I’ve been so preoccupied gleefully dunking on the Cowboys, Giants, and Jets that I’ve failed to recognize the juggernaut steamrolling the NFL known as the Detroit Lions. Well, it’s time to remedy this egregious oversight. The 2024 Lions are a thing, ya know, until they aren’t.

On Sunday, Detroit dropped 52 points for the second time this season in dismantling the flaccid Jags. They outgained them 645 to 170 — the third largest difference in total yards in NFL history, and the biggest since 1979. They also converted 38 (LOL) first downs.

A week removed from tossing 5 interceptions, Jared Goff threw for 412 yards and 4 touchdowns. In addition, ARSB scored a touchdown for the 8th straight game, Gibbs and Monty combined for 218 total yards and 3 scores, Jameson Williams caught 4 balls for 124 yards and a touchdown, and the defense held a broken Jags offense to 6 points.

The Lions lead the league in points scored and rank 4th in points allowed. After the refs fell asleep at the wheel and allowed the Chiefs to actually lose, the Lions are now the betting favorites to win the Super Bowl. Their upcoming schedule features games against Green Bay, Buffalo, San Francisco, and Minnesota, but it’s unlikely they’ll be underdogs in any of those matchups.

All that’s preventing the Lions from playing in February is some sort of epic collapse reserved for cursed teams that have never advanced to the Super Bowl. What are the odds of that happening?

Playoffs?!

Shutup, Jim Mora. We’re talking about playoffs whether you like it or not! Congratulations to Je Ne Saquon for capturing the Carolina Division and securing a playoff berth. After curbstomping their way through the season, they are the clear favorites to win it all, thanks to the fake MVP Lamar Jackson and the real MVP Saquon Barkley.

Tommy Boy’s Team of the Week: Schrodinger’s Draft

The worst team in the league dropped 208 points? Where the hell did this come from? It reminds me of last season when the Raiders decapitated the Chargers 63-21, prompting the Chargers to fire head coach Brandon Staley 12 hours later. If I were Brad, I’d turn off my phone and hide out in the team facility’s broom closet for a couple of days. They can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

Are You Not Entertained Player of the Week: Taysom Hill

Before the Saints-Browns game kicked off on Sunday, Taysom Hill grabbed a mic, walked to the 50-yard-line of the Superdome, removed his helmet, and uttered the following:

My name is Taysomus Shawnimus Hillius
Commander of the Armies of the NFC South
General of the Saints Legions
Loyal servant to the true head coach, Darren Rizzi
Father to a murdered season
Husband to a murdered franchise
And I will have my vengeance -- in this life or the next

Then he took the field and ran for 138 yards and 3 touchdowns, caught 8 passes for 50 yards, and for shits and giggles, committed two turnovers. If that doesn’t perfectly encapsulate the Taysom Experience, nothing does.

We’re Not Worthy Rookie of the Week: Bo Nix

28/33, 307 yards, 4 TDs.

• Quarterback A: 2338 yards passing, 68.7% completion percentage, 10 TDs, 3 INTs, 482 yards rushing, 4 TDs
• Quarterback B: 2275 yards passing, 65.5% completion percentage, 14 TDs, 6 INTs, 295 yards rushing, 4 TDs

Quarterback A has been crowned Rookie of the Year and hailed the greatest signal-caller since Patrick Mahomes. Quarterback B has been ignored by the pundits and ridiculed for being “too old” after spending five years in college.

Unlike narratives, numbers don’t lie.

Resurrection of the Week: Anthony Richardson

Left for dead three weeks ago, Anthony Richardson reclaimed his starting role and tossed for 272 yards and scored a trio of touchdowns on Sunday. He still fumbled twice (losing one), but it was more than enough to notch the win. That’s the good news. The bad news is he beat the laughingstock Jets. The even worse news is he plays the Lions next. Godspeed ARich.

Daniel Jones: 2019-2024

It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I report the untimely benching of our dear quarterback calamity Daniel “Dimes” Jones. Excuse me, I need a minute…

Now that I’ve collected myself I’d like to bid a fond farewell to my absolute favorite first-round bust. Evidently Jones’ career record of 24-44-1 wasn’t good enough to keep his starting job. Adding insult to insult, he was also demoted to third string.

How can I go on? I’m so despondent, I’m not even sure I can continue writing this blog. It seems like only last week Jones was throwing horrific interceptions and missing wide open receivers. Oh, that was last week.

All I can do now is patiently wait until the Browns trade for Jones and sign him to a $200 million extension. Until that day arrives, I’ll always have this:

Rest easy, old friend. Your legacy lives on.

LOL Image of the Week

Bless the Giants. They just can’t get out of their own way. Here’s exclusive footage of DeVito arriving at Giants practice today:

LOL Image of the Week: Part Deux

Only nine days until Giants at Cowboys on Thanksgiving! LET’S FUCKIN’ GO!!!!

Goober of the Week: Evan McPherson

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, kickers have one job. And that job isn’t shanking two field goals in a primetime defeat that severely damages a team’s chances of making the playoffs. BAN. ALL. FOOTIES.

The Puppy Sliding Down a Rainbow Injury Report

Wait, what’s this? Two consecutive weeks with NO significant injuries? Praise the Fantasy Gods!

Darnell Mooney – Hamstring, week-to-week. If Mooney played for either the Chiefs or Chargers, he’d be a 1200-yard, 8 TD guy. Instead he’s had to suffer through garbage Bears quarterbacks and Kirk “Defcon 1” Cousins.

Alexander Mattison and Zamir White – I’ve been told these gentlemen are running backs for the Raiders, but I can neither confirm or deny.

George Kittle and Brock Purdy – Again, every 49er from now until the end of the season should be considered week-to-week.

Jake Ferguson – Concussion, week-to-week. Grab a lifeboat while you can, Jake. The ship is sinking fast.

Aaron Rodgers Conspiracy Theory of the Week: He’s Been Poisoned!

Aaron Rodgers has a simple explanation for his poor performance in 2024 and you guessed it, nefarious forces are to blame. Chatter out of the Jets locker room is that Rodgers has been telling anyone who will listen that either the CIA or a foreign intelligence agency poisoned him over a month ago in an effort to torpedo his season.

An inside source revealed a conversation between Rodgers and backup quarterback Tyrod Taylor in which Rodgers said the following: “Be ready, Ty. I think they got me, brother. By got me, I mean injected me with slow-acting poison. I could pass out or drop dead any minute. I dunno who ‘they’ are but I have a few ideas. But you gotta keep this between us. They might come for you next.”

Taylor left the conversation rolling his eyes and mouthing, “He’s insane.”

Week 11 Gold Standard Matchup: Indiana SixPence vs Weiner Dogs

Playoff spots are on the line as divisional play resumes to close out the Gulfman League regular season. Both squads must endure bye week blues with Bijan, Breece, Davante, Engram, and Chase Brown all unavailable. Oof. Aren’t bye weeks awesome? It’s not at all frustrating trying to replace half your roster in a week. Anyway, good luck with that, fellas.

Até a próxima vez.