There’s a narrative forming that the 2025 NFL season sucks. I don’t know who (couldn’t be me) ignited this campaign of misinformation, but the army of negative Neds must be stopped before their toxic propaganda infects the masses. Allow me to be a sliver of light during these dark times.
Sure, the Eagles are a dysfunctional mess with an imbecile calling plays, but Nick Sirianni and Kevin Patullo are strengthening their bond of friendship as the team circles the drain. Remember, friendship is forever.
Sure, Justin Fields took 9 sacks and passed for -10 yards, but he didn’t commit any turnovers. In fact, he’s yet to throw an interception this season and has only 2 fumbles. You can’t teach that kind of ball security.
Sure, the Dolphins are 1-5 and Tua called out his teammates for being uncaring losers, but head coach Mike McDaniel still has a job. I have faith his determined leadership will right the ship.
Sure, the Browns have started 41 different quarterbacks since 1999, but only one of them is a massage parlor sex pest, and it’s not current starter Dillon Gabriel. I call that progress.
Sure, the Ravens have been decimated by injuries on both sides of the ball, but Lamar is coming back and they have plenty of games left to rebound before losing to the Chiefs in the playoffs.
Sure, the Cowboys defense is a DEFCON 1 laughingstock, but Micha Parsons’ 2.5 sacks is tied for 40th in the league, which proves Jerry Jones was right to trade him.
Sure, the Lions once again lost to a good team on the road, but at least Aaron Glenn is no longer associated with the team.
Sure, the Bills have looked like shit since Week 1, but Josh Allen is healthy and they have plenty of games left to rebound before losing to the Chiefs in the playoffs.
As you can see, there’s plenty of positivity brimming across the league. Ignore the haters.
Big Ern McCracken’s Teams of the Week: Indiana Purdy Mouth and We’re Not Xavier Worthy
For the first time in Stud Running Back history I’m splitting this coveted award right down the middle. The Mouth and the Worthy have both achieved temporary legendary status for knocking off the league’s remaining unbeaten squads in dominating fashion. Of course, piss tests revealed Tony Mandarich-level PEDs coursing through the veins of both teams, but I don’t even care. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Well done, boys.
The I Feel Kind of Invincible Player of the Week: Bijan Robinson
170 yards rushing, 1 TD; 6 catches, 68 yards. Back in the day, I watched the Falcons play the Eagles inside the old Georgia Dome. Per usual, Philly hooligans showed up in droves armed with an array of insults to hurl upon the home team fans. To their credit, the Falcons faithful took the abuse in stride, gave it back in kind throughout the game, and did so without incident. It was good-natured (relatively) fun, which isn’t always the case. Anyway, Bijan is the best all-around running back in football.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Losers of the Week: The Jets
The NFL needs to adopt the Premier League’s relegation so the Jets (and Browns) can be flushed into the sewer of despair where they rightfully belong. Enough already with this garbage franchise. They won’t be missed, even by whatever remains of their sad, pathetic fanbase.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Cam Skattebo
98 yards rushing, 3 TDs; 2 catches 12 yards. The lovechild of John Riggins and Mike Alstott smashed the once vaunted Eagles defense last Thursday night. It was like witnessing a grizzly bear rip apart a troop of Boy Scouts. Dare I say it, the Giants are actually entertaining! All they had to do was jettison Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones, and lose Malik Nabers to a season-ending injury. That’s so Giants.
LeBron James Flop of the Week: JuJu Smith-Schuster
LOL. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought JuJu was doused in battery acid. Sign him up for the WWE. His kayfabe is elite.
Heads Will Roll: Brian Callahan
Anyone holding Mike McDaniel ‘First Head Coach to Be Fired’ tickets are punching air. And by anyone I mean me — I’m punching air. That’s because Brian Callahan proved to be the bigger donkey after compiling a pathetic 4-19 record over 1+ seasons. Congratulations, Brian. Your inability to inspire greatness is impressive.
The Heaven’s Gate Injury Report
The Hail-Bopp comet entered Earth’s orbit on Sunday and brought along a crate of fresh Nike kicks.
Puka Nacua – Ankle, week-to-week. Puka gets hurt a lot! That’s why I didn’t draft him. Yup, that’s the reason. I’m smart, not dumb.
Emeka Egbuka – Hamstring, week-to-week. Baker Mayfield was throwing touchdowns to Johnson and Johnson on Sunday.
I have no idea who these guys are, but if Mayfield can turn random dudes into playmakers what excuse does Jalen Hurts have? You play with AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith, Jalen. Figure it the fuck out!
Garrett Wilson – Knee, 2-3 weeks. How does a receiver get hurt when his offense passes for -10 yards? Oh, he plays for the Jets. Case closed.
Marvin Harrison, Jr. – Concussion, week-to-week. Marv Jr. sure has had a topsy-turvy start to his career.
Calvin Ridley – Hamstring, week-to-week. Missing games for the Titans sounds like paradise.
Jauan Jennings – Entire body, unknown. Jennings revealed after the loss to the Bucs that he’s been playing with five broken ribs and high and low ankle sprains. And? Try harder, bro.
David Njoku – Knee, week-to-week. Dillon Gabriel? Yeah, he ain’t it.
DJ Moore – Groin, day-to-day. I don’t watch Monday Night games because they are generally ass, so I’m not exactly sure what happened to Moore. But Ben Johnson had this to say regarding Moore:
“It was a groin deal that he was dealing with and I think we’re going to be OK.”
Ben Johnson
Anthony Richardson – Orbital fracture, no one cares. A-Rich fractured his orbital bone while using an arm band during warmups.
In addition, cornerback Charvarius Ward suffered a concussion prior to kickoff. What the hell is going on in Indianapolis? Is Shane Steichen running Squid Games during warmups?
Week 7 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Beasts
With names like Hurts, Jefferson, Warren, Herbert, Dowdle, and McBride, there’s no shortage of fantasy goodness to enjoy. It also marks the highly anticipated return of Rashee Rice from his 6-game suspension:
Buckle up, folks!
Stud Running Back 