Now it begins…
The 2025 NFL season is upon us. Get ready for 4-plus months of nerve-racking ordeals, humiliating downfalls, asinine punditry, conspiratorial injustices, soul-crushing indignities, laugh-out-loud buffoonery, and slightly elevated dick and fart jokes… and some football, I guess.
I’m not really sure what I witnessed during the Week 1 slate of games, but I gather it wasn’t the pristine product that Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies envisioned after they spent the offseason coping and seething that the Philadelphia Eagles ruined the first ever Super Bowl Era three-peat.
Nevertheless, Week 1 was a genuine shitshow, jam-packed with a staggering amount of incompetence. With the exception of the Bills, Ravens, and Packers, the entire league needs to be put in timeout wearing a giant dunce cap while Nurse Ratched whacks its knees with a riding whip.
Wake up, assholes. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through a season. Unless you’re the New York Giants.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Character Assassins
Hey, that’s me! The Assassins topped the week in scoring led by… checks notes… Justin Fields? That’s right, the former Bear/Steeler was finally allowed by the new Jets regime to, ya know, play to his strengths, utilizing his big arm and shifty legs to slice and dice the vaunted Steelers D. I’m under no illusion that Fields will continue to drop 30-point bunker busters, but for one week he looked the part of a legit star quarterback. As an added bonus, I wiped that pig-squealing grin off the Purdy Mouth.
I’m Your Huckleberry Player of the Week: Josh Allen
Well, well, well. Still think Lamar Jackson deserved the MVP over Josh Allen? Hailee Steinfeld’s better half went nuclear Sunday night, totaling 424 yards and 4 TDs, while leading four scoring drives in the 4th quarter to overcome a 15-point deficit to the rival Ravens. Bills Mafia is once again pounding the table that the Bills are Super Bowl bound. What could go wrong?
The It Sounds Made Up Shocker of the Week: Daniel Jones
With the stink of the Giants fully cleansed, Danny Dimes led the Colts to a blowout win over the pretty porpoises, accounting for 3 scores and more importantly, ZERO turnovers. Next week he faces the Broncos defense, so there’s a decent chance I’ll be fitting him for a big fat pumpkin costume soon.
The Lives in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bryce Young
Number 1 overall pick Bryce Young on Sunday:
The look on that kid’s face encapsulates what it’s like to be a Panthers fan.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Emeka Egbuka
4 catches, 67 yards, 2 TDs. Are the Bucs 3D printing All-Pro wide receivers? Egbuka lived up to the preseason hype by torching the latest version of the Falcons dreadful secondary. Chronically injured Chris Godwin is allegedly returning at some point this season, but if I were him I’d be a bit concerned, especially since the Bucs moved his locker to the basement and scheduled a meeting with the Bobs.
Trade Alert: Tank is an Eagle!
Howie Roseman is contractually obligated to make a trade every seven days or the football Gods will smite him where he stands. Anyway, Tank Bigsby was good in 2024 and his addition moves the Eagles one step closer to recreating the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.
LOL Image of the Week
T-Law is the master of painfully average games where he sails passes to wide-open receivers and forces errant throws into traffic. Lest we forget, Brian Thomas didn’t become a target hog last season until Mac Jones (lol) took over. Maybe year 5 will be Trevy’s “breakout.” Or maybe he’ll continue to be the most protected and overrated player in the league. My money is on the latter.
The Red Wedding Injury Report
Is that “The Rains of Castamere” I hear playing? Yes, yes it is.
George Kittle, Brock Purdy, Jauan Jennings – Various ailments. Just like in 2024, pretty much every 49er should be considered week-to-week. And yes, this includes CMC, who to his credit looked spry in Week 1, but we should know by now how his story ends.
Xavier Worthy – Dislocated shoulder, unknown. Remember last season when Patrick Mahomes took out Rashee Rice’s knee? Well, not to be outdone, Travis Kelce took out Worthy’s shoulder on a botched crossing route. Is Andy Reid issuing bounties on his own players?
Drake London – Shoulder, day-to-day. You either hate the Drake or you love the Drake. I’m not sure which side I fall on, but he plays for the Falcons, so it’s a near lock he ends up being a disappointment.
Brock Bowers – Knee, day-to-day. Bowers says he’s fine, but he plays for the cursed Raiders, so he might want to sacrifice a chicken or at the very least burn some incense in his locker.
Evan Engram – Calf, unknown. Engram plays for the Broncos? I thought he retired 2 years ago. At any rate, he pulled a calf muscle so maybe he should retire for real if for no other reason than to make me look like less of an idiot for not knowing he was still in the league.
Jerry Jones’ Feeble-Minded Pants Shitting Quote of the Week
“This gives us a chance to be a better team than we’ve had the last several years.”
Jerry Jones, after trading michael(?) parsons
Jerry is the gift that keeps on giving. In this case, he gave an NFC rival one of the best defensive players in the league, and in return received an aging defensive tackle and a pair of late first-round picks. Well done, sir.
Let’s look in on how Micah did with his new team (WARNING LOUD AUDIO):
And the rest of the NFL’s reaction to the trade:
Week 2 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Wookilars
First place in the New York Division is on the line when the league’s top two scoring squads enter the arena. Week 1 darlings, Justin Fields and Josh Allen, will look to continue their hot starts, while Saquon and Kyren hope to improve on underwhelming opening outings. But this one might come down to Terry ‘Pay Me For Being Good Not Great’ McLaurin and Jaylen ‘I Excel at Dropping Easy Passes’ Waddle. If one of these two can pull their head from their ass and actually earn their money, it would really help.
Stud Running Back 