Tag Archives: nfl draft

Week 12 Recap: Money For Nothing

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This week’s recap was delayed due to my detainment for an egging incident that took place at Nick Sirianni’s house late Monday night. I’ve been advised to say nothing. All I will say is if I did do it, I wouldn’t be foolish enough to leave an eggy glove at the scene of the alleged crime. I’ll also be dedicating all of my spare time to find the real egger.

Speaking of unsolved mysteries, let’s check in on how the Gulfman League playoff race is shaping up. Will anyone be screwed out of a berth because total points isn’t the determining metric used to qualify? Inquiring minds.

In the Carolina Division, the Billies and Excuses are sitting at 9-3 and odds are one will seize the crown. However, the 7-5 Evergreens lead the league in points scored by over 100 and have reeled off five straight wins. And the Dogs, winners of 3 in a row, are catching fire at the right time.

Meanwhile, the New York Division title is a battle between the Wookilars, Purdy Mouth, and Schrody. The Mouth hold a slight edge in points over the Wooks, but both squads are on 2-game losing streaks. Neither can ill afford another trip-up if they want a shot to achieve playoff glory.

Strap in, kids. A fantastic finish is on the horizon.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Blind Monkeys

I prognosticated last week that the unseeing simians were in a great spot to end their winless suffering, and hot damn, they did just that! Recent addition Michael Wilson continued to look way better than Marv Harrison Jr. and AJ Brown took a break from cryptic tweeting and leaking drama to Eagles “insiders” to score a touchdown. Well done, AJ. I’m sure you’ll be much happier after the Eagles trade you to the Raiders in the offseason.

The You’re a Disease and I’m the Cure Player of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs

219 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 11 catches, 45 yards, 1 TD. The great debate come draft time next summer will be which stud running back will go number one overall — Gibbs or Jonathan Taylor? Yeah, give me Gibbs all day long. Taylor is being run into the ground similar to the way Saquon was in 2024, plus he’s 3 years older. If the Lions ever get rid of David Montgomery, Gibbs will deliver a LaDainian Tomlinson type season.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Lamar Jackson

164 total yards, 0 touchdowns. Oof. Lamar has looked like shit since returning from injury. Sure, the Browns and Jets are solid on defense, but he isn’t even running anymore. If he flops against the LOL Bengals on Turkey Day, concern will continue to swell in Ravens Nation. Another postseason collapse is imminent.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty

108 total yards, 8 catches, 1 TD. Jeanty was handed a gift this week after the Raiders finally fired Chip Dip Kelly. That should’ve happened weeks ago. Correction, he never should’ve been hired in the first place. Chip Kelly is a fucking moron… and quite possibly a lizard person.

Nut Shot of the Week

As if the 49ers haven’t endured enough pain and agony this season, now they have to worry about random nut punches. This kind of testicle abuse must be banned! Oh, never mind. Commandant Goodell and his cabal of cronies are too busy inventing new ways to ban the dreaded tush push, which of course is a much bigger threat to player safety.

The Fury Road Injury Report

Hey, not a lot of post apocalyptic carnage on the injury front. Be thankful.

Tee Higgins – Concussion, week-to-week. The bad news is Tee will miss the Thanksgiving tilt with Baltimore. The good news is he didn’t spit on anyone before or after he was concussed.

Baker Mayfield – Shoulder sprain, week-to-week. Bucs have lost 3 straight and now Baker is banged up. We’re looking at a 9-8 NFC South Champion, which is very NFC South.

Alvin Kamara – Knee, unknown. Fun fact: Kamara has never rushed for 1000 yards in a season.

Week 13 Gold Standard Matchup: Wiener vs Lame

Showdowns like this are why we play fantasy football. Well, that and the opportunity to lord dominance over leaguemates after we humiliate them. If the Lame ones win, they all but assure a playoff berth. But if the Dogs break the skin and ragdoll the Excuses they will find themselves in the thick of the playoff hunt. Lamar vs Mahomes. Gibbs vs JT. Kittle vs Andrews. Sign me the fuck up!

Good luck to everyone. I’m off to watch the greatest Thanksgiving movie ever made.

Week 11 Recap: November Rain

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We’ve reached the point in the season when the frauds begin to rear their disgusting heads. Obsequious ball-knowers, All-22 tape grinders, and Twitter analytic bros love to pretend that the likes of Sam Darnold, Jared Goff, and Justin Herbert are not only legitimate MVP candidates, but also capable of leading their respective teams to Super Bowl titles. Of course, this is utter nonsense.

  • Darnold: 29/44, 279 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTS
  • Goff: 14/37, 255 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
  • Herbert: 10/18, 81 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT

Three huge games, three epic flops from supposed elite quarterbacks. Simps will farm excuses like bad matchup, inclement weather, and cluster injuries, but the bottom line is when it matters most, all three of these desperate to be relevant signal-callers succumb to a severe case of shrinkage.

Let’s be real. There’s a handful of quarterbacks who can win the Super Bowl and this terrible trio isn’t among them. Neither is Jordan Love. Neither is Daniel Jones. Neither is Dak Prescott. And neither is, that’s right, Lamar Jackson.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Dark Corner ThrillBillies

The Billies maintained their grip on the league’s best record by dispatching Schrody (and Quentin Jonnston’s second Blutarsky of the season). Led by Bijan “I’m Wasting my Prime in Hell” Robinson and Travis “Tree Trunk” Kelce, Dark Corner moved one step closer to capturing the Carolina Division crown.

The I’m The Juggernaut, Bitch Player of the Week: Josh Allen

317 yards passing, 3 TDs; 40 yards rushing, 3 TDs. As he is wont to do a few times each season, the reigning MVP donned his Superman cape and carried the we’re talking proud Bills to victory. And he’s probably going to have to do this a lot more considering the Buffalo defense just allowed 200 yards rushing to a pass-first Bucs team without their number one running back.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Ja’Marr Chase

3 catches, 30 yards, 1 suspension for spitting. Listen, I get that playing for the Bengals is infinite misery, but hocking a loogie on an opposing player while getting destroyed in a key rivalry game is fucking stupid. I’m sure Chase will enjoy not having to face the Patriots in Week 12, but his fantasy owners seem less than enthusiastic.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: TreVeyon Henderson

62 yards rushing, 2 TDs; 5 catches, 31 yards, 1 TD. Credit the Purdy Mouth for snagging Henderson off waivers a few weeks back. I didn’t even realize he was available, which speaks to my not-remotely-locked-in mindset. But enough about my failings. After a slow start, Hendo has the look of a league winner. His next three games are against the Bengals, Giants, and Bills.

LOL Image of the Week

via @Ihartitz

It just goes to show that playcallers matter. One guy has Ben Johnson designing the offense and the other guy has Kevin Patullo.

The Rage Virus Injury Report

The injury bug continues to spread with no cure in sight.

Michael Penix, Jr – Knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The Falcons haven’t had a winning season since 2017. Also, Penix sucks.

Drake London – Knee, week-to-week. When he returns, he’ll get to catch passes from Kirk Cousins.

JK Dobbins – Foot, OUT FOR SEASON. Three teams, three significant injuries. Dobbins has had a rough go of it. He’ll make a great Commander in 2026.

Josh Jacobs – Knee, week-to-week. The Packers only reliable offensive player being hurt is less than ideal for a team with fading playoff hopes.

Calvin Ridley – Broken fibula, OUT FOR SEASON. The good news is he doesn’t have to play out the string for the miserable Titans.

Kimani Vidal – Quad, week-to-week. The Chargers are once again on the verge of going full Chargers.

Jaylen Warren – Ankle, week-to-week. Kenny Gainwell is better than Warren. Yeah, I said it.

Aaron Rodgers – Slightly broken wrist, unknown. Only Rodgers could suffer a “slight” break in his wrist. I really hope he follows in the footsteps of Brett Favre and signs with the Vikings next offseason.

Emari Demercado – Ankle, week-to-week. Do NOT sign with the Cardinals if you’re a free agent running back. It won’t end well.

Dillon Gabriel – Concussion, week-to-week. I feel bad that Gabriel got his bell rung, but it allowed us a sneak peek at the disaster that is Shedeur Sanders.

Hey, at least he didn’t sexually assault any massage therapists.

That’s My Quarterback! of the Week: Adam Trautman

How come Jalen Hurts’ teammates don’t defend him like this? Oh, that’s because they hate him with a passion even though he just led them to a Super Bowl championship. To be fair, it wouldn’t be an Eagles season without locker room strife and media manufactured turmoil.

Week 12 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Monkeys

It’s been a long season for both squads, but only the visually impaired primates have yet to notch a W. This might be their best chance get off the schneid. Stafford draws the Bucs, Henry faces the Jets, and Judkins gets the privilege of toying with the LOL Raiders. And maybe, just maybe, AJ Brown will stop whining long enough to finish running a route and catch a touchdown pass.

Week 9 Recap: The Real Slim Shady

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Welp, we all knew this day would come. It was bound to happen sooner than later. Midnight struck and Daniel Jones turned back into a pumpkin. And as only he can, he did so in spectacular fashion.

3 interceptions, 2 lost fumbles, 5 sacks taken. 27-20 loss to the Steelers.

That’s vintage Daniel Jones. As is this:

And this:

Daniel Jones works in turnovers the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It’s his true medium, a master.

Let’s look in on Giants fans watching him on Sunday:

All is right in the world again. Balance has been restored to the Force. Colts fans can finally reconcile that the unhappy ending to their 2025 season was written long ago.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: PNW Evergreens

A famous paramilitary rescue team tracker once said, “There’s something in those trees.” In Week 9 that something was CMC and Drake London.

The Evergreens planted the hapless Monkeys like it was Arbor Day, and poured sap in the wounds for good measure. Not even napalm can stop this punishing pulp.

The Give Em The Heater Player of the Week: Brock Bowers

12 catches, 127 yards, 3 TDs. Welcome back, Brock! I knew there was a reason why I drafted you in the 2nd round. It was for games like these. Sadly, this does me little good in Week 9 after my moronic management decisions the previous two weeks. Anyway, a healthy Bowers is so beastly he can make garbage Geno Smith look semi-competent.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Rome Odunze

Odunze pulled a Blutarsky against… [checks notes]… the Bengals?

A nothing-burger in a game where the Bears hung 47 points? I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.

The I Love Them So Much Rookies of the Week: Kyle Monongai & Colston Loveland

198 total yards, 3 catches; 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TDs. A pair of young cubs were the latest to eviscerate the LOL Bengals defense. Despite the gaudy stats posted by this dynamic duo, it’s difficult to gauge how good either is because everyone (except Rome Odunze) smashes the Bengals. Hell, Caleb Williams tossed 3 scores and caught another from DJ Moore, who himself ran for a TD. The Bears are fun, but seeing them humbled in the playoffs by a team that actually plays defense will be very satisfying.

LOL Image of the Week

Via @Ihartitz

If you thought I was finished shitting on the Bengals, think again. This hilarious graphic is running backs who have faced them this season. Not exactly a murderer’s row of elite dudes, and they still have to see Derrick Henry twice, James Cook, and Devon Achane.

Quarterbackin’ Aint Easy – Patrick Mahomes

Looks like Patty’s sideline antics didn’t go according to plan against the Bills. That’s a shame.

The Bring Out Your Dead Injury Report

Like the height of a medieval plague, the bodies continue to pile up.

Jayden Daniels – Dislocated elbow, LIKELY OUT FOR SEASON. It took about 5 seconds after this grizzly injury occurred in a game the Commanders were losing 38-7 for the internet to be flooded with RGIII comparisons. So yeah, Dan Quinn might want to relocate to a safe house and lay low for awhile.

Tucker Kraft – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. Just when I vaulted him up the All-Time Kraft rankings, he blows out a knee. Looks like Massage Parlor Bob Kraft is back to #3 (psst… between us, he’ll always be #1).

Brian Thomas, Jr. – Ankle, week-to-week. BTJ is screwed until the Jags git rid of Trevor Lawrence because Trevor Lawrence fucking sucks.

Travis Hunter – Sprained ACL, on IR. See above.

Puka Nacua – Chest, day-to-day. I told you he’s injury prone! Nah, he’ll be fine… or will he?

CJ Stroud – Concussion, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.

Aaron Jones – AC joint, day-to-day. He just came back and is already hurt again. That’s so 2025.

Kayshon Boutte – Hamstring, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.

Luke McCaffery – Broken collarbone, OUT FOR SEASON. Jesus, my fingers are cramping. Will this update ever end?

Dak Prescott – Minor ankle sprain, day-to-day. Are we sure it’s “minor?” Cuz the Cardinals D made regular season Dak look like playoff Dak on MNF.

Matthew Golden – Shoulder, day-to-day. The last time the Packers had a fully healthy wide receiving corps was 1987.

Cole Kmet – Concussion, week-to-week. Cole, you’ve been replaced. Get well soon.

Insurrection of the Week: The Bengals Offense

Yup, still not done with the Bengals. Their putrid defense has allowed a league worst 300 points. That’s 51 more than the Giants, 43 more than the Titans, and 23 more than the Cowboys. To put that in perspective, the Texans have allowed 121 points. Gee, I can’t imagine why Bengals offensive players are so upset.

Trade Deadline Summary

-The Jags traded for Jakobi Myers – Saying Trevor Lawrence is better than Geno Smith is like saying impalement is better than drawing and quartering.

-The Seahawks acquired Rashid Shaheed – This is an obvious upgrade until the obvious Sam Darnold meltdown.

-The 3-5-1 Cowboys dealt a 1st and 2nd round pick for a declining defensive tackle who is worse than Micha Parsons. Oh, and they also acquired a Bengals defensive player.

Week 10 Gold Standard Matchup: ThrillBillies vs Wookilars

What we got here is a good ol’ fashioned donnybrook between the league’s top two teams. The winner shall be heaped with praise and accolades. Meanwhile, the loser will be publicly shamed, subjected to a stoning, and ostracized like a leper colony. In other words, the stakes are high in this one.

Week 8 Recap: Trash Day

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It was a bad week for fans of competitive football. Lopsided games were all the rage. Behold, the final scores!

  • 37-10
  • 34-10
  • 32-13
  • 38-20
  • 40-9
  • 30-16
  • 26-15
  • 23-3
  • 44-24
  • 38-14
  • 35-25
  • 28-7

And the Raiders, Jaguars, and Cardinals were on a bye or it would’ve been worse. Yeah, the season is going great.

And because the football Gods have a cruel sense of humor, the lone close game was Jets-Bengals, a game only masochists sat down to watch. A duel between recently benched Justin Fields and 40-year-old Joe Flacco. A game the Jets won, which only serves to fuck up the chances they will secure the number one overall pick in the 2026 Draft, something they desperately need (along with a new owner and head coach).

Peeking at the Week 9 schedule and, hoo boy, it looks grim. But hey, at least we get another round of Chiefs vs Bills. The nonstop fellating of Patty Mahomes and Josh Allen by all of sports media should be fun… right?

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

Schrody knocked off the mighty Lame ones and did so with Quentin Johnston doing his annual October disappearing act and Deebo doing Deebo things like bungling gimme screen passes that turn into interceptions. Fortunately, Love, Cook, and Goedert showed up to work and kicked ass. As long as Schrody keeps zeroes like QJ and Deebo on the bench, they’ll be just fine.

The Groovy Player of the Week: Tucker Kraft

7 catches, 143 yards, 2 TDs. Seems only fitting that on National Tight Ends Day that a tight end win this coveted award. Kraft pretty much wrecked the fraud Steelers all by himself. His performance also vaulted him up the all-time Kraft rankings.

#1 Kraft Mac & Cheese

#2 Kraftwerk

#3 Tucker Kraft

#4 Massage Parlor Bob Kraft

#5 Austrian Ski Jumper Stefan Kraft

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Bijan Robinson

48 total yards, 0 TDs, 1 lost fumble. The Falcons have now been shutout by the Panthers and destroyed at home by the Pretty Porpoises. I feel sorry for Bijan. He’s destined to waste his prime years anchored to a franchise mired in mediocrity that continues to crush the hopes of its tortured fanbase year after year.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: RJ Harvey

7 carries, 46 yards, 2 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yards, 1 TD. Of course Harvey waited until he played my shitty team to deliver a breakout performance. Every god damn Bronco except Courtland Sutton scored against the LOL Cowboys. I blame Chauncey Billups. He obviously rigged the game to screw me. It’s the only logical explanation.

LOL Image of the Week

What the hell is going on with the Steelers throwback uniforms? These things are hideous. Need I remind you, this isn’t the first time they’ve committed fashion murder.

Somehow this franchise has 6 Super Bowl wins.

The Black Knight Injury Report

The Black Knight always triumphs, so there isn’t much to report this week.

Cam Skattebo – Ankle, OUT FOR SEASON. Good night, sweet prince. Your reckless abandon running style and penchant to headbutt the nearest wall will be missed.

Quinshon Judkins – Shoulder, day-to-day. He should be fine. Well, the shoulder should be fine. He still plays for the Browns.

Saquon Barkley – Groin, day-to-day. The 2024 Saquon finally made an appearance on Sunday. Thanks for waiting 8 weeks. I really appreciate it.

Terrry McLaurin – Quad, unknown. Not So Scary Terry returned from his quad injury and promptly aggravated said quad. Well done.

Joe Flacco – Shoulder, day-to-day. Losing to the Jets is injury enough.

Carson Wentz – Shoulder, OUT FOR SEASON. The 2025 Carson Wentz Experience ends with 6 TDs, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, and 19 sacks taken.

The Hey NFL, Go Fuck Yourself of the Week: Al Michaels

Al Michaels has had it with the NFL’s bullshit. Some dickless flunky called into the booth on Thursday Night Football to “correct” Michaels’ assertion that Will Reichard’s lone missed field goal this season hit a wire during one of the godawful London games the league subjects players and fans to every fucking season.

The kick in question from Week 5:

I’m no Abraham Zapruder but it sure looks like that football makes an abrupt right turn. The league disagrees:

Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Excuses vs Wookilars

A pair of 6-2 squads throwing down highlights the Week 9 slate. We get Mahomes vs Allen, Lamb vs The Sun God, and JT vs Kyren. Now we’re talking! As long as JT doesn’t rush for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, this one should be close. What are the odds that happens?

Week 7 Recap: Blue Monday

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About 5 minutes into the 4th quarter of the Giants-Broncos tilt on Sunday, I was prepared to declare Big Blue as a team on the rise. A team no longer the portrait of professional football ineptitude. A team no longer considered a perpetual punchline. A team no longer defined by asinine front office decisions and astounding coaching blunders. After all, they were about to defeat the defending Super Bowl champs and a stout Denver team in back-to-back weeks.

And then, well, they went full Giants.

Allowing 33 points in the 4th quarter seems bad because it is bad. Being the first team in 1602 games to lose when leading by 18+ points with 6 minutes remaining seems bad because it is bad. Missing 2 extra points in a 1-point game seems bad because it is bad.

You are what you are until you aren’t. And right now, the Giants are still a team that can’t get out of their own way. However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Jaxson Dart has some Josh Allen in him, Cam Skattebo is of a bygone era, and when healthy, Malik Nabers is a Top 5 receiver.

Moreover, it could be worse. They could be the Jets.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Lame Excuses

No flimsy justifications needed for the Lame ones in Week 7. They just flat out dominated the Monkeys, led by MVP frontrunner Patty Mahomes, OPOY frontrunner Johnathan Taylor, and back from injury CeeDee Lamb. The Excuses top the league in points scored and show no signs of slowing down. Rumor has it they enjoy humiliating opponents. I mean, REALLY enjoy it. Like in a disturbing way. One anonymous source describes them as a “team of sociopaths.” Uh, should I be scared?

The Boats and Hoes Player of the Week: DeVonta Smith

9 catches for 183 yards, 1 TD. I called out Jalen Hurts last week to figure it the fuck out and lo and behold, he did exactly that against the Vikings. AJ Brown could also be in this spot, but I’m going with Smitty because he’s easily the most undervalued wide receiver in football. The Slim Reaper set a career-high in yards, and even lobbied for moron Kevin Patullo to call the play that resulted in a 79-yard TD grab after identifying a tendency in the Vikings coverage. Shit, just make him Offensive Coordinator.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Tua Tagovailoa

100 yards passing, 3 INTs, 3 fumbles, 1 benching. Tua’s 2025 cap number is $39 million. Next season that number balloons to $56 million, or 19% of the entire salary cap. His career record is 39-30 and he has zero playoff wins. He’s careless with the football, injury prone, and enjoys throwing teammates under the bus. Yeah, he’ll definitely be a Jet in 2026.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Quinshon Judkins

25 carries, 84 yards, 3 TDs. Wait, a Browns player did something right? Say it ain’t so. Oh, it be so. Judkins single-handedly shredded the pretty porpoises and is pretty much carrying the entire offense. Not bad for a dude who didn’t sign his rookie contract until the day before the season due to assault charges that were eventually dropped. In other words, according to Johnny Law, he’s not a piece of shit. However, he’s a Cleveland Brown, so he still might be a piece of shit. Stay tuned!

LOL Image of the Week

A) The Chiefs’ ‘we’re pissed for blowing the three-peat’ revenge tour took a few weeks to get rolling but it appears to be full steam ahead, so the rest of the league should probably look the fuck out.

B) Pete Carroll needs to wash his hands of the mess that are the Raiders and retire before he tarnishes his legacy. At the very least he needs to fire Chip Kelly. Chip Dip has ruined enough teams already.

The We Got a Bleeder Injury Report

Unfortunately, it looks like both the frank and beans got caught in the zipper this week.

Jayden Daniels – Hamstring, week-to-week. It was all puppy dogs and rainbows for Daniels last season. This season, not so much as the Commanders continue to slide down the standings in the NFC.

Bryce Young – High ankle sprain, at least 2 weeks. Fire up the Red Rifle for the suddenly red hot Panthers!

Michael Penix – Bruised foot, day-to-day. You don’t say?

Mike Evans – Broken collarbone + concussion, likely done for season. Damn. The Bucs might have worse injury luck than the 49ers.

Nico Collins – Concussion, week-to-week. Considering that Nico is the Texans only good offensive player, his loss is less than ideal (analysis).

Darren Waller – Strained pec, week-to-week. Now that he’s hurt, will Waller retire from football again only to unretire from rapping?

Kendre Miller – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. The Saints are by far the best of the shitty teams. So at least they got that going for them.

Hello, Old Friend

Whoa, take it easy big fella. Celebrating is cool and everything but Rodgers is a geriatric whose bones have been severely weakened from years of injecting horse tranquilizers and ketamine. Also, I can’t believe it took me seven weeks before mentioning my favorite conspiracy theorist. Thankfully, I have atoned for this blatant miscarriage of justice.

Week 8 Gold Standard Matchup: Assassins vs Dogs

Both teams need a win to keep their dismal playoff chances alive. No Gibbs for Weiner, but Lamar should return from his bad hammy. Meanwhile, the Assassins will attempt to cobble together a lineup consisting of egregious busts and chronic underachievers. Who am I kidding, this matchup will be the equivalent of watching the 1994 Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl. If you know, you know.

Week 4 Recap: Strange Brew

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Week 4 was a someone spiked the Gatorade week. The list of oddities that unfurled is extensive but I’ll do my best to summarize the strangeness.

-Marvin Harrison Jr. actually caught a touchdown pass

-Kenny Gainwell rushed for 99 yards and 2 TDs and caught 6 balls for 35 yards

-Drake London and Kyle Pitts both caught touchdowns thrown by Kirk Cousins Michael Penix Jr.

-The Bills failed to cover the -16.5 spread against the Saints

-The Lions only scored 34 points at home (impossible!)

-The corpse of Stefon Diggs went over 100 yards

-The unbeaten Chargers had a meltdown against the hapless Giants

-Jalen Hurts went 0 for 8 for zero yards passing in the 2nd half… and the Eagles won anyway

-The Titans were shut out by the Texans, prompting this gem from Cam Ward:

-Colts receiver Adonai Mitchell fumbled through the back of the endzone to cost his team a score, and then committed an egregious holding penalty that negated a Jonathan Taylor touchdown run

-Lamar Jackson played like shit against the Chiefs — Editor’s Note: That’s completely normal

-And last but certainly not least, the paper tiger Packers and LOL Cowboys played to a 40-40 tie… and Dak didn’t choke once!

I swear it’s all true. Or maybe it isn’t. It’s not like anyone is fact checking this crap.

Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

182 points? Calm the fuck down, Schrody. Save some for November when it really matters. The duo of Love/Jacobs combined for over 60 points and only that bum Chig Okonkwo failed to hit double digits. If they didn’t leave Goedert’s 19.7 points on the pine, they would’ve netted 200 for the week. Someone needs to be catapulted into a pit of Nile crocodiles for that mistake. I suggest Chig.

The Bad Mother Fucker Player of the Week: Puka Nacua

13 catches, 170 yards, 1 TD. One of my biggest blunders in 35 years of playing fake football is not selecting Puka in the 2nd round of this year’s draft. I was shocked he was still available and yet I passed on him. Whatever excuses I conjured in my mind were, in a word, stupid. Even if Stafford’s spine snaps in half at some point, the sky won’t fall. As long as Jimmy G is fed a steady diet of porn stars to bang, he’ll be ready to go. Anyway, Puka is fucking unstoppable.

The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Derrick Henry

8 carries, 42 yards; 2 catches, 16 yards. 2024 seems like a decade ago the way Big Dawg is playing. He looks slow, can’t stop fumbling, and brings little as a pass catcher. Even more concerning is the Ravens leaky D, which has allowed 116 points in 3 losses. Plus, Justice Hill is the preferred ‘chasing points’ back and has proven to be adept in that role. Henry often makes his detractors eat their words, but time may have finally caught up to him.

The I Love Him So Much Rookie of the Week: Ashton Jeanty

138 yards rushing, 1 TD; 2 catches, 17 yards, 2 TDs. After shitting the bed for 3 weeks, Jeanty erupted to such a degree that he nearly single-handedly vaulted the Raiders to victory. I say “nearly” because, well, it’s the Raiders so of course they pissed the game away thanks to another blocked field goal.

The They Don’t Even Try to Block of the Week: The Texans

Not blocking the nose tackle is a choice. I’ve always believed CJ Stroud is fool’s gold, but this is ridiculous. What the hell is he supposed to do?

The Pompeii Injury Report

The Injury Gods are being dicks this season. I mean, they’re dicks every year, but the 2025 dicks are massive. Huge dicks. Monstrous dicks. Redwood tree-sized dicks. Enormous, throbbing… you get the point.

Malik Nabers – Torn ACL, SEASON OVER. As much as I lampoon the Giants, I was looking forward to watching the Dart-Nabers connection. Alas, the Giants are a cursed franchise ensconced in misery and failure. But hey, at least they won!

Lamar Jackson – Hamstring, week-to-week. Baltimore’s upcoming schedule is sorta favorable so maybe they can survive a few weeks with Cooper Rush?

Tyreke Hill – Destroyed knee, OUT FOR SEASON. The paws have finally fallen off the Cheetah. Hill is probably a piece of shit, but man was he fun to watch in his prime.

Bucky Irving – Ankle, week-to-week. If the Bucs ever get their entire starting offense on the field together, look the fuck out. All these dudes can ball.

Jaylen Warren – Knee, unknown. The Steelers claim Warren missed the Dublin game due to a knee ailment. However, my totally reliable sources tell me Warren skipped off to London to cosplay as Ron Weasley at a Harry Potter convention. Apparently, Warren loves “The Weaz.”

Ricky Pearsall, Jauan Jennings, Brock Purdy – Stuff, whatever. All three played on Sunday and all three got hurt again. I can’t with this team anymore.

Cedric Tillman – Hamstring, multiple weeks. He’s a Browns wide receiver so he’s already been missing for weeks.

Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. Yeah, no one cares.

Joe Alt – High ankle, 2-4 weeks. I normally ignore O-lineman injuries but with Rashawn Slater already out for the year, should Alt miss significant time, the Chargers are poised to once again go full Chargers, especially after faceplanting against the Giants.

Coaching Kerfuffle of the Week: Coen vs Saleh

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Brouhaha by the Bay? Skirmish in San Francisco? Loggerheads at Levi’s Stadium? Nope. Just pencil-necked Liam Coen meagerly attempting to start shit with meathead Robert Saleh, who responded in kind with this banger:

“I will fuck your world up. You don’t wanna fuck with me. I will fucking end your fucking life.”

totally not unhinged robert saleh

A) Coen definitely shat himself.

B) Saleh has definitely killed before.

C) LOL!!!

Week 5 Gold Standard Matchup: Ninjas vs Wookilars

Oh yeah, brother. I love me an elite QB/WR combo taking on another elite QB/WR combo, and this tussle fits the bill. The Ninjas boast Hurts and Jefferson while the Wooks counter with Allen and the Sun God. The winner shall bathe in the blood of the loser… wait, what? Eh, that sounds pretty extreme, but that’s what my crack research staff tells me, so I’m rolling with it. Let the bloodletting commence!