You know some shit went down when I’m dedicating time to talk about kickers. Anyone who has taken a cursory glance at these recaps is well aware I despise footies. I loathe them with every fiber of my being. They are, without question, a blight on the NFL and the world at large.
Despite my best efforts to cast out these demons, they still remain, like an incurable plague sweeping across the league. An evil presence whose sole reason for existing is to fuck up my football viewing experience. If it were socially acceptable to burn them at the stake, I would do so without remorse. Instead, I get to spew bile and vitriol as I detail how this scourge ruined Week 3.
Our descent into the abyss begins with the monumentally stupid Atlanta Falcons. Ya see, the Falcons cut Younghoe Koo after he missed a Week 1 kick that would’ve sent the game into overtime versus the rival Bucs. Okay fine, Koo sucked. His replacement, Parker Romo, would proceed to go 5-5 in a Week 2 victory over the Vikings. Problem solved, right? WRONG. Romo lived up to his shrivels in the spotlight last name by going 0-2 as the Falcons were humiliated 30-0 by the — checks notes — Panthers?!
Don’t go changin’, Falcons.
The Packers pulled a Cowboys and anointed themselves Super Bowl Champions after a 2-0 start. As punishment, Brandon McManus had his potential game-winning field goal blocked by the Browns, who rubbed salt in the wound by booting a 55-yarder to secure the win as the clock struck zero.
The Bucs rode the footie rollercoaster on Sunday too. Chase McLaughlin hit a quintet of field goals, including the game-winner as time expired, but also had one blocked and returned for a touchdown. Lucky for Tampa they were playing the Jets, who of course squandered the kick-six because they’re the Jets.
However, the coup de grâce of kicking calamities came courtesy of the Los Angeles Rams’ Joshua Karty.
Pathetic, bum kicker. Truer words have never been typed. Karty had another kick blocked earlier but this one sealed the Rams collapse after building a 26-7 lead early in the second half. And yes, I’m aware the protection was garbage, but I refuse to grant any footie a reprieve, no matter how compelling the evidence presented.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Weiner Dogs
The tubular canines rode the dynamic duo of Lamar/Gibbs to victory, but also got a D/ST performance for the ages from the Vikings that included 2 TDs, 2 INTs, 5 forced fumbles, and 4 sacks. Jesus H Christ, it’s as if they were playing a high school team! Or, ya know, the Joe Burrowless Bengals.
The There Can Be Only One Player of the Week: Caleb Williams
19-28, 298 yards, 4 TDs. The latest generational quarterback prospect actually looked good on Sunday. I’d love to give Caleb all the credit but the Cowboys LOL defense really made things easy for him:
Is that bad? Seems bad.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Russell Wilson
After lighting up the LOL Cowboys in Week 2, Mr. Unlimited crashed back down to earth against the Chiefs, tossing for a pathetic 160 yards and 2 interceptions. The following series is vintage New York Giants football:
And right on cue, rookie Jaxson Dart has been named the starter. Why did it take 3 weeks?
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Omarion Hampton
70 yards rushing, 1 TD; 6 catches for 59 yards. I’d like to thank Omarion for saving his rookie breakout game for the week I benched him. I feel great. No really, I couldn’t be happier for the kid. I’m not the slightest bit mad. Nope, not at all.
WTF Throw of the Week: Cam Ward
This was Ward’s first pass of the game. I get he’s a rookie but holy shit that was awful.
Head Coach Bludgeoning of the Week: Dan Quinn
First we have Chiefs players taking each other out, now we have backup quarterbacks targeting their own head coaches.
That’s clearly elder abuse. If I were Quinn, I’d trade Marcus Mariota to the Browns as payback.
The Overlook Hotel Injury Report
And I thought last week was a blood bath.
CeeDee Lamb – High ankle sprain, 3-4 weeks. Things continue to spiral in Big D. At this point, it’s just sad. Hilarious, but sad.
James Conner – Broken ankle, SEASON OVER. A severe ankle injury for a 30-year-old RB likely ends his career. Too bad, I’ve always liked Conner.
Najee Harris – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. First a fireworks-related eye injury, now an Achilles tear. The Chargers need to banish Najee to the hinterlands. The last thing they need after a 3-0 start is a bad luck charm limping around the locker room.
Tyrone Tracy – Shoulder, week-to-week. I predict Tracy will leave via free agency in 2 years and instantly become an MVP candidate with his new team. Hey, it’s worked for Saquon and Danny Dimes.
Mike Evans – Hamstring, week-to-week. Evans ranks 9th on the all-time receiving touchdowns list with 106. Remember when he made Johnny Manziel look competent? Good times.
Terry McLaurin- Quad strain, unknown. The Commanders roster is comprised of 30 guys that are 29 or older. Injuries are already starting to pile up. By December, this team is going to be a full blown MASH unit.
Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week
“You’ve got to have something that comes your way that’s really special,” Jones said. “And if you’ve got the currency to do it, which in this case it would be draft picks, we’ll do it.”
Jerry Jones on using draft picks from micah parsons trade
Something “special” like say, I dunno, Micah Parsons? I hope Jerry lives to be a 1000 years old.
Week 4 Gold Standard Matchup: Purdy Mouth vs Wookilars
Grab the popcorn for this New York Division battle. It’s Josh Allen taking on Kyler Murray! Hmm… that’s a huge mismatch. Okay, we also have the Sun God throwing down with Jamar Chase! But Chase has Jake Browning as his quarterback. Umm, that’s not great either. Hold on a second, JSN faces off with Waddle, and Kraft duels Njoku! Okay, that levels the playing field. Whew! Bottom line: I promise this will be a fantastic matchup. It won’t be one-sided at all. Trust me.
Stud Running Back 