Stud Running Back

Nonsense and Shenanigans

Week 6 Recap: Symphony of Destruction

Posted on October 15, 2024 by Scott

The fantasy football streets have been coated in blood, doused with gasoline, set ablaze with flamethrowers, carpet bombed, and flooded with tidal waves. As the season torturously creeps along, the number of lingering and/or catastrophic injuries continues to mount. No position has escaped unscathed.

Those fake squads fortunate enough to avoid total annihilation thus far are teetering on a razor thin tightrope strung across a muddy pit of starving Nile crocodiles. Whomever makes it to the other side can breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice, while listening to the guttural screams of the fallen as bones are snapped and limbs ripped to pieces.

It’s been brutal and unforgiving carnage. A nightmare to end all nightmares. A cataclysm so devastating that civilization as we know it hangs in the balance. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The Reaper approaches. Not even a 1000 bottles of baby oil can save us.

Sorry, that got dark. Hey, I was without internet for 2 weeks, cut me some slack. I’ll do better. On with the mildly amusing dick and fart jokes.

Tommy Boy Team of the Week: Indiana SixPence

Down goes Je Ne Saquon! The SixPence shocked the world by knocking off the league’s last unbeaten team. The backfield trio of Bijan, Mixon, and Dobbins combined for over 70 points to seal the victory, despite Dak Prescott’s laughably pathetic 7-point bed shitting performance. General Manager/Head Coach Mark Lericos was proud of his team’s effort, and was quick to defend his starting quarterback. “Dak is our leader. He’ll bounce back. I’m confident he won’t lead us to the playoffs and then monumentally choke,” Lericos said.

Kind of A Big Deal Player of the Week: Chris Godwin

11 catches, 125 yards, 2 TDs. Kneel before the one true God of slot receivers. For he is eternal. For he is the savior. Hallelujah.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Caleb Williams

282 total yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT. Sure, it was against the Jaguars, but the latest “generational quarterback talent” finally scraped the dog shit off the bottom of his cleats and played like a champion on Sunday.

Goober of the Week: Nick Sirianni

Sirianni has long drawn the ire of opposing fanbases due to his buffoonish sideline antics. Constant pandering and unearned arrogance has resulted in him becoming the league’s most hated head coach. Eagles fans tolerated his behavior in 2022 and the first half of 2023 because, ya know, the team was winning.

However, that all changed after the Eagles infamous collapse late last season when it became abundantly clear that Sirianni had no idea what the fuck he was doing. A simplistic high school-level playbook and a stunning lack of self-awareness left an indelible mark on his relationship with Jalen Hurts, and nearly cost him his job.

Flash forward to this season and, well, things have seemingly gotten worse. The hiring of Offensive Coordinator Kellen Moore and Defensive Coordinator Vic Fangio was supposed to cure all of the Eagles ills. Instead, the disease of dissent has spread. A series of botched clock-management decisions, head-scratching 4th-down calls, and infantile interactions with angry Eagles fans has left Sirianni in the crosshairs of pretty much everyone.

After barely defeating the hapless Browns 20-16 on Sunday, Sirianni proceeded to spend his post-game presser taking credit for his incompetence, even admitting that he, not Fangio, made a defensive call during the game. Da faq? This birthday party clown is clearly overcompensating for the fact that he brings no discernible value to the team.

Nick Sirianni is going to get fired. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

LOL Image of the Week

Those stats seem less than ideal. Also less than ideal is Dallas being outscored 167-85 in their last four home games.

Let’s look in on Cowboys fans:

Trade Alert: Davante Adams is a New York Jet

Last Tuesday, Aaron Rodgers fired Robert Saleh. This Tuesday, Rodgers traded for Davante Adams. I’m sure everything will be fine now for the 2-4 Jets. It’s not as if they are a dysfunctional franchise that last appeared in the playoffs 13 years ago.

Here’s a live look at Davante Adams going from the Raiders to the Jets:

Trade Alert Part Deux: Amari Cooper is a Buffalo Bill

Going from Deshaun Watson to Josh Allen is like swapping a Toyota Corolla for a Bugatti Chiron.

Here’s a live look at Amari Cooper:

The Oh the Humanity Injury Report

Before I get to the soul-crushing portion of the report, some good news. Joe Mixon, AJ Brown, DeVonta Smith, Evan Engram, Romeo Doubs, and Christian Watson returned to action and all six crushed the box score. Well done, gents.

And now the sad violin:

Anthony Richardson – Week-to-week, hip. Does anyone care if he plays? I mean, he kinda sucks, right?

Derek Carr – Multiple weeks, oblique. Remember when the Saints were 2-0 and the toast of the league? In typical Saints fashion, they’ve since lost four straight.

Jordan Mason – Day-to-day, shoulder. Another week, another 49ers skill player gets hurt. Yawn.

Travis Etienne – Week-to-week, hamstring. Does anyone care if he plays? I mean, he kinda sucks, right?

Jerome Ford – Week-to-week, hamstring. Just in time for Nick Chubb to begin his comeback on a 1-5 sinking ship captained by Tuggy Watson. What could go wrong?

Rachaad White – Week-to-week, foot. In his absence, Bucky Irving and Sean Tucker combined for 197 yards and 3 touchdowns. Might as well fit White for a Cowboys jersey.

Marvin Harrison, Jr – Week-to-week, concussion. Only 17 catches in 6 games. Maybe if Marv starts playing Call of Duty, Kyler will throw him the ball more.

Chris Olave – Week-to-week, concussion. He’ll always have 2-0.

Rashid Shaheed – Unknown, knee. He’ll always have 2-0.

Dontayvion Wicks – Week-to-week, shoulder. He’ll always have Week 4.

Dallas Goedert – Week-to-week, hamstring. I’m blaming microplastics in ultra-processed foods for all these hamstring injuries.

CMC – Week-to-week, Achilles/calf. He will reportedly travel to Mars this week for treatment from the renowned Dr. Klaatu, who may or may not be plotting to destroy Earth.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Werewolves are Everywhere

A couple of years ago, I was playing blackjack at the Bellagio in Vegas. While building a decent-sized stack, I struck up a conversation with a fellow player named Lizette. Turns out Lizette was friends with Danica Patrick, who of course dated Aaron Rodgers from 2018-2020.

According to Lizette, one night in the summer of 2019, she and Rodgers were doing whippets in the parking lot behind Dino’s Famous Chicken in Los Angeles. A full moon hung brightly in the sky that night, which left Rodgers feeling very uneasy. When Lizette asked him why he was so freaked, Rodgers revealed that the city was crawling with werewolves (Rodgers referred to them as Lycanthropes but for our purposes we’ll go with the common term).

Apparently, Rodgers believes a cabal of werewolves has infiltrated society. The list of those compromised includes high-ranking members of Congress, Hollywood elites, captains of big tech, street mimes, elementary school swim teachers, and the DMV. Upon hearing this outlandish thesis, Lizette laughed in his face and called him a weirdo, but Rodgers was dead serious. “They are among us, lying in wait… preparing to strike,” he said.

Week 7 Gold Standard Matchup: Je Ne Saquon vs Weiner Dogs

Saquon will look to rebound by leaning on Lamar Jackson, the league’s top scoring quarterback. Meanwhile, the Dogs should get back newly minted Jet Davante Adams, as well as concussed rookie phenom Malik Nabers. We’ve reached the halfway point of the fantasy season, so neither team can afford to lose. Sources tell me Je Ne Saquon Head Coach Walker Griffith plans to make his players run laps barefoot on a track of hot coals while carrying bowling balls in each hand to make sure they are ready for the game.

暂时再见.

Week 3 Recap: The Less I Know the Better

Posted on September 24, 2024 by Scott

I should’ve known the 2024 NFL season was veering into strange territory on opening night when Isiah Likely and Xavier Worthy (remember them?) were the standouts. Three short weeks later and the season has descended into utter chaos.

Sam Darnold leads the league in passing touchdowns. Jordan Mason and JK Dobbins rank second and third in rushing. Alec Pierce has more receiving yards than CeeDee Lamb. Dallas Goedert had more yards in Week 3 than Travis Kelce and Mark Andrews have combined on the season.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. A cat and dog were playing together at the Giants-Browns game. Frank the rabbit from Donnie Darko was spotted on the Seahawks’ sidelines. A smoke monster was seen inside the Titans locker room. Chupacabras were selling gumbo at the Superdome. A UFO crashed outside Raymond James Stadium but the government and its media acolytes refuse to acknowledge the incident.

What does it all mean? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Je Ne Saquon

A deadly ground assault led by Barkley and Taylor forged victory for the league’s lone unbeaten squad. Even the normally useless Kyle Pitts chipped in a couple of big catches to help seal the W. With rumors spreading across whisper networks that Je Ne Saquon is employing cybernetic organisms rather than human players, General Manager/Head Coach Walker Griffith remains unbothered. “I pay no attention to baseless accusations. The tears of my haters taste sweeter by the day,” Griffith said.

The Who the Fook is that Guy Player of the Week: Jauan Jennings

That’s right, folks. The guy who caught 11 passes for 175 yards and 3 touchdowns, good for 46.50 fantasy points, isn’t even rostered. Nobody had the foresight to pick him up? Even as a speculative stash? None of us?

We’ve brought collective shame on the Gulfman League.

As penance, whoever claims Jennings on waivers must start him next week. And we all must watch in horror as he scores 7.8 points, knowing full well that we missed out on his one and only worthwhile performance. This is what we deserve for our transgressions.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Malik Nabers

How good is Malik Nabers? So good that he’s going to single-handedly carry the Giants to enough wins to convince the moronic front office that Daniel Jones is still the guy to lead the team to Super Bowl glory.

Ground Chuck

Screw all this foo-foo passing garbage. Nobody wants high-flying shootouts featuring preppy quarterbacks and dainty wide receivers. We want bruising backs bowling over puny linebackers and anorexic defensive backs. We want tight ends throwing illegal chop blocks, not running routes. We want unathletic footies kicking six field goals. We want old school 13-9 slugfests that are over in two hours.

Hail, low scoring! Hail, the running back revolution! Hail, kickers for MVP! Who’s with me?!

Nobody?

Resurrection of the Week: Derrick Henry

Old man Henry looked like dust after two weeks. Then he went to Dallas. 174 total yards and 2 touchdowns later, and Henry was feeling pretty, pretty good. After the game, Jerry Jones was asked why he didn’t sign Henry in the offseason:

“We couldn’t afford Derrick Henry,” Jones said, laughing when asked “why not?” “I don’t know. Why can’t you buy a mansion when you live in a different kind of house? We couldn’t afford it. We can’t make that all fit. That’s as simple as that.”

Let’s look in on Cowboys fans:

LOL Image of the Week

On the right is Andy Dalton, the first quarterback to throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns in a game this season. On the left is Bryce Young, the 14-year-old middle school student who won a ‘Dress as a Member of Your Favorite NFL Team’ contest. Hold on, what this? Now I’m being told that Bryce Young is actually a professional quarterback who was selected #1 overall by the Carolina Panthers in the 2023 NFL Draft.

That can’t be right. I need a new research staff.

The Get Him a Body Bag Injury Report

I’m all for sweeping the leg, but these injuries are getting out of hand.

Justin Herbert – Day-to-day, sprained ankle. Is Herbie short for Herbert? Wait, so Herbie the Love Bug’s full name is Herbert the Love Bug? That’s awesome.

DeVonta Smith – Week-to-week, concussion. Whatever the fuck you do NFL officials, don’t call a penalty for a blatant cheap shot on a receiver whose forward momentum was clearly stopped. That would make way too much sense.

Adam Thielen – Placed on IR, hamstring. I thought Thielen retired in 2022. Then again, he plays for the Panthers, so he might as well be retired.

Sam LaPorta – Day-to-day, ankle. Sam LaPorta would be a great name for the head of the Teamsters. “Don’t piss off LaPorta. He’ll make your life a living hell.”

George Kittle – Week-to-week, hamstring. It’s obvious the 49ers made some sort of deal with Beelzebub last season, and now they’re paying the price.

Travis Kelce – Missing in Action. Turns out filming commercials, hosting game shows, and chasing international pop stars around the globe isn’t optimal preparation for playing pro football. Who knew?

Mark Andrews – Last seen in Week 2. Is 0.0 bad? Sounds bad.

Trey McBride – Week-to-week, concussion. Better Trey: Parker or Anastasio? I gotta go with Trey Parker. I mean, he created Cartman.

Aaron Rodgers’ Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Hurricanes are Controlled by Big Housing

A few years ago, as the story goes, Rodgers attended a wine and cheese reception at the DoubleTree in Appleton, Wisconsin. As the evening wound down, a sauced on Pinot Grigio and stuffed with smoked Gouda Rodgers cornered the Ladies Auxiliary and unleashed a inflammatory tirade condemning “Big Housing.”

According to anonymous witnesses, Rodgers posited that giant hurricane factories located beneath the ocean were used to wipe out beachfront communities in order to inflate property values and drive up the cost of new homes. When someone suggested that devastating storms might actually decrease property values, Rodgers waved his hand dismissively and scoffed, “You’re buried so deep inside the matrix you can’t see what’s right in front of you. Wake up, sheeple!”

Needless to say, the reception came to an abrupt end. However, much to the dismay of the beleaguered hotel staff, Rodgers kept ranting until well past midnight.

Week 4 Gold Standard Matchup of the Week: Ninjas vs Dogs

Strap in, kids. It’s a battle of rookie wide receivers as Marvin Harrison, Sr. Jr. goes head-to-head with Malik Nabers. The latter leads all wideouts in scoring while the former ranks 12th. Which of these neophytes will walk away with bragging rights? Will either play well enough to curtail the atomic wedgie and penis-drawn-on-face rookie hazing rituals? Stay tuned.

Slán go fóill.

Week 2 Recap: Smack That

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Scott

The Dallas Cowboys are the gift that keeps on giving. One week after blowing out the Browns on the road, the artists formerly known as “America’s Team” returned to Texas for their home opener. Dak and CeeDee both got paid. Jerry Jones just celebrated his 812th birthday. Things were looking up in Big D. A 2-0 start was in their grasp.

All dem boyz had to do was beat the Saints. Yeah, the Saints crushed the Panthers in Week 1, but that was the Panthers, the league’s official doormat. No way they were going to march into Jerry World and snap the Cowboys 16-game regular-season home winning streak. Not with doofus Derek Carr and washed Alvin Kamara. Not as 6-point underdogs. Not gonna happen.

Final Score: *Saints 44, Cowboys 19

Alright, let’s settle down. There’s a logical explanation for this appalling turn of events. The Cowboys players and coaches were obviously exhausted from the Week 1 Victory Parade. All that nonstop celebrating and carousing must’ve tuckered them out. Who among us can’t relate?

So they were a little off their game, no big deal. I have faith the Cowboys will rip off 3 straight wins which will be more than enough to convince their delusional fan base the Super Bowl train is back on the tracks.

*Note: The Saints might actually be good

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Lame Excuses

After their excruciating 1-point loss in Week 1, the Excuses rebounded by obliterating the Ninjas by 54. The lamest of the lame netted a league-high 166.7 points with all 9 positions scoring in double digits. Head Coach/General Manager Lee Brown credits an intense regimen of freebasing cocaine and vodka IVs for his team’s success. “That’s how champions are made,” Brown said.

WOOOOOOO!!! of the Week: Alvin Kamara

After racking 180 total yards and 4 TDs on Sunday, Kamara took to the mic:

“I’m Alvin Kamara! The stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun! All the women want to be with me, all the men want to be like me. If you don’t like it, learn to love it!”

Offseason reports of Kamara’s demise appear to be fake news.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Marvin Harrison, Jr.

Week 1: 1 catch, 4 yards. Catapult him into the sun.

Week 2: 4 catches, 130 yards, 2 TDs. Fit him for a gold jacket.

Premature panic-button-pushers take note.

Goober of the Week: Will Levis

Will Levis attempts a lateral. Hilarity ensues.

A Tale of Two Kickers

Did anyone watch the Giants-Commanders game? Nobody? Well, I sure as hell did. And let me tell you, it was all I hoped it could be and more. Sit back and relax ladies and gents while I tell the tale of two kickers.

Giants footie Graham Gano entered Sunday’s fray with an ailing groin. Head Coach Brian Daboll was well aware of this, but rather than call up a kicker from the practice squad, he decided to gamble on Gano’s groin. Sure enough, Gano pulled his hamstring on the opening kickoff (likely due in part to said sore groin) and was lost for the entire game.

Punter Jamie Gillan was called upon to fill in for Gano, but he shanked a first quarter PAT wide right and immediately landed in Daboll’s dog house. The Giants would shockingly score two more touchdowns, led by Week 1 Recap cover boy Daniel Jones, who looked semi-competent for most of the game. Alas, Daboll’s garbage two-point conversion plays failed both times, leaving Big Blue with only 18 points.

Meanwhile, the Commanders had kicker issues of their own entering Sunday. Incumbent footie Cade York was canned 6 days prior in favor of Austin Seibert, a journeyman who has been kicking around (see what I did there?) the league for five years. In his first action since 2023, Seibert nailed all 7 of his attempts, thus accounting for all 21 of the Commanders points.

Honestly, I can’t decide which side of this story is more pathetic. On one hand, the Giants stepped on an obvious landmine and paid the price. On the other hand, Washington had to kick 7 field goals to come out on top. But hey, a win is a win.

Let’s look in on Giants fans:

LOL Image of the Week

On the left is Caleb Williams, the latest “generational quarterback talent” perplexed as to why NFL defenses are better than college defenses. On the right is DJ Moore, the latest Bears wide receiver having his career ruined by an atrocious quarterback. I can’t imagine why Moore is so upset. It’s not as if Justin Fields, who Moore had a career-best season with in 2023, and who the Bears traded to Pittsburgh for a conditional 6th-round pick, is leading his new team to a 2-0 record while Moore rots in purgatory.

Maximum Carnage Injury Report

I love the smell of antiseptic in the morning. Smells like… defeat.

CMC – Placed on IR with a calf strain. Out at least 4 games, possibly more. It’s almost like he’s an aging workhorse running back with a significant injury history.

Justin Jefferson – Quad contusion. Doesn’t seem serious but that’s what we heard all August about CMC.

AJ Brown – Week-to-week with a bad hammy. The lingering hamstring injury has torpedoed many a fantasy season.

Joe Mixon – Ankle. No timetable for return. I had no idea Mixon was a Texan. The last Texans running back I remember is Arian Foster.

Puka Nacua – Out at least 3 more games. Last seen chasing a black cat underneath a step ladder.

Cooper Kupp – Out at least of few weeks with a sprained ankle. Last seen shattering a mirror while hanging a horseshoe with the ends pointing down.

Isiah Pacheco – Out 6-8 weeks with a fractured fibula. Don’t worry, the referees will make sure the Chiefs will be fine.

Hollywood Brown – Shoulder surgery, maybe out for the season. Don’t worry, the referees will make sure the Chiefs will be fine.

Ken Walker – Week-to-week with an oblique. Hey, that rhymes!

Deebo Samuel – Out at least 2 weeks with a strained calf. Another 49er with a strained calf? This reeks of sabotage. Something is rotten in the state of San Francisco! Or maybe the players need more potassium.

Monday Night Meltdown

The fallout from the Eagles brutal faceplant against the Falcons on Monday night has been glorious. Eagles fans are nothing if not calm and rational after their beloved Birds suffer a devastating loss.

The mobs of pitchfork-toting maniacs have issued the following demands:

-Fire Nick Sirianni, Kellen Moore, and Vic Fangio

-Send Saquon Barkley back to the Giants

-Bench Jalen Hurts

-Freeze the defensive line in carbonite

-Sentence DeVonta Smith to 6 months of hard labor

-Exile Darius Slay to an island in the South Pacific

As you can see, things are going great. Next week the AJ Brown-less Eagles play the Saints in New Orleans. What could possibly go wrong?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Dinosaurs Built the Pyramids

A deleted excerpt from the biography Out of the Darkness: The Mystery of Aaron Rodgers:

Rodgers stood beneath a neon Coors Light sign hanging in front of the SoHo dive bar. The sign flickered and buzzed, bathing his bearded face in a harsh red glow. He lifted the shrinking joint, paused for a brief moment, then took a quick, controlled hit. His eyes narrowed and a sly grin formed on his lips. “The pyramids, the ones in Egypt,” he said, speaking to no one in particular. “Aliens didn’t build them. It wasn’t ramps or canals either. Nope. It was dinosaurs… and I can prove it.”

Still grinning, Rodgers flicked what remained of the joint onto the sidewalk, shoved his hands deep inside the pockets of his wool overcoat, and leisurely strolled up the street, quietly disappearing into the night.

Week 3 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Je Ne Saquon

A battle of undefeated teams highlights the Week 3 slate. It’s an old fashioned running back showdown that would make 1978 smile as Gibbs and Achane do battle against Barkley and Kamara. Hide the women and children, this one could get ugly. The winner remains unbeaten. The loser moves to a cabin in the woods to reevaluate their life choices.

Until next week, sayonara.

Week 1 Recap: The Song Remains the Same

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Scott

Man, do I love the NFL. Even when it disappoints, it never disappoints. We (the royal we) spend 8 months pontificating about free agency, the Draft, key injuries, contract disputes, the latest Kansas City Chief to avoid suspension after committing a crime, training camp battles, and unwatchable preseason games. Then, with a snap of the finger, the games that count begin and all that pointless wishcasting goes up in smoke.

Did we learn anything new during opening weekend? Uh, not really. Daniel Jones and Bryce Young are still abominations. Tyreke Hill still knows how to score 80-yard touchdowns (and break the law). The Bears still need a quarterback. The Falcons are still the Falcons. The “tight end renaissance” still isn’t a thing. The Cowboys won the Week 1 Super Bowl, again. And the Chiefs and 49ers are still the unquestioned best teams in the league.

Hey, at least football is back. Sloppy, turnover-plagued, over-officiated, field goal-ridden football, but football nonetheless. Like Bugs Bunny used to say, “On with the show, this is it.”

A Short Draft Recap

Much to my surprise, I thought everyone did a solid job at the draft. Whoa, I need a shower after writing that. I’m accustomed to roasting multiple league mates for making egregious draft night errors that inevitably equate to flushing money down the toilet. For example, the old me would’ve called Tommy a dipshit moron for selecting a running back in the 6th round who’s had two major knee reconstructions and may never play a meaningful snap again. But that was the old me. I’ve turned over a new leaf. Feels good.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts

The Beasts and Excuses entered Monday Night Football engaged in a nail-biting clash that was too close to call. The Furry ones rolled out the receiving duo of Garrett Wilson and Brandon Aiyuk along with footie extraordinaire Jake Moody, while the lamest of the Lame tapped gigachads Deebo Samuel and George Kittle to bring home the W.

A back-and-forth war of attrition ensued with each side delivering punches and counter punches. Deebo utilized his dual-threat dynamics to gain a late lead for the Excuses, but Moody’s lethal right foot proved to be too much as he booted a whopping 6 field goals to secure victory for the Beasts by a margin of 1 point.

Now that’s what I call a fantastic finish! Alcoa would be proud.

Great Success Player of the Week: Saquon Barkley

If you didn’t watch Hard Knocks: Offseason with the New York Giants, I don’t blame you. I mean, it’s the Giants. Long story short, inept General Manager Joe Schoen ignored his personnel department’s reservations about allowing Saquon to enter free agency. Of course, Barkley did become a free agent and promptly signed a 3-year deal with the Eagles. Then Schoen shoved all in on Daniel Jones, a quarterback earning $48 million who hasn’t thrown for more than 15 touchdowns since his rookie season and is coming off a torn ACL.

How’d that turn out in Week 1?

Meh. So Barkley scored 3 touchdowns on a shitty Brazilian soccer field. Things can’t be that bad for Daniel Jones, right?

Oof. This is awkward. Let’s look in on Giants fans:

Should the Giants have signed Barkley to an extension? Absolutely not. What they should’ve done is heavily invest in offensive line and wide receiver during Barkley’s rookie deal. Instead, they hitched their wagon to Daniel Jones and watched him pour gasoline on it, set it ablaze, and drive straight off a cliff.

To summarize: Joe Schoen is an idiot.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Xavier Worthy

Yes, I named this award after Xavier Worthy. He had 3 touches for 68 yards and 2 touchdowns in his debut. That’s absurd. Did the Ravens forget about Worthy like Daenerys forgot about the Iron Fleet during season 8 of Game of Thrones? Make it make sense.

Goober of the Week: Russell Wilson

Prior to the Steelers matchup with the Falcons, Russell Wilson was declared inactive due to a strained calf. Last time I checked, inactive players are not allowed to participate in games. Well, that didn’t stop Russ from fully suiting up complete with eye black as if he was one play away from taking the field. Was this an overt display of team camaraderie, or is Mr. Unlimited just an out of touch dork? I’m leaning toward the latter.

Nerd Stats

-The Bears D/ST outscored all but five starting quarterbacks, including Mahomes, Hurts, Stroud, Burrow, and Dak

-Deshaun Watson hasn’t thrown for 300 yards since 2020. Joe Flacco threw for 300 yards in 5 of 6 starts with the Browns in 2023

-Number one overall pick Caleb Williams averaged 3.2 yards per attempt, which ranked dead last among all starting quarterbacks. Anthony Richardson led the week with 11.2 yards per attempt

-62 of 68 filed goals were converted on Sunday, including 19 of 21 from 50+ yards

-The Patriots “top” four wide receivers totaled 8 catches for 66 yards. Rams 4th-string journeyman Tyler Johnson had 5 catches for 79 yards

Doctors Trowbridge and Greenbaum Injury Report

QB Jordan Love – MCL sprain, out 3-6 weeks. Trowbridge diagnosis: He should be fine in a week or two, but I haven’t ruled out toe amputation.

WR Puka Nacua – PCL sprain, placed on IR. Greenbaum diagnosis: My vast experience has taught me that hand injuries like this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

WR Rome Odunze – MCL sprain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: He might not survive the week. I’ll know more after testing his reflexes.

TE Jake Ferguson – MCL sprain, week to week. Trowbridge diagnosis: I’ll know more after conducting a full body cavity search.

RB Christian McCaffrey- Calf/Achilles strain, week to week. Greenbaum diagnosis: A steady diet of vitamin D and Icy Hot will have him tip-top in no time.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: The Earth is Square

Back in February, Rodgers, Elon Musk, Geddy Lee, and the ghost of Richard Nixon spent a weekend inside a Northern Montana sweat lodge dosing ayahuasca, allegedly. Days later, Rodgers was seen wandering aimlessly along I-15 wearing nothing but tattered jorts and a purple feathered boa. According to eyewitnesses, Rodgers could be heard muttering, “The flat-earthers got it wrong, man. The earth is square, like a giant Pandora’s Box. Get WOKE!!!”

Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon

When worlds collide! It’s Eagles quarterback facing off against Eagles running back in Week 2’s biggest showdown. Shouty will also have to survive the who-saw-that-coming (psst… everyone) loss of CMC, who is set to miss a second straight game with a calf strain he suffered in August. Can ageless wonder Mike Evans continue to smash? Will Drake London and Chris Olave stop shitting the bed? Stay tuned.

Until next week, I bid you adieu.