And then there were four. Congratulations to the Lame Excuses, Indiana Purdy Mouth, PNW Evergreens, and the Dark Corner ThrillBillies on advancing to the Gulfman League Playoffs. Each of you earned your spot and in my opinion are all worthy of being crowned champions. As for the rest of us?
And just in case anyone is butt-hurt about not receiving an invite to the party due to those pesky league rules, I’ll be happy to refer you to the near unanimous vote a few years ago that shot down a proposal for total points — not W-L record — to determine the last two playoff spots.
Moving on, let’s handicap these postseason participants, shall we?
1) Lame Excuses – The Carolina Division champs were living on easy street for most of the season, but a late-season slide from Jonathan Taylor and concussions for both CeeDee Lamb and Tee Higgins have dealt a blow to their title chances. Can the flimsy pretexts rebound under the bright lights or will they squander a great regular season and be labeled as chokers and frauds?
2) Purdy Mouth – After finishing as bridesmaids the last two seasons, the Mouth are primed to slip into a wedding dress and wreck the alter, thanks in large part to the Seattle Trident: D/ST, footie, JSN. Can the Hoos down in Hoosierville wash off the stink of failure to finally reach the tippity top or will they crash into a snowbank and be cannibalized by the survivors?
3) PNW Evergreens – Started the season 0-4 but ended up outscoring the rest of the league by 100 points. That’s the kind of resilience and perseverance that defines winners. Led by CMC, Dak, and Davante, this team of olds is ready to take the youngins over their knee and deliver a spanking to remember. Can the crafty conifers continue their limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing wheelin’ and dealin’ ways or will they end up staring down a thirsty blade at the sawmill?
4) Dark Corner ThrillBillies – The Billies looked unbeatable halfway through the season, but with the Bucs in decline and Bijan being stuck in the burning Hell that is the Falcons, they find themselves limping into the playoffs despite a crucial Week 14 victory over the Lame ones. The good news is Puka draws the Lions depleted secondary this week and Dalton Kincaid is healthy again. Can the mountain moonshiners continue to evade defeat or will outsiders overrun their territory?
Good luck, gentlemen. May the best fake team win.
Before I skedaddle off to Vegas for my annual pre-Christmas dive into degeneracy, I’d like to pour one out for Daniel Jones. Despite my penchant for pointing and laughing at his quarterbacking buffoonery, I wasn’t laughing at what happened to him on Sunday. It sucks to see his (and the Colts) season go up in flames due to a torn Achilles.
In a league filled with guys who half-ass their way through games, it’s nice to see one that clearly gives a shit. Alas, the Daniel Jones redemption arc wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he’ll get another chance, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The Football Gods are cruel and unforgiving monsters that take pleasure in chewing up and spitting out mere mortals.
Anyway, I’ll be back in a couple of weeks to glaze the Gulfman League Champion. Until then, enjoy the silly season and don’t forget to tip your local Santa.
Welp, we all knew this day would come. It was bound to happen sooner than later. Midnight struck and Daniel Jones turned back into a pumpkin. And as only he can, he did so in spectacular fashion.
3 interceptions, 2 lost fumbles, 5 sacks taken. 27-20 loss to the Steelers.
Daniel Jones works in turnovers the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It’s his true medium, a master.
Let’s look in on Giants fans watching him on Sunday:
All is right in the world again. Balance has been restored to the Force. Colts fans can finally reconcile that the unhappy ending to their 2025 season was written long ago.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: PNW Evergreens
A famous paramilitary rescue team tracker once said, “There’s something in those trees.” In Week 9 that something was CMC and Drake London.
The Evergreens planted the hapless Monkeys like it was Arbor Day, and poured sap in the wounds for good measure. Not even napalm can stop this punishing pulp.
The Give Em The Heater Player of the Week: Brock Bowers
12 catches, 127 yards, 3 TDs. Welcome back, Brock! I knew there was a reason why I drafted you in the 2nd round. It was for games like these. Sadly, this does me little good in Week 9 after my moronic management decisions the previous two weeks. Anyway, a healthy Bowers is so beastly he can make garbage Geno Smith look semi-competent.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Rome Odunze
Odunze pulled a Blutarsky against… [checks notes]… the Bengals?
A nothing-burger in a game where the Bears hung 47 points? I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.
The I Love Them So Much Rookies of the Week: Kyle Monongai & Colston Loveland
198 total yards, 3 catches; 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TDs. A pair of young cubs were the latest to eviscerate the LOL Bengals defense. Despite the gaudy stats posted by this dynamic duo, it’s difficult to gauge how good either is because everyone (except Rome Odunze) smashes the Bengals. Hell, Caleb Williams tossed 3 scores and caught another from DJ Moore, who himself ran for a TD. The Bears are fun, but seeing them humbled in the playoffs by a team that actually plays defense will be very satisfying.
LOL Image of the Week
Via @Ihartitz
If you thought I was finished shitting on the Bengals, think again. This hilarious graphic is running backs who have faced them this season. Not exactly a murderer’s row of elite dudes, and they still have to see Derrick Henry twice, James Cook, and Devon Achane.
Looks like Patty’s sideline antics didn’t go according to plan against the Bills. That’s a shame.
The Bring Out Your Dead Injury Report
Like the height of a medieval plague, the bodies continue to pile up.
Jayden Daniels – Dislocated elbow, LIKELY OUT FOR SEASON. It took about 5 seconds after this grizzly injury occurred in a game the Commanders were losing 38-7 for the internet to be flooded with RGIII comparisons. So yeah, Dan Quinn might want to relocate to a safe house and lay low for awhile.
Tucker Kraft – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. Just when I vaulted him up the All-Time Kraft rankings, he blows out a knee. Looks like Massage Parlor Bob Kraft is back to #3 (psst… between us, he’ll always be #1).
Brian Thomas, Jr. – Ankle, week-to-week. BTJ is screwed until the Jags git rid of Trevor Lawrence because Trevor Lawrence fucking sucks.
Travis Hunter – Sprained ACL, on IR. See above.
Puka Nacua – Chest, day-to-day. I told you he’s injury prone! Nah, he’ll be fine… or will he?
CJ Stroud – Concussion, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.
Aaron Jones – AC joint, day-to-day. He just came back and is already hurt again. That’s so 2025.
Kayshon Boutte – Hamstring, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.
Luke McCaffery – Broken collarbone, OUT FOR SEASON. Jesus, my fingers are cramping. Will this update ever end?
Dak Prescott – Minor ankle sprain, day-to-day. Are we sure it’s “minor?” Cuz the Cardinals D made regular season Dak look like playoff Dak on MNF.
Matthew Golden – Shoulder, day-to-day. The last time the Packers had a fully healthy wide receiving corps was 1987.
Cole Kmet – Concussion, week-to-week. Cole, you’ve been replaced. Get well soon.
Yup, still not done with the Bengals. Their putrid defense has allowed a league worst 300 points. That’s 51 more than the Giants, 43 more than the Titans, and 23 more than the Cowboys. To put that in perspective, the Texans have allowed 121 points. Gee, I can’t imagine why Bengals offensive players are so upset.
Trade Deadline Summary
-The Jags traded for Jakobi Myers – Saying Trevor Lawrence is better than Geno Smith is like saying impalement is better than drawing and quartering.
-The Seahawks acquired Rashid Shaheed – This is an obvious upgrade until the obvious Sam Darnold meltdown.
-The 3-5-1 Cowboys dealt a 1st and 2nd round pick for a declining defensive tackle who is worse than Micha Parsons. Oh, and they also acquired a Bengals defensive player.
Week 10 Gold Standard Matchup: ThrillBillies vs Wookilars
What we got here is a good ol’ fashioned donnybrook between the league’s top two teams. The winner shall be heaped with praise and accolades. Meanwhile, the loser will be publicly shamed, subjected to a stoning, and ostracized like a leper colony. In other words, the stakes are high in this one.
Now that’s more like it! After pretty much the entire league faceplanted in Week 1, nine teams topped 30 points in Week 2, including the Ravens and Cowboys who hit 40, and the once-again mighty Lions who registered a whopping 52 against the LOL Bears. Despite my pathetic fake team not taking advantage of this scoring bonanza, I consider this a massive win.
However, not everyone was cooperative in Week 2. The Chiefs, who have no receivers, and the Eagles, who have no idea how to use receivers, played 4 quarters of flaccid football, while the Falcons and Vikings tucked their nuts to kick 7 field goals in a Sunday night game that should be fired into the sun.
Not to be outdone, the officials once again reared their ugly heads and unleashed a monsoon of yellow that would make Big Bird proud. To no one’s surprise, the most egregious offenders were the Giants, because of course. Big Blue was flagged 14 times for 160 yards. I mean, what exactly is Brian Daboll teaching these morons anyway?
Chef’s kiss, Giants. Your tomfoolery is a sight to behold.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: We’re Not Xavier Worthy
The defending champs shook off an opening week loss by edging the Evergreens thanks to Jakobi Myers being the only Raider to do a fucking thing on Monday Night Football. With starting quarterback Brock Purdy sidelined, the Worthys called upon their fedora-wearing backup to lead the squad to victory. His name… Indiana Jones:
Courtesy @AlecUsleaman
It’s still early, but the Danny Dimes redemption arc is coming into focus. And I for one am here for it.
The I Drink Your Milkshake Player of the Week: Amon-Ra St. Brown
9 catches, 115 yards, 3 TDs. The Sun God burned the LOL Bears so badly that Ben Johnson begged (allegedly) Dan Campbell to hire him back as offensive coordinator. I think we all take St. Brown for granted while we fawn over Chase, Jefferson, Lamb and new kids on the block like Nabers and Puka. This dude has 25 regular season touchdowns since 2023, tied with Chase, and more than Jefferson and Lamb.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Justin Fields
I knew Week 1 was a mirage but damn, I figured he would make it to October before imploding like the OceanGate submarine. Welp, I was wrong. Prior to exiting the game with a concussion, Fields was 3-11 for 27 yards with 2 fumbles and 2 sacks taken. At least he didn’t throw a pick. That’s good… right? Yeah, I’m fucked with this waterhead as my quarterback.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Tetairoa McMillan
6 catches, 100 yards. Egbuka last week, T-Mac this week. The 2025 wide receiver class is shaping up to be a good one. Sadly, as long as he’s saddled to Bryce Young, McMillan’s upside will be capped. The less sadder part is the Panthers would be worse off if they kept that 2024 first-round pick and drafted Caleb Williams. Small victories.
LOL Image of the Week
Happy Birthday to Captain Tuggy, the man responsible for torpedoing a once beloved franchise. To be fair, he’s only the latest atrocious quarterback to wreck the Browns. But at least the likes of Brandon Weeden and DeShone Kizer didn’t become the poster boy for massage parlor perverts.
The Like Lambs to the Slaughter Injury Report
Good lord. I usually pen this section with an ounce of demented glee, but even I’m struggling to find any sort of humor from this carnage.
Joe Burrow – Turf toe, 3 months. I blame the skinflint owner who won’t even hire an actual General Manager, which is why players are constantly forced to hold out for fair compensation. A real GM might even notice the offensive line has been a fucking abomination for over a decade. Burrow deserves better.
That said, I know one person who’s celebrating:
J.J. McCarthy – High ankle sprain, 2-4 weeks. The classic injury to insult. McCarthy was abysmal on Sunday night, netting 3 fumbles, 2 interceptions, and 6 sacks taken. I’m getting strong Zach Wilson vibes from the lad. On the plus side, Carson Wentz is back!
Jayden Daniels – Knee sprain, might miss a week. A lot went right for Daniels as a rookie. However, he is quickly learning that life comes at you fast in the NFL. He’ll probably be fine, but the team around him is beginning to fall apart.
Austin Ekeler – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. Pour one out for the poor man’s Brian Westbrook. I bet the Commanders wish they didn’t trade Brian Robinson to the Niners.
Jayden Reed – Broken collarbone, 6-8 weeks.The Packers wide receiving corps is comprised of various iterations of Mr. Glass.
Aaron Jones – Hamstring, IR for a month. Jordan Mason owners rejoice!
Justin Fields – Concussion, week-to-week. See Loser of the Week.
Mike McDaniel’s I’m Going to get Fired Soon Quote of the Week
"To win games, you have to win the game, not lose the game"
Mike McDaniel with an all time quote after losing to the Pats 😅
The latest boy genius fed to the NFL coaching grinder knows what’s coming. It’s not a matter of if, but when. His nebbish sarcasm will be missed.
Week 3 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs ThrillBillies
This tussle for first place in the Carolina Division might get heated. The Lame ones are known to utilize annoying diversion tactics to psych out their opponents. Meanwhile, the ThrillBillies, well, let’s just say they have a reputation for doing whatever it takes to get the W. Watch your back, Patrick Mahomes.
I’ve been so preoccupied gleefully dunking on the Cowboys, Giants, and Jets that I’ve failed to recognize the juggernaut steamrolling the NFL known as the Detroit Lions. Well, it’s time to remedy this egregious oversight. The 2024 Lions are a thing, ya know, until they aren’t.
On Sunday, Detroit dropped 52 points for the second time this season in dismantling the flaccid Jags. They outgained them 645 to 170 — the third largest difference in total yards in NFL history, and the biggest since 1979. They also converted 38 (LOL) first downs.
A week removed from tossing 5 interceptions, Jared Goff threw for 412 yards and 4 touchdowns. In addition, ARSB scored a touchdown for the 8th straight game, Gibbs and Monty combined for 218 total yards and 3 scores, Jameson Williams caught 4 balls for 124 yards and a touchdown, and the defense held a broken Jags offense to 6 points.
The Lions lead the league in points scored and rank 4th in points allowed. After the refs fell asleep at the wheel and allowed the Chiefs to actually lose, the Lions are now the betting favorites to win the Super Bowl. Their upcoming schedule features games against Green Bay, Buffalo, San Francisco, and Minnesota, but it’s unlikely they’ll be underdogs in any of those matchups.
All that’s preventing the Lions from playing in February is some sort of epic collapse reserved for cursed teams that have never advanced to the Super Bowl. What are the odds of that happening?
Playoffs?!
Shutup, Jim Mora. We’re talking about playoffs whether you like it or not! Congratulations to Je Ne Saquon for capturing the Carolina Division and securing a playoff berth. After curbstomping their way through the season, they are the clear favorites to win it all, thanks to the fake MVP Lamar Jackson and the real MVP Saquon Barkley.
Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft
The worst team in the league dropped 208 points? Where the hell did this come from? It reminds me of last season when the Raiders decapitated the Chargers 63-21, prompting the Chargers to fire head coach Brandon Staley 12 hours later. If I were Brad, I’d turn off my phone and hide out in the team facility’s broom closet for a couple of days. They can’t fire you if they can’t find you.
Are You Not Entertained Player of the Week:Taysom Hill
Before the Saints-Browns game kicked off on Sunday, Taysom Hill grabbed a mic, walked to the 50-yard-line of the Superdome, removed his helmet, and uttered the following:
My name is Taysomus Shawnimus Hillius Commander of the Armies of the NFC South General of the Saints Legions Loyal servant to the true head coach, Darren Rizzi Father to a murdered season Husband to a murdered franchise And I will have my vengeance -- in this life or the next
Then he took the field and ran for 138 yards and 3 touchdowns, caught 8 passes for 50 yards, and for shits and giggles, committed two turnovers. If that doesn’t perfectly encapsulate the Taysom Experience, nothing does.
Quarterback A has been crowned Rookie of the Year and hailed the greatest signal-caller since Patrick Mahomes. Quarterback B has been ignored by the pundits and ridiculed for being “too old” after spending five years in college.
Unlike narratives, numbers don’t lie.
Resurrection of the Week: Anthony Richardson
Left for dead three weeks ago, Anthony Richardson reclaimed his starting role and tossed for 272 yards and scored a trio of touchdowns on Sunday. He still fumbled twice (losing one), but it was more than enough to notch the win. That’s the good news. The bad news is he beat the laughingstock Jets. The even worse news is he plays the Lions next. Godspeed ARich.
Daniel Jones: 2019-2024
Via @adamlevitan on X
It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I report the untimely benching of our dear quarterback calamity Daniel “Dimes” Jones. Excuse me, I need a minute…
Now that I’ve collected myself I’d like to bid a fond farewell to my absolute favorite first-round bust. Evidently Jones’ career record of 24-44-1 wasn’t good enough to keep his starting job. Adding insult to insult, he was also demoted to third string.
How can I go on? I’m so despondent, I’m not even sure I can continue writing this blog. It seems like only last week Jones was throwing horrific interceptions and missing wide open receivers. Oh, that was last week.
All I can do now is patiently wait until the Browns trade for Jones and sign him to a $200 million extension. Until that day arrives, I’ll always have this:
Rest easy, old friend. Your legacy lives on.
LOL Image of the Week
Source: Fantasy Life
Bless the Giants. They just can’t get out of their own way. Here’s exclusive footage of DeVito arriving at Giants practice today:
LOL Image of the Week: Part Deux
Only nine days until Giants at Cowboys on Thanksgiving! LET’S FUCKIN’ GO!!!!
Goober of the Week: Evan McPherson
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, kickers have one job. And that job isn’t shanking two field goals in a primetime defeat that severely damages a team’s chances of making the playoffs. BAN. ALL. FOOTIES.
The Puppy Sliding Down a Rainbow Injury Report
Wait, what’s this? Two consecutive weeks with NO significant injuries? Praise the Fantasy Gods!
Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. If Mooney played for either the Chiefs or Chargers, he’d be a 1200-yard, 8 TD guy. Instead he’s had to suffer through garbage Bears quarterbacks and Kirk “Defcon 1” Cousins.
Alexander Mattison and Zamir White – I’ve been told these gentlemen are running backs for the Raiders, but I can neither confirm or deny.
George Kittle and Brock Purdy – Again, every 49er from now until the end of the season should be considered week-to-week.
Jake Ferguson – Concussion, week-to-week. Grab a lifeboat while you can, Jake. The ship is sinking fast.
Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: He’s Been Poisoned!
Aaron Rodgers has a simple explanation for his poor performance in 2024 and you guessed it, nefarious forces are to blame. Chatter out of the Jets locker room is that Rodgers has been telling anyone who will listen that either the CIA or a foreign intelligence agency poisoned him over a month ago in an effort to torpedo his season.
An inside source revealed a conversation between Rodgers and backup quarterback Tyrod Taylor in which Rodgers said the following: “Be ready, Ty. I think they got me, brother. By got me, I mean injected me with slow-acting poison. I could pass out or drop dead any minute. I dunno who ‘they’ are but I have a few ideas. But you gotta keep this between us. They might come for you next.”
Taylor left the conversation rolling his eyes and mouthing, “He’s insane.”
Week 11 Gold Standard Matchup: Indiana SixPence vs Weiner Dogs
Playoff spots are on the line as divisional play resumes to close out the Gulfman League regular season. Both squads must endure bye week blues with Bijan, Breece, Davante, Engram, and Chase Brown all unavailable. Oof. Aren’t bye weeks awesome? It’s not at all frustrating trying to replace half your roster in a week. Anyway, good luck with that, fellas.
Man, do I love the NFL. Even when it disappoints, it never disappoints. We (the royal we) spend 8 months pontificating about free agency, the Draft, key injuries, contract disputes, the latest Kansas City Chief to avoid suspension after committing a crime, training camp battles, and unwatchable preseason games. Then, with a snap of the finger, the games that count begin and all that pointless wishcasting goes up in smoke.
Did we learn anything new during opening weekend? Uh, not really. Daniel Jones and Bryce Young are still abominations. Tyreke Hill still knows how to score 80-yard touchdowns (and break the law). The Bears still need a quarterback. The Falcons are still the Falcons. The “tight end renaissance” still isn’t a thing. The Cowboys won the Week 1 Super Bowl, again. And the Chiefs and 49ers are still the unquestioned best teams in the league.
Hey, at least football is back. Sloppy, turnover-plagued, over-officiated, field goal-ridden football, but football nonetheless. Like Bugs Bunny used to say, “On with the show, this is it.”
A Short Draft Recap
Much to my surprise, I thought everyone did a solid job at the draft. Whoa, I need a shower after writing that. I’m accustomed to roasting multiple league mates for making egregious draft night errors that inevitably equate to flushing money down the toilet. For example, the old me would’ve called Tommy a dipshit moron for selecting a running back in the 6th round who’s had two major knee reconstructions and may never play a meaningful snap again. But that was the old me. I’ve turned over a new leaf. Feels good.
Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts
The Beasts and Excuses entered Monday Night Football engaged in a nail-biting clash that was too close to call. The Furry ones rolled out the receiving duo of Garrett Wilson and Brandon Aiyuk along with footie extraordinaire Jake Moody, while the lamest of the Lame tapped gigachads Deebo Samuel and George Kittle to bring home the W.
A back-and-forth war of attrition ensued with each side delivering punches and counter punches. Deebo utilized his dual-threat dynamics to gain a late lead for the Excuses, but Moody’s lethal right foot proved to be too much as he booted a whopping 6 field goals to secure victory for the Beasts by a margin of 1 point.
Now that’s what I call a fantastic finish! Alcoa would be proud.
Great Success Player of the Week: Saquon Barkley
If you didn’t watch Hard Knocks: Offseason with the New York Giants, I don’t blame you. I mean, it’s the Giants. Long story short, inept General Manager Joe Schoen ignored his personnel department’s reservations about allowing Saquon to enter free agency. Of course, Barkley did become a free agent and promptly signed a 3-year deal with the Eagles. Then Schoen shoved all in on Daniel Jones, a quarterback earning $48 million who hasn’t thrown for more than 15 touchdowns since his rookie season and is coming off a torn ACL.
How’d that turn out in Week 1?
h/t NFL Memes
Meh. So Barkley scored 3 touchdowns on a shitty Brazilian soccer field. Things can’t be that bad for Daniel Jones, right?
h/t Bleacher Report
Oof. This is awkward. Let’s look in on Giants fans:
Should the Giants have signed Barkley to an extension? Absolutely not. What they should’ve done is heavily invest in offensive line and wide receiver during Barkley’s rookie deal. Instead, they hitched their wagon to Daniel Jones and watched him pour gasoline on it, set it ablaze, and drive straight off a cliff.
To summarize: Joe Schoen is an idiot.
We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Xavier Worthy
Yes, I named this award after Xavier Worthy. He had 3 touches for 68 yards and 2 touchdowns in his debut. That’s absurd. Did the Ravens forget about Worthy like Daenerys forgot about the Iron Fleet during season 8 of Game of Thrones? Make it make sense.
Goober of the Week: Russell Wilson
Courtesy: Getty
Prior to the Steelers matchup with the Falcons, Russell Wilson was declared inactive due to a strained calf. Last time I checked, inactive players are not allowed to participate in games. Well, that didn’t stop Russ from fully suiting up complete with eye black as if he was one play away from taking the field. Was this an overt display of team camaraderie, or is Mr. Unlimited just an out of touch dork? I’m leaning toward the latter.
Nerd Stats
-The Bears D/ST outscored all but five starting quarterbacks, including Mahomes, Hurts, Stroud, Burrow, and Dak
-Deshaun Watson hasn’t thrown for 300 yards since 2020. Joe Flacco threw for 300 yards in 5 of 6 starts with the Browns in 2023
-Number one overall pick Caleb Williams averaged 3.2 yards per attempt, which ranked dead last among all starting quarterbacks. Anthony Richardson led the week with 11.2 yards per attempt
-62 of 68 filed goals were converted on Sunday, including 19 of 21 from 50+ yards
-The Patriots “top” four wide receivers totaled 8 catches for 66 yards. Rams 4th-string journeyman Tyler Johnson had 5 catches for 79 yards
Doctors Trowbridge and Greenbaum Injury Report
QB Jordan Love – MCL sprain, out 3-6 weeks. Trowbridge diagnosis: He should be fine in a week or two, but I haven’t ruled out toe amputation.
WR Puka Nacua – PCL sprain, placed on IR. Greenbaum diagnosis: My vast experience has taught me that hand injuries like this shouldn’t be taken lightly.
WR Rome Odunze – MCL sprain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: He might not survive the week. I’ll know more after testing his reflexes.
TE Jake Ferguson – MCL sprain, week to week. Trowbridge diagnosis: I’ll know more after conducting a full body cavity search.
RB Christian McCaffrey- Calf/Achilles strain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: A steady diet of vitamin D and Icy Hot will have him tip-top in no time.
Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: The Earth is Square
Back in February, Rodgers, Elon Musk, Geddy Lee, and the ghost of Richard Nixon spent a weekend inside a Northern Montana sweat lodge dosing ayahuasca, allegedly. Days later, Rodgers was seen wandering aimlessly along I-15 wearing nothing but tattered jorts and a purple feathered boa. According to eyewitnesses, Rodgers could be heard muttering, “The flat-earthers got it wrong, man. The earth is square, like a giant Pandora’s Box. Get WOKE!!!”
Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon
Courtesy: @saquon on IG
When worlds collide! It’s Eagles quarterback facing off against Eagles running back in Week 2’s biggest showdown. Shouty will also have to survive the who-saw-that-coming (psst… everyone) loss of CMC, who is set to miss a second straight game with a calf strain he suffered in August. Can ageless wonder Mike Evans continue to smash? Will Drake London and Chris Olave stop shitting the bed? Stay tuned.
Stud Running Back 