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Week 14 Recap: Take a Bow

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And then there were four. Congratulations to the Lame Excuses, Indiana Purdy Mouth, PNW Evergreens, and the Dark Corner ThrillBillies on advancing to the Gulfman League Playoffs. Each of you earned your spot and in my opinion are all worthy of being crowned champions. As for the rest of us?

And just in case anyone is butt-hurt about not receiving an invite to the party due to those pesky league rules, I’ll be happy to refer you to the near unanimous vote a few years ago that shot down a proposal for total points — not W-L record — to determine the last two playoff spots.

Moving on, let’s handicap these postseason participants, shall we?

1) Lame Excuses – The Carolina Division champs were living on easy street for most of the season, but a late-season slide from Jonathan Taylor and concussions for both CeeDee Lamb and Tee Higgins have dealt a blow to their title chances. Can the flimsy pretexts rebound under the bright lights or will they squander a great regular season and be labeled as chokers and frauds?

2) Purdy Mouth – After finishing as bridesmaids the last two seasons, the Mouth are primed to slip into a wedding dress and wreck the alter, thanks in large part to the Seattle Trident: D/ST, footie, JSN. Can the Hoos down in Hoosierville wash off the stink of failure to finally reach the tippity top or will they crash into a snowbank and be cannibalized by the survivors?

3) PNW Evergreens – Started the season 0-4 but ended up outscoring the rest of the league by 100 points. That’s the kind of resilience and perseverance that defines winners. Led by CMC, Dak, and Davante, this team of olds is ready to take the youngins over their knee and deliver a spanking to remember. Can the crafty conifers continue their limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing wheelin’ and dealin’ ways or will they end up staring down a thirsty blade at the sawmill?

4) Dark Corner ThrillBillies – The Billies looked unbeatable halfway through the season, but with the Bucs in decline and Bijan being stuck in the burning Hell that is the Falcons, they find themselves limping into the playoffs despite a crucial Week 14 victory over the Lame ones. The good news is Puka draws the Lions depleted secondary this week and Dalton Kincaid is healthy again. Can the mountain moonshiners continue to evade defeat or will outsiders overrun their territory?

Good luck, gentlemen. May the best fake team win.

Before I skedaddle off to Vegas for my annual pre-Christmas dive into degeneracy, I’d like to pour one out for Daniel Jones. Despite my penchant for pointing and laughing at his quarterbacking buffoonery, I wasn’t laughing at what happened to him on Sunday. It sucks to see his (and the Colts) season go up in flames due to a torn Achilles.

In a league filled with guys who half-ass their way through games, it’s nice to see one that clearly gives a shit. Alas, the Daniel Jones redemption arc wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he’ll get another chance, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The Football Gods are cruel and unforgiving monsters that take pleasure in chewing up and spitting out mere mortals.

Anyway, I’ll be back in a couple of weeks to glaze the Gulfman League Champion. Until then, enjoy the silly season and don’t forget to tip your local Santa.

Week 13 Recap: Wind of Change

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After a topsy-turvy Week 13, I think it’s safe to say there’s been a tectonic shift in the NFL.

-The defending champion Eagles are in the midst of another late-season collapse that bares a striking resemblance to the one they suffered in 2023. (Also, I had nothing to do with this.)

-The 6-6 Chiefs and their dynasty are crumbling right before our eyes with games against the Texans, Chargers, and Broncos remaining.

-The Ravens are hanging on by a thread with a clearly out-of-sorts Lamar Jackson playing the worst football of his career.

-The Bills are basically a reincarnation of the Randall Cunningham-led Eagles of the late 80s-early 90s. Fun but fraudulent.

-The 7-5 Lions are currently on the outside looking in of the NFC Playoff picture and face a quasi elimination game against the Cowboys in Week 14.

-The Rams Super Bowl train and Matt Stafford’s MVP campaign both got derailed by of all teams, the Panthers.

-The Bucs are starting to get healthy but they have a -22 point differential to go along with a hobbled Baker Mayfield.

-Meanwhile, the Broncos, Patriots, Bears, Texans, Packers, Jaguars, 49ers, and … [checks notes] … Cowboys (!?!?) are all peaking at the right time.

In other words, the old guard is fucked. Make way for the new kids.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Indiana Purdy Mouth

Huge week for the Purdy Mouth as they moved one step closer to seizing the New York Division crown, thanks in part to the Seattle D racking up a whopping 30 points. A win next week will get it done, but a loss will make it a bit more difficult despite ranking 2nd in total points scored. That would kinda suck, so don’t fuck it up, fellas.

The Shake and Bake Player of the Week: AJ Brown

10 catches, 132 yards, 2 TDs. It seems only fitting that Brown balled out in a season-crippling loss to the Bears. Hurts sucked, Barkley sucked, and the coaches, of course, sucked. But good ol’ Arthur Juan decided to finally earn his money. In fact, since telling some live-streamer named Jankyrondo that fantasy owners should trade him, he’s the number 2 overall wide receiver. Yup, being an Eagles fan is maddening.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: JSN

2 catches, 23 yards, 0 TDs. After running pure for 11 straight games, JSN was due for a faceplant. Luckily, the Seahawks didn’t need him thanks to their ferocious defense feasting on a quarterback no one knew existed before this weekend.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey

35 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 3 catches for 27 yards. It wasn’t the greatest week for young bucks, but Harvey wins the prize for being another in a long line of Bronco players to help extract victory from the jaws of defeat. At some point, they’re gonna get got, right?

The Truth Really, Really, Really Hurts

Poor Geno has been sacked 25 times in the last four games. By all measures, he should be dead.

The Fender Bender Injury Report

It was another relatively light week for breaks and tears. Maybe the Injury Gods have forgiven me for calling them massive dicks earlier in the season.

Justin Herbert – Broken hand, unknown. Herbert underwent a “procedure” to repair a broken bone in his left hand. If he sits next week, Trey Lance will have the privilege of scoring more points than the Eagles on Monday Night Football.

Aaron Jones – Shoulder, day-to-day. Just pack it in, Aaron. When your best quarterback is Carson Wentz, you got serious problems.

Marvin Harrison Jr – Heel, week-to-week. Just pack it in, Marv. When your best quarterback is Jacoby Brissett, you got serious problems.

Parker Washington – Hip, unknown. Parker leads the team in receptions and receiving touchdowns, which is equal parts impressive and pathetic.

‘Welcome to the NFL’ Implosion of the Week: Max Brosmer

I had never heard the name Max Brosmer until he was announced as the Vikings starting quarterback. Apparently he played one year at the University of Minnesota. And on Sunday, the Vikings thought it was a good idea to send him out to face the Seahawks 3rd ranked defense. The results went as expected.

Let’s check in on Justin Jefferson owners:

The Giants Can’t Stop Gianting

I mean, what are we even doing with footies? Enough is enough.

Week 14 Gold Standard Matchup: Billies vs Excuses

The top 2 teams in the Carolina Division throwing down in the final week of the regular season? It doesn’t get any better than that. Mahomes vs Mayfield, JT vs Bijan, Lamb vs Puka. Hell yeah, brother! A loss for the Billies might end their playoff hopes, so, ya know, I would strongly suggest not losing.

Week 9 Recap: The Real Slim Shady

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Welp, we all knew this day would come. It was bound to happen sooner than later. Midnight struck and Daniel Jones turned back into a pumpkin. And as only he can, he did so in spectacular fashion.

3 interceptions, 2 lost fumbles, 5 sacks taken. 27-20 loss to the Steelers.

That’s vintage Daniel Jones. As is this:

And this:

Daniel Jones works in turnovers the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It’s his true medium, a master.

Let’s look in on Giants fans watching him on Sunday:

All is right in the world again. Balance has been restored to the Force. Colts fans can finally reconcile that the unhappy ending to their 2025 season was written long ago.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: PNW Evergreens

A famous paramilitary rescue team tracker once said, “There’s something in those trees.” In Week 9 that something was CMC and Drake London.

The Evergreens planted the hapless Monkeys like it was Arbor Day, and poured sap in the wounds for good measure. Not even napalm can stop this punishing pulp.

The Give Em The Heater Player of the Week: Brock Bowers

12 catches, 127 yards, 3 TDs. Welcome back, Brock! I knew there was a reason why I drafted you in the 2nd round. It was for games like these. Sadly, this does me little good in Week 9 after my moronic management decisions the previous two weeks. Anyway, a healthy Bowers is so beastly he can make garbage Geno Smith look semi-competent.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Rome Odunze

Odunze pulled a Blutarsky against… [checks notes]… the Bengals?

A nothing-burger in a game where the Bears hung 47 points? I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.

The I Love Them So Much Rookies of the Week: Kyle Monongai & Colston Loveland

198 total yards, 3 catches; 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TDs. A pair of young cubs were the latest to eviscerate the LOL Bengals defense. Despite the gaudy stats posted by this dynamic duo, it’s difficult to gauge how good either is because everyone (except Rome Odunze) smashes the Bengals. Hell, Caleb Williams tossed 3 scores and caught another from DJ Moore, who himself ran for a TD. The Bears are fun, but seeing them humbled in the playoffs by a team that actually plays defense will be very satisfying.

LOL Image of the Week

Via @Ihartitz

If you thought I was finished shitting on the Bengals, think again. This hilarious graphic is running backs who have faced them this season. Not exactly a murderer’s row of elite dudes, and they still have to see Derrick Henry twice, James Cook, and Devon Achane.

Quarterbackin’ Aint Easy – Patrick Mahomes

Looks like Patty’s sideline antics didn’t go according to plan against the Bills. That’s a shame.

The Bring Out Your Dead Injury Report

Like the height of a medieval plague, the bodies continue to pile up.

Jayden Daniels – Dislocated elbow, LIKELY OUT FOR SEASON. It took about 5 seconds after this grizzly injury occurred in a game the Commanders were losing 38-7 for the internet to be flooded with RGIII comparisons. So yeah, Dan Quinn might want to relocate to a safe house and lay low for awhile.

Tucker Kraft – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. Just when I vaulted him up the All-Time Kraft rankings, he blows out a knee. Looks like Massage Parlor Bob Kraft is back to #3 (psst… between us, he’ll always be #1).

Brian Thomas, Jr. – Ankle, week-to-week. BTJ is screwed until the Jags git rid of Trevor Lawrence because Trevor Lawrence fucking sucks.

Travis Hunter – Sprained ACL, on IR. See above.

Puka Nacua – Chest, day-to-day. I told you he’s injury prone! Nah, he’ll be fine… or will he?

CJ Stroud – Concussion, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.

Aaron Jones – AC joint, day-to-day. He just came back and is already hurt again. That’s so 2025.

Kayshon Boutte – Hamstring, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.

Luke McCaffery – Broken collarbone, OUT FOR SEASON. Jesus, my fingers are cramping. Will this update ever end?

Dak Prescott – Minor ankle sprain, day-to-day. Are we sure it’s “minor?” Cuz the Cardinals D made regular season Dak look like playoff Dak on MNF.

Matthew Golden – Shoulder, day-to-day. The last time the Packers had a fully healthy wide receiving corps was 1987.

Cole Kmet – Concussion, week-to-week. Cole, you’ve been replaced. Get well soon.

Insurrection of the Week: The Bengals Offense

Yup, still not done with the Bengals. Their putrid defense has allowed a league worst 300 points. That’s 51 more than the Giants, 43 more than the Titans, and 23 more than the Cowboys. To put that in perspective, the Texans have allowed 121 points. Gee, I can’t imagine why Bengals offensive players are so upset.

Trade Deadline Summary

-The Jags traded for Jakobi Myers – Saying Trevor Lawrence is better than Geno Smith is like saying impalement is better than drawing and quartering.

-The Seahawks acquired Rashid Shaheed – This is an obvious upgrade until the obvious Sam Darnold meltdown.

-The 3-5-1 Cowboys dealt a 1st and 2nd round pick for a declining defensive tackle who is worse than Micha Parsons. Oh, and they also acquired a Bengals defensive player.

Week 10 Gold Standard Matchup: ThrillBillies vs Wookilars

What we got here is a good ol’ fashioned donnybrook between the league’s top two teams. The winner shall be heaped with praise and accolades. Meanwhile, the loser will be publicly shamed, subjected to a stoning, and ostracized like a leper colony. In other words, the stakes are high in this one.

Week 5 Recap: The Great Pretender

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The last two undefeated teams have fallen, which begs the question: are there actually any good NFL teams? It’s easy to identify the dregs of the league, but the so-called contenders all appear to have significant flaws.

The Bills went toe-to-toe in beating the Week 1 Ravens that weren’t yet ravaged by injuries, but subsequent victories over the LOL Jets, ROFL Dolphins, and LMAO Saints are unimpressive, and losing at home to the rival Patriots in primetime is not Penske material.

Meanwhile, the defending champion Eagles are a Jekyll-Hyde horror show due in large part to donkey offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo, and drama magnet AJ Brown, who’s been pouting nonstop ever since Jalen Hurts stole his milk money.

The Colts might be legit but similar to the Bills, they have wins over shit teams like the Titans, Dolphins, and Raiders. The Steelers are 3-1 with a -2 point differential. The Bucs can score at will, but their defense is putrid. The Jags are somehow 4-1 with wins over the 49ers and Chiefs, but they’re still the Jags.

The Pats, Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Rams, Seahawks, Commanders and Packers have shown glimpses of greatness, but none have displayed the gravitas needed for Colin Cowherd to captain a way too early Super Bowl bandwagon that he will inevitably abandon by November.

That leaves the 49ers, who have miraculously overcome their starting offense taking up residence in the medical tent, and the Lions, who once again boast the league’s most potent offense but are once again hampered by a defense that can’t stay healthy.

My hope is that everyone finishes 10-7 and complex math formulas are required to determine which teams advance to the playoffs. Then the fanbases of the teams that don’t make it can spend the offseason whimpering and pleading to Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies to change the rules.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies

The Billies started Justice Hill and still racked up 166 points, thanks to 61 combined from the Mayfield-Egbuka connection and 18 from their fucking footie. I have no idea what a ThrillBillie is and quite frankly I don’t want to know. All I do know is this team is crushing opponents every week and is a frontrunner to win the 2025 Gulfman League title. I mean, Bijan was on a bye and they still dominated. Good luck to the rest of us.

The Get Away From Her, You Bitch Player of the Week: Rico Dowdle

23 carries, 206 yards, 1 TD; 3 catches, 28 yards. I’m not sure if this stat line is indicative of Dowdle’s talent or Miami’s lack thereof. Whatever the case, he absolutely dunked on the Pretty Porpoises, delivering the best pigskin performance by a Rico since this legend:

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Geno Smith

228 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 4 sacks taken. I keep hearing that Geno is an underrated and overlooked quarterback, but every time I turn on the tape I see nothing but Blake Bortles-level incompetence. How many times has Geno thrown an interception this season?

Sounds like the perfect Raiders quarterback.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Jacory Croskey-Merritt

14 carries, 111 yards, 2 TDs; 2 catches, 39 yards. Apparently, Croskey-Merritt goes by Bill. Where the hell did Bill come from? I could understand JCM or Jacko, or something a little broader like Cross-Fit. But Bill? C’mon Jacory, do better with the nicknames.

LOL Image of the Week

Mark Sanchez was so disgusted by this graphic that he stabbed an old man over a parking spot.

How the Tennessee Titans Score Touchdowns

Just like they drew it up in the playbook.

Baker Mayfield Appreciation Video of the Week

How can anyone not like Baker Mayfield? All the guy does is ball out and win nearly every time he steps on the field. Lest we forget, the Browns traded Mayfield to the Panthers for a conditional 5th-round draft pick in 2022. Since then he’s thrown for 89 touchdowns and led the Bucs to back-to-back playoff appearances. Meanwhile, the Browns are, well, the Browns:

Trade Alert: Flacco is a Bengal!

Speaking of the Browns, the second Joe Flacco era in Cleveland is over after 2 TD passes, 6 interceptions and a 1-3 record. Now he gets to play behind a worse O-line and with a defense that allows 31.2 points per game. Is he an upgrade over Jake Browning…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Judgment Day Injury Report

I guess the Injury Gods took offense to me calling them massive dicks because this week they decided to drop a Fat Man and Little Boy on my roster. They even killed my kicker (which I’m totally fine with BTW).

Saquon Barkley – Knee, day-to-day. The 2024 Barkley has been MIA and now he has a bum knee. I shoulda known.

Omarion Hampton – Ankle, placed on IR. Like fucking clockwork, the once 3-0 Chargers are going full Chargers. It must suck to be one of their 8 fans.

Brock Bowers – Knee, week-to-week. He hurt his knee in Week 1 but the dipshit Raiders kept playing him so now the knee is really fucked. Mark Davis makes Jerry Jones look like Copernicus.

Chuba Hubbard – Calf, week-to-week. After watching what Rico just did, Chuba probably wants to get back ASAP.

Darius Slayton – Hammy, unknown. Considering the state of the Giants wide receiving corps, I wouldn’t be surprised if Victor Cruz and David Tyree suit up on Thursday night.

Brenton Strange – Hip, placed on IR. Without Strange, the Jags will have to rely on more touchdowns like this:

Motivational Coaching Moment of the Week: Jonathan Gannon

Jonathan Gannon is a mental midget (who was also just fined $100K, LOL) but I certainly understand why he went full sperg on Emari Demercado.

Ahh yes, another touchdown-erasing premature celebration that would make DeSean Jackson proud. It seems like we get one of these a week, which is yet another reason why the NFL product is becoming unwatchable slop. Other reasons being abysmal officiating, moronic coaching, terrible quarterback play, and mind-numbing overanalysis. But hey, at least we’re getting more international games! Just what everyone asked for, right?

Week 6 Gold Standard Matchup: Schrodinger vs Weiner

As exciting as it will be to watch James Cook and Jahmyr Gibbs go head-to-head, I’m looking forward to seeing which Chargers receiver Justin Herbert will favor — Quentin Johnston or Ladd McConkey. Ladd was the apple of Herbie’s eye last season, but so far this year it’s been all QJ. If I were Ladd, I’d slip some laxative into Quentin’s pregame protein shake. It’s a proven strategy.

Week 1 Recap: Here I Go Again

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Now it begins…

The 2025 NFL season is upon us. Get ready for 4-plus months of nerve-racking ordeals, humiliating downfalls, asinine punditry, conspiratorial injustices, soul-crushing indignities, laugh-out-loud buffoonery, and slightly elevated dick and fart jokes… and some football, I guess.

I’m not really sure what I witnessed during the Week 1 slate of games, but I gather it wasn’t the pristine product that Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies envisioned after they spent the offseason coping and seething that the Philadelphia Eagles ruined the first ever Super Bowl Era three-peat.

Nevertheless, Week 1 was a genuine shitshow, jam-packed with a staggering amount of incompetence. With the exception of the Bills, Ravens, and Packers, the entire league needs to be put in timeout wearing a giant dunce cap while Nurse Ratched whacks its knees with a riding whip.

Wake up, assholes. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through a season. Unless you’re the New York Giants.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Character Assassins

Hey, that’s me! The Assassins topped the week in scoring led by… checks notes… Justin Fields? That’s right, the former Bear/Steeler was finally allowed by the new Jets regime to, ya know, play to his strengths, utilizing his big arm and shifty legs to slice and dice the vaunted Steelers D. I’m under no illusion that Fields will continue to drop 30-point bunker busters, but for one week he looked the part of a legit star quarterback. As an added bonus, I wiped that pig-squealing grin off the Purdy Mouth.

I’m Your Huckleberry Player of the Week: Josh Allen

Well, well, well. Still think Lamar Jackson deserved the MVP over Josh Allen? Hailee Steinfeld’s better half went nuclear Sunday night, totaling 424 yards and 4 TDs, while leading four scoring drives in the 4th quarter to overcome a 15-point deficit to the rival Ravens. Bills Mafia is once again pounding the table that the Bills are Super Bowl bound. What could go wrong?

The It Sounds Made Up Shocker of the Week: Daniel Jones

With the stink of the Giants fully cleansed, Danny Dimes led the Colts to a blowout win over the pretty porpoises, accounting for 3 scores and more importantly, ZERO turnovers. Next week he faces the Broncos defense, so there’s a decent chance I’ll be fitting him for a big fat pumpkin costume soon.

The Lives in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bryce Young

Number 1 overall pick Bryce Young on Sunday:

The look on that kid’s face encapsulates what it’s like to be a Panthers fan.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Emeka Egbuka

4 catches, 67 yards, 2 TDs. Are the Bucs 3D printing All-Pro wide receivers? Egbuka lived up to the preseason hype by torching the latest version of the Falcons dreadful secondary. Chronically injured Chris Godwin is allegedly returning at some point this season, but if I were him I’d be a bit concerned, especially since the Bucs moved his locker to the basement and scheduled a meeting with the Bobs.

Trade Alert: Tank is an Eagle!

Howie Roseman is contractually obligated to make a trade every seven days or the football Gods will smite him where he stands. Anyway, Tank Bigsby was good in 2024 and his addition moves the Eagles one step closer to recreating the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

LOL Image of the Week

T-Law is the master of painfully average games where he sails passes to wide-open receivers and forces errant throws into traffic. Lest we forget, Brian Thomas didn’t become a target hog last season until Mac Jones (lol) took over. Maybe year 5 will be Trevy’s “breakout.” Or maybe he’ll continue to be the most protected and overrated player in the league. My money is on the latter.

The Red Wedding Injury Report

Is that “The Rains of Castamere” I hear playing? Yes, yes it is.

George Kittle, Brock Purdy, Jauan Jennings – Various ailments. Just like in 2024, pretty much every 49er should be considered week-to-week. And yes, this includes CMC, who to his credit looked spry in Week 1, but we should know by now how his story ends.

Xavier Worthy – Dislocated shoulder, unknown. Remember last season when Patrick Mahomes took out Rashee Rice’s knee? Well, not to be outdone, Travis Kelce took out Worthy’s shoulder on a botched crossing route. Is Andy Reid issuing bounties on his own players?

Drake London – Shoulder, day-to-day. You either hate the Drake or you love the Drake. I’m not sure which side I fall on, but he plays for the Falcons, so it’s a near lock he ends up being a disappointment.

Brock Bowers – Knee, day-to-day. Bowers says he’s fine, but he plays for the cursed Raiders, so he might want to sacrifice a chicken or at the very least burn some incense in his locker.

Evan Engram – Calf, unknown. Engram plays for the Broncos? I thought he retired 2 years ago. At any rate, he pulled a calf muscle so maybe he should retire for real if for no other reason than to make me look like less of an idiot for not knowing he was still in the league.

Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week

“This gives us a chance to be a better team than we’ve had the last several years.”

Jerry Jones, after trading michael(?) parsons

Jerry is the gift that keeps on giving. In this case, he gave an NFC rival one of the best defensive players in the league, and in return received an aging defensive tackle and a pair of late first-round picks. Well done, sir.

Let’s look in on how Micah did with his new team (WARNING LOUD AUDIO):

And the rest of the NFL’s reaction to the trade:

Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Wookilars

First place in the New York Division is on the line when the league’s top two scoring squads enter the arena. Week 1 darlings, Justin Fields and Josh Allen, will look to continue their hot starts, while Saquon and Kyren hope to improve on underwhelming opening outings. But this one might come down to Terry ‘Pay Me For Being Good Not Great’ McLaurin and Jaylen ‘I Excel at Dropping Easy Passes’ Waddle. If one of these two can pull their head from their ass and actually earn their money, it would really help.