After a topsy-turvy Week 13, I think it’s safe to say there’s been a tectonic shift in the NFL.
-The defending champion Eagles are in the midst of another late-season collapse that bares a striking resemblance to the one they suffered in 2023. (Also, I had nothing to do with this.)
-The 6-6 Chiefs and their dynasty are crumbling right before our eyes with games against the Texans, Chargers, and Broncos remaining.
-The Ravens are hanging on by a thread with a clearly out-of-sorts Lamar Jackson playing the worst football of his career.
-The Bills are basically a reincarnation of the Randall Cunningham-led Eagles of the late 80s-early 90s. Fun but fraudulent.
-The 7-5 Lions are currently on the outside looking in of the NFC Playoff picture and face a quasi elimination game against the Cowboys in Week 14.
-The Rams Super Bowl train and Matt Stafford’s MVP campaign both got derailed by of all teams, the Panthers.
-The Bucs are starting to get healthy but they have a -22 point differential to go along with a hobbled Baker Mayfield.
-Meanwhile, the Broncos, Patriots, Bears, Texans, Packers, Jaguars, 49ers, and … [checks notes] … Cowboys (!?!?) are all peaking at the right time.
In other words, the old guard is fucked. Make way for the new kids.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Indiana Purdy Mouth
Huge week for the Purdy Mouth as they moved one step closer to seizing the New York Division crown, thanks in part to the Seattle D racking up a whopping 30 points. A win next week will get it done, but a loss will make it a bit more difficult despite ranking 2nd in total points scored. That would kinda suck, so don’t fuck it up, fellas.
The Shake and Bake Player of the Week: AJ Brown
10 catches, 132 yards, 2 TDs. It seems only fitting that Brown balled out in a season-crippling loss to the Bears. Hurts sucked, Barkley sucked, and the coaches, of course, sucked. But good ol’ Arthur Juan decided to finally earn his money. In fact, since telling some live-streamer named Jankyrondo that fantasy owners should trade him, he’s the number 2 overall wide receiver. Yup, being an Eagles fan is maddening.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: JSN
2 catches, 23 yards, 0 TDs. After running pure for 11 straight games, JSN was due for a faceplant. Luckily, the Seahawks didn’t need him thanks to their ferocious defense feasting on a quarterback no one knew existed before this weekend.
The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey
35 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 3 catches for 27 yards. It wasn’t the greatest week for young bucks, but Harvey wins the prize for being another in a long line of Bronco players to help extract victory from the jaws of defeat. At some point, they’re gonna get got, right?
The Truth Really, Really, Really Hurts
Poor Geno has been sacked 25 times in the last four games. By all measures, he should be dead.
The Fender Bender Injury Report
It was another relatively light week for breaks and tears. Maybe the Injury Gods have forgiven me for calling them massive dicks earlier in the season.
Justin Herbert – Broken hand, unknown. Herbert underwent a “procedure” to repair a broken bone in his left hand. If he sits next week, Trey Lance will have the privilege of scoring more points than the Eagles on Monday Night Football.
Aaron Jones – Shoulder, day-to-day. Just pack it in, Aaron. When your best quarterback is Carson Wentz, you got serious problems.
Marvin Harrison Jr – Heel, week-to-week. Just pack it in, Marv. When your best quarterback is Jacoby Brissett, you got serious problems.
Parker Washington – Hip, unknown. Parker leads the team in receptions and receiving touchdowns, which is equal parts impressive and pathetic.
‘Welcome to the NFL’ Implosion of the Week: Max Brosmer
I had never heard the name Max Brosmer until he was announced as the Vikings starting quarterback. Apparently he played one year at the University of Minnesota. And on Sunday, the Vikings thought it was a good idea to send him out to face the Seahawks 3rd ranked defense. The results went as expected.
Let’s check in on Justin Jefferson owners:
The Giants Can’t Stop Gianting
I mean, what are we even doing with footies? Enough is enough.
Week 14 Gold Standard Matchup: Billies vs Excuses
The top 2 teams in the Carolina Division throwing down in the final week of the regular season? It doesn’t get any better than that. Mahomes vs Mayfield, JT vs Bijan, Lamb vs Puka. Hell yeah, brother! A loss for the Billies might end their playoff hopes, so, ya know, I would strongly suggest not losing.
Stud Running Back 