The 2024 Gulfman Fantasy League has officially come down to the wire. What’s in store for the final week of the regular season reminds me of the finish at the 2024 Kentucky Derby when Mystik Dan edged out Sierra Leone and Forever Young. If you know, you know. And if you don’t know, what’s the matter with you? Start watching the ponies you plebs!

Anyway, what we have here is 7 teams vying for 3 playoff spots, with a pair (Furry Beasts, Indiana SixPence) of 8-5 squads, four (Character Assassins, Weiner Dogs, Cycle Ninjas, Shouty’s Gang) 7-6 teams, and one (Blind Monkeys) at 6-7. I’m no Will Hunting so I’m not going to run through all the permutations but safe to say, you really want to win in Week 14 (analysis).

Even if you weren’t fully engaged in the weekly machinations, it turned out to be a helluva season. A season Gulfman would be proud of, which when all is said and done, is all that matters. So, even if you don’t end up advancing to the playoffs, give yourself a pat on the back for contributing to the fun.

Also, I’d like to offer a special thanks to everyone who read these haphazard recaps. Whether you found my ramblings mildly amusing or wholly pointless, I tip my hat to you. Especially Lericos, who had to put up with me constantly (and happily) disemboweling the bloated corpse of the Dallas Cowboys.

I’ll be in Vegas next Monday torching my life savings on Saquon MVP bets, so there won’t be a Week 14 recap. Good luck to those fighting for the playoffs. I’ll be back for a postseason review (unless I win MegaBucks and fuck off to Bora Bora).

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Cycle Ninjas

The Ninjas blasted their way into playoff contention by blowing out the Lame ones by 58 points. Jayden did his best Josh Allen impression, Tyreke Hill finally woke up from a coma to post his best score since Week 1, and the Seattle defense had the pleasure of pick-sixing Aaron Rodgers. Next on the Ninjas hit list are the SixPence, who are rumored to be involved in human trafficking. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. That’s just what I’m hearing.

The Welcome to the Party, Pal Player of the Week: Russell Wilson

414 yards, 3 TDs. Is this 2020? Are we living in a simulation? Does the NFL actually script games? I have no explanation for Mr. Unlimited’s performance on Sunday. Wait, yes I do. He played the Bengals. Mystery solved.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Brock Bowers

10 catches, 140 yards, 1 TD. The dude has more receiving yards than Amon-Ra St. Brown and CeeDee Lamb. He’s the best tight end in football and he plays for the Raiders. Bowers is like a luxury mansion located in the Belmont neighborhood of Detroit.

LOL Image of the Week

Kirk Cousins’ the last 3 games: 0 TDs, 6 INTs, 4 fumbles, 7 sacks taken, 0-3 record. Unlike previous seasons, Cousins’ current meltdown has been gradual rather than immediate. Quick reminder, he will count for a fully guaranteed $40 million on next year’s salary cap and has a NO-TRADE clause in his contract. The Falcons are a hilariously horrendous franchise.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Goober of the Week: Jahmyr Gibbs

Gibbs decided to celebrate Detroit’s Thanksgiving day victory over the Bears by posting a picture of fellow running back Jermar Jefferson standing in front of a whiteboard that revealed the Lions protections and audibles. I’m not a coaching terminology expert, but this seems less than optimal. Either Gibbs devised an elaborate scheme to fool future opponents or he’s a moron. I’m leaning toward the latter.

Takedown of the Week: Derrick Henry

That would be 6’0″ 198 lb rookie Cooper DeJean piledriving 6’3″ 250 lb grown-ass-man Derrick Henry. In a word: textbook. You love to see it, unless you’re Derrick Henry. He probably wasn’t a fan.

The Hand the MVP to Josh Allen Play of the Week: Josh Allen

Gotta give credit to the Buffalo Bills social media team. This is spectacular. Yes, I’m fully aware that this play cements Josh Allen as the 2024 MVP. To my fellow Saquon truthers, it was fun while it lasted.

The Not Like This Injury Report

It’s time to pour one out for one of the greatest fantasy football players of all time… and some other guys I guess.

CMC – PCL, out for season. CMC’s season-ending injury seemed inevitable. He looked cooked since returning from an Achilles/calf injury, although did show some bounce in the Buffalo snow before exiting with a dreaded PCL injury. He turns 29 next June and has missed 35 games since 2020. I’m sure fantasy pundits will once again drink the Kool-Aid and talk themselves into ranking McCaffrey as a first-round pick in 2025. Don’t fall for their bullshit.

Jordan Mason – High ankle sprain, IR – The Super Bowl losing team hangover has struck hard yet again (see 2023 Eagles).

Trevor Lawrence – Concussion, unknown. Lawrence had no business playing on Sunday. But he did and suffered a brutal concussion as a result of a dirty hit that would make Chuck Cecil and Andre Waters smile.

Ladd McConkey – Knee, unknown. Jim Harbaugh says Ladd is “working through a couple of things” regarding his ailing knee. That’s coachspeak for “he’s not going to play this week but I’m going to lie cuz reasons.”

Taysom Hill – Knee, out for season. Two weeks after playing the game of his life, Taysom had his left knee obliterated by a low-hit cheap shot. Not great, Bob!

Dallas Goedert – Knee, week-to-week. I’m fairly certain it’s against league rules for Goedert, AJ Brown, and DeVonta Smith to be on the field at the same time. The moon will crash into the earth, or some such shit, if they are.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Taylor Swift is a Martian

Brace for impact, folks. For the first time since I’ve been unearthing these conspiracy theories, I’m in lockstep with Rodgers. (Well, that’s not entirely true. Squirrels are for sure KGB spies but I digress.) Think about it, if a martian wanted to infiltrate human society what better identity could they assume than a semi-attractive international pop star? And of course, what better romantic partner could they select than a meathead football player employed by the best team in the NFL? It would also explain why “Taylor” dislikes Elon Musk so much. She’s terrified he’ll use SpaceX to colonize Mars and expose her duplicity. It’s so obvious!

Week 14 Gold Standard Matchup: All the games

Four of the six matchups carry playoff implications, which is how it should be. However, the last Bye Week of the season may prove to be a deciding factor in who secures a postseason berth. The following players will be riding their couches in Week 14: ARich, JT, Pittman, Rhamondre, Jayden, BRob, McLaurin, Lamar, King Henry, Bo Nix, Sutton, Nico, and Mixon.

Yeah, so this should be fun.