It was a bad week for fans of competitive football. Lopsided games were all the rage. Behold, the final scores!
- 37-10
- 34-10
- 32-13
- 38-20
- 40-9
- 30-16
- 26-15
- 23-3
- 44-24
- 38-14
- 35-25
- 28-7
And the Raiders, Jaguars, and Cardinals were on a bye or it would’ve been worse. Yeah, the season is going great.
And because the football Gods have a cruel sense of humor, the lone close game was Jets-Bengals, a game only masochists sat down to watch. A duel between recently benched Justin Fields and 40-year-old Joe Flacco. A game the Jets won, which only serves to fuck up the chances they will secure the number one overall pick in the 2026 Draft, something they desperately need (along with a new owner and head coach).
Peeking at the Week 9 schedule and, hoo boy, it looks grim. But hey, at least we get another round of Chiefs vs Bills. The nonstop fellating of Patty Mahomes and Josh Allen by all of sports media should be fun… right?
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft
Schrody knocked off the mighty Lame ones and did so with Quentin Johnston doing his annual October disappearing act and Deebo doing Deebo things like bungling gimme screen passes that turn into interceptions. Fortunately, Love, Cook, and Goedert showed up to work and kicked ass. As long as Schrody keeps zeroes like QJ and Deebo on the bench, they’ll be just fine.
The Groovy Player of the Week: Tucker Kraft
7 catches, 143 yards, 2 TDs. Seems only fitting that on National Tight Ends Day that a tight end win this coveted award. Kraft pretty much wrecked the fraud Steelers all by himself. His performance also vaulted him up the all-time Kraft rankings.
#1 Kraft Mac & Cheese
#2 Kraftwerk
#3 Tucker Kraft
#4 Massage Parlor Bob Kraft
#5 Austrian Ski Jumper Stefan Kraft
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bijan Robinson
48 total yards, 0 TDs, 1 lost fumble. The Falcons have now been shutout by the Panthers and destroyed at home by the Pretty Porpoises. I feel sorry for Bijan. He’s destined to waste his prime years anchored to a franchise mired in mediocrity that continues to crush the hopes of its tortured fanbase year after year.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey
7 carries, 46 yards, 2 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yards, 1 TD. Of course Harvey waited until he played my shitty team to deliver a breakout performance. Every god damn Bronco except Courtland Sutton scored against the LOL Cowboys. I blame Chauncey Billups. He obviously rigged the game to screw me. It’s the only logical explanation.
LOL Image of the Week
What the hell is going on with the Steelers throwback uniforms? These things are hideous. Need I remind you, this isn’t the first time they’ve committed fashion murder.
Somehow this franchise has 6 Super Bowl wins.
The Black Knight Injury Report
The Black Knight always triumphs, so there isn’t much to report this week.
Cam Skattebo – Ankle, OUT FOR SEASON. Good night, sweet prince. Your reckless abandon running style and penchant to headbutt the nearest wall will be missed.
Quinshon Judkins – Shoulder, day-to-day. He should be fine. Well, the shoulder should be fine. He still plays for the Browns.
Saquon Barkley – Groin, day-to-day. The 2024 Saquon finally made an appearance on Sunday. Thanks for waiting 8 weeks. I really appreciate it.
Terrry McLaurin – Quad, unknown. Not So Scary Terry returned from his quad injury and promptly aggravated said quad. Well done.
Joe Flacco – Shoulder, day-to-day. Losing to the Jets is injury enough.
Carson Wentz – Shoulder, OUT FOR SEASON. The 2025 Carson Wentz Experience ends with 6 TDs, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, and 19 sacks taken.
The Hey NFL, Go Fuck Yourself of the Week: Al Michaels
Al Michaels has had it with the NFL’s bullshit. Some dickless flunky called into the booth on Thursday Night Football to “correct” Michaels’ assertion that Will Reichard’s lone missed field goal this season hit a wire during one of the godawful London games the league subjects players and fans to every fucking season.
The kick in question from Week 5:
I’m no Abraham Zapruder but it sure looks like that football makes an abrupt right turn. The league disagrees:
Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs Wookilars
A pair of 6-2 squads throwing down highlights the Week 9 slate. We get Mahomes vs Allen, Lamb vs The Sun God, and JT vs Kyren. Now we’re talking! As long as JT doesn’t rush for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, this one should be close. What are the odds that happens?
Stud Running Back 