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Week 12 Recap: The Monster

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You don’t have to be an Eagles fan, a Saquon Barkley fan, or even an NFL fan to appreciate what #26 is doing in 2024. Simply put, Barkley is the fantasy MVP and real life MVP, and it’s not even close.

Will cowardly sportswriters award Barkley the MVP? Of course not. A running back hasn’t won since Adrian Peterson in 2012. Instead, they’ll give it to Josh Allen, especially if he beats Detroit in a couple of weeks. Or Lamar Jackson if he “outplays” Barkley this Sunday when the Ravens face the Eagles.

Nevertheless, the numbers tell a story of pure domination. Against the Rams, Barkley set career highs in rushing yards (255) and scrimmage yards (302). By himself, he outgained the Rams, Giants (LOL), Patriots, Colts, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals. He became only the sixth player in NFL history to have two 70-yard TDs and the first to do so in the second half.

Barkley’s 255 yards rushing on Sunday night were the most since the Chiefs’ Jamaal Charles ran for 259 against the Broncos in 2009. His 500 scrimmage yards the last two weeks are the most since Walter Payton’s 525 during a two-game span in 1977.

In the second half this season, Barkley has 920 rushing yards, a 7.9 YPC average, and seven touchdowns. He has 16 runs of at least 15 yards this year and 14 of them have been in the second half. There have been 18 runs of at least 55 yards in the second half across the league, and Barkley has FIVE of them.

Barkley leads the league in rushing with a career best 1392 yards. His 12 total touchdowns are only 4 fewer than the Giants have scored as a team. Only Barkley and Jim Brown 61 years ago have had 1300 rushing yards, a 6.2 YPC average, and 10 rushing TDs through 11 games. He also has 314 more rushing yards than any other running back in Eagles history after 11 games.

Barkley is on pace for 2,151 rushing yards and 2,548 scrimmage yards. If he gets there, both would be NFL records (with the benefit of one extra game). I could go on, but you get the point.

Let’s look in on Giants fans, shall we?

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Furry Beasts

The Beasts moved one step closer to capturing the New York Division in taking down the Lame Ones. Tua Tagovailoa posted his best performance of the season and appears to be getting hot at the right time. After losing to Je Ne Saquon in Week 11, Head Coach Kim Deal locked the team inside a meat locker for 24 hours to make sure they got their minds right. When questioned about her extreme methods, Deal clapped back, “We mock what we don’t understand!”

The Say Hello To My Little Friend Player of the Week: Josh Jacobs

Listen, we all know the real POTW is Saquon, but Josh Jacobs deserves a little love too. Joining Saquon, Henry, and Mixon, Jacobs has proven that running backs do matter (at least in 2024). The Packer back bullied an injury-riddled Niners defense to the tune of 109 yards and 3 TDs. Leaving the shortbus Raiders for a franchise that actually knows what it’s doing is working out great for Jacobs. Go figure.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels

275 yards passing, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. 74 yards rushing, 1 TD. Daniels tried his best to avoid being embarrassed at home, but pisspoor coaching and dogshit special teams proved too much to overcome. Damn, losing a duel to Cooper Rush has gotta sting.

LOL Image of the Week

Achane and Jonnu: 12 touchdowns. Tyreek and Waddle: 5 touchdowns. Exactly what we all thought back in August, right?

Goobers of the Week: The Cowboys and Commanders Special Teams

I could attempt to describe the absolute insanity that ensued at the end of the Cowboys-Commanders debacle, but mere words won’t do it justice. Plus, I’m lazy. Watch and enjoy (h/t Jackson Krueger Sports). Also, if you sat through this shitshow of a game from start to finish, you have my respect. But you’re sick in the head.

Nothing to See Here, Folks

Do I want to keep making fun of the Giants? Yes, yes I do. But even if I didn’t, they are leaving me no choice. If they stop being cannon fodder, I’ll lower my guns. Until such time, they are fair game.

By the way, my dream scenario is the Eagles sign Daniel Jones and start him Week 18 just so he and Saquon can destroy the Giants together. Then the circle will be complete.

The Aw Shit, Here We Go Again Injury Report

Just when you thought it was safe to feel good about your fake roster with the playoffs right around the corner, mayhem strikes again:

Gardner Minshew – Collarbone, done for season. Hard to believe investing in a journeyman backup quarterback turned out poorly for the Raiders.

Brock Purdy – Shoulder, week-to-week. He might be back this week or he could miss the rest of the season. Kyle Shanahan deserves every loss he gets for being a lying piece of shit when it comes to injuries.

JK Dobbins – Knee, unknown. There were some disturbing signs on Monday night that the Chargers might be resorting to their normal Chargers ways. Obviously a significant injury to Dobbins won’t help alleviate those concerns.

David Montgomery – Shoulder, day-to-day. C’mon, Monty. Do me a solid and sit Thanksgiving out. Enjoy some mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Gibbs can handle the backfield without you, I promise.

Brian Robinson – Ankle, unknown. Solid running back, but damn he gets hurt (and shot) a lot.

Austin Ekeler – Concussion, week-to-week. The Commanders are running out of guys at the wrong time. Their once secure playoff spot is slipping away fast.

Josh Downs – Shoulder, week-to-week. Not being able to catch any of the 10 random passes that ARich completes per game will suck.

Romeo Doubs – Concussion, week-to-week. Are any of the Packers wide receivers actually good? Bueller? Frye?

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: ????????????????

We take a break from our regularly scheduled shenanigans to bring you this harbinger of doom:

Hey, rest of the NFL. How many of you would like an egotistical, gaslighting fucktard to take a flamethrower to your franchise just so he can cling to what’s left of his shrinking relevance? Browns? Raiders? Giants? Do you really want to put your front office, coaches, players, and fan bases through 12 months of agonizing torture? If the answer is yes…

Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Je Ne Saquon

The Gang will attempt to keep their playoff hopes alive in a rematch with the runaway freight train that is Je Ne Saquon. It’s Hurts vs Lamar, CMC vs Barkley, and Evans vs Irving. Weights will be lifted, laps will be run, PEDs will be injected. No excuses, no whining. Play like a champion or prepare to face a firing squad. Not a literal firing squad, although come to think of it, that would be excellent motivation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Week 8 Recap: Season of the Witch

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Lock your doors, grab a crucifix, and crawl under the covers. It’s time for the Halloween edition of the Gulfman League recap. Considering the 2024 fantasy football season has been comparable to a bloody slaughter at Camp Crystal Lake, it’s only fitting to pay homage to All Hallow’s Eve and its many frightening trappings.

Just how terrifying has this season been? Let’s crack open the Necronomicon to find out. Fourteen of the top 36 draft picks have missed at least one game. Hollywood Brown, Rashee Rice, Chris Godwin, Brandon Aiyuk, Stefon Diggs, Rashid Shaheed, and Christian Kirk are all out for the season.

Meanwhile, CMC, AJ Brown, Jonathan Taylor, Puka Nacua, Isiah Pacheco, Davante Adams, Mike Evans, Ken Walker, Nico Collins, Joe Mixon, Malik Nabers, Jordan Love, Devin Singletary, Evan Engram, Tee Higgins, Keenan Allen, Derek Carr, Jordan Addison, David Njoku, and Dallas Goedert have all missed multiple games.

And it’s only Week 8. How much more can we possibly endure? I have no idea what unspeakable horrors await us in the second half of the season, but I imagine they won’t be pleasant. Hopefully, we won’t be subjected to anything as scary as this monstrosity:

Freddy Krueger’s Dream Team of the Week: Shouty’s Gang

Don’t look now, but Shouty has reeled off five straight wins, despite getting jack squat from first overall pick Christian McCaffery. General Manager/Head Coach Todd Gladfelter remains unbothered by CMC’s prolonged absence. “When you have Baker Mayfield and Daniel Jones, you don’t need CMC,” Gladfelter said.

Hannibal Lecter’s Favorite Player of the Week: Jalen Hurts

236 yards passing, 1 TD. 37 yards rushing, 3 TDs. Hurts is feeling great after dominating the Bengals, but he won’t be feeling so chipper after Hannibal kidnaps him, amputates his leg, and then serves said leg for dinner. I hear Chardonnay pairs nicely with baked leg. Also, don’t befriend cannibals. It never ends well.

Chucky’s Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels

Nursing dinged ribs, Daniels outdueled fellow rookie Caleb Williams by doing this on the final play of the game:

See the idiot in the lower left corner taunting Commanders fans WHILE Daniels was running around? Well played, sir.

Let’s look in on Bears fans:

Trick or Treat Midseason All-Star Team

We’ve reached the midway point of the 2024 fantasy football campaign, so it seems like an opportune time to call attention to the players who have earned a sack full of delicious candy, and those who deserve to have their arms bitten off before being dragged into the sewer by a deranged killer clown.

The Treats:

QB – Lamar Jackson: The beauty of owning Lamar in fantasy is you get to revel in all his glorious regular season passing and rushing production without having to suffer through his annual postseason collapse. He’s topped 23 points or more in 7 of 8 games, and leads all players in fantasy points with 225.

RB – Derrick Henry: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” Me today: “What kind of moron thought Derrick Henry was dust? Couldn’t have been me.” Big Dawg has 946 yards rushing and 11 total touchdowns in 8 games. Fuck me.

RB – Joe Mixon: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” You get the picture. Mixon narrowly beats out Saquon because he’s rushed for over 100 yards in the four games he’s started and finished. Didn’t see that coming.

WR – Ja’Marr Chase: One of the few bright spots at a position that has been decimated by injuries. Leads all wideouts in yards receiving and touchdown receptions. I have a message for Bengals owner Mike Brown. PAY THE MAN, YOU PENNY-PINCHING PRICK!

WR – Brian Thomas, Jr: Justin Jefferson and CeeDee Lamb are supposed to be awesome. But a Jaguars rookie who was considered the 4th best wide receiver prospect in the 2024 class? Not so much. He’s averaging 17.3 yards per catch and has scored 5 touchdowns.

TE – George Kittle: The last 49er standing. Unlike his brittle teammates, Kittle plays through his bumps and bruises and delivers the goods. 503 yards and 6 touchdowns are easily the best numbers from a position that has yielded mostly dogshit thus far.

The Tricks:

QB – Anthony Richardson: When Richardson actually plays, he’s been laughably pathetic. He’s completing 44.4% of his passes with 4 TDs, 7 INTs, 6 fumbles, and only 1 rushing score. He’s not just bad, he’s historically bad. And he was just benched in favor of Joe Flacco. Stick him in an iron maiden filled with starving rats.

RB – CMC: He might be back in Week 10 following the 49ers bye. Or he might not play a down this season. Who the hell knows?! The fact that Shouty’s Gang is 5-3 without him is impressive. That said, CMC should be dragged to hell by the Cenobites for boring the piss out of us with his never-ending saga.

RB – Travis Etienne: He’s essentially been replaced by Tank Bigsby. Maybe he’ll get traded to a fake contender like the Cowboys and regain relevancy. Until then, lock him inside the Amityville house and throw away the key.

WR – Chris Olave: The 13th wide receiver drafted ranks 52nd in wide receiver scoring. Olave is a perfectly cromulent player but nowhere near elite. Toss him in a river populated with flesh-eating piranha. If he’s a fast swimmer he might escape with superficial wounds.

WR – Jaylen Waddle: Without Tua, utterly useless. With Tua, borderline useless. Waddle is sentenced to stand in front of a mirror and say “Candyman” five times. That’s a less severe punishment than his fellow Alabama wide receiver teammates have received. Henry Ruggs is in prison for driving drunk and killing a woman, Jameson Williams is serving a suspension for juicing, and Jerry Jeudy is a Cleveland Brown.

TE – Sam LaPorta: 18 catches and only 1 TD in 7 games is not 3rd round material. Maybe if he switches to fullback he’ll actually be worth a damn. Chain his ankle to a bathroom pipe and leave him a hacksaw. That’ll teach him a lesson.

Chainsaw Massacre of the Week: Detroit Lions

The Lions carved up the Titans worse than Leatherface hacks up stranded teenagers. I’m not even sure how a modern NFL team scores 52 points with only 94 yards passing, but here we are. Add it to the expanding list of weird shit that is defining the 2024 season. David Montgomery ran and threw for a touchdown, Kalif Raymond scored on a 90-yard punt return and caught another touchdown on the ensuing drive. I think I saw Barry Sanders punch one in for good measure. For their efforts, the Titans will be burned at the stake while being pummeled with rocks.

Dead Rising of the Week: Jameis Winston

The Jameis Experience is back! Just when you thought the crab thief was out, the perpetually dysfunctional Cleveland Browns pull him back in. The man responsible for the magical 5000 yards, 33 TD, 30 INT 2019 season returned under center and mowed through the Ravens like Michael Myers mowed through the town of Haddonfield. 334 yards, 3 TDs, and shockingly, only 1 turnover. He’ll no doubt be benched at some point in the near future, but until that day arrives we can all sit back and enjoy the show.

Unsolved Mystery of the Week: The O-Lineman Dive

Why did Bears offensive coordinator Shane Waldron call an O-Lineman dive at the 1-yard line (that resulted in a catastrophic fumble) rather than hand the ball to an actual running back? Pundits and scholars are dumbfounded. Was it a simple lapse in judgment or was something more sinister at play?

Trade Alert: Diontae Johnson is a Raven

Source: Bob Donnan-Imagn Images

I’m sure Johnson will love getting 3 targets while Derrick Henry and Lamar run for 200 yards. Unless he can play cornerback, this trade makes zero sense.

The “Not the Bees” Injury Report

For the love of God, make it stop!!!

Jordan Love – Strained groin, week-to-week. Maybe the Packers can trade for Aaron Rodgers.

Drake Maye – Concussion, week-to-week. If I were Maye, I’d keep “failing” the concussion protocol test until January.

Stefon Diggs – Knee, out for the season. Welp, looks like Joe Mixon will be getting 40 carries per game.

Tee Higgins – Quad, day-to-day. Bengals with Higgins, 3-2. Bengals without Higgins, 0-3.

Christian Kirk – Broken collarbone, out for season. Not having to finish out the Jaguars season seems like a win.

Gabe Davis – Shoulder, week-to-week. Does he really want to come back? Probably not.

Brian Thomas, Jr – Chest contusion, day-to-day. For those keeping score at home, the Jaguars top three wide receivers all suffered injuries on Sunday. Did someone open an umbrella in the locker room before the game?

Tyrone Tracy – Concussion, week-to-week. Playing for the Giants must be like living in a zombie apocalypse. There’s no escape.

Jordan Mason (shoulder) and Deebo Samuel (oblique) – I’m sick and tired of tracking all the 49ers injuries. From here on out, let’s just assume all of their RBs and WRs are week-to-week.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Halloween is a Covert Op

After hearing for years through the NFL grapevine that Rodgers wrote a wackadoo Halloween manifesto, a deeply embedded source recently sent me the following, which may or may not be a section of the manifesto in question:

You might believe Halloween is a fun night for children, or another excuse for adults to party, but it’s not. In reality, it’s a government op. A massive coordinated effort to spy on Americans and keep them in check. The CIA, FBI, NSA, Homeland Security are all in on it. They lace the candy with mind-altering sedatives that suppress critical thinking. It’s not a sugar coma, it’s a thought coma. Costumes are outfitted with tiny cameras that record home addresses and download them to a central database. You think trick or treaters are just kids in masks? Well, they aren’t. One out of ten is a CIA asset tasked to infiltrate neighborhoods and quell dissent. This covert campaign is even more widespread during an election year. Stay diligent. Be aware. Trust no one.

Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Indiana SixPence

SixPence looks to snap Shouty’s win streak and stay alive in the playoff hunt. It’s Hurts versus Dak, Robinson versus Robinson, and Tucker versus Seibert. When asked about a possible quarterback change, Indiana Head Coach Mark Lericos once again rushed to the defense of choke artist Dak Prescott. “Listen, we’re all in with Dak. Yes, he’s been heinous, but he’s working through it. What part of ALL IN do you not understand!?”

Farvel for nå.