I should’ve known the 2024 NFL season was veering into strange territory on opening night when Isiah Likely and Xavier Worthy (remember them?) were the standouts. Three short weeks later and the season has descended into utter chaos.

Sam Darnold leads the league in passing touchdowns. Jordan Mason and JK Dobbins rank second and third in rushing. Alec Pierce has more receiving yards than CeeDee Lamb. Dallas Goedert had more yards in Week 3 than Travis Kelce and Mark Andrews have combined on the season.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. A cat and dog were playing together at the Giants-Browns game. Frank the rabbit from Donnie Darko was spotted on the Seahawks’ sidelines. A smoke monster was seen inside the Titans locker room. Chupacabras were selling gumbo at the Superdome. A UFO crashed outside Raymond James Stadium but the government and its media acolytes refuse to acknowledge the incident.

What does it all mean? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Je Ne Saquon

A deadly ground assault led by Barkley and Taylor forged victory for the league’s lone unbeaten squad. Even the normally useless Kyle Pitts chipped in a couple of big catches to help seal the W. With rumors spreading across whisper networks that Je Ne Saquon is employing cybernetic organisms rather than human players, General Manager/Head Coach Walker Griffith remains unbothered. “I pay no attention to baseless accusations. The tears of my haters taste sweeter by the day,” Griffith said.

The Who the Fook is that Guy Player of the Week: Jauan Jennings

That’s right, folks. The guy who caught 11 passes for 175 yards and 3 touchdowns, good for 46.50 fantasy points, isn’t even rostered. Nobody had the foresight to pick him up? Even as a speculative stash? None of us?

We’ve brought collective shame on the Gulfman League.

As penance, whoever claims Jennings on waivers must start him next week. And we all must watch in horror as he scores 7.8 points, knowing full well that we missed out on his one and only worthwhile performance. This is what we deserve for our transgressions.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Malik Nabers

How good is Malik Nabers? So good that he’s going to single-handedly carry the Giants to enough wins to convince the moronic front office that Daniel Jones is still the guy to lead the team to Super Bowl glory.

Ground Chuck

Screw all this foo-foo passing garbage. Nobody wants high-flying shootouts featuring preppy quarterbacks and dainty wide receivers. We want bruising backs bowling over puny linebackers and anorexic defensive backs. We want tight ends throwing illegal chop blocks, not running routes. We want unathletic footies kicking six field goals. We want old school 13-9 slugfests that are over in two hours.

Hail, low scoring! Hail, the running back revolution! Hail, kickers for MVP! Who’s with me?!

Nobody?

Resurrection of the Week: Derrick Henry

Old man Henry looked like dust after two weeks. Then he went to Dallas. 174 total yards and 2 touchdowns later, and Henry was feeling pretty, pretty good. After the game, Jerry Jones was asked why he didn’t sign Henry in the offseason:

“We couldn’t afford Derrick Henry,” Jones said, laughing when asked “why not?” “I don’t know. Why can’t you buy a mansion when you live in a different kind of house? We couldn’t afford it. We can’t make that all fit. That’s as simple as that.”

Let’s look in on Cowboys fans:

LOL Image of the Week

On the right is Andy Dalton, the first quarterback to throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns in a game this season. On the left is Bryce Young, the 14-year-old middle school student who won a ‘Dress as a Member of Your Favorite NFL Team’ contest. Hold on, what this? Now I’m being told that Bryce Young is actually a professional quarterback who was selected #1 overall by the Carolina Panthers in the 2023 NFL Draft.

That can’t be right. I need a new research staff.

The Get Him a Body Bag Injury Report

I’m all for sweeping the leg, but these injuries are getting out of hand.

Justin Herbert – Day-to-day, sprained ankle. Is Herbie short for Herbert? Wait, so Herbie the Love Bug’s full name is Herbert the Love Bug? That’s awesome.

DeVonta Smith – Week-to-week, concussion. Whatever the fuck you do NFL officials, don’t call a penalty for a blatant cheap shot on a receiver whose forward momentum was clearly stopped. That would make way too much sense.

Adam Thielen – Placed on IR, hamstring. I thought Thielen retired in 2022. Then again, he plays for the Panthers, so he might as well be retired.

Sam LaPorta – Day-to-day, ankle. Sam LaPorta would be a great name for the head of the Teamsters. “Don’t piss off LaPorta. He’ll make your life a living hell.”

George Kittle – Week-to-week, hamstring. It’s obvious the 49ers made some sort of deal with Beelzebub last season, and now they’re paying the price.

Travis Kelce – Missing in Action. Turns out filming commercials, hosting game shows, and chasing international pop stars around the globe isn’t optimal preparation for playing pro football. Who knew?

Mark Andrews – Last seen in Week 2. Is 0.0 bad? Sounds bad.

Trey McBride – Week-to-week, concussion. Better Trey: Parker or Anastasio? I gotta go with Trey Parker. I mean, he created Cartman.

Aaron Rodgers’ Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Hurricanes are Controlled by Big Housing

A few years ago, as the story goes, Rodgers attended a wine and cheese reception at the DoubleTree in Appleton, Wisconsin. As the evening wound down, a sauced on Pinot Grigio and stuffed with smoked Gouda Rodgers cornered the Ladies Auxiliary and unleashed a inflammatory tirade condemning “Big Housing.”

According to anonymous witnesses, Rodgers posited that giant hurricane factories located beneath the ocean were used to wipe out beachfront communities in order to inflate property values and drive up the cost of new homes. When someone suggested that devastating storms might actually decrease property values, Rodgers waved his hand dismissively and scoffed, “You’re buried so deep inside the matrix you can’t see what’s right in front of you. Wake up, sheeple!”

Needless to say, the reception came to an abrupt end. However, much to the dismay of the beleaguered hotel staff, Rodgers kept ranting until well past midnight.

Week 4 Gold Standard Matchup of the Week: Ninjas vs Dogs

Strap in, kids. It’s a battle of rookie wide receivers as Marvin Harrison, Sr. Jr. goes head-to-head with Malik Nabers. The latter leads all wideouts in scoring while the former ranks 12th. Which of these neophytes will walk away with bragging rights? Will either play well enough to curtail the atomic wedgie and penis-drawn-on-face rookie hazing rituals? Stay tuned.

Slán go fóill.