Lock your doors, grab a crucifix, and crawl under the covers. It’s time for the Halloween edition of the Gulfman League recap. Considering the 2024 fantasy football season has been comparable to a bloody slaughter at Camp Crystal Lake, it’s only fitting to pay homage to All Hallow’s Eve and its many frightening trappings.
Just how terrifying has this season been? Let’s crack open the Necronomicon to find out. Fourteen of the top 36 draft picks have missed at least one game. Hollywood Brown, Rashee Rice, Chris Godwin, Brandon Aiyuk, Stefon Diggs, Rashid Shaheed, and Christian Kirk are all out for the season.
Meanwhile, CMC, AJ Brown, Jonathan Taylor, Puka Nacua, Isiah Pacheco, Davante Adams, Mike Evans, Ken Walker, Nico Collins, Joe Mixon, Malik Nabers, Jordan Love, Devin Singletary, Evan Engram, Tee Higgins, Keenan Allen, Derek Carr, Jordan Addison, David Njoku, and Dallas Goedert have all missed multiple games.
And it’s only Week 8. How much more can we possibly endure? I have no idea what unspeakable horrors await us in the second half of the season, but I imagine they won’t be pleasant. Hopefully, we won’t be subjected to anything as scary as this monstrosity:
Freddy Krueger’s Dream Team of the Week: Shouty’s Gang
Don’t look now, but Shouty has reeled off five straight wins, despite getting jack squat from first overall pick Christian McCaffery. General Manager/Head Coach Todd Gladfelter remains unbothered by CMC’s prolonged absence. “When you have Baker Mayfield and Daniel Jones, you don’t need CMC,” Gladfelter said.
Hannibal Lecter’s Favorite Player of the Week: Jalen Hurts
236 yards passing, 1 TD. 37 yards rushing, 3 TDs. Hurts is feeling great after dominating the Bengals, but he won’t be feeling so chipper after Hannibal kidnaps him, amputates his leg, and then serves said leg for dinner. I hear Chardonnay pairs nicely with baked leg. Also, don’t befriend cannibals. It never ends well.
Chucky’s Rookie of the Week: Jayden Daniels
Nursing dinged ribs, Daniels outdueled fellow rookie Caleb Williams by doing this on the final play of the game:
See the idiot in the lower left corner taunting Commanders fans WHILE Daniels was running around? Well played, sir.
Let’s look in on Bears fans:
Trick or Treat Midseason All-Star Team
We’ve reached the midway point of the 2024 fantasy football campaign, so it seems like an opportune time to call attention to the players who have earned a sack full of delicious candy, and those who deserve to have their arms bitten off before being dragged into the sewer by a deranged killer clown.
The Treats:
QB – Lamar Jackson: The beauty of owning Lamar in fantasy is you get to revel in all his glorious regular season passing and rushing production without having to suffer through his annual postseason collapse. He’s topped 23 points or more in 7 of 8 games, and leads all players in fantasy points with 225.
RB – Derrick Henry: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” Me today: “What kind of moron thought Derrick Henry was dust? Couldn’t have been me.” Big Dawg has 946 yards rushing and 11 total touchdowns in 8 games. Fuck me.
RB – Joe Mixon: Me before the season: “He’s old, he’s slow, he’s washed. Fuck that guy.” You get the picture. Mixon narrowly beats out Saquon because he’s rushed for over 100 yards in the four games he’s started and finished. Didn’t see that coming.
WR – Ja’Marr Chase: One of the few bright spots at a position that has been decimated by injuries. Leads all wideouts in yards receiving and touchdown receptions. I have a message for Bengals owner Mike Brown. PAY THE MAN, YOU PENNY-PINCHING PRICK!
WR – Brian Thomas, Jr: Justin Jefferson and CeeDee Lamb are supposed to be awesome. But a Jaguars rookie who was considered the 4th best wide receiver prospect in the 2024 class? Not so much. He’s averaging 17.3 yards per catch and has scored 5 touchdowns.
TE – George Kittle: The last 49er standing. Unlike his brittle teammates, Kittle plays through his bumps and bruises and delivers the goods. 503 yards and 6 touchdowns are easily the best numbers from a position that has yielded mostly dogshit thus far.
The Tricks:
QB – Anthony Richardson: When Richardson actually plays, he’s been laughably pathetic. He’s completing 44.4% of his passes with 4 TDs, 7 INTs, 6 fumbles, and only 1 rushing score. He’s not just bad, he’s historically bad. And he was just benched in favor of Joe Flacco. Stick him in an iron maiden filled with starving rats.
RB – CMC: He might be back in Week 10 following the 49ers bye. Or he might not play a down this season. Who the hell knows?! The fact that Shouty’s Gang is 5-3 without him is impressive. That said, CMC should be dragged to hell by the Cenobites for boring the piss out of us with his never-ending saga.
RB – Travis Etienne: He’s essentially been replaced by Tank Bigsby. Maybe he’ll get traded to a fake contender like the Cowboys and regain relevancy. Until then, lock him inside the Amityville house and throw away the key.
WR – Chris Olave: The 13th wide receiver drafted ranks 52nd in wide receiver scoring. Olave is a perfectly cromulent player but nowhere near elite. Toss him in a river populated with flesh-eating piranha. If he’s a fast swimmer he might escape with superficial wounds.
WR – Jaylen Waddle: Without Tua, utterly useless. With Tua, borderline useless. Waddle is sentenced to stand in front of a mirror and say “Candyman” five times. That’s a less severe punishment than his fellow Alabama wide receiver teammates have received. Henry Ruggs is in prison for driving drunk and killing a woman, Jameson Williams is serving a suspension for juicing, and Jerry Jeudy is a Cleveland Brown.
TE – Sam LaPorta: 18 catches and only 1 TD in 7 games is not 3rd round material. Maybe if he switches to fullback he’ll actually be worth a damn. Chain his ankle to a bathroom pipe and leave him a hacksaw. That’ll teach him a lesson.
Chainsaw Massacre of the Week: Detroit Lions
The Lions carved up the Titans worse than Leatherface hacks up stranded teenagers. I’m not even sure how a modern NFL team scores 52 points with only 94 yards passing, but here we are. Add it to the expanding list of weird shit that is defining the 2024 season. David Montgomery ran and threw for a touchdown, Kalif Raymond scored on a 90-yard punt return and caught another touchdown on the ensuing drive. I think I saw Barry Sanders punch one in for good measure. For their efforts, the Titans will be burned at the stake while being pummeled with rocks.
Dead Rising of the Week: Jameis Winston
The Jameis Experience is back! Just when you thought the crab thief was out, the perpetually dysfunctional Cleveland Browns pull him back in. The man responsible for the magical 5000 yards, 33 TD, 30 INT 2019 season returned under center and mowed through the Ravens like Michael Myers mowed through the town of Haddonfield. 334 yards, 3 TDs, and shockingly, only 1 turnover. He’ll no doubt be benched at some point in the near future, but until that day arrives we can all sit back and enjoy the show.
Unsolved Mystery of the Week: The O-Lineman Dive
Why did Bears offensive coordinator Shane Waldron call an O-Lineman dive at the 1-yard line (that resulted in a catastrophic fumble) rather than hand the ball to an actual running back? Pundits and scholars are dumbfounded. Was it a simple lapse in judgment or was something more sinister at play?
Trade Alert: Diontae Johnson is a Raven
I’m sure Johnson will love getting 3 targets while Derrick Henry and Lamar run for 200 yards. Unless he can play cornerback, this trade makes zero sense.
The “Not the Bees” Injury Report
For the love of God, make it stop!!!
Jordan Love – Strained groin, week-to-week. Maybe the Packers can trade for Aaron Rodgers.
Drake Maye – Concussion, week-to-week. If I were Maye, I’d keep “failing” the concussion protocol test until January.
Stefon Diggs – Knee, out for the season. Welp, looks like Joe Mixon will be getting 40 carries per game.
Tee Higgins – Quad, day-to-day. Bengals with Higgins, 3-2. Bengals without Higgins, 0-3.
Christian Kirk – Broken collarbone, out for season. Not having to finish out the Jaguars season seems like a win.
Gabe Davis – Shoulder, week-to-week. Does he really want to come back? Probably not.
Brian Thomas, Jr – Chest contusion, day-to-day. For those keeping score at home, the Jaguars top three wide receivers all suffered injuries on Sunday. Did someone open an umbrella in the locker room before the game?
Tyrone Tracy – Concussion, week-to-week. Playing for the Giants must be like living in a zombie apocalypse. There’s no escape.
Jordan Mason (shoulder) and Deebo Samuel (oblique) – I’m sick and tired of tracking all the 49ers injuries. From here on out, let’s just assume all of their RBs and WRs are week-to-week.
Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Halloween is a Covert Op
After hearing for years through the NFL grapevine that Rodgers wrote a wackadoo Halloween manifesto, a deeply embedded source recently sent me the following, which may or may not be a section of the manifesto in question:
You might believe Halloween is a fun night for children, or another excuse for adults to party, but it’s not. In reality, it’s a government op. A massive coordinated effort to spy on Americans and keep them in check. The CIA, FBI, NSA, Homeland Security are all in on it. They lace the candy with mind-altering sedatives that suppress critical thinking. It’s not a sugar coma, it’s a thought coma. Costumes are outfitted with tiny cameras that record home addresses and download them to a central database. You think trick or treaters are just kids in masks? Well, they aren’t. One out of ten is a CIA asset tasked to infiltrate neighborhoods and quell dissent. This covert campaign is even more widespread during an election year. Stay diligent. Be aware. Trust no one.
Week 9 Gold Standard Matchup: Shouty’s Gang vs Indiana SixPence
SixPence looks to snap Shouty’s win streak and stay alive in the playoff hunt. It’s Hurts versus Dak, Robinson versus Robinson, and Tucker versus Seibert. When asked about a possible quarterback change, Indiana Head Coach Mark Lericos once again rushed to the defense of choke artist Dak Prescott. “Listen, we’re all in with Dak. Yes, he’s been heinous, but he’s working through it. What part of ALL IN do you not understand!?”
Farvel for nå.
Stud Running Back 