Tag Archives: Fantasy Football

Week 14 Recap: Take a Bow

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And then there were four. Congratulations to the Lame Excuses, Indiana Purdy Mouth, PNW Evergreens, and the Dark Corner ThrillBillies on advancing to the Gulfman League Playoffs. Each of you earned your spot and in my opinion are all worthy of being crowned champions. As for the rest of us?

And just in case anyone is butt-hurt about not receiving an invite to the party due to those pesky league rules, I’ll be happy to refer you to the near unanimous vote a few years ago that shot down a proposal for total points — not W-L record — to determine the last two playoff spots.

Moving on, let’s handicap these postseason participants, shall we?

1) Lame Excuses – The Carolina Division champs were living on easy street for most of the season, but a late-season slide from Jonathan Taylor and concussions for both CeeDee Lamb and Tee Higgins have dealt a blow to their title chances. Can the flimsy pretexts rebound under the bright lights or will they squander a great regular season and be labeled as chokers and frauds?

2) Purdy Mouth – After finishing as bridesmaids the last two seasons, the Mouth are primed to slip into a wedding dress and wreck the alter, thanks in large part to the Seattle Trident: D/ST, footie, JSN. Can the Hoos down in Hoosierville wash off the stink of failure to finally reach the tippity top or will they crash into a snowbank and be cannibalized by the survivors?

3) PNW Evergreens – Started the season 0-4 but ended up outscoring the rest of the league by 100 points. That’s the kind of resilience and perseverance that defines winners. Led by CMC, Dak, and Davante, this team of olds is ready to take the youngins over their knee and deliver a spanking to remember. Can the crafty conifers continue their limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing wheelin’ and dealin’ ways or will they end up staring down a thirsty blade at the sawmill?

4) Dark Corner ThrillBillies – The Billies looked unbeatable halfway through the season, but with the Bucs in decline and Bijan being stuck in the burning Hell that is the Falcons, they find themselves limping into the playoffs despite a crucial Week 14 victory over the Lame ones. The good news is Puka draws the Lions depleted secondary this week and Dalton Kincaid is healthy again. Can the mountain moonshiners continue to evade defeat or will outsiders overrun their territory?

Good luck, gentlemen. May the best fake team win.

Before I skedaddle off to Vegas for my annual pre-Christmas dive into degeneracy, I’d like to pour one out for Daniel Jones. Despite my penchant for pointing and laughing at his quarterbacking buffoonery, I wasn’t laughing at what happened to him on Sunday. It sucks to see his (and the Colts) season go up in flames due to a torn Achilles.

In a league filled with guys who half-ass their way through games, it’s nice to see one that clearly gives a shit. Alas, the Daniel Jones redemption arc wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he’ll get another chance, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The Football Gods are cruel and unforgiving monsters that take pleasure in chewing up and spitting out mere mortals.

Anyway, I’ll be back in a couple of weeks to glaze the Gulfman League Champion. Until then, enjoy the silly season and don’t forget to tip your local Santa.

Week 13 Recap: Wind of Change

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After a topsy-turvy Week 13, I think it’s safe to say there’s been a tectonic shift in the NFL.

-The defending champion Eagles are in the midst of another late-season collapse that bares a striking resemblance to the one they suffered in 2023. (Also, I had nothing to do with this.)

-The 6-6 Chiefs and their dynasty are crumbling right before our eyes with games against the Texans, Chargers, and Broncos remaining.

-The Ravens are hanging on by a thread with a clearly out-of-sorts Lamar Jackson playing the worst football of his career.

-The Bills are basically a reincarnation of the Randall Cunningham-led Eagles of the late 80s-early 90s. Fun but fraudulent.

-The 7-5 Lions are currently on the outside looking in of the NFC Playoff picture and face a quasi elimination game against the Cowboys in Week 14.

-The Rams Super Bowl train and Matt Stafford’s MVP campaign both got derailed by of all teams, the Panthers.

-The Bucs are starting to get healthy but they have a -22 point differential to go along with a hobbled Baker Mayfield.

-Meanwhile, the Broncos, Patriots, Bears, Texans, Packers, Jaguars, 49ers, and … [checks notes] … Cowboys (!?!?) are all peaking at the right time.

In other words, the old guard is fucked. Make way for the new kids.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Indiana Purdy Mouth

Huge week for the Purdy Mouth as they moved one step closer to seizing the New York Division crown, thanks in part to the Seattle D racking up a whopping 30 points. A win next week will get it done, but a loss will make it a bit more difficult despite ranking 2nd in total points scored. That would kinda suck, so don’t fuck it up, fellas.

The Shake and Bake Player of the Week: AJ Brown

10 catches, 132 yards, 2 TDs. It seems only fitting that Brown balled out in a season-crippling loss to the Bears. Hurts sucked, Barkley sucked, and the coaches, of course, sucked. But good ol’ Arthur Juan decided to finally earn his money. In fact, since telling some live-streamer named Jankyrondo that fantasy owners should trade him, he’s the number 2 overall wide receiver. Yup, being an Eagles fan is maddening.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: JSN

2 catches, 23 yards, 0 TDs. After running pure for 11 straight games, JSN was due for a faceplant. Luckily, the Seahawks didn’t need him thanks to their ferocious defense feasting on a quarterback no one knew existed before this weekend.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey

35 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 3 catches for 27 yards. It wasn’t the greatest week for young bucks, but Harvey wins the prize for being another in a long line of Bronco players to help extract victory from the jaws of defeat. At some point, they’re gonna get got, right?

The Truth Really, Really, Really Hurts

Poor Geno has been sacked 25 times in the last four games. By all measures, he should be dead.

The Fender Bender Injury Report

It was another relatively light week for breaks and tears. Maybe the Injury Gods have forgiven me for calling them massive dicks earlier in the season.

Justin Herbert – Broken hand, unknown. Herbert underwent a “procedure” to repair a broken bone in his left hand. If he sits next week, Trey Lance will have the privilege of scoring more points than the Eagles on Monday Night Football.

Aaron Jones – Shoulder, day-to-day. Just pack it in, Aaron. When your best quarterback is Carson Wentz, you got serious problems.

Marvin Harrison Jr – Heel, week-to-week. Just pack it in, Marv. When your best quarterback is Jacoby Brissett, you got serious problems.

Parker Washington – Hip, unknown. Parker leads the team in receptions and receiving touchdowns, which is equal parts impressive and pathetic.

‘Welcome to the NFL’ Implosion of the Week: Max Brosmer

I had never heard the name Max Brosmer until he was announced as the Vikings starting quarterback. Apparently he played one year at the University of Minnesota. And on Sunday, the Vikings thought it was a good idea to send him out to face the Seahawks 3rd ranked defense. The results went as expected.

Let’s check in on Justin Jefferson owners:

The Giants Can’t Stop Gianting

I mean, what are we even doing with footies? Enough is enough.

Week 14 Gold Standard Matchup: Billies vs Excuses

The top 2 teams in the Carolina Division throwing down in the final week of the regular season? It doesn’t get any better than that. Mahomes vs Mayfield, JT vs Bijan, Lamb vs Puka. Hell yeah, brother! A loss for the Billies might end their playoff hopes, so, ya know, I would strongly suggest not losing.

Week 12 Recap: Money For Nothing

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This week’s recap was delayed due to my detainment for an egging incident that took place at Nick Sirianni’s house late Monday night. I’ve been advised to say nothing. All I will say is if I did do it, I wouldn’t be foolish enough to leave an eggy glove at the scene of the alleged crime. I’ll also be dedicating all of my spare time to find the real egger.

Speaking of unsolved mysteries, let’s check in on how the Gulfman League playoff race is shaping up. Will anyone be screwed out of a berth because total points isn’t the determining metric used to qualify? Inquiring minds.

In the Carolina Division, the Billies and Excuses are sitting at 9-3 and odds are one will seize the crown. However, the 7-5 Evergreens lead the league in points scored by over 100 and have reeled off five straight wins. And the Dogs, winners of 3 in a row, are catching fire at the right time.

Meanwhile, the New York Division title is a battle between the Wookilars, Purdy Mouth, and Schrody. The Mouth hold a slight edge in points over the Wooks, but both squads are on 2-game losing streaks. Neither can ill afford another trip-up if they want a shot to achieve playoff glory.

Strap in, kids. A fantastic finish is on the horizon.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Blind Monkeys

I prognosticated last week that the unseeing simians were in a great spot to end their winless suffering, and hot damn, they did just that! Recent addition Michael Wilson continued to look way better than Marv Harrison Jr. and AJ Brown took a break from cryptic tweeting and leaking drama to Eagles “insiders” to score a touchdown. Well done, AJ. I’m sure you’ll be much happier after the Eagles trade you to the Raiders in the offseason.

The You’re a Disease and I’m the Cure Player of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs

219 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 11 catches, 45 yards, 1 TD. The great debate come draft time next summer will be which stud running back will go number one overall — Gibbs or Jonathan Taylor? Yeah, give me Gibbs all day long. Taylor is being run into the ground similar to the way Saquon was in 2024, plus he’s 3 years older. If the Lions ever get rid of David Montgomery, Gibbs will deliver a LaDainian Tomlinson type season.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Lamar Jackson

164 total yards, 0 touchdowns. Oof. Lamar has looked like shit since returning from injury. Sure, the Browns and Jets are solid on defense, but he isn’t even running anymore. If he flops against the LOL Bengals on Turkey Day, concern will continue to swell in Ravens Nation. Another postseason collapse is imminent.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty

108 total yards, 8 catches, 1 TD. Jeanty was handed a gift this week after the Raiders finally fired Chip Dip Kelly. That should’ve happened weeks ago. Correction, he never should’ve been hired in the first place. Chip Kelly is a fucking moron… and quite possibly a lizard person.

Nut Shot of the Week

As if the 49ers haven’t endured enough pain and agony this season, now they have to worry about random nut punches. This kind of testicle abuse must be banned! Oh, never mind. Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies are too busy inventing new ways to ban the dreaded tush push, which of course is a much bigger threat to player safety.

The Fury Road Injury Report

Hey, not a lot of post apocalyptic carnage on the injury front. Be thankful.

Tee Higgins – Concussion, week-to-week. The bad news is Tee will miss the Thanksgiving tilt with Baltimore. The good news is he didn’t spit on anyone before or after he was concussed.

Baker Mayfield – Shoulder sprain, week-to-week. Bucs have lost 3 straight and now Baker is banged up. We’re looking at a 9-8 NFC South Champion, which is very NFC South.

Alvin Kamara – Knee, unknown. Fun fact: Kamara has never rushed for 1000 yards in a season.

Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Wiener vs Lame

Showdowns like this are why we play fantasy football. Well, that and the opportunity to lord dominance over leaguemates after we humiliate them. If the Lame ones win, they all but assure a playoff berth. But if the Dogs break the skin and ragdoll the Excuses they will find themselves in the thick of the playoff hunt. Lamar vs Mahomes. Gibbs vs JT. Kittle vs Andrews. Sign me the fuck up!

Good luck to everyone. I’m off to watch the greatest Thanksgiving movie ever made.

Week 11 Recap: November Rain

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We’ve reached the point in the season when the frauds begin to rear their disgusting heads. Obsequious ball-knowers, All-22 tape grinders, and Twitter analytic bros love to pretend that the likes of Sam Darnold, Jared Goff, and Justin Herbert are not only legitimate MVP candidates, but also capable of leading their respective teams to Super Bowl titles. Of course, this is utter nonsense.

  • Darnold: 29/44, 279 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTS
  • Goff: 14/37, 255 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
  • Herbert: 10/18, 81 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT

Three huge games, three epic flops from supposed elite quarterbacks. Simps will farm excuses like bad matchup, inclement weather, and cluster injuries, but the bottom line is when it matters most, all three of these desperate to be relevant signal-callers succumb to a severe case of shrinkage.

Let’s be real. There’s a handful of quarterbacks who can win the Super Bowl and this terrible trio isn’t among them. Neither is Jordan Love. Neither is Daniel Jones. Neither is Dak Prescott. And neither is, that’s right, Lamar Jackson.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies

The Billies maintained their grip on the league’s best record by dispatching Schrody (and Quentin Jonnston’s second Blutarsky of the season). Led by Bijan “I’m Wasting my Prime in Hell” Robinson and Travis “Tree Trunk” Kelce, Dark Corner moved one step closer to capturing the Carolina Division crown.

The I’m The Juggernaut, Bitch Player of the Week: Josh Allen

317 yards passing, 3 TDs; 40 yards rushing, 3 TDs. As he is wont to do a few times each season, the reigning MVP donned his Superman cape and carried the we’re talking proud Bills to victory. And he’s probably going to have to do this a lot more considering the Buffalo defense just allowed 200 yards rushing to a pass-first Bucs team without their number one running back.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Ja’Marr Chase

3 catches, 30 yards, 1 suspension for spitting. Listen, I get that playing for the Bengals is infinite misery, but hocking a loogie on an opposing player while getting destroyed in a key rivalry game is fucking stupid. I’m sure Chase will enjoy not having to face the Patriots in Week 12, but his fantasy owners seem less than enthusiastic.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: TreVeyon Henderson

62 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 5 catches, 31 yards, 1 TD. Credit the Purdy Mouth for snagging Henderson off waivers a few weeks back. I didn’t even realize he was available, which speaks to my not-remotely-locked-in mindset. But enough about my failings. After a slow start, Hendo has the look of a league winner. His next three games are against the Bengals, Giants, and Bills.

LOL Image of the Week

via @Ihartitz

It just goes to show that playcallers matter. One guy has Ben Johnson designing the offense and the other guy has Kevin Patullo.

The Rage Virus Injury Report

The injury bug continues to spread with no cure in sight.

Michael Penix, Jr – Knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The Falcons haven’t had a winning season since 2017. Also, Penix sucks.

Drake London – Knee, week-to-week. When he returns, he’ll get to catch passes from Kirk Cousins.

JK Dobbins – Foot, OUT FOR SEASON. Three teams, three significant injuries. Dobbins has had a rough go of it. He’ll make a great Commander in 2026.

Josh Jacobs – Knee, week-to-week. The Packers only reliable offensive player being hurt is less than ideal for a team with fading playoff hopes.

Calvin Ridley – Broken fibula, OUT FOR SEASON. The good news is he doesn’t have to play out the string for the miserable Titans.

Kimani Vidal – Quad, week-to-week. The Chargers are once again on the verge of going full Chargers.

Jaylen Warren – Ankle, week-to-week. Kenny Gainwell is better than Warren. Yeah, I said it.

Aaron Rodgers – Slightly broken wrist, unknown. Only Rodgers could suffer a “slight” break in his wrist. I really hope he follows in the footsteps of Brett Favre and signs with the Vikings next offseason.

Emari Demercado – Ankle, week-to-week. Do NOT sign with the Cardinals if you’re a free agent running back. It won’t end well.

Dillon Gabriel – Concussion, week-to-week. I feel bad that Gabriel got his bell rung, but it allowed us a sneak peek at the disaster that is Shedeur Sanders.

Hey, at least he didn’t sexually assault any massage therapists.

That’s My Quarterback! of the Week: Adam Trautman

How come Jalen Hurts’ teammates don’t defend him like this? Oh, that’s because they hate him with a passion even though he just led them to a Super Bowl championship. To be fair, it wouldn’t be an Eagles season without locker room strife and media manufactured turmoil.

Week 12 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Monkeys

It’s been a long season for both squads, but only the visually impaired primates have yet to notch a W. This might be their best chance get off the schneid. Stafford draws the Bucs, Henry faces the Jets, and Judkins gets the privilege of toying with the LOL Raiders. And maybe, just maybe, AJ Brown will stop whining long enough to finish running a route and catch a touchdown pass.

Week 8 Recap: Trash Day

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It was a bad week for fans of competitive football. Lopsided games were all the rage. Behold, the final scores!

  • 37-10
  • 34-10
  • 32-13
  • 38-20
  • 40-9
  • 30-16
  • 26-15
  • 23-3
  • 44-24
  • 38-14
  • 35-25
  • 28-7

And the Raiders, Jaguars, and Cardinals were on a bye or it would’ve been worse. Yeah, the season is going great.

And because the football Gods have a cruel sense of humor, the lone close game was Jets-Bengals, a game only masochists sat down to watch. A duel between recently benched Justin Fields and 40-year-old Joe Flacco. A game the Jets won, which only serves to fuck up the chances they will secure the number one overall pick in the 2026 Draft, something they desperately need (along with a new owner and head coach).

Peeking at the Week 9 schedule and, hoo boy, it looks grim. But hey, at least we get another round of Chiefs vs Bills. The nonstop fellating of Patty Mahomes and Josh Allen by all of sports media should be fun… right?

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

Schrody knocked off the mighty Lame ones and did so with Quentin Johnston doing his annual October disappearing act and Deebo doing Deebo things like bungling gimme screen passes that turn into interceptions. Fortunately, Love, Cook, and Goedert showed up to work and kicked ass. As long as Schrody keeps zeroes like QJ and Deebo on the bench, they’ll be just fine.

The Groovy Player of the Week: Tucker Kraft

7 catches, 143 yards, 2 TDs. Seems only fitting that on National Tight Ends Day that a tight end win this coveted award. Kraft pretty much wrecked the fraud Steelers all by himself. His performance also vaulted him up the all-time Kraft rankings.

#1 Kraft Mac & Cheese

#2 Kraftwerk

#3 Tucker Kraft

#4 Massage Parlor Bob Kraft

#5 Austrian Ski Jumper Stefan Kraft

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bijan Robinson

48 total yards, 0 TDs, 1 lost fumble. The Falcons have now been shutout by the Panthers and destroyed at home by the Pretty Porpoises. I feel sorry for Bijan. He’s destined to waste his prime years anchored to a franchise mired in mediocrity that continues to crush the hopes of its tortured fanbase year after year.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey

7 carries, 46 yards, 2 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yards, 1 TD. Of course Harvey waited until he played my shitty team to deliver a breakout performance. Every god damn Bronco except Courtland Sutton scored against the LOL Cowboys. I blame Chauncey Billups. He obviously rigged the game to screw me. It’s the only logical explanation.

LOL Image of the Week

What the hell is going on with the Steelers throwback uniforms? These things are hideous. Need I remind you, this isn’t the first time they’ve committed fashion murder.

Somehow this franchise has 6 Super Bowl wins.

The Black Knight Injury Report

The Black Knight always triumphs, so there isn’t much to report this week.

Cam Skattebo – Ankle, OUT FOR SEASON. Good night, sweet prince. Your reckless abandon running style and penchant to headbutt the nearest wall will be missed.

Quinshon Judkins – Shoulder, day-to-day. He should be fine. Well, the shoulder should be fine. He still plays for the Browns.

Saquon Barkley – Groin, day-to-day. The 2024 Saquon finally made an appearance on Sunday. Thanks for waiting 8 weeks. I really appreciate it.

Terrry McLaurin – Quad, unknown. Not So Scary Terry returned from his quad injury and promptly aggravated said quad. Well done.

Joe Flacco – Shoulder, day-to-day. Losing to the Jets is injury enough.

Carson Wentz – Shoulder, OUT FOR SEASON. The 2025 Carson Wentz Experience ends with 6 TDs, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, and 19 sacks taken.

The Hey NFL, Go Fuck Yourself of the Week: Al Michaels

Al Michaels has had it with the NFL’s bullshit. Some dickless flunky called into the booth on Thursday Night Football to “correct” Michaels’ assertion that Will Reichard’s lone missed field goal this season hit a wire during one of the godawful London games the league subjects players and fans to every fucking season.

The kick in question from Week 5:

I’m no Abraham Zapruder but it sure looks like that football makes an abrupt right turn. The league disagrees:

Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs Wookilars

A pair of 6-2 squads throwing down highlights the Week 9 slate. We get Mahomes vs Allen, Lamb vs The Sun God, and JT vs Kyren. Now we’re talking! As long as JT doesn’t rush for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, this one should be close. What are the odds that happens?

Week 7 Recap: Blue Monday

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About 5 minutes into the 4th quarter of the Giants-Broncos tilt on Sunday, I was prepared to declare Big Blue as a team on the rise. A team no longer the portrait of professional football ineptitude. A team no longer considered a perpetual punchline. A team no longer defined by asinine front office decisions and astounding coaching blunders. After all, they were about to defeat the defending Super Bowl champs and a stout Denver team in back-to-back weeks.

And then, well, they went full Giants.

Allowing 33 points in the 4th quarter seems bad because it is bad. Being the first team in 1602 games to lose when leading by 18+ points with 6 minutes remaining seems bad because it is bad. Missing 2 extra points in a 1-point game seems bad because it is bad.

You are what you are until you aren’t. And right now, the Giants are still a team that can’t get out of their own way. However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Jaxson Dart has some Josh Allen in him, Cam Skattebo is of a bygone era, and when healthy, Malik Nabers is a Top 5 receiver.

Moreover, it could be worse. They could be the Jets.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Lame Excuses

No flimsy justifications needed for the Lame ones in Week 7. They just flat out dominated the Monkeys, led by MVP frontrunner Patty Mahomes, OPOY frontrunner Johnathan Taylor, and back from injury CeeDee Lamb. The Excuses top the league in points scored and show no signs of slowing down. Rumor has it they enjoy humiliating opponents. I mean, REALLY enjoy it. Like in a disturbing way. One anonymous source describes them as a “team of sociopaths.” Uh, should I be scared?

The Boats and Hoes Player of the Week: DeVonta Smith

9 catches for 183 yards, 1 TD. I called out Jalen Hurts last week to figure it the fuck out and lo and behold, he did exactly that against the Vikings. AJ Brown could also be in this spot, but I’m going with Smitty because he’s easily the most undervalued wide receiver in football. The Slim Reaper set a career-high in yards, and even lobbied for moron Kevin Patullo to call the play that resulted in a 79-yard TD grab after identifying a tendency in the Vikings coverage. Shit, just make him Offensive Coordinator.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Tua Tagovailoa

100 yards passing, 3 INTs, 3 fumbles, 1 benching. Tua’s 2025 cap number is $39 million. Next season that number balloons to $56 million, or 19% of the entire salary cap. His career record is 39-30 and he has zero playoff wins. He’s careless with the football, injury prone, and enjoys throwing teammates under the bus. Yeah, he’ll definitely be a Jet in 2026.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Quinshon Judkins

25 carries, 84 yards, 3 TDs. Wait, a Browns player did something right? Say it ain’t so. Oh, it be so. Judkins single-handedly shredded the pretty porpoises and is pretty much carrying the entire offense. Not bad for a dude who didn’t sign his rookie contract until the day before the season due to assault charges that were eventually dropped. In other words, according to Johnny Law, he’s not a piece of shit. However, he’s a Cleveland Brown, so he still might be a piece of shit. Stay tuned!

LOL Image of the Week

A) The Chiefs’ ‘we’re pissed for blowing the three-peat’ revenge tour took a few weeks to get rolling but it appears to be full steam ahead, so the rest of the league should probably look the fuck out.

B) Pete Carroll needs to wash his hands of the mess that are the Raiders and retire before he tarnishes his legacy. At the very least he needs to fire Chip Kelly. Chip Dip has ruined enough teams already.

The We Got a Bleeder Injury Report

Unfortunately, it looks like both the frank and beans got caught in the zipper this week.

Jayden Daniels – Hamstring, week-to-week. It was all puppy dogs and rainbows for Daniels last season. This season, not so much as the Commanders continue to slide down the standings in the NFC.

Bryce Young – High ankle sprain, at least 2 weeks. Fire up the Red Rifle for the suddenly red hot Panthers!

Michael Penix – Bruised foot, day-to-day. You don’t say?

Mike Evans – Broken collarbone + concussion, likely done for season. Damn. The Bucs might have worse injury luck than the 49ers.

Nico Collins – Concussion, week-to-week. Considering that Nico is the Texans only good offensive player, his loss is less than ideal (analysis).

Darren Waller – Strained pec, week-to-week. Now that he’s hurt, will Waller retire from football again only to unretire from rapping?

Kendre Miller – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. The Saints are by far the best of the shitty teams. So at least they got that going for them.

Hello, Old Friend

Whoa, take it easy big fella. Celebrating is cool and everything but Rodgers is a geriatric whose bones have been severely weakened from years of injecting horse tranquilizers and ketamine. Also, I can’t believe it took me seven weeks before mentioning my favorite conspiracy theorist. Thankfully, I have atoned for this blatant miscarriage of justice.

Week 8 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Dogs

Both teams need a win to keep their dismal playoff chances alive. No Gibbs for Weiner, but Lamar should return from his bad hammy. Meanwhile, the Assassins will attempt to cobble together a lineup consisting of egregious busts and chronic underachievers. Who am I kidding, this matchup will be the equivalent of watching the 1994 Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl. If you know, you know.

Week 6 Recap: Mr. Brightside

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There’s a narrative forming that the 2025 NFL season sucks. I don’t know who (couldn’t be me) ignited this campaign of misinformation, but the army of negative Neds must be stopped before their toxic propaganda infects the masses. Allow me to be a sliver of light during these dark times.

Sure, the Eagles are a dysfunctional mess with an imbecile calling plays, but Nick Sirianni and Kevin Patullo are strengthening their bond of friendship as the team circles the drain. Remember, friendship is forever.

Sure, Justin Fields took 9 sacks and passed for -10 yards, but he didn’t commit any turnovers. In fact, he’s yet to throw an interception this season and has only 2 fumbles. You can’t teach that kind of ball security.

Sure, the Dolphins are 1-5 and Tua called out his teammates for being uncaring losers, but head coach Mike McDaniel still has a job. I have faith his determined leadership will right the ship.

Sure, the Browns have started 41 different quarterbacks since 1999, but only one of them is a massage parlor sex pest, and it’s not current starter Dillon Gabriel. I call that progress.

Sure, the Ravens have been decimated by injuries on both sides of the ball, but Lamar is coming back and they have plenty of games left to rebound before losing to the Chiefs in the playoffs.

Sure, the Cowboys defense is a DEFCON 1 laughingstock, but Micha Parsons’ 2.5 sacks is tied for 40th in the league, which proves Jerry Jones was right to trade him.

Sure, the Lions once again lost to a good team on the road, but at least Aaron Glenn is no longer associated with the team.

Sure, the Bills have looked like shit since Week 1, but Josh Allen is healthy and they have plenty of games left to rebound before losing to the Chiefs in the playoffs.

As you can see, there’s plenty of positivity brimming across the league. Ignore the haters.

Big Ern McCracken’s Teams of the Week: Indiana Purdy Mouth and We’re Not Xavier Worthy

For the first time in Stud Running Back history I’m splitting this coveted award right down the middle. The Mouth and the Worthy have both achieved temporary legendary status for knocking off the league’s remaining unbeaten squads in dominating fashion. Of course, piss tests revealed Tony Mandarich-level PEDs coursing through the veins of both teams, but I don’t even care. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Well done, boys.

The I Feel Kind of Invincible Player of the Week: Bijan Robinson

170 yards rushing, 1 TD; 6 catches, 68 yards. Back in the day, I watched the Falcons play the Eagles inside the old Georgia Dome. Per usual, Philly hooligans showed up in droves armed with an array of insults to hurl upon the home team fans. To their credit, the Falcons faithful took the abuse in stride, gave it back in kind throughout the game, and did so without incident. It was good-natured (relatively) fun, which isn’t always the case. Anyway, Bijan is the best all-around running back in football.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Losers of the Week: The Jets

The NFL needs to adopt the Premier League’s relegation so the Jets (and Browns) can be flushed into the sewer of despair where they rightfully belong. Enough already with this garbage franchise. They won’t be missed, even by whatever remains of their sad, pathetic fanbase.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Cam Skattebo

98 yards rushing, 3 TDs; 2 catches 12 yards. The lovechild of John Riggins and Mike Alstott smashed the once vaunted Eagles defense last Thursday night. It was like witnessing a grizzly bear rip apart a troop of Boy Scouts. Dare I say it, the Giants are actually entertaining! All they had to do was jettison Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones, and lose Malik Nabers to a season-ending injury. That’s so Giants.

LeBron James Flop of the Week: JuJu Smith-Schuster

LOL. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought JuJu was doused in battery acid. Sign him up for the WWE. His kayfabe is elite.

Heads Will Roll: Brian Callahan

Anyone holding Mike McDaniel ‘First Head Coach to Be Fired’ tickets are punching air. And by anyone I mean me — I’m punching air. That’s because Brian Callahan proved to be the bigger donkey after compiling a pathetic 4-19 record over 1+ seasons. Congratulations, Brian. Your inability to inspire greatness is impressive.

The Heaven’s Gate Injury Report

The Hail-Bopp comet entered Earth’s orbit on Sunday and brought along a crate of fresh Nike kicks.

Puka Nacua – Ankle, week-to-week. Puka gets hurt a lot! That’s why I didn’t draft him. Yup, that’s the reason. I’m smart, not dumb.

Emeka Egbuka – Hamstring, week-to-week. Baker Mayfield was throwing touchdowns to Johnson and Johnson on Sunday.

I have no idea who these guys are, but if Mayfield can turn random dudes into playmakers what excuse does Jalen Hurts have? You play with AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith, Jalen. Figure it the fuck out!

Garrett Wilson – Knee, 2-3 weeks. How does a receiver get hurt when his offense passes for -10 yards? Oh, he plays for the Jets. Case closed.

Marvin Harrison, Jr. – Concussion, week-to-week. Marv Jr. sure has had a topsy-turvy start to his career.

Calvin Ridley – Hamstring, week-to-week. Missing games for the Titans sounds like paradise.

Jauan Jennings – Entire body, unknown. Jennings revealed after the loss to the Bucs that he’s been playing with five broken ribs and high and low ankle sprains. And? Try harder, bro.

David Njoku – Knee, week-to-week. Dillon Gabriel? Yeah, he ain’t it.

DJ Moore – Groin, day-to-day. I don’t watch Monday Night games because they are generally ass, so I’m not exactly sure what happened to Moore. But Ben Johnson had this to say regarding Moore:

“It was a groin deal that he was dealing with and I think we’re going to be OK.”

Ben Johnson

Anthony Richardson – Orbital fracture, no one cares. A-Rich fractured his orbital bone while using an arm band during warmups.

In addition, cornerback Charvarius Ward suffered a concussion prior to kickoff. What the hell is going on in Indianapolis? Is Shane Steichen running Squid Games during warmups?

Week 7 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Beasts

With names like Hurts, Jefferson, Warren, Herbert, Dowdle, and McBride, there’s no shortage of fantasy goodness to enjoy. It also marks the highly anticipated return of Rashee Rice from his 6-game suspension:

Buckle up, folks!

Week 5 Recap: The Great Pretender

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The last two undefeated teams have fallen, which begs the question: are there actually any good NFL teams? It’s easy to identify the dregs of the league, but the so-called contenders all appear to have significant flaws.

The Bills went toe-to-toe in beating the Week 1 Ravens that weren’t yet ravaged by injuries, but subsequent victories over the LOL Jets, ROFL Dolphins, and LMAO Saints are unimpressive, and losing at home to the rival Patriots in primetime is not Penske material.

Meanwhile, the defending champion Eagles are a Jekyll-Hyde horror show due in large part to donkey offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo, and drama magnet AJ Brown, who’s been pouting nonstop ever since Jalen Hurts stole his milk money.

The Colts might be legit but similar to the Bills, they have wins over shit teams like the Titans, Dolphins, and Raiders. The Steelers are 3-1 with a -2 point differential. The Bucs can score at will, but their defense is putrid. The Jags are somehow 4-1 with wins over the 49ers and Chiefs, but they’re still the Jags.

The Pats, Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Rams, Seahawks, Commanders and Packers have shown glimpses of greatness, but none have displayed the gravitas needed for Colin Cowherd to captain a way too early Super Bowl bandwagon that he will inevitably abandon by November.

That leaves the 49ers, who have miraculously overcome their starting offense taking up residence in the medical tent, and the Lions, who once again boast the league’s most potent offense but are once again hampered by a defense that can’t stay healthy.

My hope is that everyone finishes 10-7 and complex math formulas are required to determine which teams advance to the playoffs. Then the fanbases of the teams that don’t make it can spend the offseason whimpering and pleading to Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies to change the rules.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies

The Billies started Justice Hill and still racked up 166 points, thanks to 61 combined from the Mayfield-Egbuka connection and 18 from their fucking footie. I have no idea what a ThrillBillie is and quite frankly I don’t want to know. All I do know is this team is crushing opponents every week and is a frontrunner to win the 2025 Gulfman League title. I mean, Bijan was on a bye and they still dominated. Good luck to the rest of us.

The Get Away From Her, You Bitch Player of the Week: Rico Dowdle

23 carries, 206 yards, 1 TD; 3 catches, 28 yards. I’m not sure if this stat line is indicative of Dowdle’s talent or Miami’s lack thereof. Whatever the case, he absolutely dunked on the Pretty Porpoises, delivering the best pigskin performance by a Rico since this legend:

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Geno Smith

228 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 4 sacks taken. I keep hearing that Geno is an underrated and overlooked quarterback, but every time I turn on the tape I see nothing but Blake Bortles-level incompetence. How many times has Geno thrown an interception this season?

Sounds like the perfect Raiders quarterback.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Jacory Croskey-Merritt

14 carries, 111 yards, 2 TDs; 2 catches, 39 yards. Apparently, Croskey-Merritt goes by Bill. Where the hell did Bill come from? I could understand JCM or Jacko, or something a little broader like Cross-Fit. But Bill? C’mon Jacory, do better with the nicknames.

LOL Image of the Week

Mark Sanchez was so disgusted by this graphic that he stabbed an old man over a parking spot.

How the Tennessee Titans Score Touchdowns

Just like they drew it up in the playbook.

Baker Mayfield Appreciation Video of the Week

How can anyone not like Baker Mayfield? All the guy does is ball out and win nearly every time he steps on the field. Lest we forget, the Browns traded Mayfield to the Panthers for a conditional 5th-round draft pick in 2022. Since then he’s thrown for 89 touchdowns and led the Bucs to back-to-back playoff appearances. Meanwhile, the Browns are, well, the Browns:

Trade Alert: Flacco is a Bengal!

Speaking of the Browns, the second Joe Flacco era in Cleveland is over after 2 TD passes, 6 interceptions and a 1-3 record. Now he gets to play behind a worse O-line and with a defense that allows 31.2 points per game. Is he an upgrade over Jake Browning…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Judgment Day Injury Report

I guess the Injury Gods took offense to me calling them massive dicks because this week they decided to drop a Fat Man and Little Boy on my roster. They even killed my kicker (which I’m totally fine with BTW).

Saquon Barkley – Knee, day-to-day. The 2024 Barkley has been MIA and now he has a bum knee. I shoulda known.

Omarion Hampton – Ankle, placed on IR. Like fucking clockwork, the once 3-0 Chargers are going full Chargers. It must suck to be one of their 8 fans.

Brock Bowers – Knee, week-to-week. He hurt his knee in Week 1 but the dipshit Raiders kept playing him so now the knee is really fucked. Mark Davis makes Jerry Jones look like Copernicus.

Chuba Hubbard – Calf, week-to-week. After watching what Rico just did, Chuba probably wants to get back ASAP.

Darius Slayton – Hammy, unknown. Considering the state of the Giants wide receiving corps, I wouldn’t be surprised if Victor Cruz and David Tyree suit up on Thursday night.

Brenton Strange – Hip, placed on IR. Without Strange, the Jags will have to rely on more touchdowns like this:

Motivational Coaching Moment of the Week: Jonathan Gannon

Jonathan Gannon is a mental midget (who was also just fined $100K, LOL) but I certainly understand why he went full sperg on Emari Demercado.

Ahh yes, another touchdown-erasing premature celebration that would make DeSean Jackson proud. It seems like we get one of these a week, which is yet another reason why the NFL product is becoming unwatchable slop. Other reasons being abysmal officiating, moronic coaching, terrible quarterback play, and mind-numbing overanalysis. But hey, at least we’re getting more international games! Just what everyone asked for, right?

Week 6 Gold Standard Matchup: Schrodinger vs Weiner

As exciting as it will be to watch James Cook and Jahmyr Gibbs go head-to-head, I’m looking forward to seeing which Chargers receiver Justin Herbert will favor — Quentin Johnston or Ladd McConkey. Ladd was the apple of Herbie’s eye last season, but so far this year it’s been all QJ. If I were Ladd, I’d slip some laxative into Quentin’s pregame protein shake. It’s a proven strategy.

Week 4 Recap: Strange Brew

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Week 4 was a someone spiked the Gatorade week. The list of oddities that unfurled is extensive but I’ll do my best to summarize the strangeness.

-Marvin Harrison Jr. actually caught a touchdown pass

-Kenny Gainwell rushed for 99 yards and 2 TDs and caught 6 balls for 35 yards

-Drake London and Kyle Pitts both caught touchdowns thrown by Kirk Cousins Michael Penix Jr.

-The Bills failed to cover the -16.5 spread against the Saints

-The Lions only scored 34 points at home (impossible!)

-The corpse of Stefon Diggs went over 100 yards

-The unbeaten Chargers had a meltdown against the hapless Giants

-Jalen Hurts went 0 for 8 for zero yards passing in the 2nd half… and the Eagles won anyway

-The Titans were shut out by the Texans, prompting this gem from Cam Ward:

-Colts receiver Adonai Mitchell fumbled through the back of the endzone to cost his team a score, and then committed an egregious holding penalty that negated a Jonathan Taylor touchdown run

-Lamar Jackson played like shit against the Chiefs — Editor’s Note: That’s completely normal

-And last but certainly not least, the paper tiger Packers and LOL Cowboys played to a 40-40 tie… and Dak didn’t choke once!

I swear it’s all true. Or maybe it isn’t. It’s not like anyone is fact checking this crap.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

182 points? Calm the fuck down, Schrody. Save some for November when it really matters. The duo of Love/Jacobs combined for over 60 points and only that bum Chig Okonkwo failed to hit double digits. If they didn’t leave Goedert’s 19.7 points on the pine, they would’ve netted 200 for the week. Someone needs to be catapulted into a pit of Nile crocodiles for that mistake. I suggest Chig.

The Bad Mother Fucker Player of the Week: Puka Nacua

13 catches, 170 yards, 1 TD. One of my biggest blunders in 35 years of playing fake football is not selecting Puka in the 2nd round of this year’s draft. I was shocked he was still available and yet I passed on him. Whatever excuses I conjured in my mind were, in a word, stupid. Even if Stafford’s spine snaps in half at some point, the sky won’t fall. As long as Jimmy G is fed a steady diet of porn stars to bang, he’ll be ready to go. Anyway, Puka is fucking unstoppable.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Derrick Henry

8 carries, 42 yards; 2 catches, 16 yards. 2024 seems like a decade ago the way Big Dawg is playing. He looks slow, can’t stop fumbling, and brings little as a pass catcher. Even more concerning is the Ravens leaky D, which has allowed 116 points in 3 losses. Plus, Justice Hill is the preferred ‘chasing points’ back and has proven to be adept in that role. Henry often makes his detractors eat their words, but time may have finally caught up to him.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty

138 yards rushing, 1 TD; 2 catches, 17 yards, 2 TDs. After shitting the bed for 3 weeks, Jeanty erupted to such a degree that he nearly single-handedly vaulted the Raiders to victory. I say “nearly” because, well, it’s the Raiders so of course they pissed the game away thanks to another blocked field goal.

The They Don’t Even Try to Block of the Week: The Texans

Not blocking the nose tackle is a choice. I’ve always believed CJ Stroud is fool’s gold, but this is ridiculous. What the hell is he supposed to do?

The Pompeii Injury Report

The Injury Gods are being dicks this season. I mean, they’re dicks every year, but the 2025 dicks are massive. Huge dicks. Monstrous dicks. Redwood tree-sized dicks. Enormous, throbbing… you get the point.

Malik Nabers – Torn ACL, SEASON OVER. As much as I lampoon the Giants, I was looking forward to watching the Dart-Nabers connection. Alas, the Giants are a cursed franchise ensconced in misery and failure. But hey, at least they won!

Lamar Jackson – Hamstring, week-to-week. Baltimore’s upcoming schedule is sorta favorable so maybe they can survive a few weeks with Cooper Rush?

Tyreke Hill – Destroyed knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The paws have finally fallen off the Cheetah. Hill is probably a piece of shit, but man was he fun to watch in his prime.

Bucky Irving – Ankle, week-to-week. If the Bucs ever get their entire starting offense on the field together, look the fuck out. All these dudes can ball.

Jaylen Warren – Knee, unknown. The Steelers claim Warren missed the Dublin game due to a knee ailment. However, my totally reliable sources tell me Warren skipped off to London to cosplay as Ron Weasley at a Harry Potter convention. Apparently, Warren loves “The Weaz.”

Ricky Pearsall, Jauan Jennings, Brock Purdy – Stuff, whatever. All three played on Sunday and all three got hurt again. I can’t with this team anymore.

Cedric Tillman – Hamstring, multiple weeks. He’s a Browns wide receiver so he’s already been missing for weeks.

Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. Yeah, no one cares.

Joe Alt – High ankle, 2-4 weeks. I normally ignore O-lineman injuries but with Rashawn Slater already out for the year, should Alt miss significant time, the Chargers are poised to once again go full Chargers, especially after faceplanting against the Giants.

Coaching Kerfuffle of the Week: Coen vs Saleh

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Brouhaha by the Bay? Skirmish in San Francisco? Loggerheads at Levi’s Stadium? Nope. Just pencil-necked Liam Coen meagerly attempting to start shit with meathead Robert Saleh, who responded in kind with this banger:

“I will fuck your world up. You don’t wanna fuck with me. I will fucking end your fucking life.”

totally not unhinged robert saleh

A) Coen definitely shat himself.

B) Saleh has definitely killed before.

C) LOL!!!

Week 5 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Wookilars

Oh yeah, brother. I love me an elite QB/WR combo taking on another elite QB/WR combo, and this tussle fits the bill. The Ninjas boast Hurts and Jefferson while the Wooks counter with Allen and the Sun God. The winner shall bathe in the blood of the loser… wait, what? Eh, that sounds pretty extreme, but that’s what my crack research staff tells me, so I’m rolling with it. Let the bloodletting commence!

Week 3 Recap: Trampled Under Foot

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You know some shit went down when I’m dedicating time to talk about kickers. Anyone who has taken a cursory glance at these recaps is well aware I despise footies. I loathe them with every fiber of my being. They are, without question, a blight on the NFL and the world at large.

Despite my best efforts to cast out these demons, they still remain, like an incurable plague sweeping across the league. An evil presence whose sole reason for existing is to fuck up my football viewing experience. If it were socially acceptable to burn them at the stake, I would do so without remorse. Instead, I get to spew bile and vitriol as I detail how this scourge ruined Week 3.

Our descent into the abyss begins with the monumentally stupid Atlanta Falcons. Ya see, the Falcons cut Younghoe Koo after he missed a Week 1 kick that would’ve sent the game into overtime versus the rival Bucs. Okay fine, Koo sucked. His replacement, Parker Romo, would proceed to go 5-5 in a Week 2 victory over the Vikings. Problem solved, right? WRONG. Romo lived up to his shrivels in the spotlight last name by going 0-2 as the Falcons were humiliated 30-0 by the — checks notes — Panthers?!

Don’t go changin’, Falcons.

The Packers pulled a Cowboys and anointed themselves Super Bowl Champions after a 2-0 start. As punishment, Brandon McManus had his potential game-winning field goal blocked by the Browns, who rubbed salt in the wound by booting a 55-yarder to secure the win as the clock struck zero.

The Bucs rode the footie rollercoaster on Sunday too. Chase McLaughlin hit a quintet of field goals, including the game-winner as time expired, but also had one blocked and returned for a touchdown. Lucky for Tampa they were playing the Jets, who of course squandered the kick-six because they’re the Jets.

However, the coup de grâce of kicking calamities came courtesy of the Los Angeles Rams’ Joshua Karty.

Pathetic, bum kicker. Truer words have never been typed. Karty had another kick blocked earlier but this one sealed the Rams collapse after building a 26-7 lead early in the second half. And yes, I’m aware the protection was garbage, but I refuse to grant any footie a reprieve, no matter how compelling the evidence presented.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Weiner Dogs

The tubular canines rode the dynamic duo of Lamar/Gibbs to victory, but also got a D/ST performance for the ages from the Vikings that included 2 TDs, 2 INTs, 5 forced fumbles, and 4 sacks. Jesus H Christ, it’s as if they were playing a high school team! Or, ya know, the Joe Burrowless Bengals.

The There Can Be Only One Player of the Week: Caleb Williams

19-28, 298 yards, 4 TDs. The latest generational quarterback prospect actually looked good on Sunday. I’d love to give Caleb all the credit but the Cowboys LOL defense really made things easy for him:

Is that bad? Seems bad.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Russell Wilson

After lighting up the LOL Cowboys in Week 2, Mr. Unlimited crashed back down to earth against the Chiefs, tossing for a pathetic 160 yards and 2 interceptions. The following series is vintage New York Giants football:

And right on cue, rookie Jaxson Dart has been named the starter. Why did it take 3 weeks?

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Omarion Hampton

70 yards rushing, 1 TD; 6 catches for 59 yards. I’d like to thank Omarion for saving his rookie breakout game for the week I benched him. I feel great. No really, I couldn’t be happier for the kid. I’m not the slightest bit mad. Nope, not at all.

WTF Throw of the Week: Cam Ward

This was Ward’s first pass of the game. I get he’s a rookie but holy shit that was awful.

Head Coach Bludgeoning of the Week: Dan Quinn

First we have Chiefs players taking each other out, now we have backup quarterbacks targeting their own head coaches.

That’s clearly elder abuse. If I were Quinn, I’d trade Marcus Mariota to the Browns as payback.

The Overlook Hotel Injury Report

And I thought last week was a blood bath.

CeeDee Lamb – High ankle sprain, 3-4 weeks. Things continue to spiral in Big D. At this point, it’s just sad. Hilarious, but sad.

James Conner – Broken ankle, SEASON OVER. A severe ankle injury for a 30-year-old RB likely ends his career. Too bad, I’ve always liked Conner.

Najee Harris – Torn Achilles, SEASON OVER. First a fireworks-related eye injury, now an Achilles tear. The Chargers need to banish Najee to the hinterlands. The last thing they need after a 3-0 start is a bad luck charm limping around the locker room.

Tyrone Tracy – Shoulder, week-to-week. I predict Tracy will leave via free agency in 2 years and instantly become an MVP candidate with his new team. Hey, it’s worked for Saquon and Danny Dimes.

Mike Evans – Hamstring, week-to-week. Evans ranks 9th on the all-time receiving touchdowns list with 106. Remember when he made Johnny Manziel look competent? Good times.

Terry McLaurin- Quad strain, unknown. The Commanders roster is comprised of 30 guys that are 29 or older. Injuries are already starting to pile up. By December, this team is going to be a full blown MASH unit.

Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week

“You’ve got to have something that comes your way that’s really special,” Jones said. “And if you’ve got the currency to do it, which in this case it would be draft picks, we’ll do it.”

Jerry Jones on using draft picks from micah parsons trade

Something “special” like say, I dunno, Micah Parsons? I hope Jerry lives to be a 1000 years old.

Week 4 Gold Standard Matchup: Purdy Mouth vs Wookilars

Grab the popcorn for this New York Division battle. It’s Josh Allen taking on Kyler Murray! Hmm… that’s a huge mismatch. Okay, we also have the Sun God throwing down with Jamar Chase! But Chase has Jake Browning as his quarterback. Umm, that’s not great either. Hold on a second, JSN faces off with Waddle, and Kraft duels Njoku! Okay, that levels the playing field. Whew! Bottom line: I promise this will be a fantastic matchup. It won’t be one-sided at all. Trust me.