice squad, he decided to gamble on Gano’s groin. Sure enough, Gano pulled his hamstring on the opening kickoff (likely due in part to said sore groin) and was lost for the entire game.

Punter Jamie Gillan was called upon to fill in for Gano, but he shanked a first quarter PAT wide right and immediately landed in Daboll’s dog house. The Giants would shockingly score two more touchdowns, led by Week 1 Recap cover boy Daniel Jones, who looked semi-competent for most of the game. Alas, Daboll’s garbage two-point conversion plays failed both times, leaving Big Blue with only 18 points.

Meanwhile, the Commanders had kicker issues of their own entering Sunday. Incumbent footie Cade York was canned 6 days prior in favor of Austin Seibert, a journeyman who has been kicking around (see what I did there?) the league for five years. In his first action since 2023, Seibert nailed all 7 of his attempts, thus accounting for all 21 of the Commanders points.

Honestly, I can’t decide which side of this story is more pathetic. On one hand, the Giants stepped on an obvious landmine and paid the price. On the other hand, Washington had to kick 7 field goals to come out on top. But hey, a win is a win.

Let’s look in on Giants fans:

LOL Image of the Week

On the left is Caleb Williams, the latest “generational quarterback talent” perplexed as to why NFL defenses are better than college defenses. On the right is DJ Moore, the latest Bears wide receiver having his career ruined by an atrocious quarterback. I can’t imagine why Moore is so upset. It’s not as if Justin Fields, who Moore had a career-best season with in 2023, and who the Bears traded to Pittsburgh for a conditional 6th-round pick, is leading his new team to a 2-0 record while Moore rots in purgatory.

Maximum Carnage Injury Report

I love the smell of antiseptic in the morning. Smells like… defeat.

CMC – Placed on IR with a calf strain. Out at least 4 games, possibly more. It’s almost like he’s an aging workhorse running back with a significant injury history.

Justin Jefferson – Quad contusion. Doesn’t seem serious but that’s what we heard all August about CMC.

AJ Brown – Week-to-week with a bad hammy. The lingering hamstring injury has torpedoed many a fantasy season.

Joe Mixon – Ankle. No timetable for return. I had no idea Mixon was a Texan. The last Texans running back I remember is Arian Foster.

Puka Nacua – Out at least 3 more games. Last seen chasing a black cat underneath a step ladder.

Cooper Kupp – Out at least of few weeks with a sprained ankle. Last seen shattering a mirror while hanging a horseshoe with the ends pointing down.

Isiah Pacheco – Out 6-8 weeks with a fractured fibula. Don’t worry, the referees will make sure the Chiefs will be fine.

Hollywood Brown – Shoulder surgery, maybe out for the season. Don’t worry, the referees will make sure the Chiefs will be fine.

Ken Walker – Week-to-week with an oblique. Hey, that rhymes!

Deebo Samuel – Out at least 2 weeks with a strained calf. Another 49er with a strained calf? This reeks of sabotage. Something is rotten in the state of San Francisco! Or maybe the players need more potassium.

Monday Night Meltdown

The fallout from the Eagles brutal faceplant against the Falcons on Monday night has been glorious. Eagles fans are nothing if not calm and rational after their beloved Birds suffer a devastating loss.

The mobs of pitchfork-toting maniacs have issued the following demands:

-Fire Nick Sirianni, Kellen Moore, and Vic Fangio

-Send Saquon Barkley back to the Giants

-Bench Jalen Hurts

-Freeze the defensive line in carbonite

-Sentence DeVonta Smith to 6 months of hard labor

-Exile Darius Slay to an island in the South Pacific

As you can see, things are going great. Next week the AJ Brown-less Eagles play the Saints in New Orleans. What could possibly go wrong?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Dinosaurs Built the Pyramids

A deleted excerpt from the biography Out of the Darkness: The Mystery of Aaron Rodgers:

Rodgers stood beneath a neon Coors Light sign hanging in front of the SoHo dive bar. The sign flickered and buzzed, bathing his bearded face in a harsh red glow. He lifted the shrinking joint, paused for a brief moment, then took a quick, controlled hit. His eyes narrowed and a sly grin formed on his lips. “The pyramids, the ones in Egypt,” he said, speaking to no one in particular. “Aliens didn’t build them. It wasn’t ramps or canals either. Nope. It was dinosaurs… and I can prove it.”

Still grinning, Rodgers flicked what remained of the joint onto the sidewalk, shoved his hands deep inside the pockets of his wool overcoat, and leisurely strolled up the street, quietly disappearing into the night.

Week 3 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Je Ne Saquon

A battle of undefeated teams highlights the Week 3 slate. It’s an old fashioned running back showdown that would make 1978 smile as Gibbs and Achane do battle against Barkley and Kamara. Hide the women and children, this one could get ugly. The winner remains unbeaten. The loser moves to a cabin in the woods to reevaluate their life choices.

Until next week, sayonara.