The last two undefeated teams have fallen, which begs the question: are there actually any good NFL teams? It’s easy to identify the dregs of the league, but the so-called contenders all appear to have significant flaws.
The Bills went toe-to-toe in beating the Week 1 Ravens that weren’t yet ravaged by injuries, but subsequent victories over the LOL Jets, ROFL Dolphins, and LMAO Saints are unimpressive, and losing at home to the rival Patriots in primetime is not Penske material.
Meanwhile, the defending champion Eagles are a Jekyll-Hyde horror show due in large part to donkey offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo, and drama magnet AJ Brown, who’s been pouting nonstop ever since Jalen Hurts stole his milk money.
The Colts might be legit but similar to the Bills, they have wins over shit teams like the Titans, Dolphins, and Raiders. The Steelers are 3-1 with a -2 point differential. The Bucs can score at will, but their defense is putrid. The Jags are somehow 4-1 with wins over the 49ers and Chiefs, but they’re still the Jags.
The Pats, Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Rams, Seahawks, Commanders and Packers have shown glimpses of greatness, but none have displayed the gravitas needed for Colin Cowherd to captain a way too early Super Bowl bandwagon that he will inevitably abandon by November.
That leaves the 49ers, who have miraculously overcome their starting offense taking up residence in the medical tent, and the Lions, who once again boast the league’s most potent offense but are once again hampered by a defense that can’t stay healthy.
My hope is that everyone finishes 10-7 and complex math formulas are required to determine which teams advance to the playoffs. Then the fanbases of the teams that don’t make it can spend the offseason whimpering and pleading to Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies to change the rules.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies
The Billies started Justice Hill and still racked up 166 points, thanks to 61 combined from the Mayfield-Egbuka connection and 18 from their fucking footie. I have no idea what a ThrillBillie is and quite frankly I don’t want to know. All I do know is this team is crushing opponents every week and is a frontrunner to win the 2025 Gulfman League title. I mean, Bijan was on a bye and they still dominated. Good luck to the rest of us.
The Get Away From Her, You Bitch Player of the Week: Rico Dowdle
23 carries, 206 yards, 1 TD; 3 catches, 28 yards. I’m not sure if this stat line is indicative of Dowdle’s talent or Miami’s lack thereof. Whatever the case, he absolutely dunked on the Pretty Porpoises, delivering the best pigskin performance by a Rico since this legend:
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Geno Smith
228 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 4 sacks taken. I keep hearing that Geno is an underrated and overlooked quarterback, but every time I turn on the tape I see nothing but Blake Bortles-level incompetence. How many times has Geno thrown an interception this season?
Sounds like the perfect Raiders quarterback.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Jacory Croskey-Merritt
14 carries, 111 yards, 2 TDs; 2 catches, 39 yards. Apparently, Croskey-Merritt goes by Bill. Where the hell did Bill come from? I could understand JCM or Jacko, or something a little broader like Cross-Fit. But Bill? C’mon Jacory, do better with the nicknames.
LOL Image of the Week
Mark Sanchez was so disgusted by this graphic that he stabbed an old man over a parking spot.
How the Tennessee Titans Score Touchdowns
Just like they drew it up in the playbook.
Baker Mayfield Appreciation Video of the Week
How can anyone not like Baker Mayfield? All the guy does is ball out and win nearly every time he steps on the field. Lest we forget, the Browns traded Mayfield to the Panthers for a conditional 5th-round draft pick in 2022. Since then he’s thrown for 89 touchdowns and led the Bucs to back-to-back playoff appearances. Meanwhile, the Browns are, well, the Browns:
Trade Alert: Flacco is a Bengal!
Speaking of the Browns, the second Joe Flacco era in Cleveland is over after 2 TD passes, 6 interceptions and a 1-3 record. Now he gets to play behind a worse O-line and with a defense that allows 31.2 points per game. Is he an upgrade over Jake Browning…¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The Judgment Day Injury Report
I guess the Injury Gods took offense to me calling them massive dicks because this week they decided to drop a Fat Man and Little Boy on my roster. They even killed my kicker (which I’m totally fine with BTW).
Saquon Barkley – Knee, day-to-day. The 2024 Barkley has been MIA and now he has a bum knee. I shoulda known.
Omarion Hampton – Ankle, placed on IR. Like fucking clockwork, the once 3-0 Chargers are going full Chargers. It must suck to be one of their 8 fans.
Brock Bowers – Knee, week-to-week. He hurt his knee in Week 1 but the dipshit Raiders kept playing him so now the knee is really fucked. Mark Davis makes Jerry Jones look like Copernicus.
Chuba Hubbard – Calf, week-to-week. After watching what Rico just did, Chuba probably wants to get back ASAP.
Darius Slayton – Hammy, unknown. Considering the state of the Giants wide receiving corps, I wouldn’t be surprised if Victor Cruz and David Tyree suit up on Thursday night.
Brenton Strange – Hip, placed on IR. Without Strange, the Jags will have to rely on more touchdowns like this:
Motivational Coaching Moment of the Week: Jonathan Gannon
Jonathan Gannon is a mental midget (who was also just fined $100K, LOL) but I certainly understand why he went full sperg on Emari Demercado.
Ahh yes, another touchdown-erasing premature celebration that would make DeSean Jackson proud. It seems like we get one of these a week, which is yet another reason why the NFL product is becoming unwatchable slop. Other reasons being abysmal officiating, moronic coaching, terrible quarterback play, and mind-numbing overanalysis. But hey, at least we’re getting more international games! Just what everyone asked for, right?
Week 6 Gold Standard Matchup: Schrodinger vs Weiner
As exciting as it will be to watch James Cook and Jahmyr Gibbs go head-to-head, I’m looking forward to seeing which Chargers receiver Justin Herbert will favor — Quentin Johnston or Ladd McConkey. Ladd was the apple of Herbie’s eye last season, but so far this year it’s been all QJ. If I were Ladd, I’d slip some laxative into Quentin’s pregame protein shake. It’s a proven strategy.
Stud Running Back 