Welp, we all knew this day would come. It was bound to happen sooner than later. Midnight struck and Daniel Jones turned back into a pumpkin. And as only he can, he did so in spectacular fashion.
3 interceptions, 2 lost fumbles, 5 sacks taken. 27-20 loss to the Steelers.
That’s vintage Daniel Jones. As is this:
And this:
Daniel Jones works in turnovers the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It’s his true medium, a master.
Let’s look in on Giants fans watching him on Sunday:
All is right in the world again. Balance has been restored to the Force. Colts fans can finally reconcile that the unhappy ending to their 2025 season was written long ago.
Big Ern McCracken’s Team of the Week: PNW Evergreens
A famous paramilitary rescue team tracker once said, “There’s something in those trees.” In Week 9 that something was CMC and Drake London.
The Evergreens planted the hapless Monkeys like it was Arbor Day, and poured sap in the wounds for good measure. Not even napalm can stop this punishing pulp.
The Give Em The Heater Player of the Week: Brock Bowers
12 catches, 127 yards, 3 TDs. Welcome back, Brock! I knew there was a reason why I drafted you in the 2nd round. It was for games like these. Sadly, this does me little good in Week 9 after my moronic management decisions the previous two weeks. Anyway, a healthy Bowers is so beastly he can make garbage Geno Smith look semi-competent.
The I Live in a Van Down by the River Loser of the Week: Rome Odunze
Odunze pulled a Blutarsky against… [checks notes]… the Bengals?
A nothing-burger in a game where the Bears hung 47 points? I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.
The I Love Them So Much Rookies of the Week: Kyle Monongai & Colston Loveland
198 total yards, 3 catches; 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TDs. A pair of young cubs were the latest to eviscerate the LOL Bengals defense. Despite the gaudy stats posted by this dynamic duo, it’s difficult to gauge how good either is because everyone (except Rome Odunze) smashes the Bengals. Hell, Caleb Williams tossed 3 scores and caught another from DJ Moore, who himself ran for a TD. The Bears are fun, but seeing them humbled in the playoffs by a team that actually plays defense will be very satisfying.
LOL Image of the Week
If you thought I was finished shitting on the Bengals, think again. This hilarious graphic is running backs who have faced them this season. Not exactly a murderer’s row of elite dudes, and they still have to see Derrick Henry twice, James Cook, and Devon Achane.
Quarterbackin’ Aint Easy – Patrick Mahomes
Looks like Patty’s sideline antics didn’t go according to plan against the Bills. That’s a shame.
The Bring Out Your Dead Injury Report
Like the height of a medieval plague, the bodies continue to pile up.
Jayden Daniels – Dislocated elbow, LIKELY OUT FOR SEASON. It took about 5 seconds after this grizzly injury occurred in a game the Commanders were losing 38-7 for the internet to be flooded with RGIII comparisons. So yeah, Dan Quinn might want to relocate to a safe house and lay low for awhile.
Tucker Kraft – Torn ACL, OUT FOR SEASON. Just when I vaulted him up the All-Time Kraft rankings, he blows out a knee. Looks like Massage Parlor Bob Kraft is back to #3 (psst… between us, he’ll always be #1).
Brian Thomas, Jr. – Ankle, week-to-week. BTJ is screwed until the Jags git rid of Trevor Lawrence because Trevor Lawrence fucking sucks.
Travis Hunter – Sprained ACL, on IR. See above.
Puka Nacua – Chest, day-to-day. I told you he’s injury prone! Nah, he’ll be fine… or will he?
CJ Stroud – Concussion, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.
Aaron Jones – AC joint, day-to-day. He just came back and is already hurt again. That’s so 2025.
Kayshon Boutte – Hamstring, week-to-week. I picked him up last week so of course he’s hurt.
Luke McCaffery – Broken collarbone, OUT FOR SEASON. Jesus, my fingers are cramping. Will this update ever end?
Dak Prescott – Minor ankle sprain, day-to-day. Are we sure it’s “minor?” Cuz the Cardinals D made regular season Dak look like playoff Dak on MNF.
Matthew Golden – Shoulder, day-to-day. The last time the Packers had a fully healthy wide receiving corps was 1987.
Cole Kmet – Concussion, week-to-week. Cole, you’ve been replaced. Get well soon.
Insurrection of the Week: The Bengals Offense
Yup, still not done with the Bengals. Their putrid defense has allowed a league worst 300 points. That’s 51 more than the Giants, 43 more than the Titans, and 23 more than the Cowboys. To put that in perspective, the Texans have allowed 121 points. Gee, I can’t imagine why Bengals offensive players are so upset.
Trade Deadline Summary
-The Jags traded for Jakobi Myers – Saying Trevor Lawrence is better than Geno Smith is like saying impalement is better than drawing and quartering.
-The Seahawks acquired Rashid Shaheed – This is an obvious upgrade until the obvious Sam Darnold meltdown.
-The 3-5-1 Cowboys dealt a 1st and 2nd round pick for a declining defensive tackle who is worse than Micha Parsons. Oh, and they also acquired a Bengals defensive player.
Week 10 Gold Standard Matchup: ThrillBillies vs Wookilars
What we got here is a good ol’ fashioned donnybrook between the league’s top two teams. The winner shall be heaped with praise and accolades. Meanwhile, the loser will be publicly shamed, subjected to a stoning, and ostracized like a leper colony. In other words, the stakes are high in this one.
Stud Running Back 